I went to the adoptive parent's orientation today at the adoption agency and was on the adoptee panel. Can I just say one thing?
Can all you natural mothers meet me somewhere for coffee?
OMG! There was three adoptees there for the panel. We talked about 1 hour to the prospective adoptive parents and answered questions. No big deal, but what got me was the next hour. The adoption agency has three panels: adoptee, natural mother, and adoptive parent. After ours was done, a natural mother sit down to talk with the adoptive parents.
You know, I read a few mother's blogs and they comment here and I feel like I have gotten to know some of them and would love to meet them in person. (Too bad I am not wealthy and have my own plane.) I have never talked with a mother before in person, except for mine. What a difference it makes to talk with someone in person.
Her story was that she got pregnant in her 30s, a little over a year ago, and chose the adoptive parents. She is in an open adoption. She made a couple of points that really hit hard with me.
(1) They are his parents and I am his mother and his adoptive mother is his mother. So he has 2 mothers. But I am not his parent.
(2) That was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.
(3) I gave him up because I wanted him to have a better life than what I could give him. He deserved to be taken care of and be given things that I could not. If I would have kept him, we would be living off welfare and probably be homeless. He deserved better.
(4) Some people say birth mothers are selfish, but we are not. I did this for him; not me.
(5) I was looking at his future; not mine. I did this for him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I certainly wish I could meet adoptees and mothers for coffee...fat chance, all the support groups are run by adoption agencies, and I'm not going there!
American Adoption Congress is meeting in Cleveland, next April, maybe you can attend that?
her story reminds me of this:
“Almost everyone believes that on some level, [mothers] made a choice to give their babies away. Here, I argue that adoption is rarely about mothers’ choices; it is, instead, about the abject choicelessness of some resourceless women.” Solinger (2001).
That mother you spoke to believed she had a "choice," but the choicelessness was apparent. She likely has no idea that she surrendered in the face of financial coercion (government policies limiting welfare to punish single mothers and keep their numbers down) and the abuse of her human rights.
Hers is a tragic story, and what is sad is that the adoption agencies would willingly exploit her vulnerability and happily take her baby from her. :(
Yes, I believe that her choice was coerced by government policies. I think the government teaches women that if you don't make a lot of money, you can't be a good mother. This is so wrong!
"You know, I read a few mother's blogs and they comment here and I feel like I have gotten to know some of them and would love to meet them in person"
where do you live? i'm in the north west -- it's a long-shot if you live near here (near NW Washington and SW B.C.), but just in case ... would love to do coffee. :)
Ah, Cedar, I would love to stop in Washington and meet you for coffee. But I am down here in Texas. Of course, I might have to move up there if it stays this hot down here. ;-)
Can we do coffee in New Mexico, half-way? Better make that lunch, since it's a long drive. I wish! Meeting others impacted by adoption in person, and especially adoprees and bmoms coming together, can add so much to our understanding. A bmom friend and I once fantasized about buying a van -- the BMOM BUS -- and traveling cross country to all the moms and adoptees who had resisted reunion or needed support. Alas, we never did... if only we didn't have jobs, families and other responsibilities... I'd do it in a minute.
AAC Conference in April -- yes! Let's all go.
Maybe: where are you? There are support groups not associated with agencies almost every where.
Denise, I'm in Ohio, that's why I'm glad I heard about the conference here next year. The support groups in my neck of woods are so-called "triad" groups and I'm not comfortable being in a group with a-parents (trying not to judge them, but I know how harshly they judge us).
Post a Comment