How Bad Do You Want Your Relationship?

I am sure that it has been studied, but I wonder what the percentage is that adoptees search first to find their natural mother versus natural mothers searching first to find their child? I am wondering because when I think that my mother did not search for me at all, my heart starts hurting. I tend to start feeling very sad even though I have a great relationship with her.

Growing up, I was constantly told that she didn't want me and that I would mess up her life if I found her. But I rose up and fought against that. I went after what I wanted and needed in spite of what others, including my adoptive family, told me.

So, why didn't my mother rise up and fight for what she wanted and needed 5, 10, 18, 20 years after I was born? I know the crap she was told when she gave birth, but why didn't she stand up for what she wanted years or even decades later?

Why do other mothers not rise up and fight for what they want and need years or decades later?

Do adoptees grow up to be stronger people? Are we able to stand up for ourselves more than what our mothers can? Or is it that we want something bad enough that we go after it, but our mothers don't want a relationship with us bad enough.

Still Searching

Even though I still think my natural father has fallen off the earth, I have had so many people come out of the wood work to help me search for him. I haven't gotten any closer to him, but at least I might find him a little faster with more people helping.

Some days I feel very frustrated with the search. There are several things I think will happen when I find him. Of course, I really have no clue what will happen, but I do think of these things now.

(1) I will not always think about my relationship with my Mom. I think I will have more things to think about than doing things with my Mom.
(2) I think it might help my relationship with my Mom also. I know she wants me to find him, but I think that she might think that if I find him, that I will leave our relationship behind. Does she think that I might like him better than her? I might enjoy his time more than I do with her? He might can give me more than she can? If she thinks this, I need to find him quickly so that I can prove to her that he can't mean more to me than she can.
(3) I will have all my questions answered. Wow wouldn't this be great! All my questions I have had my whole life would finally be answered.
(4) I will find the person that I look like and act like. I don't really look like my Mom except for my nose. I have pictures of my father and I look like him everywhere else. I don't act like my Mom so I am hoping that I can see my father in me.

But most days, I just think it will never happen. I started searching for my father in 1994. If I would have just tried a little harder or kept researching, I would think I would have found him by now. I use to get a little information and then I would have to stop searching so I could take in the information and process it. As you can tell, it has taken years to process little information.

I do have to say I get very tired of people telling me that my father doesn't want me in his life. Are you kidding? I tell them to go ask him first and if he says that then I will believe them. They just look at me like I am weird. I wished I had a button to zap people into infinity when they say this. I have people say "if he wanted you in his life, he would have kept you", "if he wanted you in his life, he would have found you", "if he wanted you in his life, he will come find you". Can you see my eyes rolling in the back of my head? Writing this even makes me frustrated. To be honest, yes he did want me, yes he did want to keep me, yes he asked my mother to marry him and raise me, so yes he did want me.

The Fund Raiser

I think silver looks good for a mid-life crisis. I drove 6 hours to get this car and when I was driving back, I decided to spend the night at my Mom's house. It took me forever to get to her house because of a huge rainstorm that I had to drive in for 3 hours straight. You know the kind where the speed limit is 70, but you can only drive 30 just to see 20 feet in front of you and you hope the car, that you can barely see in front of you, doesn't put on their brakes.

When I got to Mom's house, I just crashed on the coach for an hour just to be able to relax from the storm and driving. I had called my grandfather (my mom's father) and told him I would come over to visit for a little while. My mom told me that she would call him and cancel my visit so that I could rest, but I said no and went to visit him even though I was so tired.

Speaking of grandfather, I think I am the only grandchild that visits him and his wife. I have lost both of my adopted grandfathers a long time ago, so I really cherish the time I am spending with my natural grandfather. It seems I learn something new every time I visit. He wants me to take him to his home town to show me where "the family" came from. I am hoping some time this summer to take that trip.

On Sunday, my mother and I went shopping in the little car all day. It was great. My brother invited us to go to a fund raiser with him. So I stayed over another night since Monday was a holiday for me. This fund raiser was neat. My brother is an executive chef and he was asked to make a couple of desserts for this fund raiser along with about 30 more top rated restaurants. If you are a chocolate lover, this place was for you. There was chocolate dessert everywhere. I only ate about 5% of the desserts because I hate chocolate. I ate the non-chocolate desserts and they were really good. Oh yeah, seriously I hate chocolate. It really tastes awful and I don't understand how anyone can eat it.

On a bad note, before the fund raiser, I decided to do a small project that my mother needed done at her house, but she didn't want me to do it. "Just wait another time or I will get someone else to do it since you don't have time to do it", she said to me. Nope, I wouldn't listen. (Mistake number 1). Well, I broke the heating unit that heats the house. (Mistake number 2) And it was time to go to the fund raiser. I couldn't understand what happened and why it happened, but I was determined to fix it when we got back. When the party was over, she was telling my brother that I had broke the heater and it wasn't working and I shouldn't have touch it in the first place because I didn't know what I was doing. Well, I did know what I was doing because I had done this project many, many times before and that is why I couldn't figure out what was wrong.

They were serving wine at this fund raiser and I decided to drink a little while I was there. Bad part was that I hadn't eaten dinner that night so the alcohol was getting to me. (Mistake number 3) At one time I told my future sister-n-law that I had to get something to eat to make the alcohol affect go down. So we ate more dessert. It helped. I wasn't drunk, just in the mood to tell the truth. (Mistake number 4) So we are driving home, my mother and I, and she is telling me that I shouldn't have touched the heater project and out comes some truth comments (Mistake number 5)

"Why can't you just appreciate the things I do for you? Why can't you like me for who I have become? Are you not proud of who I have become? Is this where you decide to end our relationship? Now, I have to worry if this is the time that you decide that we don't need to have a relationship."

She didn't say a thing. I do remember saying "Next time remind me not to drink more than 1 glass of wine."

We got to her house and I called my air conditioner/heater guy friend and he told me I blew a fuse. I did and I changed it. The heater came on and wow I was so proud of myself for fixing it. The heater was going for a whole minute and I went to the attic to close the heater front panel (Mistake number 6) and "POP", the heater dies. Oh my GOSH!!! Turns out that the guy who put the unit in in the first place left some wires hanging and didn't fix them right and they ended up moving when I put the panel back on and touched each other and the heater died.

Long story short, we froze that night. I laugh now, but it was really cold in that house. The next morning, Mom calls the heater guy who put it in and he came out and fixed the wires. I left to go back home and she called me in the afternoon to tell me that it wasn't my fault and that it would have happened evidentually and for me to quit worrying about it. Yeah, right, me worry?

My friends tell me I live such an eventful life. I just think this is normal!

Bought the Miata

It is really hard to like Valentine's Day when you are single and not dating. Thank goodness that the boys gave me a Star Wars valentine card with a JEDI tattoo. I will wear it proudly!

I am not sure if I am climbing up the hill of my mid-life crisis or if I have reached the top and I am going down. Today I bought the Miata and Saturday I am driving 6 hours to go pick it up. I can't wait. I also can't wait for March 8th. Three weeks away!!! Mom (my nmom) and I are flying to the west coast and taking a cruise for 7 nights. Our first vacation together. In fact, it will be the first of going on a trip, just the 2 of us.

I really am very excited about the trip and my relationship with my mom, but even though we are starting to settle down and create roots for this relationship there are still those "testing" statements. Shockingly, it is not me making them. I am not sure if mom is getting nervous about going on vacation with me or what. Last weekend we were together on Sunday discussing the cruise and what we would like to do and every now and then she would say something that would make me just look at her with amazement. Like "I can't believe you said that." Finally, after several statements, I told her that I hope she would hurry up and get this out of her system before we went on vacation.

Thank goodness that I just blow the statements off because I can't remember a one that she said right now. I just know at the time they pierced my heart but at the same time remind me that I am in this because I want to have a relationship with her. Not because I think I have to have the relationship.

What's in a name?

Last week, I wanted to go to the metroplex and visit my natural family and do some shopping. I wasn't really for sure if I was going to go to the city or not at the first of the week, but by the time Friday afternoon got here, I was preparing the way.

I had talked with my nmom and told her I was thinking about coming and if I ended up going to the city, could I stay at her house. My nbrother has cats at his house and even though I love staying with his family, it takes me weeks to be able to start breathing normal again. I am sooooo allergic to cats! So I wanted to stay at my nmom's house for the weekend. She said "That's fine." I guess that really meant...."Yes, I would love for you to stay at my house. Please stay as long as you would like. In fact, stay here any time that you would like to. I just love it when you are here." Well, that is "my" interpretation anyway.

Friday night came and around 10:30 that night, I was off to the big city with my older son and a friend. We arrived about 1am. I was so tired.

The next morning, my son got up earlier than I and went to the living room. I was sort of awake and I heard my mom and him talking. I decided that I needed to stay in bed for awhile so that they could visit. They both need some one on one time to get to know each other.

Finally I got out of bed and went to the living room, said "Hi", and sat down for about 3 minutes to be with my son. Then off to the shower I went.

After my shower, I got on the computer to look for a Wii for my son. That was one of the main reasons to go to the city. He had saved up his money from his birthday to go buy a Wii and we didn't have any where we lived. I was hoping that we would find one on Saturday. Believe it or not, there was no Wii to be seen in the metroplex. I kept calling and calling and calling stores. Nope, not a one.

While I was using the computer to look up phone numbers, my mom came in the room to tell me that she was leaving and when she would be back. I told her that I would see her the next day because I was going to be with my sister-n-law all day and then had a date that night and wouldn't be in until late. My son was going to stay at my brother's house to visit with his cousin.

So Saturday flew by and I got back to my mom's house late Saturday night. When I got up Sunday morning, she was awake and we started talking about the cruise that we are taking in a few weeks together. It was a great conversation. We decided what we were going to do when we were going to be on shore and 3 hours later, my brother called for us to meet him and his family to eat and for me to pick up my son.

*******The reason for this post****************

My mother and I have been in each other's lives for 5 months now. The longest we have ever gone. In those 5 months, I have been calling her "Mom" to my friends and my brother, but never when she was present. I would always call her by her first name. It just didn't seem right for me to call her "Mom" while she was present because I have always called her by her name. Plus, I already have a "Mom". Five months ago we had the conversation of "What do you want me to call you" and she said "I would like you to call me Mom". I just couldn't. BUT, I have called her "Mom" for so long now to my friends that "Mom" just seemed right. So....

Before we left for lunch, I said "You remember 5 months ago when I asked you what do you want me to call you and you said you wanted me to call you Mom." She said, "Yes, but you can call me anything that you would like." I said "I would like to call you "Mom" if that is ok with you." She just shook her head that it was ok with her and I turned around to go get my shoes on. That was it. That's all it took.

Searching

I am currently searching for my natural father and have been for about 5 months now. I guess turning 40 has made want to find him and talk with him. It sure is different now than it was 18 years ago when I found my natural mother. Eighteen years ago all I had to do is say, find her to the adoption agency and the next day they talked to her on the phone. I think I was expecting the same to happen with my nfather, but it ain't happening that way.

My nmother did not put his name on my original birth certificate. All she did was leave some notes in my 1968 adoption file of his name, his age, where he attended high school, and ages of his siblings. I don't know what his parent's names are or the names of his siblings or even his birthdate.

I did find his junior year of high school picture in a yearbook annual from his high school. But that is it. At least, after 39 years, I know what he looked like before I was born.

I hired a adoption search person, but that person has yet to come up with anything. I have called the high school where he went to school, but they were no luck. They won't give me any information due to privacy laws. If I can come up with a death certificate, they will give me his records. (Hmmmmm where can I get a ......?)

Every day is very frustrating on my search. My nmother told me after she gave birth to me that she went to visit my nfather and he told her that he was engaged. Engaged? What? How can you get a girl pregnant and then get engaged to someone else? Yep, one of the many questions I have for him.

Today, I looked on the internet for marriage certificates in the county that he and my nmother met. I found one with his whole name on it, but the marriage took place 1 1/2 years after I was born. That doesn't add up very good. I am going to assume if he was engaged after I was born that he would have gotten married within that year.

I have even called the state (Tennessee) where he went to high school to figure out if he might have been born there. His last name is Baker. Do you know that I think every Baker known to man was born in Tennessee or lives there now? Well, that didn't get me too far. The lady at the vital records told me if I knew his parent's name, then she could find the right birth certificate. Nope don't know their name. That is one of the things I am looking for. I could get all the birth certificate's but that would cost close to $500 and really I have no evidence that he was born in Tennessee.

I am not sure what tomorrow's idea will be, but I know it will be very frustrating. And yes, I have looked at classmates.com. No he is not there!

I'll keep you posted.

My Grandmother

This weekend I picked up my best friend and we drove 2 hours to a big city to shop. I wanted to shop the last weekend of the great sales. We had a blast and while we were traveling I was catching my best friend up on my relationship with my mom. I have always had friends who were older than me. I met my best friend when I was 15 years old and she was 32. She is 17 years older than me. As we were chatting in the car, we realized that my best friend is only 3 months older than my mother. I have never thought about this before in the 25 years that she has been my best friend.

My best friend lives 2 hours from me so as I was driving back to my home today (Sunday), I went through the town that my mother grew up in. My mother's mother passed away in 2002 and I had never gone to her gravesite. So I drove to the cemetary and called my half brother to figure out where she was buried. After walking around for about 15 minutes, he finally got me in the right corner and in the right section. I was so glad that I went. I have been wanting to go for several years, but have not been back to that town or had time to go by.

Not only did I go to the cemetary, I decided to hunt for my great aunt and see if she still lived there. I called one of my other friends and had her find her name on the internet and then mapquest the address. My friend was great. She led me right to my great aunt's house. She lives probably 5 miles in the country. I love the internet some times.

So I walked up to her house and knocked on the door. She came to the door and just looked at me not knowing who I was. The last time she saw me was probably 15 years ago. So she didn't remember who I was. So I said "I'm so-n-so, {my mother's name}'s daughter." And she said "oh yes, come in." We ended up visiting for 1 1/2 hours. It was good to be able to visit other people in my 1st family. I asked her if she had any pictures of my grandmother that she would copy for me and she said she would. I told her to take her time, that I didn't need them today and she said she would get them made and mail them to me.

She talked to me about how she met my grandmother and how they became best friends. Then my grandmother introduced her to my great uncle (my grandmother's brother) and they ended up getting married 3 months after I was born. I asked her if she knew about me before they got married and she said she didn't because my grandmother was a very private person. She didn't know for a long time about me.

Wow, that kinda of hit me a little hard in the heart. My grandmother kept me a secret from her best friend. I have read many books about the BSE years and how secretive being pregnant was, but still it is hard to hear it.

My great aunt was getting a little nervous about talking about it so I changed the subject really fast. It just gets to me that people can not talk about what happened in 1967 and 1968. My mother still doesn't talk to me much about it. I want to talk about it because I want to find out everything about my adoption. Right now I can't seem to get the hole in my heart filled up. I think if people, who were there, would talk to me and tell me everything, my hole would fill up.