One of my conversations I had with my nmother this weekend:
nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."
Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."
Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?
Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Analyzing Me
Most of you know that I contacted my nmother when I was 21 and did not have a good relationship with her until I was 39. A bachelors degree, marriage, children, career changes, divorce, and masters degree came and went on those 18 years of non-relationship with her.
Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.
I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.
When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.
I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.
During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)
So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.
But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.
Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.
I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.
When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.
I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.
During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)
So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.
But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
My Birthday
I recently had a birthday and my afamily always gets together on family birthdays. We plan ahead, figure out when we are going to meet, and where the event will occur. This year my birthday fell on a weekday and during spring break. Therefore, we are going to get together on the weekend and eat together at a restaurant. We usually decide to have it on a weekend where the whole family can gather at my parent's house and spend the whole weekend together. That is what I am used to.
When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.
The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.
It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.
But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.
I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".
Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"
When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.
The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.
It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.
But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.
I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".
Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"
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