Denise commented on This is my oldest daughter... the following:
"I would have thought that your mother's openness in introducing you would be enough. But it's not, is it? You still feel odd-man-out.
Anyway, not to devalue what you felt, but could you perhaps be overly sensitive? Seeing something you expect to see? "
Don't get me wrong, my mother's openness in introducing me was great. I am not sure if I could go as far as saying "enough", but it was a huge step. I am just not used to it and it really surprised me. It is something that I have really never thought about. I have thought about her saying, "This is my daughter _____", but not "oldest daughter". Until I hear it again and again, I am still not used to it.
Yes, I could say I am overly sensitive. Since we have been around each other for quite awhile, I don't expect to see the looks at all. When I go to my mother's office and visit her every now and then, everyone looks at me a little different. (You could call that staring at me.) It really, really bothers me, but I have learned to accept it almost at her office. I finally asked her the other day, why they do this and she says that the women think I look so much like her and they think it is great that I come visit and am in her life.
Out of the 3 children she has, I do look like her the most. Imagine that.
I still have people who know me and those who don't, tell me I have no business in my mother's life. She gave me up and that was her final decision. I shouldn't expect anything from her and shouldn't have anything to do with "them". Isn't the love my parents gave me and still continue to give me enough for me? Why would I want to hurt my parents?
So the looks and stares and the opinions keep happening and will probably keep happening. Do I try to set people straight on adoption? Depends on what day it is.
We have had our ups and downs, our "in" the relationship and "out" of the relationship, but truth be told, we would rather be together than be apart.
The girls
About Me
- TheRightThing
- I am an adoptee that has been reunited for 20 years with my mother. Unfortunately, it took me 41 years to come to grips with being adopted and wanting to be a part of my natural family. I am hoping to allow myself to release the built up emotions that I carried through life and allow myself to have two families that I love very much.
2 comments:
I get it now, what you're seeing. I am guilty of staring at adoptees in reunion. Hell, I'm guilty of staring at ANY adoptee, like a kid stares at a disabled person even though it's rude. I'm always looking for something, a sign that their okay, maybe because I want my son to be okay, I don't know. But when I see a reunited mom with her son or daughter, I can't stop looking, for their resemblance, similarities, joy and angst. I am captivated.
That's probably not the kind looking you're talking about though. Don't listen to those people who say you have no business in your mother's and your siblings' lives. Try not to anyway. That's just BS. I hate people who foist their judgments on others.
I'm learning to put on my "thickest skin" when people are staring and when they are making judgments. Can't control what they think anyway, so I'm trying (TRYING) to keep the insecurities at bay.
I'm glad you're working through this with so much commitment and thoughfulness.
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