This weekend my children and I went to my nmother's house. I took the boys with me because my half-sister invited us to her daughter's birthday pool party. Even though I didn't feel obligated to go because she is my half-sister, I felt privileged to go. This is the first time she has invited me to anything. The boys had a great time at the party swimming and enjoyed being around everyone.
But I have to say, I don't like get togethers still. There were lots of people at the party and even cousins that I had never met. My mother introduced me to almost everyone there. Every time she would introduce me, she would say, "This is my oldest daughter ____". It was very different for me to hear it. I am the only daughter and the youngest in my adoptive family.
So now it is all in the open that I am the "oldest daughter". Ok, I can handle that now. The problem lies in the fact that most of the people she introduced me to knows the situation or did not know that there was another daughter in the family.
Let's go with they knew about me. I don't know if every adoptee goes through this, but when I was introduced to people that knew that "I was the one put up for adoption years ago", they would have that look in their eye. It is really hard to describe, but it was like, "oh, you are the one that came back into this family's life. You are the one that doesn't belong. Why can't you just stay away." Oh yeah, the look of "you do not belong here". "You are not part of this family." Yes, people can be kind and shake hands and say that they are glad to meet you, but it's that look they give you that means the most.
Now for the "they didn't know there was another daughter in the family." That look is not quite as bad but there is a "I didn't know there was another daughter. I thought (my sister's name) only had a brother. She has never spoken about a sister." You can tell that all this is going through a person's head when they meet me because they have been around my sister for years and I was never spoken of.
So how does this make me feel? Like I don't belong. When I am with my adoptive family, I feel like I belong because I have a history with them and we love each other very much. When I am with my natural family, I truly, deep down feel like I belong until something pops up and reminds me that I don't belong to my natural family. I am suppose to stay outside the circle and peek in. Granted, some times I even get to walk in the circle and enjoy it, but then I must eventually walk out and go back to my spot and peek in.
I really thought that some day the "stares" and the "looks" would end. It has with my immediate natural family, but with everyone else, it hasn't. I think I need to realize that the "stares" and the "looks" will never end. I feel like I have the word "ADOPTED" written on my forehead and I can't scrub it off.
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3 comments:
I know how you feel..what about when you don't belong to anyone?
I am going through that right now.
Your post really touched me. I try very hard to understand what it's like for adoptees in reunion, but having been raised in my own family, I can't truly know. I would have thought that your mother's openness in introducing you would be enough. But it's not, is it? You still feel odd-man-out. That history/lack of history thing again. No undoing what's gone before. It really does suck.
I wonder about the looks. I watched family members and friends closely when I introduced my son to them (and in that case everyone knew the situation) and I never saw anything but love and acceptance in their eyes. If I had I might have bashed them over the head! Anyway, not to devalue what you felt, but could you perhaps be overly sensitive? Seeing something you expect to see?
(((HUGS)))
This may sound political, but over the last 80 years or so since adoptive parents and agencies first began lobbying for the "as if born to" principle to be enshrined in law (resulting in closed records, complete legal severing of filiation, and removal of inheritance rights), the move in society, supported by laws and the media, is to see adoptees as SOLELY the children of the adoptive parents. "Just like a child of our own" the advertising goes. So, relatives in your natural family likely have NO clue as to whether they are to treat you as family or just a "biological acquaintance" as Dr. Laura put it, or as "biological stranger" as the NCFA promotes. or "genetic parent" as Marietta Spencer suggested in her 1979 article (the one where she also defined "birthmother" as meaning a mother for uterine purposes only).
And as the term "birthmother" means somone who is no longer a mother, so if they are familiar with this term, they may wonder why on earth you are interested in her, other than for obtaining medical history. The analogy has been drawn to being interested in a baby bottle or pram -- something put behind you long ago.
It is an ambiguous loss for the relatives -- are you a family member or not? Humans don't like ambiguity, esp. in relationships. And society does not recognize that someone can have more than 2 parents (unless it's a step-parent). So you're left in a quandry. I don't know what to suggest, other than it gets better over the years as people become accustomed to you being at family events and get to know you.
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