A couple of weeks ago, I went to visit my mother for the weekend and of course I brought up questions and topics that she didn't want to discuss. At the end of our conversation, my mother asked me "why can't my love just be good enough? Why do I have to keep proving that I love you?"
I didn't say a thing after that. I knew she was right, so I dropped the topic.
My cousin came to visit me this last weekend and we ended up talking a little bit about my relationship with my mother. I told my cousin what my mother had told me and since I have had a couple of weeks to think about it, I said, "Yes I feel like she does have to prove her love. She hasn't been there for 39 years. Yes, I question her love every day."
I then told my cousin that I had to get over this for me to keep my relationship with my mother. I just can't continue to question her love or question whether she will be there in the future.
My cousin told me that when I talk with my mother about questions or adoption topics, I keep asking the same question over and over. (I beg to differ on this, but she continued to explain herself.) "You might think you are asking different questions, but really you are trying to get to the same answer each time. It is like you are trying to get in a circle room that has many doors on the outside of it. When you can't get through one, you move to another door. But, you are still trying to get into the same room."
It finally dawned on me that she is right. This past year, my mother keeps telling me that I keep talking about the same thing over and over and I keep telling her I don't. But after my cousin explained it, I do keep talking about the same thing over and over even though I use different words each time.
Then the conversation went on.
Me: "I keep feeling that I am looking for something and am not finding it. I keep pushing for something and it is not there. I have got to either get over it or find it because it is ruining my relationship with her."
My cousin: "I think deep down that you are looking for your natural mother to be like your adoptive mother. That you are trying to get the same feeling deep down that you have for your adoptive mother. Knowing you, no matter how hard you push for that it is not going to happen any time soon. It might happen 10 or 20 years from now, but right now you are trying to get to know one another."
All this time, I have been trying to figure out what was really bothering me deep down inside. There are a couple of things:
(1) It makes me feel very sad when I am around my natural family and they start talking about things they did in the past. Of course, I wasn't there, but if my mother would have made a different decision for me, I would be able to share memories with them. I have memories growing up as a child, but no one in my natural family want to hear about them.
(2) It makes me sad that for 19 years, my mother did not try to keep me in the family. She keeps telling me that she wanted it to be my decision to be in the family. At the same time, she never kept in contact with me.
(3) She is my mother, but deep, deep down, I do know she is, but I am having a hard time feeling it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Past Memories
One of the issues that I am dealing with in adoption land right now is past memories.
When I get together with my adoptive family, we laugh about what happened in the past and talk about where we had vacations together or where we spent holidays together. But when it comes to my natural family, I don’t have that. My natural mother loves to travel. She would find a way to take her whole family on a vacation together. But I never was invited to go, so I don’t have any vacation memories with them.
Since I have spent all my adult life, minus this past year, away from my natural family, I have missed out on creating new memories with them. I know that in the future, probably, the memories will be created, but I didn’t realize all these years what my absence was really doing to me.
Oh Wow! “…what my absence was really doing to me” Hmmmm, I haven’t thought of it like that before.
I am now paying the price of being absent all these years. For the first 21 years of my life, I didn’t have a choice of being absent, but since the last 19 years, I have had the choice.
I have never realized that the choice of me being absent would affect my relationship with both families. On my adoptive family side, I am now sharing their time with another family. I would love to be in two places at once, but it can’t happen. On my natural family side, I do the same thing. I share my time, but at the same time, I am trying to create memories.
My half-brother and me are so much a like when it comes to fun and kidding around. My half-sister and me are so much a like when it comes to seriousness and taking care of business. It really hits me when my half-brother will talk of the things that our sister would do to him when they were in school years ago. I miss that. I really do. I want to be the one with him that laughs about what happened when I was in high school and he was in junior high. I want to have past memories!
How do you get over not having past memories? How do you deal with your natural family talking about past times and laughing about it and you just sit there not having a clue what they are talking about and wishing you would have been there?
When I get together with my adoptive family, we laugh about what happened in the past and talk about where we had vacations together or where we spent holidays together. But when it comes to my natural family, I don’t have that. My natural mother loves to travel. She would find a way to take her whole family on a vacation together. But I never was invited to go, so I don’t have any vacation memories with them.
Since I have spent all my adult life, minus this past year, away from my natural family, I have missed out on creating new memories with them. I know that in the future, probably, the memories will be created, but I didn’t realize all these years what my absence was really doing to me.
Oh Wow! “…what my absence was really doing to me” Hmmmm, I haven’t thought of it like that before.
I am now paying the price of being absent all these years. For the first 21 years of my life, I didn’t have a choice of being absent, but since the last 19 years, I have had the choice.
I have never realized that the choice of me being absent would affect my relationship with both families. On my adoptive family side, I am now sharing their time with another family. I would love to be in two places at once, but it can’t happen. On my natural family side, I do the same thing. I share my time, but at the same time, I am trying to create memories.
My half-brother and me are so much a like when it comes to fun and kidding around. My half-sister and me are so much a like when it comes to seriousness and taking care of business. It really hits me when my half-brother will talk of the things that our sister would do to him when they were in school years ago. I miss that. I really do. I want to be the one with him that laughs about what happened when I was in high school and he was in junior high. I want to have past memories!
How do you get over not having past memories? How do you deal with your natural family talking about past times and laughing about it and you just sit there not having a clue what they are talking about and wishing you would have been there?
Friday, October 17, 2008
My Birthday Cards
If you haven't read Firstmother Forum then pop on over there. They have interested things to say.
I ended up replying to Linda's post "Happy Birthday, Sarah". When I reunited with my mother at 21, it was 6 months before my 22nd birthday. We reunited one day before Thanksgiving and my birthday is in March. By the time, March came around, I had tried to cease the relationship. I quit responding to letters that she sent in the mail and I quit answering my phone (didn't have caller id back then). This didn't stop her from writing so I finally sent her letters back to her with a "No Forwarding Address" from the post office stamped on them.
But, by the time my birthday got here, she sent a birthday card to the adoption agency for me because she knew that the contact person there would get in touch with me. Of course he did and I said I am not interested and don't want the card.
The next 18 years, every now and then, my mother would send a birthday card. No Christmas cards or gifts, just birthday card. This is when my brother (her son) would tell her what my address was. I would get the cards in the mail, open them and read them. They were always cards that had "To my daughter".
I would just die. Daughter? I am not your daughter, I would think. But I would read them. It is funny now. Instead of just getting the card in the mail, never opening it, and throwing it in the trash, I would actually open it and read what she had to say. I have to admit. Deep down I was always glad that she would remember my birthday. But I felt like I couldn't keep the cards.
I couldn't keep them because I didn't want my parents, who frequently visited my house, to find out that she mailed me a card and it said "To My Daughter." I didn't need to have my adoptive mother get upset at my natural mother on MY birthday.
Also, most of the time, I didn't want my husband at the time to find out that she had sent me a card. He didn't care anything for her and it always stirred up problems between us. So I lived my little, or rather, huge secret of what little contact she had with me. She never knew if I received the cards.
Now that we are in a pretty good relationship, I wished that I would have kept all her cards. I wished she would have been able to send me a birthday card every year. But I can't take any of that back now.
So if you are contemplating whether or not to send a birthday card to your daughter/son, my opinion is go ahead because years later it just might matter. And if it doesn't matter years later, then you haven't lost a thing over it. Even though some of us adoptees make rules with our mothers, there are some that can be broken.
For those of you who want to go all out and send something, I would have to say stick with the card. That's it. Don't make a huge deal of it. Just something that says, "I am thinking of you on your day."
I ended up replying to Linda's post "Happy Birthday, Sarah". When I reunited with my mother at 21, it was 6 months before my 22nd birthday. We reunited one day before Thanksgiving and my birthday is in March. By the time, March came around, I had tried to cease the relationship. I quit responding to letters that she sent in the mail and I quit answering my phone (didn't have caller id back then). This didn't stop her from writing so I finally sent her letters back to her with a "No Forwarding Address" from the post office stamped on them.
But, by the time my birthday got here, she sent a birthday card to the adoption agency for me because she knew that the contact person there would get in touch with me. Of course he did and I said I am not interested and don't want the card.
The next 18 years, every now and then, my mother would send a birthday card. No Christmas cards or gifts, just birthday card. This is when my brother (her son) would tell her what my address was. I would get the cards in the mail, open them and read them. They were always cards that had "To my daughter".
I would just die. Daughter? I am not your daughter, I would think. But I would read them. It is funny now. Instead of just getting the card in the mail, never opening it, and throwing it in the trash, I would actually open it and read what she had to say. I have to admit. Deep down I was always glad that she would remember my birthday. But I felt like I couldn't keep the cards.
I couldn't keep them because I didn't want my parents, who frequently visited my house, to find out that she mailed me a card and it said "To My Daughter." I didn't need to have my adoptive mother get upset at my natural mother on MY birthday.
Also, most of the time, I didn't want my husband at the time to find out that she had sent me a card. He didn't care anything for her and it always stirred up problems between us. So I lived my little, or rather, huge secret of what little contact she had with me. She never knew if I received the cards.
Now that we are in a pretty good relationship, I wished that I would have kept all her cards. I wished she would have been able to send me a birthday card every year. But I can't take any of that back now.
So if you are contemplating whether or not to send a birthday card to your daughter/son, my opinion is go ahead because years later it just might matter. And if it doesn't matter years later, then you haven't lost a thing over it. Even though some of us adoptees make rules with our mothers, there are some that can be broken.
For those of you who want to go all out and send something, I would have to say stick with the card. That's it. Don't make a huge deal of it. Just something that says, "I am thinking of you on your day."
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My Mother's Best Friend's Opinion
A couple of days ago, I emailed one of my mother's best friends. She works with this friend and we have known each other for 10 years. She was the one that talked with me when my half sister got married a couple of months ago.
I decided to email her knowing that my mother talks with her about mine and my mother's relationship.
My email to my mother's best friend:
My mother asked many months ago to call her "Mom" if I wanted to and I have really been considering it for awhile now, but can't seem to get there. One of those reasons is that I don't want to disrespect my half-sister. I feel that my half-sister will get very upset with this and get upset with me and our mother. The other is I am not sure how this is going to affect our relationship with each other.
Of all the people I could talk with, I think you are the one that would give it to me straight and might know the answer. If you don't mind me asking you, do you think this will help our relationship a lot if I finally choose to call her "Mom"?
Her answer:
I think it is great that your mother has come to that point where she wants you to call her Mom, and I'm not sure she would ask you to do something that she would think would upset your half-sister. But you have to understand that this is about you & your mother, not you & your half-sister. She's your Mom. I would not force this issue just because you or your mother say it is okay. The thing is Why cant you not get there? Is it you or is it your half-sister. Pray about that one?? I truly feel there will come a place & time when you will be comfortable enough to say the word "Mom" to your mother (Out Loud) and in your heart it will be because she is & not because of the aspirations you have for it to be.Sometimes it's just not good to force something that isn't natural just because. Maybe when you are ready you can say it on the phone in the shield of not being face to face there is more protection from the awkwardness of the first time. Just a thought!. But I still say, not until you are ready & can stop worrying about everyone else. NO! Don't go there, It is between you and your Mom!
There has been so much positive progress in your relationship with your new family. With each step or phase there is an awkwardness, a strained feeling.
Stop thinking to much & start loving & praying more. Love as God loves us, unconditional, no expectations of anything in return. Just the Joy of Love & it will fill you enough to take away the pain & the doubt.
SO! You ask and those are my thoughts. Take what you need, toss out the rest, & don't worry about it. All worry does is try to camouflage our joy. SO STOP!
I decided to email her knowing that my mother talks with her about mine and my mother's relationship.
My email to my mother's best friend:
My mother asked many months ago to call her "Mom" if I wanted to and I have really been considering it for awhile now, but can't seem to get there. One of those reasons is that I don't want to disrespect my half-sister. I feel that my half-sister will get very upset with this and get upset with me and our mother. The other is I am not sure how this is going to affect our relationship with each other.
Of all the people I could talk with, I think you are the one that would give it to me straight and might know the answer. If you don't mind me asking you, do you think this will help our relationship a lot if I finally choose to call her "Mom"?
Her answer:
I think it is great that your mother has come to that point where she wants you to call her Mom, and I'm not sure she would ask you to do something that she would think would upset your half-sister. But you have to understand that this is about you & your mother, not you & your half-sister. She's your Mom. I would not force this issue just because you or your mother say it is okay. The thing is Why cant you not get there? Is it you or is it your half-sister. Pray about that one?? I truly feel there will come a place & time when you will be comfortable enough to say the word "Mom" to your mother (Out Loud) and in your heart it will be because she is & not because of the aspirations you have for it to be.Sometimes it's just not good to force something that isn't natural just because. Maybe when you are ready you can say it on the phone in the shield of not being face to face there is more protection from the awkwardness of the first time. Just a thought!. But I still say, not until you are ready & can stop worrying about everyone else. NO! Don't go there, It is between you and your Mom!
There has been so much positive progress in your relationship with your new family. With each step or phase there is an awkwardness, a strained feeling.
Stop thinking to much & start loving & praying more. Love as God loves us, unconditional, no expectations of anything in return. Just the Joy of Love & it will fill you enough to take away the pain & the doubt.
SO! You ask and those are my thoughts. Take what you need, toss out the rest, & don't worry about it. All worry does is try to camouflage our joy. SO STOP!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Red Rover, Red Rover, I Need To Come Over
I was speaking with a couple of good friends the other day talking with them about my relationship with my mother. I have come to a cross roads again and am having to decided to either stay in the relationship or get out.
My relationship has really, really grown in the last year and I am to the point that I want more of a relationship than what I am giving, but I am not sure if I want to give more. Giving more means a chance at being hurt more. I realized that there is more to this than what I was willing to admit. I know that my natural mother is my mother by giving birth to me, but I am to the point where I want her to become one of my mothers.
Calling her "Mom" has really just got me stirred up. I still haven't called her that to her face. I call her "Mom" when I am talking about her with my friends. I have just very recently started calling her "Mom" to other members of her family and they say "Who?" So they are not used to me calling her that. Does that mean they don't see that she is my mother? Hmmmm.
For me, it is time that I call her "Mom", but once I do that there is no turning back. I have even discussed this with her and she doesn't say much.
One of the main reasons I haven't called her "Mom" to her is that I asked her to talk with her other daughter before I do this. I have enough respect for my half-sister for her to know what is going on so that she is not blind-sided one day if she hears me calling her "Mom". My mother hasn't talked with her yet and it has been several months.
I know now why the first 18 years had not gone well with our relationship. When I wanted something more to our relationship, it bothered me so much I would just back off. She wouldn't come to me and talk about it or help me, so communication died. It seems that if I stop communicating, the relationship dies. It doesn't mean enough to her to just ask me "what is wrong. how can I help?"
In the end, I will get through this. Probably alone, but I will cross the road.
By the way, my friends were very upset at me and let me "have it" when I told them I was thinking about getting out of my relationship with her. They told me that I can't just have a relationship with her and then one day decide to pull out. That wasn't being fair to her or me either.
Maybe I should get new friends. ;-)
My relationship has really, really grown in the last year and I am to the point that I want more of a relationship than what I am giving, but I am not sure if I want to give more. Giving more means a chance at being hurt more. I realized that there is more to this than what I was willing to admit. I know that my natural mother is my mother by giving birth to me, but I am to the point where I want her to become one of my mothers.
Calling her "Mom" has really just got me stirred up. I still haven't called her that to her face. I call her "Mom" when I am talking about her with my friends. I have just very recently started calling her "Mom" to other members of her family and they say "Who?" So they are not used to me calling her that. Does that mean they don't see that she is my mother? Hmmmm.
For me, it is time that I call her "Mom", but once I do that there is no turning back. I have even discussed this with her and she doesn't say much.
One of the main reasons I haven't called her "Mom" to her is that I asked her to talk with her other daughter before I do this. I have enough respect for my half-sister for her to know what is going on so that she is not blind-sided one day if she hears me calling her "Mom". My mother hasn't talked with her yet and it has been several months.
I know now why the first 18 years had not gone well with our relationship. When I wanted something more to our relationship, it bothered me so much I would just back off. She wouldn't come to me and talk about it or help me, so communication died. It seems that if I stop communicating, the relationship dies. It doesn't mean enough to her to just ask me "what is wrong. how can I help?"
In the end, I will get through this. Probably alone, but I will cross the road.
By the way, my friends were very upset at me and let me "have it" when I told them I was thinking about getting out of my relationship with her. They told me that I can't just have a relationship with her and then one day decide to pull out. That wasn't being fair to her or me either.
Maybe I should get new friends. ;-)
Friday, October 3, 2008
I Feel Guilty
For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling really guilty. I have realized that I am wanting to make a huge step in my relationship with my nmother. Really I would have to say a "huge leap".
I have always thought that I was the one that was further along in our relationship. I felt like there were times where I would have to stop dead in my tracks and wait for my mother to catch up to me on our relationship. There were even times when I felt like I would have to stop, back up a few or many steps, and pull her along. There has been many, many humps in the road and many brick walls that have been walked around or had to be torn down.
I have always wished that one day we would be at the end of the tunnel or the end of this line that we walk on. The end would just open up.
I have always thought that I was the one that was further along in our relationship. I felt like there were times where I would have to stop dead in my tracks and wait for my mother to catch up to me on our relationship. There were even times when I felt like I would have to stop, back up a few or many steps, and pull her along. There has been many, many humps in the road and many brick walls that have been walked around or had to be torn down.
I have always wished that one day we would be at the end of the tunnel or the end of this line that we walk on. The end would just open up.
- No more problems
- No more worries
- No more guilty feelings
- No more insecurities
That is the day I yearn for. But until then, I have walked slowly on the line and waited for her to catch up.
When my nmother was here a few weekends ago, I found out that I wasn't the one that was in the front. When we finally sat down and talked, I realized all this time instead of me waiting on her to catch up to our relationship, she has been waiting on me.
Wow, this changes things. Apparently I haven't been seeing the big picture. Now that I see that she really wants a mother/daughter relationship with me. I want to have that daughter/mother relationship with her.
For the last several weeks, I have been feeling guilty about how I feel toward my nmother. I catch myself thinking that she is totally my mother and wanting to treat her as such. I have at times treated her like I treat my adoptive mother. That is when the guilty feelings come afloat. I start thinking, "Is it right to treat anyone else in my life like I treat my mother that has always been there while I was growing up?"
I wished there was a way that I could treat both mothers differently, but know that both of them are my mothers. But this can't happen because I only know how to treat one mother like my mother. Therefore, I have to treat my nmother just like I do my adoptive mother. Is that really fair to my adoptive mother? Is it fair to my natural mother? Is it fair to me?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
I Needed Her
When I was 24, in 1994, I stored all my belongings in storage, packed a suitcase, and went to visit my nmother and her family. I had visited her one time before this on a Saturday, but this was the first time I was going to spend the night and stay a little while.
Like I said in the previous post, this was a start to the next 14 years of our relationship being ruined.
Looking back now, I wish I would have never gone to visit.
When I arrived at her house, my half-sister and her husband had just moved out of the house. My half-brother and his girlfriend lived in the house and just had a baby together. My nmother was getting a divorce. To top all that off, here I came.
I really didn't go to her house to spend the next 2 or 3 weeks with her. I went to spend several days so that I could spend some time with her and my brother and his family.
I was without a job, no money, and didn't know what I was going to do for the rest of my life. But, I really didn't care all that much about the rest of my life, because I was staying with my mother finally.
I am really not sure how my mother felt those few weeks. We did not spend too much time together because she really didn't want to have anything to do with me. Looking back, I really think I went to stay with her to see if she was going to treat me like her daughter. Instead, she treated me like I was her worst enemy and she couldn't get rid of me. This made my anger, for her, surface.
She didn't realize her decision for putting me up for adoption and then having nothing to do with me would make me angrier and angrier at her. I would ask her why she didn't want me around, why did she make decisions the way she was making them, why this, why that, why in the heck would you give me away. I kept pushing her and pushing her into a corner and she was not willing to get out. Now I see how she could not get out of the corner.
The other day, while she was visiting me on the weekend, I asked her, "Why, when I stayed with you 14 years ago, did you not take me outside, sit me down, and help me? All I needed for you to do is help me through all the feelings that surfaced. You didn't even try."
She told me that she doesn't know why she didn't try to help me. She said that she didn't know what to do with me. She couldn't handle my anger.
I ended up leaving one day without telling her bye. I never went back. She never called, I never called.
I knew then that our relationship would depend on me from then on. I didn't need a relationship with her if she wasn't going to step up to the plate and admit that I am her daughter. If she wasn't going to help me get through this, I didn't want her in my life.
Was it worth 14 years of hardly a relationship after this? I can tell you this...relationships work both ways. Some days one person gives 110% and the other gives -110%. Some days both people only give 50% and some days both give nothing. And then there are those days that both people give 100%.
The answer: No, it wasn't worth. Because I cannot make up for the last 14 years.
What could have happened? I did need a break, but the ball was always, and I believe still is, in my court. It seems that I choose if or when we are going to have a relationship. Yes, I did need a break, but at the same time, I needed my mother. I needed her in those younger years!!! And she was not there.
Like I said in the previous post, this was a start to the next 14 years of our relationship being ruined.
Looking back now, I wish I would have never gone to visit.
When I arrived at her house, my half-sister and her husband had just moved out of the house. My half-brother and his girlfriend lived in the house and just had a baby together. My nmother was getting a divorce. To top all that off, here I came.
I really didn't go to her house to spend the next 2 or 3 weeks with her. I went to spend several days so that I could spend some time with her and my brother and his family.
I was without a job, no money, and didn't know what I was going to do for the rest of my life. But, I really didn't care all that much about the rest of my life, because I was staying with my mother finally.
I am really not sure how my mother felt those few weeks. We did not spend too much time together because she really didn't want to have anything to do with me. Looking back, I really think I went to stay with her to see if she was going to treat me like her daughter. Instead, she treated me like I was her worst enemy and she couldn't get rid of me. This made my anger, for her, surface.
She didn't realize her decision for putting me up for adoption and then having nothing to do with me would make me angrier and angrier at her. I would ask her why she didn't want me around, why did she make decisions the way she was making them, why this, why that, why in the heck would you give me away. I kept pushing her and pushing her into a corner and she was not willing to get out. Now I see how she could not get out of the corner.
The other day, while she was visiting me on the weekend, I asked her, "Why, when I stayed with you 14 years ago, did you not take me outside, sit me down, and help me? All I needed for you to do is help me through all the feelings that surfaced. You didn't even try."
She told me that she doesn't know why she didn't try to help me. She said that she didn't know what to do with me. She couldn't handle my anger.
I ended up leaving one day without telling her bye. I never went back. She never called, I never called.
I knew then that our relationship would depend on me from then on. I didn't need a relationship with her if she wasn't going to step up to the plate and admit that I am her daughter. If she wasn't going to help me get through this, I didn't want her in my life.
Was it worth 14 years of hardly a relationship after this? I can tell you this...relationships work both ways. Some days one person gives 110% and the other gives -110%. Some days both people only give 50% and some days both give nothing. And then there are those days that both people give 100%.
The answer: No, it wasn't worth. Because I cannot make up for the last 14 years.
What could have happened? I did need a break, but the ball was always, and I believe still is, in my court. It seems that I choose if or when we are going to have a relationship. Yes, I did need a break, but at the same time, I needed my mother. I needed her in those younger years!!! And she was not there.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
The Secret Life
Continuing from Years Ago
During the time that my nmother and I were working on our relationship, my friends were not positive about my relationship with her. They didn't understand why I would even talk with her. My half-brother was coming to my house on the weekends (5 hours away from his house) and my friends really liked him, but they wanted nothing to do with my mother. They would tell me that I have no right to be talking with her and she had not right to be talking with me. I ended up talking with no one about my relationship with her.
I didn't tell any of my family members that I was in a relationship with her because I didn't want to have to deal with them. I didn't want to deal with my adoptive mother wondering if I liked my nmother better than her. I knew she would be wondering if I would leave my adoptive family and go to my natural family. I thought this was "crazy thinking" so instead of dealing with it, it was much easier to keep things a secret. I pretty much kept my relationship with her a secret from family and friends.
I have recently found out that my nmother was having to deal with a relationship with me and dealing with how her other daughter was feeling. She told me that she had to be very careful with our relationship and not take from her relationship with her other daughter who was still living at home.
My mother and I would talk on the phone at least once a month and few months later I left my job and moved out of the city I was living in with no job. I ended up at my nmother's house and stayed there for 3 weeks.
Those 3 weeks ruined our relationship for the next 14 years.
During the time that my nmother and I were working on our relationship, my friends were not positive about my relationship with her. They didn't understand why I would even talk with her. My half-brother was coming to my house on the weekends (5 hours away from his house) and my friends really liked him, but they wanted nothing to do with my mother. They would tell me that I have no right to be talking with her and she had not right to be talking with me. I ended up talking with no one about my relationship with her.
I didn't tell any of my family members that I was in a relationship with her because I didn't want to have to deal with them. I didn't want to deal with my adoptive mother wondering if I liked my nmother better than her. I knew she would be wondering if I would leave my adoptive family and go to my natural family. I thought this was "crazy thinking" so instead of dealing with it, it was much easier to keep things a secret. I pretty much kept my relationship with her a secret from family and friends.
I have recently found out that my nmother was having to deal with a relationship with me and dealing with how her other daughter was feeling. She told me that she had to be very careful with our relationship and not take from her relationship with her other daughter who was still living at home.
My mother and I would talk on the phone at least once a month and few months later I left my job and moved out of the city I was living in with no job. I ended up at my nmother's house and stayed there for 3 weeks.
Those 3 weeks ruined our relationship for the next 14 years.
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