Don't You Dare

I just have to get something out of my system so that I can feel like I can move forward better in my relationship with nmom. Being reunited for many years, I have a lot of time to look back on and see a lot of mistakes I have made. Our relationship right now is hindered because of the mistakes I have made. I am not sure if I could even call them mistakes. I really should call them immature, dumb, stupid things that I did. Anyway, there is this particular one that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

Way back in the 1990s, when I was seeing nmom for several weeks at a time, we would get into discussions about my adoption and all the questions that I could ask about it. Even though I was seeking answers to those questions, my main goal was something different. I have mentioned before that I would ask questions in the past, but would really not hear the answers to be able to put them into memory. Normally there was only one thing I was pushing for in these discussions. I was waiting on the answer "Because I am your mother!". I would keep asking "why?" and kept pushing for the "why" answer. She would never say "because I am your mother" even though I know she wanted to many, many times.

I really don't blame her for not ever saying that. If she would have said it, oh the anger from all those years of not knowing her would have just came out and everyone would have had to duck or move out of the way because I would have let it all out.

"What, you think you are my mother? You are not my mother. You didn't raise me. You didn't come find me. You didn't come to my school activities. You didn't help me through college. Oh did I mention, YOU WERE NOT THERE!!! And why was that?"

I know that there were a lot more sayings that I would have sad, but since I have grown up a whole lot and matured a lot, I really can't remember all the things I would have said.

Back then I needed for her to hear how much it really hurt me that she was not there in the first 21 years of my life. I really needed her to understand my feelings and then be able to "fix" everything that I had gone through since I was adopted. But she wouldn't. Now I assume she wouldn't because she hadn't dealt with all her feelings either and couldn't handle all mine on top of hers. But doing this really hindered our relationship for 18 more years.

On a good note, I really wished she would have said it even though I would have snapped back. Then I would have known where she stood in this "adoption" stuff. I would have known that no matter what, she still thought of me as her daughter and she as my mother. Since she would never confirm it or even get to that spot of "ok we know where everyone stands now", I would just figure that she didn't want me to be her daughter any more and I needed to move on with my life.

Excited, But Nervous

I was doing fine with the news that my nMom was going with me on the cruise up until today. I was confident and sure that things would go great.

Today we were talking on the phone and we were discussing some things that we might want to do while we were on the ship and on the shore. Let me try to put you in my shoes.

Go to your nearest "wally-world" store and pick out a person that you don't know and that you think you could be good friends with. Then go have coffee with this person for a couple of hours. Then go on a cruise with her/him in 6 weeks. But before you go, talk on the phone a few times and discuss which adventures you are going to do while on the ship and shore. What? You don't swim, but the other person does. You like window shopping, but the other person doesn't. You don't care about formal night, but the other person wants to go to formal night. Wow, do you have anything in common?

Now, if you can understand that feeling, I am there! I realized today that we might not have things in common. We really haven't spent enough time together in all these years to know what we have in common.

So now I am getting a little nervous about this trip. I really didn't think I would be nervous. I knew I would be excited, but nervous? No. Hopefully we will take some time in the near future and sit down together and discuss what things that we would like to do on the trip together and find out things that we have in common.

In the meantime, maybe I should write a 10 questionaire email every week with little things so that we can get to know each other before we go. You know, those emails that your friends send to you that have a question and they have answered it and you are suppose to take out their answer and put your answer and then send it back to the person who sent it to you and send it to all your other friends. (Do those really do anything?) Hmmm....what questions would I ask in an email?

Time To Celebrate

A wrote "Throwing in the Towel" a week ago and said that I asked my nMom to go on a cruise with me on my birthday this year and she told me "No." This week I called her and asked her if she had thought any more about going and if so, would she go with me. She said "Yes" she would go.

So we are planning our first vacation together. For me it is very exciting. I am not sure what we are going to do for at least 2 days at sea on a big ship, but we will have fun. My Mom has been on many cruises and this will be my first. I have traveled all over the world, but have not made the time to cruise around.

I talked with her today and I told her that I had bought the tickets for the cruise and airline and we were committed. She told me that she had been having second thoughts about going and asked if I had had the same thoughts. I told her that I had not had a one and I was excited about going. I am usually the one that starts having second thoughts and backs out, but this time, I am confident and comfortable.

Oh, my sister, well, Mom finally told her that we were going and she told our mom that it was ok with her. Maybe everyone is finally growing up in our family, including me.

Adoptees Attacked on Blog Land

I have been reading blogs for a couple of months now because I was seeking something. Didn't know what it was but I figured when I found it, it would hit me.

I did find the blog that I mentioned in one of my previous blogs about the girl, who wasn't a mother or an adoptee, who was making comments. She was attacking mothers who gave their children up. What really struck me in that blog was the date. It was November of 2007. I just couldn't believe that mothers were still getting attacked in the present. Really I thought I was the last adoptee or person on this earth that quit attacking mothers for giving up their children. Hey if I could find peace with it and forgiveness and understanding, everyone else in this world could.

Since finding that blog and comments, I have really had compassion for my mother and other mothers as well. When I talk to another natural mother, I tell her I am sorry that she had to go through what she did. When I told my mother that I was sorry she had to go through that, she didn't believe me, but at least I told her and she will have to deal with that her own way. Hopefully soon, she will really see that I am truly sorry for what she went through.

As I was reading other blogs, I noticed that some people had started to heal from adoption. I didn't realize I needed to heal from adoption until a few months ago and maybe that was what I was seeking. HEALING.

My friends that I hang around with are very good friends. They are very supportive with me and my relationship with my natural mother. I even have friends that take care of the puppies when I go to visit her so that I don't have to take them. I am very blessed to have my friends. But even talking with them about the things I go through with my mother is not quiet the same as talking with another reunited adoptee or a reunited mother. That is why I like reading other adoptee or mother's blogs. Some days I read something and it helps me to heal.

I did read a blog this past weekend that the mother had not posted in quite awhile on her post, but for some reason, every now and then, I would go back to her blog just to see if any new post was present. She posted a letter to her daughter on her blog. The letter was a response to her daughter's question, "What am I suppose to tell my child when they ask me why you gave me away?" When I was reading her response, I felt like it was my mother talking to me. The first few sentences read, "I have told you this before but I will answer again. I feel like you want a quick answer, but the answer will never make it ok." And then she continues on with the answer.

When I went to see my mother for the first time in years a few months ago, we went down the path of "unlimited questions". Well, I went down the path and dragged my mother down it with me. Yes, she had answered them before, but after all these years, I couldn't remember the answer to them. I know she had answered the questions before, but hey that was 18 years ago and my memory is really shot now. But not only do I not remember the answers, I know back then I really didn't even LISTEN to the answers. I was just firing away each question. I didn't realize that I needed to put them to long-term memory.

I still have a ton of questions that I would love to ask my mother, but choose not to right now. It would not help our relationship grow right now and in time I will ask them if I need to get them answered. Who knows, they all may get answered with just us spending time together.

But back to blogging. After seeing so many adoption related blogs, I thought that might help me get through this trying time of my mother and me bonding and maybe I could get some anger, hurting, or sadness out of my system if I could write it down.

I guess this writing stuff down is helping because it seems I don't have something to say every day about adoption. I even caught myself trying to make a post without anything to say and realized that I don't have to be hurt every day by adoption or sad or anger. Some days can be happy days and some days are happy days.

But reading other's blogs brought on some questions that I can not ask my own mother but chose to ask other mothers. So I would finally get the nerve to comment on some one's blog. I really hate commenting or even emails that have emotion attached to them because you never know how the other person is going to take the comment or email because they set the "tone" of your comment or email. But, hey, this is adoption land and us adoptees need other mothers some times to explain things when our own mother can't or won't.

I have to say, I also didn't realize how some mothers out there just attack adoptive parents or even us adoptees. When I finally got the nerve up to comment, thinking it was a compassionate, "hey I support you", "Just wondering how you feel about.." comment, I even got blasted for words that I chose to use. Hey I am an adoptee, I am on your side. I am not blasting you for your opinions or things you say. I just had a question or comment. Do not think I am here to squash you like a bug because you are a natural mother. I do have compassion for what you are going through and what you have been going through.

Even in forum land, it seems that natural mothers are blasting adoptees for comments. Some mothers might ask how can we adoptees feel like this. We in turn are open and honest and tell them and then the you-know-what hits the fan. I even noticed that natural mothers really hate adoptive parents. Apparently they are the ones to blame (oh don't get me started on the word "blame") for all this trauma. And then of course, us adoptees, take up for our adoptive parents and then the natural mothers tell us not to and then it keeps going.

So I ended up noticing that not many adoptees contribute to forums or comments that natural mothers have created because of all this. And now that I have learned my lesson about committing or asking questions, I think I will cross the line with the other adoptees and sit on the side lines watching.

Maybe I should keep my comments to myself and just go "hmmmmm, that's interesting."

Secrets

This past weekend I took my oldest son to an instructor that would show him how to ride his dirt bike better. He had a wreck on it last year and has been a little scared of the bike since. The lesson did him some good and now he is excited about dirt bike racing again. The lesson was suppose to last 2 hours, but 4 hours later, we put the bike in the trailer and was heading home which was still a 2 hour drive away.

We were in the same city as my nmom was and I had told her that we would try to stop by some time after the lessons, but I did not expect that it would run 4 hours long. I called her up and asked her if she still wanted us to stop by, since it was so late, and she said that she did. My youngest son had stayed with my parents back home and I was suppose to be home around 6pm that evening to pick him up. Well, it was already 6pm when we left the dirt back track.

We were headed over to my nmom's house when my amom called and asked when we were heading home. I told her we had just left and was stopping for a bite to eat and then heading home.

We got to my nmom's house and visited for 2 hours. I did not know that my nsister's daughter was going to be there. But was glad to see her so that my oldest son could play with her and get to know her. My son knows who she is, but had forgotten her name. He has only seen her once before this time. My niece had forgotten my son's name so when she was in the computer room, she kept saying "Hey, come here." So my nmom yelled out "who are you talking to?" and she said "that boy." I laughed and said, "wow, they are cousins and don't know each other's name." And then it hit me.

I don't like being the "secret" child nor have I ever liked it. My nsister does not have anything to do with me and would prefer to have our mother not have anything to do with me. She really doesn't tolerate my visits and makes our mother feel really bad when I visit or want to do something with the family.

But this visit, I had my chance to say something. So I walked to the computer room and I looked at my niece and said, "Your cousin's name is xxxx."

She said "what?"

I said "Your cousin's name is xxxx."

She gave me the puzzled look and said "what?"

I know she heard what I said and I knew the question was meant for the word "cousin". She is 8, my son 10 and they know what "cousin" means.
I decided that it was time to ruffle some feathers with my nsister so I told my niece, "Ask your mom about him being your cousin. She'll tell you all about it." Then I turned and left the room.

I kinda enjoyed that because it is time for my nsister to acknowledge who I am. Unfortunately, an 8 year old had to be a part of that. My niece will be fine. Don't know if she asked anyone about my son being her cousin, but it made me feel a little better about being a part of the family.

I finally had to leave to go home and pick up my other son from my parents, knowing it was going to be late when we got home for a Saturday night. We were heading out and before I walked out the door, I hugged my nmom. Wow what a shock I got. She didn't hug me back. The reason? My niece was standing right there. It was like my nmom was saying "Oh, I can't show any emotion to my daughter because my granddaughter might ask questions and then I would have to hear about it from my other daughter."

We left and I called my amom and told her we were on our way. She asked why we were so late heading back and I told her we just were. Nope, didn't tell her that we stopped at nmom's house.

I can't really get upset with my nmom for not hugging me back and the reason she didn't because I couldn't tell my amom I stopped by to see nmom for a little bit because I didn't want to talk about my visit with my nmom to my amom. I know deep down she knew exactly why I was leaving for home so late, but neither one of us would acknowledge that the other knew.

My how "secrets" still continue after 40 years.

Special. I Really Hate That Word!

My parents told me that I was adopted when I was very young. Oh, probably around 4 or 5 years old. I then learned that "I was special because I was adopted". For a couple of years that was great, that I was special, but then special became a bad word.

I remember thinking "Oh yeah, I am so special that my own mother who gave birth to me didn't want me. I was so special that I could never see my mother ever again in my life and I should get over what was in my heart for her."

SPECIAL! Yep, what a word.

I remember when I was in elementary school, my schoolmates would make fun of me because I was adopted and special. "You are so special because you were not wanted by anyone and your parents got you because no one else wanted you." Wow! what kids say. I did finally get over the pain and hurt that caused, but still today I hate the word special.

Life Is Too Short

If something happened to my nmom and she was no longer living, I would really regret the amount of time I spent in my life thinking I did not need her in my life. It has taken me way too long to look deep down in my heart and know that I have needed her in my life to make me complete. I spent too much time fighting the thoughts and feelings that she is really my mother.

I am happy to say that we have been in a relationship longer now than we ever have been. This makes me happy, but I know that our relationship could be much better than it is right now. I would like for it to be much better and I know she would to, but for reasons that she has, we are not there yet.

My friend and I were talking yesterday and she told me that since reading my blog, she has thought about her father and their relationship. He has been gone since she was very, very young and at one time a few years ago, he wanted to be back in her life. She resisted and told him that she did not want him in her life and they did not ever talk after that. This past week she received a call that he had passed away and now she wonders if she should have talked with him and gotten to know him.

I know that I am not guaranteed to be here tomorrow and I take life for granted. In the day to day things that go on, I don’t usually think about that my children might not see me tomorrow or that I might not see them tomorrow. I take it for granted most of the time.

I struggle with my relationship with my nmom daily because I know I am not guaranteed anything in this relationship. I know that if something happened to her and she wouldn’t be alive anymore, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t be able to have the relationship with her that I have longed for ALL my life. So for this reason, I have a hard time with people telling me “give it time. Eventually she will come around.” They can’t even guarantee that we have tomorrow.

So for those of you who are questioning your relationship with your nmother, nfather, daughter, son, or nfamily and just can’t seem to get past that one little thing or that one big thing or those lot of things, think about, is it worth not having the relationship just because of these things? Do we have to wait until something bad happens to one of us, to finally have our relationships with the people we love? Our life is too short for allowing adoption issues and what everyone else thinks about our reunion to come between us. I just hope that my nmom is not 90 and me 72 before we have a good relationship.

You Gotta Laugh At This

I got this email and just had to share it with everyone.


Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos-- MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, crap.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Throwing In The Towel

I am sure that no one else in reunion has ever thought about throwing in the towel and giving up on their relationship with their reunited child. Right? I would consider myself an expert at throwing in the towel with my reunited mother. I really could not count on both of my hands how many times I have done this in the last 18 years.

In the last few months, there has been so, so many times that I was swinging that towel over my head and ready to release it and walk away. Yep, that’s it. I am done with this thing called reunited mother relationship. I have really had it.

If it wasn’t for my strong will to make it through this time and make it over that bump in the road (really I think it is a wall), I would have said “Adios” awhile back. Plus the fact that my brother just laughs at me and says, “she’s your Mom” and then I say back to him “nope, she’s your Mom” and then he tells me to hang in there, it will get better.

Are you kidding me? Get better? Get better means that Mom and I are communicating. That we are talking together. That I can call her without the butterflies in my stomach going crazy thinking that she doesn’t want to talk with me. That having lunch together is no big deal. That having a weekend visiting is great and wonderful and we learn more and more about each other.

I recently asked Mom to go on vacation with me; just her and I. I am turning 40 in the next few months and want to have fun on my birthday and go on a cruise. She told me that she would like to go and give her a few days to think about it. A few days later, we talk and she can’t go and can’t explain why. Oh I know why, her other daughter, my sister, would throw a fit. So Mom keeps the other daughter happy and feeling like she is number uno, while I am over here with my mouth wide-opened not believing that we can never take a vacation together. Oh I feel that towel swinging over my head.

She also told me that right now she can’t afford to pay for her portion of the cruise. I said don’t worry, I have already taken care of payment and it was a birthday present to me from me. Apparently I broke one of the rules of reunited relationships.

Thou shalt not pay for eating out, gifts, or give money to reunited mother!

You have got to be kidding!!! Who wrote this rule? Not an adoptee, that is for sure.

So, someone needs to write a rule book. Call it “Mother To Adopted Child: Things You Should Never Do”

Now that I got that out of my system, here is how I really feel.

I can’t believe my mother can not stand up to my sister. My sister is not going to leave her if Mom stands up to her. It is easier to hurt me, than to stand up to the daughter she raised. I can’t believe that Mom still hides behind her feelings that she has for me. Instead of doing things that she wants to do with me, she pulls away so that she doesn’t have to cross the bump in the road and have to deal with our relationship. Will this pushing away ever end? Will we ever get over the bump in the road that we always come to at some point in time in our relationship? Will the day come that I have had enough of this hurting and throw in the towel again?

Reunion Part III

I moved back to the states finally and did not contact my nmom until 7 months later. I went to visit her at her home and ended up staying in her town for several weeks. I wanted to know how it would be to live in the same town with her and know her. That was very trying on our relationship because I wanted an instant relationship and she closed up. Her closing up hurt me very much and came out as anger toward her. I eventually took a job in a town that her mother lived at and was about 90 miles from where she lived. Her mother, my grandmother, was a very nice lady.

I didn't have a place to live when I moved so I ended up staying at my natural grandmother's house for a month until I found a house. I really enjoyed staying there and getting to know her. She was very nice to me and very polite. After I moved out of her house, we would continue to see each other on a regular basis.

I ended up falling in love with this guy and all of a sudden it was not important to have a relationship with my nmom anymore. I don't know if it was because I put everything I had into my relationship with this guy or that we just quit talking. I kept in touch with my ngrandmother and I guess my nmom would talk with her and keep up with what was going on in my life.

I ended up marrying the guy. There are some things I regret about my wedding. A few of them are: That I had one, marrying the guy, and not inviting anyone in my natural family to my wedding. We ended up having our first son a year later and then moved to a different city. My husband was totally against me talking with my nmom. I have met other adoptees and they have said the same thing. Gosh, what is that all about? So needless to say, I did not pursue a relationship with my nmom while I was married. I did keep my relationship with my half-brother and he ended up living with me and my husband for a little while. I really, really enjoyed that.

My nmom moved to the same metroplex city that we lived but she was still 30-45 minutes away. One day she came over with my half-brother to visit with us. That was the only time she had met my son and that was the only time we saw each other while we lived there. I think we talked on the phone maybe a couple of times, but no relationship building was going on.

I ended up having my 2nd son, moved to the city where I am now and ended my marriage a year later for reason that I would rather not say at this time.

In the last few years, I have been a single parent to my 2 boys and work full-time. I have called my nmom a couple of times in the last few years to update on addresses. One day my brother called me to tell me that our grandmother had passed away and her funeral was the next day. I wanted to go to her funeral because I hadn't seen her in about a year. It turns out that she had cancer and when they found it her passed away 3 months later. I ended up not being able to go and regret that decision. Later I called my nmom and asked her why she hadn't called or even why didn't she call me months ago when she was sick. She has since regretted that decision also.

I did fail to mention in my Reunion Posts that every birthday that I have had, I have received a birthday card from her since we reunited. I really appreciated the cards and am glad she would remember my birthday every year. But, I would have to say if she would have called just to say "Happy Birthday" that would have been better.

I am having a little bit of a hard time turning 40 on my next birthday. I am really going through the "mid-life crisis" stage bad. I look back on my life and if you would have asked me what would I be doing at 40, I would have told you something totally different than what I am doing now.

Last summer, my mind started telling me to call my nmom and that it was time for me to catch her up on what was going on in my life. So I called her in August and asked if I could come visit for Labor Day weekend. When I drove to her house and got out of the car, I hate to admit it, but I said "Crap, this wasn't a good idea!" We ended up having a good weekend together and I stayed over an extra day.

I ended up visiting with her too much and asking too many questions. Instead of us talking through things, we would hold it in and it would come out totally the wrong way. One day, I was in an airport flying to Washington DC for a week trip for my job, and the TSA agents took most of my make-up from my bag and throwing it away. What made me so mad was that I have been through many airports with that same make-up and it past the 3-4oz rule, but with this airport, the TSA people wanted to throw it away. I was so mad. My anger with the TSA agents all of sudden merged with the feelings I was having with my reunion with my nmom. Don't know how that happened, but it did. So I called my nmom and told her that I was so mad and what had happened with the TSA and that I just wished all this tension that I feel with our relationship would be over with.

I thought I was the only one having tension about our relationship. Nope, apparently she was too and she decided to voice her tension. Let's see it went kinda like this: "That's it. I do not want a relationship with you. Blood means nothing. You are not my daughter. I am not your mother. And my other daughter has nothing to do with me saying this. I want you out of my life." Then I said, "Ok, when you change your mind, call me." Yep, that was it. It would have felt better if she would have hit me in the head with a hammer. And then that followed a week later with a "get out of my life and have a good life" email because apparently the phone call wasn't good enough. Hit me anywhere, but in my heart. But the part that got me the most was when she wrote in the email "I want my life back the way it was." Wow, so her life had changed as much as mine in the last coupld of months? So we are in the same boat without knowing we were in that same boat.

Good news is that we are talking and seeing each other again, but it took some "growing up" for me to get there. I realized that I couldn't keep beating her up over giving me up or anything in the past. I realized that going slow in a relationship will be a good thing and help make the relationship grow.

Thanksgiving this past year was the worst because all this turmoil and Christmas, well, I was so glad when it was over. I didn't get to be with my nmom on either of them. I hope 2008 will be a good year!

Reunion Part II

After Thanksgiving holidays, I don't remember much about our reunion. I know that we called a few times and wrote letters. NMom has kept every letter I wrote to her, but she won't let me see them. About 4 months into the relationship, I received one of her letters. I really hate to admit this, but I steamed opened the letter, read it, re-sealed it, took it back to the post office, and had them stamp on it "Return to sender. Forwarding address unknown." That was the only way I knew that I could get out of the relationship. She never called me after that. I wanted out of the relationship because she had answered my questions that I needed answered and I didn't need another mother at that time. I already had one and I didn't need her either. It seemed we had nothing in common. I wanted to meet her to get my questions answered and see what she looked like, but never, ever thought of having a relationship with her. It was like meeting my best friend's mom; I have a relationship with my best friend, but not her mom.

A couple of months later, my birthday came up and she sent my friend, the adoption counselor, a letter and a birthday card. She told him that it was very important that I get the birthday card and if he would deliver it to me. She didn't know where I was. My friend told her that I had talked with him and that I wanted no further contact with her. She left me alone and did not try to contact me.

Three years later, I called her out of the blue. She still had the same phone number. There was no reason for me to call her except for me to tell her I was still alive. I had graduated from college and had a job in a big city and was living on my own. We talked for about 3 hours on the phone that night. I ended up calling her a few nights of the week and talking about anything and everything. I really wished I could remember what we talked about, because I am sure she told me all about her life, her likes, her dislikes, and everything about her. So much has happened in my life, that I just can not remember anything we talked about. Her son, my half-brother, wanted to meet me and came to visit me often. We hit it off at the very beginning. The next few months, I went to her house to visit and meet my half-sister who didn't want anything to do with me. I even somehow ended up with my nmom at a family reunion. That was hard. That was the first of many "looks".

When people find out you were adopted or you were the one put up for adoption, they give you the "once over" look. They would look at me and I could tell that they were comparing me with her. The "I don't look anything like her", "I don't look anything like anyone in the family", "so this is the baby that she gave up", "what does she want with the family" looks.

She also came to visit me at my home. I felt more comfortable in that visit than I had any other visit with her. It was on my turf. We ended up just renting a movie one night and stayed at my home and watched it. It was Tombstone. I had a 13" color TV and it was difficult to watch it. It is funny I don't remember much of our relationship from the first stages, but I remember the movie we sat and watched. I remember that I had to rent the movie again later, because I didn't pay much attention to the movie when we were watching it. I felt so good that my nmom was with me in my living room and all was good.

But again, some things good do come to an end. I became a road warrior for my job (I lived on a plane going from city to city). It was hard to keep in touch with letters and phone calls when I wasn't in one place very long. I traveled for about a year for that company. I ended up living in Milan, Italy for 4 months. So our relationship just stopped.

I do have to say, my nmom never pushed our relationship except for at the first of the relationship. That was a good thing AND it was a bad thing. A bad thing because I felt like it was all up to me to keep the relationship going. She never really ever called me. She only came to see me one time. I felt like I wanted a relationship, but she didn't. It seemed that she was only in the relationship out of guilt. As long as I called and kept up the contact, she was in the relationship. The moment I quit calling or writing, she didn't take initiative to call or write.

But that is the way it has always been in our relationship.

Reunion Part I

When I turned 18, I was still a senior in high school. I figured I could finally call the adoption agency and find my nmom. But in the state I lived in, you must be 21 to search or your adoptive parents had to consent to the search. I asked my parents if they would sign the consent form and they said they would, but I am pretty independent and I wanted to do this alone. Just for me. I didn't want my parents to make the rules on my relationship with my nmom if I found her. I didn't want to have to talk to them about my feelings. I didn't want to hurt their feelings. So I decided to wait until I turned 21.

After high school graduation, I went to my first university and then after my first year, I transferred to my second university in another city. My second university was in the same city that I was born in and where I was adopted from. I ended up meeting with a counselor at my adoption agency and became friends with him. We talked for 2 years about searching for my nmom. But I wanted to wait until I was 21 to search. My adoptive parents did not know I was still pursuing my search. I chose to not tell them anything about it. When I finally turned 21, I went to the counselor's office and said "today's the day" which meant open up my records and try to find her and call her.

He would ask me if I had any concerns about finding her. Well, of course I had concerns. What if they couldn't find her? What if she didn't tell her family about me? Would I be disrupting her life? What if I didn't like her? What if she didn't like me? What if she didn't want to meet me or see me? What if I didn't meet up to her standards? What if I didn't look nothing like her?

I would end up leaving from our talk saying "today is not the day. Maybe next time." I would spend the next 8 months having the same conversation, until I finally decided that "today's the day". He spent one hour making 2 phone calls and talked to her on the phone. He asked if she wouldn't mind coming to where I was living and meeting me in his office. She only lived 1 1/2 hours away and she agreed. I had a few days to prepare my questions and not go crazy.

My friend asked her to come an hour earlier so that he could talk to her alone without me being there. He wanted to make her comfortable in talking with him and to make sure she would be ok when she saw me. I didn't know he did this. He told me months later that he had done this because some mothers that he had done reunions with would bring teddy bears and baby stuff because that is the last time they saw their baby. So he wanted to make sure that none of that would happen with me.

You would think that I would remember the whole 3 hours of talking to her, but I really don't remember much. I do remember that I was so surprised when I saw her and we were the same height, but that was it. We look nothing alike. I asked her what happened and why. It turns out that my search forced her to tell her other 2 children about me. Her husband knew of me, but my half sister and half brother did not know me. My sister was very upset about it and my brother asked "when can I meet her". She asked me to come to her house for Thanksgiving because it was the next day. I told her I would think about it. Turns out that she lives in the same town that I went to my first university. Her hometown was 30 minutes from my hometown. Her mother worked at a store that my family frequently visited all my life. She was really interested in me and my life. It made me feel really good that she wanted to know about me. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses and I had to leave for the last class of the day.

I went home for the Thanksgiving holiday and was very quiet. It was very hard for me to not tell my parents that I had just talked and seen my "real" mother. I didn't want to have to deal with all the questions and the looks. Oh the looks. "Well, is she going to leave the family and go to her real family now", "does she like them better than us", "will they take advantage of our daughter", "is her real mom going to bug us all the time now"? I needed to process my experience with my nmom before I could even bother processing the adoptive family's concerns. I remember calling her with a long distance card so that my parents would not know that I called a long distance number. I called her that weekend just to ask how her Thanksgiving holidays were going.

I could not enjoy my holiday at all. I wanted to go see her and talk some more, but how in the world was I going to tell my parents that I am going to go visit her? So I stayed home with the adoptive family and my thoughts ran wild and I had no one that I could talk to.

I Finally Get It

I do have to finally say that I really get what all the natural moms went through after yesterday's post. And I would like to say that I am really and truely sorry for what ya'll went through all these years. Seriously, I am so, so sorry and my heart goes out to you!!!

I never really got it because I was into my own feelings about adoption and never really looked into what the nmoms went through and are still going through.

I am hoping to see my nmom this weekend and if I do, I am going to tell her that I am here for her and that I am so sorry for what she went through since she was forced to give me away.

Hugs for all nmoms!!!

I Am Just Floored!!

OH MY GOSH!! You have really got to be kidding. For some reason
today I happened upon
http://www.progressiveu.org/091610-musings-after-the-pumpkin-patch
and read the comments to this blog. (I hope FauxClaud doesn't
mind me putting this on my blog.) Even though the comments by a
young woman was aimed at natural mothers, I felt like I am
nothing. I was getting madder and madder as the comments kept
going and feeling worthless and a piece of property that someone
auctioned off. Like I do not exist.

Just so I can get my stress level back down to a little normal, I
have to say, I was robbed! When I was put up for adoption, I
wasn't given to a family that was very wealthy and had everything
and had a doctor in the family so I wouldn't have to pay for those
doctor visits now. Apparently the adoption agency social worker
did not really look at the "yearly income" line when I was placed.
Hey, I want my very wealthy family that my nmom was promised so I
wouldn't have to work right now and "Daddy" could pay for
everything, I could fly wherever I wanted, and do anything I
wanted to with my parent's money. Oh, I could hire that very good
looking handy man and just give him odd jobs so I could sit and
watch him and hold the ladder if he needed me to.

Ok, now that I have settled my stress down a little I can think
again.

(1) Since she had sex, she has to bear the consequences to her
actions.
(2) She couldn't afford you.
(3) She wasn't financially stable.
(4) At least she didn't go get an abortion.
(5) She wasn't responsible enough.
(6) She didn't want to be a burden to the state and receive
welfare.
(7) She didn't have a job.
(8) Someone else could provide you with a better life.

I can't believe people really believe "she will have a much better life". Well, I guess I can believe it because I did when I was a little kid.

These words are what was said to me during my life by others. Not
so much now, but growing up I heard them all the time. Even when
adoption was not even the topic of the subject. What I heard when
people said these words was:
(1) Your mom is the worst person in the world.
(2) She is the scum of the earth.
(3) She can't function in society.
(4) She is homeless and can't even take care of herself.
(5) She is very physically abusive to people.
(6) She is a crazy woman.

It just kills me that we are talking about people here not animals
or things; people. And then other people just thought that sex
was so wrong back then, and being the biggest sin, that the moms
rights were immediately taken away. No one thought of the child
and the consequences of placing that child up for adoption would
bring to the child. Even though, people said it was the best
thing for the child, NO ONE really thought of the child. I am
really shocked that people didn't make the moms go have abortions.
But that would lead to killing and killing is in the 10
commandments, but taking a child away from their mother is not in
the 10 commandments.

Even though I have finally made peace with my thinking and my
adoption and am finally having a relationship with my nmom and her
family, some days I still get floored about what my nmom or other
nmoms went through all these years.

I now know why my nmom will not talk about me or adoption with
anyone else. Wow, I have to sit on that one for awhile. Wow!

Blame the Moms

The comment was: And who's to blame? The Moms. Always the moms!

I don't think I will ever forget that comment that was made in a chat room I was in awhile back. In fact, I chuckled. Because it is so true. The Moms always have gotten blamed for adoption.

The adoption agency blamed the moms, the adoptive parents blamed the moms, the adoptee blamed the moms, and the moms blamed the adoption agency and their parents or relatives.

Ok so now that everyone knows who blames who, now what?

I could blame my mother and father for hooking up together and creating a female baby that had no chance of being over 5' tall. Come on! When not so tall people have a baby, the baby is not going to grow up very tall. Everyone knows that! But thank goodness they did because I love my height and it has worked very well for me.

I could blame my mother for not allowing my half brother and me to grow up together. Man, we would have had a blast growing up together. We would have drove our mother crazy, because we do now, but we would have had some fun.

Wait a minute, I could blame my adoptive parents for not finding my mother when I was 16 when they went to the adoption agency to inquire about her whereabouts. No, I could blame the adoption agency for talking them out of it.

I could blame my mother's husband for not supporting her when she needed it during her life and when we were reunited.

I could blame the nurses at the hospital where I was born for not allowing me to stay with my mother the whole time that we were there. Because maybe that one more second with her would have convinced her to change her mind.

I could blame God because I am definitely sure he had something to do with all this.

I could blame myself for not being mature enough at the age of 21 to be able to have a loving relationship toward my mother when I reunited with her.

And I could go on and on and on.

But, if I keep going on and on and on, I will have no future and will be stuck in the past forever.

So here's to BLAME! You are out the door and into the trash. Outta here. See ya. Don't come around here. Don't want 'cha, don't need 'cha! You can go to you know where for all I care.

And here's to a future with my whole family! Cheers!

Birth Certificate

I recently requested my original birth certificate and received it a couple of weeks ago. My mother did not give me a first or middle name, but did give me her last name. She didn't put my father's name on it, even though she knew who he was. I haven't told her yet that I have it and not sure when or if I will.

What I noticed about my certificate was that it had "How many OTHER children are now living?" as zero which would be the truth. But then I thought, what would my sister's and brother's birth certificate say in that box. Well....today I called the county where my brother was born and asked them to look up his birth certificate up for me just to tell me what the number in the box was. Thank goodness for nice people who will look for information for you. The number should have been 2. One for me and one for my sister since he was the third child born to our mother.

At this point in time, if you can't handle an adoptee being upset, you better close your browser now.

The number was 1. Yeah, that's right. ONE.

Ok, I get the part where BSE mothers didn't have a choice about giving up their children. But 5 years later when she had my brother, she still chose to pretend that I didn't exist. This was all her choice, not the systems, nor parents, nor anyone else. Not even her husband, because he knew about it. Her choice.

I see many posts and message boards where BSE mothers wonder why their daughter/son is so angry or hurt. It seems to me when my mother had a choice, she still chose to keep the secret and lies going.

When does "we didn't have a choice" stop? Never? After a reunion? After our mom's pass away? When?

Brief History

At age 18 you are at a legal age to drink in some states, vote, get a job, make important decisions in your life, and other adult things. But in the 80s (don't know about now) you could not search for your natural parents until you turned 21, unless you had your adoptive parents permission.

So after I turned 21 1/2 years old, I met my mom at the same adoption agency that she placed me at. We met in person for about 3 hours. It was the day before Thanksgiving Day. In that 3 hours, we found out that I grew up really close to where she lived. She invited me over for Thanksgiving and I declined. I had just met the mother that I had wondered about since I was 6 years old. I had a lot of processing to do.

That Thanksgiving year was the next to the worst Thanksgiving holiday I had ever had in my life. (I hate to say it, but this year was the worst!) It was very hard for me to have a good Thanksgiving that year, because I had chosen to not tell my adoptive parents that I had met my mother face to face. I didn't tell them for a year and a half later. After Thanksgiving, my mother and I wrote back and forth. I sure wished we would have had email back in those days. But no, we had to wait for the postman to arrive and made a few phone calls.

A few months after we wrote back and forth, I couldn't put what I was feeling about my mother together and it was stressing out my life, so I chose to severe our relationship. She didn't try to correspond with me after that.

Finally, 3 years later, I picked up phone and called her. We talked for hours on the phone for a few nights a week. This ended a month later and I quit calling and she didn't call me.

Years had past and I would pick up the phone and call every now and then just to say "hey" and catch up on our lives. In the mid-90s, I finally went to visit her at her house and met my sister and brother. They are 4 and 5 years younger than me. My sister and I, well let's put it this way, we still don't talk and it is not because of me. My brother and I have been in contact ever since and we are really, really close. We are just alike and enjoy being together.

For the next 10 years, my nmom and I would talk on the phone every year and a half and see each other about every 3 years. My brother and I would talk and see each other a lot, so I would keep up what was going on in the family through him.

This past September, I drove to her house, on a weekend, and spent some time with her. We started talking on the phone a couple of times a week and I started spending time with her on most weekends. I took my children one weekend to introduce them to her. In November, she couldn't handle the relationship that we were developing and told me that she was severing the relationship and hoped that I would have a good life.

Since then I have backed off and am starting to try to develop a relationship with her very slowly and at the same time trying to deal with my feelings that I have had all my life. I know she really didn't mean the things she has said to me about severing the relationship, because I have said the same in the past. So far now, it taking it slow and trying to heal.

My First

Well, I finally decided to make my own blog. After spending the last 2 months reading about adoption in other people's blogs, I decided to make my own. For now, it will just be a blah blog with no fancy stuff, but give me time and I will fix it up.

I finally decided to have this blog because I had been reading other mothers that have put thier children up for adoption blogs and how frustrating it has become when things become "static". Static in the sense that everything in adoption stays the same. Our relationships with our moms, sons, daughters, adoption agencies, friends, and family. It seems that I don't see much writings on relationships that are growing day by day or week by week.

So, I created this blog just to get some help.

I met my mother years ago and was so anger (another blog some day maybe) about adoption and how I felt about her, that I could not ever keep a relationship with her. I would call every year or so and speak about 5 minutes on the phone and then see her maybe every 5 years for lunch. There were a couple of times that I did have her in my life for more than 1 day. Those couple of times I spent about 3 weeks with her and then we ended up not talking too much after that.

In 2007, I re-evaluted my life and decided that I needed to work on things in my life that were not the way I wanted them to go. I changed jobs and now I LOVE my new job and what I do. I quit working after hours to spend more time with my boys and their activities. And in the fall, I went to visit my mother and spend time with her. The first couple of months were spent with me doing the same stuff that I had always done with her in the past. Asking adoption questions about how, when, where, why to her and her not answering. Finally she asked me to not see her anymore and I was hit in the heart.

I know, I know she didn't mean what she said to me, so I have been going really slow in developing a relationship with her and it is getting a little better.

Here's is what I need your help with. I want to get to know her better. I want to ask her questions about her. For all you mothers out there who gave up your children for adoption, what question would you like your son/daughter to ask you? What question could us adoptees ask you that would help our relationships with you and that are not stressful questions?