The Way I Talk to My Mothers

I had just got off the phone with my amother, when my cube-mate at work turned around and said, "I always know which mother you are speaking with when you are on the phone." I just laughed about it.


But then later I started thinking. Do I really talk differently to them?

After thinking about it more, I finally admitted to it. I do talk to them differently. Since my nmother and I started seeing each other again, my relationship with my amother has changed. I didn't really mean for it to change. It just did. I think it started changing when my amother started to question every little thing I did in my life. "Why are you going to go back to that city again? When are you going to stay home? When are you going to spend more time with your kids?" It just seemed I couldn't do anything right for a year after my reunion started back up. It seems that way now.

When I talk with my amother, I allow the little things that she says or does bother me. But before I got back into reunion, she didn't say or act the way she does now.

With my nmother, I talked to her more like she is a good friend. Even though she says stuff that bothers me, I let it go. She usually gets a look from me, but I get over it most of the time quickly. She doesn't question everything I do in life. But she doesn't act like she is my mother either. When I do talk with her on the phone, my friends think that it is a friend until I tell them that it is my nmother.

I think I still walk on eggshells when it comes to my nmother. I don't try to rock the boat, because our relationship might not always be there. Seriously! I even write posts that say I know she will always be there and will not walk out on this relationship. I still believe that.

***Yes, I know I have contradicted myself.***

I know that my nmother wants a relationship with me. In fact, I know she wants this more than she ever has because of the last few weeks.

But, she allows other people to make her decision for her about being in my life. My sister and I are finally talking and getting along, but my sister could possible just lose it one day and tell her mother, "it is me or her. Choose." And of course, my nmother would choose the daughter she raised. No, it wouldn't be fair to me, but that is the way my sister runs things. My nmother won't stand up for herself. And of course, all natural mothers would say this started when my nmother got pregnant with me and had no support in raising me.

So I live with this. I have 2 mothers that I speak to differently. One I treat as my mother and one I treat as a good friend (almost my mother).

MY PLACE

Ever since my sister came to visit me last weekend, my nmother has changed her behavior towards me drastically. Before last weekend, she didn't talk to me as cheerful as she has in the last few days.

It seems to me that my sister has all the control over our relationship. As long as she accepts me in the family, then our mother is able to express her feelings toward me. But what happens when one day my sister decides she doesn't want me in the family? The answer? I get dumped.

I have also been thinking about my relationship with my nmother more this week than ever. When we first met, when I was 21, I had no clue where MY PLACE was in my nmother's life. Well, actually I did. My place was the person she gave birth to and that was not my family. I had grown up all these years knowing my place.

Then when I was 26, I had a lot of vacation time, so I went to my nmother's house to visit. A few days later, I thought that maybe I had a different place in her life. So MY PLACE had changed to "I might just have another family". A few weeks later, MY PLACE changed back. We couldn't make our relationship work and we both gave up.

Years have gone by with me knowing exactly what my place was. I was always going to be my nmother's daughter that she gave up for adoption. The girl who has a different family and really doesn't fit into her natural family. The girl who comes around not very often. THAT WAS MY PLACE!

Now, I have no clue where MY PLACE is. It is not the girl who doesn't come around, who doesn't fit, whose mother gave her away. I really don't know where my place is and this really bothers me. I feel like I am in limbo. I don't think anyone can tell me where MY PLACE is except for my nmother and I don't feel comfortable right now in talking with her about it because things are going good. A little too good if you ask me.

It almost makes me want to pull back and take another look. Or just sit on the fence post for awhile. It seemed when I started to pray to God to bless my relationship with my nmother more than I could ever imagined, he got right on it.

My relationship with her has been so blessed and more than I could ever imagine, that I am overwhelmed. Until I know what my NEW PLACE is, I am not sure what to do. I only know what my old place was. That is what I am familiar with. That is what I grew up with. That is what I know!

Weekend Visit

For many years I thought that I wanted a mother/daughter relationship with my nmother. When we first met, I did not want this kind of relationship because it never occurred to me to have a relationship with her or that I even could have a relationship with her.

My only concern in life was to have a career. Life was ahead of me and my career was about to start. I was finally going to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t have time to think about adoption and its toll on my life.

When I was in my mid-twenties, it finally struck me that I had a bond with her. A bond that was deep down and crying to get out. I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. With no help, I tried to achieve that relationship, but it didn’t happen. I can finally say that both of us didn’t realize what each other felt nor did we communicate very well about it. We thought we were at the same understanding, but in fact, we were not. We were on a different plane, coming from different angles, because of the different adoption experiences that we had.

This past weekend almost nullifies my past experiences with adoption. My nmother, half-sister, and her husband came to spend the night at my house this weekend. I never thought that my half-sister, the one that hated me for so long, would ever set foot in my house.

They drove 2 hours to visit this past Saturday night. When they arrived, we met at Cracker Barrel for dinner. At one point in time, while sitting down and waiting on our food, my brother-n-law was talking on his cell phone. Apparently, the other person asked him where he was. He said, “Sitting in Cracker Barrel with my wife’s sister.” You could hear a pin drop in the gift shop area. I don’t think I could talk for at least 5 minutes after this. I don’t think my sister could speak for longer than that. He actually said "sister" out loud. He actually accepts that we are sisters, but she is still not quite there yet.

Even though it wasn’t an exhaustive weekend or visit, I am very emotionally drained. I never dreamed that my sister would spend the night at my house. We talked, laughed and carried on like we were sisters. I think this has changed my relationship with my nmother also. She sees that mine and my sister's attitude about each other is changing. Even her behavior with me is changing.