It wasn't important for me to have a relationship with my mother after we had reunited when I was 21, fall semester of college, and suppose to graduate the next spring semester. She had become an acquaintance to me and I wasn't expecting contact with her. I really thought she would go back to her home and continue on her life without me. I expected my life to continue normally and I was about to graduate college and didn't have time for much life changing plans.
A week later I received a letter written from her. I replied a couple weeks later. She would continue to send letters to me and I would eventually respond. When the Christmas holidays came, I mailed her a letter telling her that I was going to my parent's for the holidays and ended up giving their phone number to her. On Christmas Day she called me at my parent's house. I took the phone and went to a bedroom and closed the door to talk to her. After we hung up, my parent's asked me who it was and I just said a friend from school. They did not know that I had found my mother and met her. It scared me half to death that my nmother called me at my parent's house and I lied to them about who was on the phone. I was bothered all day long with that phone call. I remember feeling that I had betrayed my parents since I did not tell them I found her. Then I felt all alone because I wanted to tell them and for them to be happy for me finding her and getting my questions answered. But I still could not tell them because I didn't know what their reaction was going to be.
I was still processing the fact that all my life people told me that my nmother did not want anything to do with me. And now she met me and is writing me and is showing interest in me. So conflicting thoughts were racing through my mind when I thought about my reunion. Since I wasn't talking with anyone about it, I was having to deal with everything alone. Add that to the fact of me still not wanting a relationship with her.
I can say that my last semester of college was not my best.
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2 comments:
That you were told and believed that your nmother wanted nothing to do with you likely had (and perhaps still has) a big effect on your relationship with her.
I know well the split that adoption causes. I know it from the nmom side and am trying to appreciate what it does to adopted persons.
It would be stupid to say that we're all in this together. But I hope you'll start to see that your nmom was as much a victim of the adoption industry as you are. Try to look at her as a person, realize the challenges she faces, even if she doesn't always meet your expectations.
I have no doubt that she is doing her best, That she is still there is huge.
This from a mother who can't do it anymore.
I'm very sad that everyone said your n-mother didn't want you. VERY, VERY FEW of us did not want our babies and it breaks my heart when I hear people say that now. And I believe that often makes it challenging to grow a relationship upon reunion.
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