I Am One Person

Ok, here is the deal why I haven't written in awhile. My nmother's office goes on a 4-day weekend trip every year. She asked me to go with her this year.

I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.

I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.

That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.

I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?

These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.

It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.

So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.


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Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.

It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.