Unfortunately, I am still stuck on what to call my mother. I have determined that calling her by her first name for me is being disrespectful to her. She means more to me than just calling her by her name. So if I won't call her by her name, then what else can I call her besides "Mom". Yeah, nothing. There is either call her by her name or "Mom". There is nothing in between.
This is driving me crazy though. I am even to the point of talking with my friends on the reason why I just can't seem to call her Mom when I am talking to her. I can call her Mom on this blog or even when I am talking about her to other people, but when it comes to calling her Mom "to her", well, I just can't seem to do it.
I even thought maybe if I would talk to her about it, she might have a suggestion or so. Yeah, that didn't work either. She even is getting frustrated with me talking to her about it. Her comment was, "I want you to call me Mom when you are comfortable. If you have a problem with it then just call me by my name."
"No, I really, really, really, really, really want to call you Mom but I just can't seem to do it. Ok, ok, here is the deal. If I call you Mom and you decide that you don't like me doing that and you change your mind, I can't go back. It would kill me. I have no guarantee right now that you won't change your mind or even stay in this relationship. I am sorry that I am so insecure about our relationship", I said.
And then she didn't say anything.
The next day, I spoke up again about it and said, "I really wished you would help me out with this."
"If I could, I would." She said. "If I could fix it I would. I don't even know where to start."
So I am out here in "what to do" land with no help.
Did I ever say how much I hate adoption!
We have had our ups and downs, our "in" the relationship and "out" of the relationship, but truth be told, we would rather be together than be apart.
The girls
About Me
- TheRightThing
- I am an adoptee that has been reunited for 20 years with my mother. Unfortunately, it took me 41 years to come to grips with being adopted and wanting to be a part of my natural family. I am hoping to allow myself to release the built up emotions that I carried through life and allow myself to have two families that I love very much.
4 comments:
Do you have any idea why you dont feel comfortable with it? Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? Or do you feel your first mom doesent deserve the title or the term of endearment? Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her?
As a mother, I can offer that I would likely say the same as your Mom has. It is up to you. I would not force the issue on my daughter and wouldnt care if she called me puddinhead. Long as she was around and part of my life, what she called me would not matter.
Good luck. Sounds challenging and conflicting for sure.
And yes, I hate adoption too.
Me too, hate it.
Since your mother is okay with either, it truly is your call. That she doesn't want to discuss it sounds right. She wants you to decide and be comfortable. Heckuva lot healthier than some step families I've met, where the new step-parent insists on the mom/dad title. You mentioned not being OK if you proceeded with calling her mom and then she took the option back. Sounds like fear of rejection/abandonment redux. If that's so, then I suggest holding off. No sense in adding more angst.
As someone once said to me, "don't push the river." Meaning just let go and see where it takes you.
I just found your blog, and I have to say that I feel the same exact way. I have such a hard time calling my nmother "mom". I do, but its so hard.
I have been reunited only since March, but I am having a hard time with it.
When I found your blog and read that you have been reunited for 18 years, with almost the same problems...I was very sad. I even posted about it on my blog. Does it ever get better? Ever?
Linda
homeschoolblogger.com/sillysiller
Linda, thanks for stopping by my blog. Does it ever get better? I can honestly say that in the 18 years that I have known my mother, it has gotten better. It has just taken me that long to handle the situation. I didn't know how to deal with having a relationship with my mother and deal with the feelings that came with that. I also thought that I would hurt my adoptive parents so much that I refused to have a relationship with my mother. I felt I couldn't love both at the same time.
But in the last year, I have realized what I want out of life and who I want in my life. I regret a lot of decisions that I have made with my relationship with my mother and have recently found out that she has also.
If both of you want the relationship, it gets easier. But reunion is just a difficult thing to do and it takes work just like any other relationship.
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