Checking In

It has been a long time since I blogged. There are several reasons why I quit. The main reason being that in July I got really sick and am now starting to get healthy again finally. Blogging or even checking on other blogs was not on the list of things that I felt like doing during this sickness.

The other reason is that my relationship with my natural mother will always be just the way it has always been for the last 20 years of my life. I will not be a part of her family. I will be that "thing" in the past that she wished she could erase.

I wouldn't call what we have a "relationship". She still calls about once a month, but the conversations last about 3 - 5 minutes. In fact, during my sickness, she didn't call to ask how I was doing. Of course, my parents called all the time and came to visit a lot.

How do I feel about this? I have pretty much come to terms about it. My life is back to normal after reuniting again with her 2 years ago. I have a great relationship with my parents again. I do wish that she could be a natural mother who wouldn't let her guilt or her other daughter make her decisions for her. She doesn't invite me to family gatherings because she doesn't want to upset her other daughter. This will never change.

Since I have a great relationship with my parents now, any time I mention them to her or say I did something with them, the conversations with her ends right then. Even in emails. If I say something about them, she won't send another email for a month. I am not sure why she has decided to get upset when I mention them, but my parents are the ones that took care of me and she has no right to dismiss them or get angry with me when I mention them. They are a part of my life just like she is a part of my life.

So, my so called relationship with her is just there. I don't call her because every time I used to call she would say, "what do you want." I don't worry any more if she is going to call because I allow her to run the relationship the way she wants to. She doesn't ask me to visit anymore. Haven't seen her since March. That's the way she wants it. So my life continues on.

Peace With Yourself

Been on vacation. Needed to catch up on some questions others have asked in some comments. So here they are.

In the post, "You Can't Change What Happened", birthmothertalks asked me if I was "basically saying that in order for birthmoms to have a relationship with their children they have to come to terms with their past choices."

I do believe that is what I am saying. I am not saying that coming to terms with the choices is admitting that you are the only party responsible for the choices that were made. I am saying that you need to come to terms with the fact that no one can go back to the past when we were born and change what happened. Stop yearning for your "baby" to be with you. In my case, I am all grown up now, had a good life, and don't really want to change what happened. (there are some stupid stuff I did as a kid that I would love to change, but that is another story).

I am also not saying that you have to "say that all is well and it's okay and that everything happened the way it did." This still goes back to, you can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Recently in the past several months, I finally came to terms with what happened. I can't change that I am adopted and in my case, do not want to change this fact. However, for a year and a half I did try to become this "non-adopted person" because I thought that everything wasn't okay and my attitude reflected that being put up for adoption was not good and not growing up with my natural mother was awful. But as I finally came to terms with the fact that I can't change what happened, peace finally set in. It is allowing me to know that I can have a future with my natural mother if I choose so. This choice is mine and can't be something that is pushed on me or used to make me feel guilty if I choose not to have a relationship with my natural family.

This peace doesn't mean that everything is great and wonderful and no problems happen. I don't know of any family that is great and wonderful and have no problems. It means that I am confident in who I am. It means that I can live life daily without having to wonder what my heart is feeling. I can live daily knowing where I stand in my relationship with my adoptive family and my natural family. I know that if my natural mother decides that I am a "little" part of her life, then that is HER choice and I can't change the way she feels. I can help her, if she ask, but she has to make her own choices just like I do mine.

I still think that if she would find that peace within herself, then the choices she makes about our relationship would settle down and make our relationship better. But she must find that peace herself. It can't come from someone else.

P.S. Cedar also asked me if she was willing to see someone or read books. I have asked and have even left the book at her house. She returned the book and told me she would not read it. She has also informed that she doesn't need a counselor or talk with someone.

You Can't Change What Happened

My last post had a comment that I thought needed to be answered.

I had said in my previous post:
"If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life…"

Anonymous said:
“Tell me how a mother, and she is your mother, has to come to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. So many adoptee's can't and don't understand that WE mothers didn't want to surrender our babies, there was no alternative, no help, anywhere.”

My natural mother had a secret for years. ME. Then 21 years later, after I was born, I forced that secret out. It wasn’t intentional and I never thought for one second that I was a secret from her family. I am still a secret at times. There are still times that she will not admit that she had a child when she was 17 years old.

My natural mother does need to come terms with the decisions that she has made. Whether that was her making the choice for giving me up or someone forcing her, she has to come to terms with that. I am not asking her to admit that it was “her” decision. I am saying that she needs to come to terms with the decisions.

For our relationship to be able to grow and not be held back over something that happened 41 years ago, she has to come to terms. Yes, she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me away. Yes, we reunited and it flopped big time. Yes, we found each other again. She can’t allow the past to mold our relationship anymore.

So, Anonymous, you asked me to tell you how a mother comes to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. If my natural mother asked me this, I would say to her:

“Admit to yourself that you are not perfect. Admit to yourself that you gave birth to me and you gave me up. If you had to do it all over again, you probably would not make the same decision, but back then, when you were 17 years old, you didn’t know any better. You didn’t know that years later, that decision would affect your life. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED. Admit to yourself that you make mistakes in your life or decisions in your life that you think you shouldn’t have made. Most of all, quit thinking that I was “that” child that you gave up. I am a person; not “that child” you gave away. You might not think of me as totally your daughter or that you have a right to be my mother and this thinking is what is allowing our relationship to not be able to be whole.

I don’t think how life could have been different if I wasn’t adopted. I don’t constantly think about adoption. I think about the present and the future and how I can make a difference in our relationship.

As long as you are constantly going over and over in your head about what happened, our relationship can’t grow. Come to terms with what happened and look to the future. Stop allowing the past to smother what the future holds.”

My Puzzle Is Complete

Growing up adopted, I always wondered what it would be like to be around my natural mother. The word "relationship" really never entered my mind until years later after we had reunited. My feelings have bounced all over the place in 41 years.

I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.

I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!

I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.

In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.

Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.

My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.

If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.

Accepting What Is Given

After thinking things through, I have finally put the pieces together on my relationship with my nmother. For the last year and a half my life changed drastically. I became someone else in my quest for seeking me it seems.

When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.

Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.

In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.

I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.

For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.

The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.

I Am One Person

Ok, here is the deal why I haven't written in awhile. My nmother's office goes on a 4-day weekend trip every year. She asked me to go with her this year.

I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.

I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.

That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.

I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?

These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.

It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.

So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.


**************************
Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.

It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.

What She Really Feels

One of my conversations I had with my nmother this weekend:

nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."

Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."

Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?

Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.

Analyzing Me

Most of you know that I contacted my nmother when I was 21 and did not have a good relationship with her until I was 39. A bachelors degree, marriage, children, career changes, divorce, and masters degree came and went on those 18 years of non-relationship with her.

Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.

I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.

When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.

I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.

During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)

So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.

But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.

My Birthday

I recently had a birthday and my afamily always gets together on family birthdays. We plan ahead, figure out when we are going to meet, and where the event will occur. This year my birthday fell on a weekday and during spring break. Therefore, we are going to get together on the weekend and eat together at a restaurant. We usually decide to have it on a weekend where the whole family can gather at my parent's house and spend the whole weekend together. That is what I am used to.

When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.

The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.

It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.

But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.

I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".

Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"

Papers

I wrote on this many months ago, but this still is bothering me today.

I have been granted all my nmother’s records from the adoption agency, but have not taken the offer yet. I still catch myself doing things in steps and when I am ready to have those records all to myself, I will get them. I have seen them and know what is there, but still not prepared to have them to myself.

What still bothers me:

“I understand that either way, once the Court terminates my parental rights, I have no further say concerning my child.”

This sentence was on the adoption contract that my nmother was forced to sign.

Did she really think she had no further say concerning me?

Did she just sign the paper knowing that was what she needed to do at the time?

Did she even read the papers?

What if she read the papers, did she think that maybe someday she might have a say concerning me?

This part gets me: The agency probably told her that I wasn’t her child, but in this statement, the agency admits that I was her child.

Joining Families

My nmother and I planned a day out on Valentine's Day and we went on a small trip that took all day. We ended up visiting several museums that were about an hour away from her house. My cousin, from my adoptive family, and a friend from my work went with us. My friend and I ended up in a different part of one of the museums, so my cousin and my nmother were together for an hour. They ended up going to a cafe there and talked until my friend and I showed up. It was good to hear that my nmother really likes my cousin and my cousin really likes my nmother.

My cousin and I are so much alike. We are the only ones with dark hair in the family. We are very, very similar and have done a lot together in our lives. My cousin is 11 years older than me and we used to joke, when I was little, that if she was just a little bit older she could have been my natural mother since we are so similar.

This is the first trip my nmother has taken with me and another family member of mine and a friend. She has met some of my friends, but has never spent in quality time with them. It made me feel a whole lot better that she got to know my cousin.

It seems that she is starting to become a part of my family and not just me becoming a part of her family.

This is really bringing us closer and closer in our relationship. She is starting to learn my family and see what kind of friends I hang out with. It seems that she knows more of my friends than my adoptive mother does. Every now and then, she will ask how one of my friends is doing if I have told her that they are having problems.

While I was visiting on that Valentine's weekend, one of my dear friend's daughter, 20 years old, attempted suicide by a self inflicted wound to her head. She is alive but in a coma. The doctors say she may survive. As of right now, she is fighting an infection. My nmother asks me every day how she is doing and what is her condition is even though she doesn't know either the mother or the daughter. This shows me how much my nmother wants to be in my life.

Wanting More, But What?

I wrote a month ago that my nmother has changed her attitude/behavior with me in the last month. With her change in behavior, which was a good thing, I didn't know what to do with this "new norm". I am not used to this. I am used to keeping her at a distance and making sure I am not going to get hurt too much.

But this "new norm" has made me want more. Even though I call her "Mom" (and that is not very often) I still don't feel it deep down. But I am starting to want more of a "Mom" relationship. I seem to catch myself remembering when I was very young and dreaming of her. Dreaming that we would just know things about each other without having to say them. Dreaming of the mother that had that mother/daughter connection. I find myself still reaching for that.

I want her to have that feeling that you get when you know you need to call a friend because you just "feel" that something is wrong. Or the feeling that you have when you look at someone and you know that something is wrong. She doesn't have that with me.

I could be at my lowest one day and be having a really bad day, she would never know it if I didn't call and tell her. If I was having issues with something and went to visit her, she doesn't see it in my face. I want that. I have that with my closest friends, but do not have it with her.

Now you can say, "but you don't see her all the time. It would be different if you lived in the same town and saw each other all the time." But I think mother's who give birth to their children have that feeling; have that connection. If you take the time to be silent in this busy world, I think you can have that connection. I have that connection with my kids.

At the end of our conversation, I finally told my nmother that she had changed her behavior with me the last month and it startled me a little. She said that usually when things are going really good with us, usually I start to get a little stirred and we end up having these conversations. I told her I feel like I am looking for something more, but not sure what. Not sure what I am reaching for. I am 100% sure that our relationship will always be there, but I am still searching.

Am I searching for the mother I pictured and dreamed about 30 years ago when I was young? If so, that person doesn't exist, so why would I search for that?

Conforming Relationships

I know a lot of adoptees and natural mothers who would trade places with me in a heart beat. People who want their relationship with their reunited mother/father or child to be like mine. Of course, my relationship just didn't happen over night or over a few months. It took 18 years to get where we are. I don't wish on anyone that their relationship would take that long.

We have been doing great with our relationship for a year now. Like I have recently said, it seems when my mother finally decided that she has 3 children instead of 2, 2 daughters instead of 1, our relationship has grown tremendously. I know deep down that she already knew this, but it seems when she finally allowed herself to believe it, show it, and say it out loud, she finally opened up and treats me like her own child.

For me there are still problems in our relationship. I don't think that all my problems with being adopted will ever go away, but I believe one day it will be very, very minimal.

Since we met, I have had to always conform to her family life style. Why is that? When talking with other adoptees, it seems we are the ones that have to conform to our natural mother's/father's family life style.

Is it because I finally found her and now I am suppose to be a part of her family? Why can't she be a part of my family?

She gets upset at me if I do something that she doesn't like and thinks it is wrong for me to do. But she never thinks that I do it because this is the way I was raised. This is the way I have always done it.

One weekend I went to visit her. My boys did not go with me because they had planned a trip with their father. I wanted to go visit my nmother and have some adult conversation for the weekend. (When you are a single mother with 2 boys, there is no adult conversation around the dinner table or anywhere.) My mother decided that her favorite granddaughter needed to come to her house for the weekend because the granddaughter is a single child and my nmother didn't want her at her house alone even though her mother, my sister, was at the house all day. I ended up saying until lunch on Saturday and then came home.

When I was brought up, when someone came to visit, it was special. No matter if they came the month before. It was still special. My brother and I could not go out with our friends on the weekend. We had to stay home and visit. So I was brought up that company is to be welcomed and your home and you are to spend time with them.

My nmother doesn't see it like this. She apparently was brought up that people didn't come visit. Her other two were raised that company came to visit a little and they were not expected to stay. If company came to visit, company would have to conform to their weekend plans.

So why is it that I have to always conform to her life style. I had to change my behavior and my life style so that we could have a relationship. She didn't do any changing. It seems if I am to be accepted, I have to blend into her family.

Relationships are suppose to be a 2-way street. I have yet to see that in any reunited relationship.

The Way I Talk to My Mothers

I had just got off the phone with my amother, when my cube-mate at work turned around and said, "I always know which mother you are speaking with when you are on the phone." I just laughed about it.


But then later I started thinking. Do I really talk differently to them?

After thinking about it more, I finally admitted to it. I do talk to them differently. Since my nmother and I started seeing each other again, my relationship with my amother has changed. I didn't really mean for it to change. It just did. I think it started changing when my amother started to question every little thing I did in my life. "Why are you going to go back to that city again? When are you going to stay home? When are you going to spend more time with your kids?" It just seemed I couldn't do anything right for a year after my reunion started back up. It seems that way now.

When I talk with my amother, I allow the little things that she says or does bother me. But before I got back into reunion, she didn't say or act the way she does now.

With my nmother, I talked to her more like she is a good friend. Even though she says stuff that bothers me, I let it go. She usually gets a look from me, but I get over it most of the time quickly. She doesn't question everything I do in life. But she doesn't act like she is my mother either. When I do talk with her on the phone, my friends think that it is a friend until I tell them that it is my nmother.

I think I still walk on eggshells when it comes to my nmother. I don't try to rock the boat, because our relationship might not always be there. Seriously! I even write posts that say I know she will always be there and will not walk out on this relationship. I still believe that.

***Yes, I know I have contradicted myself.***

I know that my nmother wants a relationship with me. In fact, I know she wants this more than she ever has because of the last few weeks.

But, she allows other people to make her decision for her about being in my life. My sister and I are finally talking and getting along, but my sister could possible just lose it one day and tell her mother, "it is me or her. Choose." And of course, my nmother would choose the daughter she raised. No, it wouldn't be fair to me, but that is the way my sister runs things. My nmother won't stand up for herself. And of course, all natural mothers would say this started when my nmother got pregnant with me and had no support in raising me.

So I live with this. I have 2 mothers that I speak to differently. One I treat as my mother and one I treat as a good friend (almost my mother).

MY PLACE

Ever since my sister came to visit me last weekend, my nmother has changed her behavior towards me drastically. Before last weekend, she didn't talk to me as cheerful as she has in the last few days.

It seems to me that my sister has all the control over our relationship. As long as she accepts me in the family, then our mother is able to express her feelings toward me. But what happens when one day my sister decides she doesn't want me in the family? The answer? I get dumped.

I have also been thinking about my relationship with my nmother more this week than ever. When we first met, when I was 21, I had no clue where MY PLACE was in my nmother's life. Well, actually I did. My place was the person she gave birth to and that was not my family. I had grown up all these years knowing my place.

Then when I was 26, I had a lot of vacation time, so I went to my nmother's house to visit. A few days later, I thought that maybe I had a different place in her life. So MY PLACE had changed to "I might just have another family". A few weeks later, MY PLACE changed back. We couldn't make our relationship work and we both gave up.

Years have gone by with me knowing exactly what my place was. I was always going to be my nmother's daughter that she gave up for adoption. The girl who has a different family and really doesn't fit into her natural family. The girl who comes around not very often. THAT WAS MY PLACE!

Now, I have no clue where MY PLACE is. It is not the girl who doesn't come around, who doesn't fit, whose mother gave her away. I really don't know where my place is and this really bothers me. I feel like I am in limbo. I don't think anyone can tell me where MY PLACE is except for my nmother and I don't feel comfortable right now in talking with her about it because things are going good. A little too good if you ask me.

It almost makes me want to pull back and take another look. Or just sit on the fence post for awhile. It seemed when I started to pray to God to bless my relationship with my nmother more than I could ever imagined, he got right on it.

My relationship with her has been so blessed and more than I could ever imagine, that I am overwhelmed. Until I know what my NEW PLACE is, I am not sure what to do. I only know what my old place was. That is what I am familiar with. That is what I grew up with. That is what I know!

Weekend Visit

For many years I thought that I wanted a mother/daughter relationship with my nmother. When we first met, I did not want this kind of relationship because it never occurred to me to have a relationship with her or that I even could have a relationship with her.

My only concern in life was to have a career. Life was ahead of me and my career was about to start. I was finally going to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t have time to think about adoption and its toll on my life.

When I was in my mid-twenties, it finally struck me that I had a bond with her. A bond that was deep down and crying to get out. I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. With no help, I tried to achieve that relationship, but it didn’t happen. I can finally say that both of us didn’t realize what each other felt nor did we communicate very well about it. We thought we were at the same understanding, but in fact, we were not. We were on a different plane, coming from different angles, because of the different adoption experiences that we had.

This past weekend almost nullifies my past experiences with adoption. My nmother, half-sister, and her husband came to spend the night at my house this weekend. I never thought that my half-sister, the one that hated me for so long, would ever set foot in my house.

They drove 2 hours to visit this past Saturday night. When they arrived, we met at Cracker Barrel for dinner. At one point in time, while sitting down and waiting on our food, my brother-n-law was talking on his cell phone. Apparently, the other person asked him where he was. He said, “Sitting in Cracker Barrel with my wife’s sister.” You could hear a pin drop in the gift shop area. I don’t think I could talk for at least 5 minutes after this. I don’t think my sister could speak for longer than that. He actually said "sister" out loud. He actually accepts that we are sisters, but she is still not quite there yet.

Even though it wasn’t an exhaustive weekend or visit, I am very emotionally drained. I never dreamed that my sister would spend the night at my house. We talked, laughed and carried on like we were sisters. I think this has changed my relationship with my nmother also. She sees that mine and my sister's attitude about each other is changing. Even her behavior with me is changing.