My Relationship Has Changed

A few months ago, I finally sat down and wrote my nmother a letter. This letter had all the questions that I wanted/needed to be answered. Thinking that if she would answer all of my questions, I could have some closure to some of my adoption issues. There were even paragraphs in the letter of some things I wanted her to know about me or things I went through as a child and adult. The letter ended up being 9 pages long.

After I wrote the letter, I felt relieved just to be able to write down what was in my head. A week after I wrote it, I had decided to not read the letter to her or send it to her.

A few weeks later, I sat down with my cousin and had a conversation with her. (For more details see: Room With Many Doors)

During that conversation, I decided that I was not going to ask my nmother anymore questions about the past until September 26, 2013. This is no particular date. I just picked a date that was 5 years from now. These questions were hindering my relationship with my nmother. Five years from now, if those questions are still important, then I will ask them then.

So that has been a few months ago. Wow! What a difference in my relationship it has made.

We have gotten so much closer. In fact, she is answering some of my questions without me even asking. She has started opening up and talking about what happened. She even is asking me questions about things that I never thought she would ask. I am not feeling the tension that was among us since I am not seeking a moment of her time to ask a question or trying to figure out how to ask a question without her getting upset about it.

I am finally settling down in our relationship which is great. I don't wonder anymore if tomorrow is the last day I will ever talk with her or if we will ever see each other again. I don't wonder if our relationship is still there when we haven't talked in a week. I know deep down that our relationship will be a mother/daughter relationship forever.

For those adoptees out there, young or older, if you have a relationship with your nmother and want to ask what happened in the past or talk about what happened with your nmother when you were born, may I suggest to you to write it down. Write exactly what you would say to her. Write all the questions you have ever had. But keep it tucked away. If you have a new question later, go back to your letter and write it down. BUT, do not send it or tell your nmother about it. Make a commitment to keep it tucked away for 5 years or whatever is a good number for you.

Also, don't ask your nmother or try to talk to her about the past. Just live in the moment.

Then in a couple of weeks or months, see how much your relationship with your nmother has changed. See how closer you can become with your nmother by doing this.



Sidenote: For those of you who keep up with my blog. Since this has happened, I now call her "Mom". She loves it.

19 Years of Being Reunited II

I don't remember much of the day that I met my nmother face to face, except for being nervous the night before and the day of. We set a 1 o'clock meeting at the adoption agency that I was adopted from. We were to meet in the office of the adoption counselor that had been meeting with me for the last few years and the one who found my nmother for me.

Unknown to me, he had asked her to meet with him an hour before we were to meet. He told me this a few months later. He said he wanted to prepare her to meet me. Since he had introduced a lot of other adoptees and their natural mother/father, he has seen a lot of meetings that went wrong as soon as the meeting started. He wanted to make sure that she understood that I was 21 years old and not a baby any more. He has seen some natural mothers/fathers come in with baby gifts for their relinquished children. He knew that would not work for me.

We talked for about 3 hours and then I left. I had given her my plans for Thanksgiving and she invited me to join her family for Thanksgiving. I declined since I hadn't told my parents about our visit. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses.

Our reunited life began after that. Past posts have explained what happened after our meeting if you are interested in reading them.

There are things that I would change if I had a magical genie who could turn back time.

I would have taken her up on her offer to join her family for Thanksgiving. I would have been able to meet my half siblings a lot sooner. I think that my half-sister and I would have a better relationship now if I would have done this.

I would have not told my parents about my reunion. Things have been said and feelings have been hurt because of this. But it would have been hard to keep it away from them.

I would have kept in better contact through the years instead of letting hurt and bitter feelings get in the way.

I would have gotten help to deal with the adoption feelings that I didn't know I had. That way the emotions I was going through all these years would not be toward my natural mother.

There are lots of things I would love to change in my life when it comes to my reunion but the most important one is: I would have gone into that first meeting thinking I would have a relationship with her for the rest of my life.

19 Years of Being Reunited

Nineteen years ago on Nov 22, a day before Thanksgiving, my nmother and I met for the first time. For years I wanted to meet her, but would not get to the actual point of contacting her. I wanted to meet her when I was 19 years old and by law I had to wait until I was 21 years old, unless I wanted my adoptive parents to "allow" me to meet her. Wanting to meet my nmother alone, I chose the "wait till I was 21" method.

For 2 years, I just waited until I turned 21. I knew that as soon as my birthday would come and the state law would not hold me back, I was going to see my nmother on my birthday. That is not actually what happened.

When I turned 21, I had the chance to search for her and find her, but I gave that up. Why? For several reasons.

(1) Back in the 1980s, people didn't talk about adoption like they do today. It wasn't something that you would bring up in conversations. If I did, then everyone would make me feel like I didn't belong to anyone. I would feel ashamed for being adopted. People, even older adults, would say things like "Oh I am sorry that your real mom didn't want you. You have such a better life now. Just think, you might be homeless now. You should feel really grateful that your parents wanted you and that they kept you. That is sad that your parents couldn't have kids of their own."

I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Homeless? My life would be homeless if I wasn't put up for adoption? Grateful? Does that mean I need to bow down at my parent's feet every time I see them?

I couldn't talk with anyone about reuniting with my mother because I didn't want to hear all these things.

(2) OMG! The "what-ifs"
What if:
* she is not alive?
* she doesn't want to meet me and has moved on?
* I don't like her and she won't leave me alone?
* she wants me to be her daughter?
* she wants to be my mother?
* I like her better than I do my adoptive parents?

(3) What if I like her better than I do my adoptive parents? I just felt that would be so wrong. I was suppose to be so grateful to my parents. They raised me. They gave me things. They wanted me. She didn't. And now I might want to replace them with her. I could not let this happen.

(4) What if she didn't like the person I had become? How could she love someone or even like someone that she doesn't know.

I played the reasons over and over my head for 8 more months before I got the courage to meet her.

I will never forget the 2 days before I met her. It was my senior year of college and I had classes Monday and Tuesday. I was to go home Tuesday after my last class. I called my mother and told her that I would come home later Wednesday afternoon. I wanted to stick around until then and do some stuff. I never told her what I did.

The person I had asked to contact my nmother was one of the social workers at the adoption home that I was placed at. Him and I had become very good friends through the years. He wanted the reunion more than I did. I went to see him that Monday and asked him to finally search for her. He made 2 phone calls, found her, talked to her, and they both agreed that they would ask me to meet. He called me back, told me he talked with her, and she wanted to meet as soon as possible. She lived 90 miles from me and would come any time. I told him that Wednesday would be the best day for me. He called her back and she agreed.

On Tuesday, I went back to his office and tried to cancel the appointment, but he wouldn't let me. How could I do this? All I could think about is that I was finally going to meet the only person I had ever wanted to meet and I have a chance to do that, but I was worried about what my parent's would think of me.

I know that never once, let me say that again, never once did I think I would have a relationship with my nmother. I thought we would meet, talk for an hour, she would answer all the questions I have ever had, we would catch up on the 21 years of my life, and I would be out of there in less than an hour or two at the most.

(to be continued...)

Holidays Can Be Tough

So much has happened in my life since I last wrote. As far as adoption goes, it has been rough. With the holidays coming up, I feel like I am being pulled many directions by many people.

As far as my aparents go, they are glad that I am spending time with them this Thanksgiving. I really believe that my amother is very happy that I am spending the whole Thanksgiving holiday with them. But at the same time, she is hurting inside for me. She is hurting because of the way my nmother is treating me right now.

You see, last year my nmother and I were on very rocky ground. I am not sure if you could even call it rocky ground. The Monday after Thanksgiving last year, my nmother pulled the ground out from under me. She sent me an email that said, "Months ago I thought we could build a great relationship, but now I know that I am not the person you want me to be." She ends up ending the email with "I don't want you in my life anymore. You will be happy with out me." And the real kicker was "you are a good mother." Uh, do what? I am a good mother? Compared to....? And she didn't even really know me.

But since then we have patched things up....so I thought.

Last year in December, her and her other daughter decided to go to a different state for Thanksgiving this year. So she invited my little brother and his family to go. Yep, the whole family is spending a week vacationing in another state. I wasn't invited. Not one word of the vacation was mentioned to me by my nmother. My brother told me as soon as he found out. In fact, my nmother didn't even call to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or nothing.

I am trying to not be hurt, but deep down it hurts. Even if she had asked me to go with them, I couldn't have gone. But my thoughts are I wished she would have just asked. It makes me think that this is her way of informing me that I am not totally family.

So my amother called me today and asked if my little brother had left to go up and be with my family. (My little brother had to stay at his home for the first 4 days because of his work. He flew to the other state this afternoon to be with everyone.) I told my amother that he was about to leave. Then she asked me if they were having fun where they were. I told her I didn't know and that I didn't even get a phone call before they left. I could tell she could hear the hurt in my voice and that my amother was hurting because of how my nmother was treating me.

Hallmark

I was cleaning my attic today and found a box of cards that I had kept for the last 25 years. I haven't seen this box for 7 years. I wanted to go through it just to see if I kept any of my birthday cards or any letters that my nmother had mailed to me when we first reunited.

In the past few months, I have looked through boxes to find that one thing or two that I might have kept since we first met 19 years ago. I hadn't found one thing until tonight.

As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, I did not keep my nmother's letters or cards because I wanted to keep our reunion a secret. I felt like I could not keep anything for fear that my amother would one day find them and be very disappointed in me or fear that it would hurt her feelings. I really wished now that I had kept everything.

I found a birthday card that she sent me years ago. Unfortunately, I did not write the date on the card, so I have no clue when she sent it, but it has to be at least 10 years old. I wanted everyone to know that years ago there was one birthday card that Hallmark created that was perfect for a natural mother to send to her reunited daughter.

Dear Daughter,

I just want to tell you I love you--

not for anything specific

that you've done,

not for any particular reason.

Just because I like what

you're doing with your life,

I like the person you've become

and I really enjoy the time

we spend together.

I'm proud to have a daughter like you

and grateful for

the closeness we share.

I'll always love the special person

you've grown up to be.

Hope you have a Wonderful Birthday!

No wonder I didn't throw it away. I was not threatened by this card. It pretty much says what I needed to hear and still need to hear.

One Family

This past weekend, all of my adoptive family spent the weekend at my parent's house. I have an older brother and an older sister. There is a total of 9 of us including the grandkids.

Every time my afamily gets together, we end up having more people join us. We ended up having 9 extra people (some kin; some not) join us on Saturday. We ate and visited while the kids played. That is what I remember growing up. When the whole family could get together we did. When someone came into town to visit, we ALL got together. All of us love family and friends!!

I am the only family member that does not live in the same city as my nmother does. I live a couple of hours from her. When I go visit my nmother, it is just me. No one gets together to visit. We don't go visit anyone except her father. Some visits I see my younger brother and some visits I see my younger sister. But we are never at the same house or same place. It is almost like NO ONE wants to be in the same house together.

This past weekend it dawned on me that my life with my afamily is SO, SO much different than my life with my nfamily. It feels like I live 2 different lives. Some days I just wished that I had 1 family.

The Room With Many Doors

A couple of weeks ago, I went to visit my mother for the weekend and of course I brought up questions and topics that she didn't want to discuss. At the end of our conversation, my mother asked me "why can't my love just be good enough? Why do I have to keep proving that I love you?"

I didn't say a thing after that. I knew she was right, so I dropped the topic.

My cousin came to visit me this last weekend and we ended up talking a little bit about my relationship with my mother. I told my cousin what my mother had told me and since I have had a couple of weeks to think about it, I said, "Yes I feel like she does have to prove her love. She hasn't been there for 39 years. Yes, I question her love every day."

I then told my cousin that I had to get over this for me to keep my relationship with my mother. I just can't continue to question her love or question whether she will be there in the future.
My cousin told me that when I talk with my mother about questions or adoption topics, I keep asking the same question over and over. (I beg to differ on this, but she continued to explain herself.) "You might think you are asking different questions, but really you are trying to get to the same answer each time. It is like you are trying to get in a circle room that has many doors on the outside of it. When you can't get through one, you move to another door. But, you are still trying to get into the same room."

It finally dawned on me that she is right. This past year, my mother keeps telling me that I keep talking about the same thing over and over and I keep telling her I don't. But after my cousin explained it, I do keep talking about the same thing over and over even though I use different words each time.

Then the conversation went on.

Me: "I keep feeling that I am looking for something and am not finding it. I keep pushing for something and it is not there. I have got to either get over it or find it because it is ruining my relationship with her."

My cousin: "I think deep down that you are looking for your natural mother to be like your adoptive mother. That you are trying to get the same feeling deep down that you have for your adoptive mother. Knowing you, no matter how hard you push for that it is not going to happen any time soon. It might happen 10 or 20 years from now, but right now you are trying to get to know one another."

All this time, I have been trying to figure out what was really bothering me deep down inside. There are a couple of things:

(1) It makes me feel very sad when I am around my natural family and they start talking about things they did in the past. Of course, I wasn't there, but if my mother would have made a different decision for me, I would be able to share memories with them. I have memories growing up as a child, but no one in my natural family want to hear about them.

(2) It makes me sad that for 19 years, my mother did not try to keep me in the family. She keeps telling me that she wanted it to be my decision to be in the family. At the same time, she never kept in contact with me.

(3) She is my mother, but deep, deep down, I do know she is, but I am having a hard time feeling it.

Past Memories

One of the issues that I am dealing with in adoption land right now is past memories.

When I get together with my adoptive family, we laugh about what happened in the past and talk about where we had vacations together or where we spent holidays together. But when it comes to my natural family, I don’t have that. My natural mother loves to travel. She would find a way to take her whole family on a vacation together. But I never was invited to go, so I don’t have any vacation memories with them.

Since I have spent all my adult life, minus this past year, away from my natural family, I have missed out on creating new memories with them. I know that in the future, probably, the memories will be created, but I didn’t realize all these years what my absence was really doing to me.

Oh Wow! “…what my absence was really doing to me” Hmmmm, I haven’t thought of it like that before.

I am now paying the price of being absent all these years. For the first 21 years of my life, I didn’t have a choice of being absent, but since the last 19 years, I have had the choice.

I have never realized that the choice of me being absent would affect my relationship with both families. On my adoptive family side, I am now sharing their time with another family. I would love to be in two places at once, but it can’t happen. On my natural family side, I do the same thing. I share my time, but at the same time, I am trying to create memories.

My half-brother and me are so much a like when it comes to fun and kidding around. My half-sister and me are so much a like when it comes to seriousness and taking care of business. It really hits me when my half-brother will talk of the things that our sister would do to him when they were in school years ago. I miss that. I really do. I want to be the one with him that laughs about what happened when I was in high school and he was in junior high. I want to have past memories!

How do you get over not having past memories? How do you deal with your natural family talking about past times and laughing about it and you just sit there not having a clue what they are talking about and wishing you would have been there?

My Birthday Cards

If you haven't read Firstmother Forum then pop on over there. They have interested things to say.

I ended up replying to Linda's post "Happy Birthday, Sarah". When I reunited with my mother at 21, it was 6 months before my 22nd birthday. We reunited one day before Thanksgiving and my birthday is in March. By the time, March came around, I had tried to cease the relationship. I quit responding to letters that she sent in the mail and I quit answering my phone (didn't have caller id back then). This didn't stop her from writing so I finally sent her letters back to her with a "No Forwarding Address" from the post office stamped on them.

But, by the time my birthday got here, she sent a birthday card to the adoption agency for me because she knew that the contact person there would get in touch with me. Of course he did and I said I am not interested and don't want the card.

The next 18 years, every now and then, my mother would send a birthday card. No Christmas cards or gifts, just birthday card. This is when my brother (her son) would tell her what my address was. I would get the cards in the mail, open them and read them. They were always cards that had "To my daughter".

I would just die. Daughter? I am not your daughter, I would think. But I would read them. It is funny now. Instead of just getting the card in the mail, never opening it, and throwing it in the trash, I would actually open it and read what she had to say. I have to admit. Deep down I was always glad that she would remember my birthday. But I felt like I couldn't keep the cards.

I couldn't keep them because I didn't want my parents, who frequently visited my house, to find out that she mailed me a card and it said "To My Daughter." I didn't need to have my adoptive mother get upset at my natural mother on MY birthday.

Also, most of the time, I didn't want my husband at the time to find out that she had sent me a card. He didn't care anything for her and it always stirred up problems between us. So I lived my little, or rather, huge secret of what little contact she had with me. She never knew if I received the cards.

Now that we are in a pretty good relationship, I wished that I would have kept all her cards. I wished she would have been able to send me a birthday card every year. But I can't take any of that back now.

So if you are contemplating whether or not to send a birthday card to your daughter/son, my opinion is go ahead because years later it just might matter. And if it doesn't matter years later, then you haven't lost a thing over it. Even though some of us adoptees make rules with our mothers, there are some that can be broken.

For those of you who want to go all out and send something, I would have to say stick with the card. That's it. Don't make a huge deal of it. Just something that says, "I am thinking of you on your day."

My Mother's Best Friend's Opinion

A couple of days ago, I emailed one of my mother's best friends. She works with this friend and we have known each other for 10 years. She was the one that talked with me when my half sister got married a couple of months ago.

I decided to email her knowing that my mother talks with her about mine and my mother's relationship.

My email to my mother's best friend:

My mother asked many months ago to call her "Mom" if I wanted to and I have really been considering it for awhile now, but can't seem to get there. One of those reasons is that I don't want to disrespect my half-sister. I feel that my half-sister will get very upset with this and get upset with me and our mother. The other is I am not sure how this is going to affect our relationship with each other.

Of all the people I could talk with, I think you are the one that would give it to me straight and might know the answer. If you don't mind me asking you, do you think this will help our relationship a lot if I finally choose to call her "Mom"?


Her answer:

I think it is great that your mother has come to that point where she wants you to call her Mom, and I'm not sure she would ask you to do something that she would think would upset your half-sister. But you have to understand that this is about you & your mother, not you & your half-sister. She's your Mom. I would not force this issue just because you or your mother say it is okay. The thing is Why cant you not get there? Is it you or is it your half-sister. Pray about that one?? I truly feel there will come a place & time when you will be comfortable enough to say the word "Mom" to your mother (Out Loud) and in your heart it will be because she is & not because of the aspirations you have for it to be.Sometimes it's just not good to force something that isn't natural just because. Maybe when you are ready you can say it on the phone in the shield of not being face to face there is more protection from the awkwardness of the first time. Just a thought!. But I still say, not until you are ready & can stop worrying about everyone else. NO! Don't go there, It is between you and your Mom!

There has been so much positive progress in your relationship with your new family. With each step or phase there is an awkwardness, a strained feeling.

Stop thinking to much & start loving & praying more. Love as God loves us, unconditional, no expectations of anything in return. Just the Joy of Love & it will fill you enough to take away the pain & the doubt.

SO! You ask and those are my thoughts. Take what you need, toss out the rest, & don't worry about it. All worry does is try to camouflage our joy. SO STOP!

Red Rover, Red Rover, I Need To Come Over

I was speaking with a couple of good friends the other day talking with them about my relationship with my mother. I have come to a cross roads again and am having to decided to either stay in the relationship or get out.

My relationship has really, really grown in the last year and I am to the point that I want more of a relationship than what I am giving, but I am not sure if I want to give more. Giving more means a chance at being hurt more. I realized that there is more to this than what I was willing to admit. I know that my natural mother is my mother by giving birth to me, but I am to the point where I want her to become one of my mothers.

Calling her "Mom" has really just got me stirred up. I still haven't called her that to her face. I call her "Mom" when I am talking about her with my friends. I have just very recently started calling her "Mom" to other members of her family and they say "Who?" So they are not used to me calling her that. Does that mean they don't see that she is my mother? Hmmmm.

For me, it is time that I call her "Mom", but once I do that there is no turning back. I have even discussed this with her and she doesn't say much.

One of the main reasons I haven't called her "Mom" to her is that I asked her to talk with her other daughter before I do this. I have enough respect for my half-sister for her to know what is going on so that she is not blind-sided one day if she hears me calling her "Mom". My mother hasn't talked with her yet and it has been several months.

I know now why the first 18 years had not gone well with our relationship. When I wanted something more to our relationship, it bothered me so much I would just back off. She wouldn't come to me and talk about it or help me, so communication died. It seems that if I stop communicating, the relationship dies. It doesn't mean enough to her to just ask me "what is wrong. how can I help?"

In the end, I will get through this. Probably alone, but I will cross the road.

By the way, my friends were very upset at me and let me "have it" when I told them I was thinking about getting out of my relationship with her. They told me that I can't just have a relationship with her and then one day decide to pull out. That wasn't being fair to her or me either.

Maybe I should get new friends. ;-)

I Feel Guilty

For the last couple of weeks I have been feeling really guilty. I have realized that I am wanting to make a huge step in my relationship with my nmother. Really I would have to say a "huge leap".

I have always thought that I was the one that was further along in our relationship. I felt like there were times where I would have to stop dead in my tracks and wait for my mother to catch up to me on our relationship. There were even times when I felt like I would have to stop, back up a few or many steps, and pull her along. There has been many, many humps in the road and many brick walls that have been walked around or had to be torn down.

I have always wished that one day we would be at the end of the tunnel or the end of this line that we walk on. The end would just open up.

• No more problems
• No more worries
• No more guilty feelings
• No more insecurities

That is the day I yearn for. But until then, I have walked slowly on the line and waited for her to catch up.

When my nmother was here a few weekends ago, I found out that I wasn't the one that was in the front. When we finally sat down and talked, I realized all this time instead of me waiting on her to catch up to our relationship, she has been waiting on me.

Wow, this changes things. Apparently I haven't been seeing the big picture. Now that I see that she really wants a mother/daughter relationship with me. I want to have that daughter/mother relationship with her.

For the last several weeks, I have been feeling guilty about how I feel toward my nmother. I catch myself thinking that she is totally my mother and wanting to treat her as such. I have at times treated her like I treat my adoptive mother. That is when the guilty feelings come afloat. I start thinking, "Is it right to treat anyone else in my life like I treat my mother that has always been there while I was growing up?"

I wished there was a way that I could treat both mothers differently, but know that both of them are my mothers. But this can't happen because I only know how to treat one mother like my mother. Therefore, I have to treat my nmother just like I do my adoptive mother. Is that really fair to my adoptive mother? Is it fair to my natural mother? Is it fair to me?

I Needed Her

When I was 24, in 1994, I stored all my belongings in storage, packed a suitcase, and went to visit my nmother and her family. I had visited her one time before this on a Saturday, but this was the first time I was going to spend the night and stay a little while.

Like I said in the previous post, this was a start to the next 14 years of our relationship being ruined.

Looking back now, I wish I would have never gone to visit.

When I arrived at her house, my half-sister and her husband had just moved out of the house. My half-brother and his girlfriend lived in the house and just had a baby together. My nmother was getting a divorce. To top all that off, here I came.

I really didn't go to her house to spend the next 2 or 3 weeks with her. I went to spend several days so that I could spend some time with her and my brother and his family.

I was without a job, no money, and didn't know what I was going to do for the rest of my life. But, I really didn't care all that much about the rest of my life, because I was staying with my mother finally.

I am really not sure how my mother felt those few weeks. We did not spend too much time together because she really didn't want to have anything to do with me. Looking back, I really think I went to stay with her to see if she was going to treat me like her daughter. Instead, she treated me like I was her worst enemy and she couldn't get rid of me. This made my anger, for her, surface.

She didn't realize her decision for putting me up for adoption and then having nothing to do with me would make me angrier and angrier at her. I would ask her why she didn't want me around, why did she make decisions the way she was making them, why this, why that, why in the heck would you give me away. I kept pushing her and pushing her into a corner and she was not willing to get out. Now I see how she could not get out of the corner.

The other day, while she was visiting me on the weekend, I asked her, "Why, when I stayed with you 14 years ago, did you not take me outside, sit me down, and help me? All I needed for you to do is help me through all the feelings that surfaced. You didn't even try."

She told me that she doesn't know why she didn't try to help me. She said that she didn't know what to do with me. She couldn't handle my anger.

I ended up leaving one day without telling her bye. I never went back. She never called, I never called.

I knew then that our relationship would depend on me from then on. I didn't need a relationship with her if she wasn't going to step up to the plate and admit that I am her daughter. If she wasn't going to help me get through this, I didn't want her in my life.

Was it worth 14 years of hardly a relationship after this? I can tell you this...relationships work both ways. Some days one person gives 110% and the other gives -110%. Some days both people only give 50% and some days both give nothing. And then there are those days that both people give 100%.

The answer: No, it wasn't worth. Because I cannot make up for the last 14 years.

What could have happened? I did need a break, but the ball was always, and I believe still is, in my court. It seems that I choose if or when we are going to have a relationship. Yes, I did need a break, but at the same time, I needed my mother. I needed her in those younger years!!! And she was not there.

The Secret Life

Continuing from Years Ago

During the time that my nmother and I were working on our relationship, my friends were not positive about my relationship with her. They didn't understand why I would even talk with her. My half-brother was coming to my house on the weekends (5 hours away from his house) and my friends really liked him, but they wanted nothing to do with my mother. They would tell me that I have no right to be talking with her and she had not right to be talking with me. I ended up talking with no one about my relationship with her.

I didn't tell any of my family members that I was in a relationship with her because I didn't want to have to deal with them. I didn't want to deal with my adoptive mother wondering if I liked my nmother better than her. I knew she would be wondering if I would leave my adoptive family and go to my natural family. I thought this was "crazy thinking" so instead of dealing with it, it was much easier to keep things a secret. I pretty much kept my relationship with her a secret from family and friends.

I have recently found out that my nmother was having to deal with a relationship with me and dealing with how her other daughter was feeling. She told me that she had to be very careful with our relationship and not take from her relationship with her other daughter who was still living at home.

My mother and I would talk on the phone at least once a month and few months later I left my job and moved out of the city I was living in with no job. I ended up at my nmother's house and stayed there for 3 weeks.

Those 3 weeks ruined our relationship for the next 14 years.

Connections

Fortunately I grew up in a pretty good home. I have the normal American family background which would include:

Getting upset with my parents at the smallest thing.

Thinking I could have had more when I was growing up.

Thinking that life would be better if I could just have grown up faster.

Being the youngest in my adopted family, but being treated like the oldest.

Having the responsibility to take care of my family.

Just normal everyday stuff.

It is what I know. It is what I grew up with. I still believe family is family no matter what. This includes adopted family and natural family.

But after 40 years, I still don't have that connection with my nmother like I do with my adopted mother. I have a deep connection to my adoptive family and always have. I even have a deep connection with my natural half brother. But for some reason I can't seem to have that deep connection with my nmother. I really try to have that connection with her, but it seems it is just not there. Honestly I think she feels the same way.

My connection with my adopted family and my half-brother is sealed. It is molded together.
My connection with my nmother is not molded. Maybe it will take time to mold, but I am not even sure if time will mold it. When I am with my nmother, I find myself, about half the time, not being myself.

This past weekend, she came to visit me for the first time in 7 years. I live in a completely different city now. I think we really had a great 2 days together. Before she left, we ended up talking about our situation. One of the things I fessed up to was the fact that even though I am 40 years old, I still have those 2, 3, 4 year old feelings that haven't gone away. You know those "I have to know that you love me" feelings.

I told her, "I am really sorry, but some times I feel like I am that 2, 3, 4+ year old with you. I need to know that you are here and that you love me. I didn't have you there when I was that young and some times the kid in me sorta takes over when I am around you."

I am really hoping this will pass in the next few years.

No Further Say

So I found what my nmother signed at the adoption agency. One part said:

"I understand that either way, once the Court terminates my parental rights, I have no further say concerning my child."

Is this why my nmother doesn't treat me like her daughter?

Years Ago

Continuing with my relationship with my mother after we first met....

After I wrote a letter to my mother, in 1990, telling her I didn't want a relationship with her, she didn't try to communicate with me. She tells me now that she didn't think she had a choice whether we were going to have a relationship. It was all of my decision.

Three years had passed. I really didn't think of her much. I think about every 6 months I would think of her, but it was just for a minute or two and it would pass. I thought why should I bring up feelings about our relationship. That would mean I would have to deal with being adopted. I knew she wanted a relationship with me. If I call her it would just start this cycle all over again. I wasn't ready for a relationship with her. And of course she never contacted me, never sent a card, not even a birthday card. So why should I call her if she didn't call me.

Finally one day I called information to get her phone number. I never kept her information and luckily she still lived in the same place. I called her one night and we talked for 6 hours straight. We talked about what I had been doing, where I lived, where I worked, etc. She actually wanted to know about me. Then the next night, I called and we talked another 6 hours. We did this for 2 weeks except on weekends. My phone bill was $600. We had caught up on my life, I guess. I don't remember much about the conversations, but I do remember she was interested in my life. When I started talking with her those 2 weeks, she ended up putting her family life on hold while we were on the phone. My brother tells me that he thought it was crazy then, but now he says that it was a good thing for our mother. He tells me that it was what she needed. He also says that our sister really had a hard time with me talking to her and taking her away in the evenings.

This really affected my work life. And I am sure that it affected hers. Since we talked so long on the phone it would be early morning before we would get off the phone. My friends started getting tired of me talking about my natural family. I ended up not being able to talk with anyone about it and of course, my parents did not know that I was talking with her. So I had a relationship with her without being able to talk with anyone about it.

My brother and I met during this time and he started coming up and seeing me every weekend. He lived about 5 hours away. My brother told me just this past year that our sister and her boyfriend accused him and me of having a "thing" with each other when he came to visit me years ago. Yes, I said a "thing" which would have something to do with sex. I just about died. I told my brother that I didn't know he was having to deal with that and that I was so sorry he dealt with it. When he told me this, I said something to my mother and she accused him of lying. She said that my sister would have never said that. Right. Whatever!

Anyway, I went to visit my mother one weekend to see where she lived. The first time I went to visit, she took me to a family reunion. What is up with taking your daughter to a family reunion when she comes to visit for the first time? At the reunion, I clung to her side. I didn't want her to leave my sight because I didn't know anybody else. Everyone kept staring at me.

I ended up finding an adoptee support group. I think the group met once a week. It wasn't a big group and most of them had not reunited with the natural family. I think it was me and another woman who were the only ones that were reunited. So I didn't have many people talking to me about how to deal with our relationship. My friends were not talking to me about it because they thought I should have nothing to do with her. That couldn't understand why I would run my phone bill up and talk to her for many hours on the phone. So I basically had no support.

For the next few months, we would talk every now and then since my phone bill was way too high. Then I left the country for my job and moved to Milan, Italy. I would still call her every now and then and keep in touch. Yes, that was very expensive. I remember it being about $2 and something per minute. But I called her anyway.

When I came back to the states about 4 months later, she came to my place to visit me. That was really different. That was the first time that it was just her and I together. There was no one else with us.

My Rights To Know

When I wrote Adoptees Listen Up, I didn't expect that many people to have an opinion about the things I said. I wanted to expand on my thoughts on this subject a little bit more.

Again, for forty years I was a leader for "adoptees have a right to know" on the "circumstances" of their adoption. I am not talking about the right to have my original birth certificate or know information on my natural mother or father.

Since I found out that I was adopted, I have always wanted to know "why would my mother make such a decision." I wanted to know if something happened that caused her to give me up. Then people would give their opinion on what happened. Since my nmother wasn't around to fill in the blanks, others felt like they needed to fill them for her.

Later, I started thinking that I was given away because of me. I must have been a bad baby for her to not keep me even though I was adopted at three days old. That really starts eating at your self-concept. In order to not allow this to eat at me all the time, I had to bury the thought of this. Notice: Bury not deal with.

When people would talk to me about being adopted or just say something about being adopted, the thought of it being all my fault would come up. Of course, I couldn't talk to anyone about it because they didn't know the reason. There was only 2 people in this world that knew and one wasn't in existence. Therefore my thoughts were correct that it was my fault, since she wasn't around to disagree. If my thoughts were not right, then she would be around. Right? Right.

So it was my "right" to know what the circumstances were for her to give me up. In other words, it was her responsibility to tell me no matter what. I demanded to know.

When my children ask me the circumstances of their birth, I tell them. The deal is I CHOOSE to answer the questions. I have no problem with the answers. I don't think they have a RIGHT to every an answer for every question they ask, but I have no problem answering most of them.

I still know that I don't have a RIGHT to my nmother's circumstances. I can't DEMAND her to give me answers and if she doesn't want to tell me, then it is her choice. In the past, when I would say that I had a right to know, it was a demand to know.

I do have questions and would LOVE to hear the answers even though I might not like the answers. I just hope one day she can come to trust our relationship enough to share.

Giving Up Love

After I met my mother for the first time, when I was 21 years old, the contact with her stopped 6 months later. I didn't tell my adoptive parents that I had found her until 1 more year after that. So my parents didn't know until a year and a half after she and I met for the first time.

Not being able to tell my parents that we met was very stressful. I really liked my parents and to keep that from them was very hard. I told no one except my best friend. Then one day I couldn't handle the guilt of keeping it from my parents and the guilt of not telling my mother why I couldn't have a relationship with her.

That's right, I felt guilty. If you recall, I wrote about Adoptees Responsibilities and I had a friend of mine call her to tell her to not contact me anymore. I knew I should have done it, but I didn't know how to tell the person that I wanted to know to get lost.

My guilt finally got to me and I wrote her a letter to tell her that I just met her to find out some questions that I have always had. I told her that I didn't want any kind of relationship with her or her family. I was sorry to have to get a friend to call her and tell her I didn't want contact with her. I had had a good life. My parents were great and I finally told my parents that I met her.

After I wrote the letter, I went to my parent's house that weekend and told them everything and then read the letter out loud. I wanted my parents to know that I didn't want a relationship with the woman that they feared would take me away from them. I chose them over her. They were happy about this and all the guilt went away. Then I sent the letter.

If I look back on the last almost 19 years of our so-called relationship, writing that letter was one of the hardest. For 20+ years, all I wanted was my mother to come back in my life and accept me. I wanted her to want me in her life. All of a sudden I had that, and I had to turn it down. I had to make a choice. I felt like I had to make a choice: be with her or be with my adoptive family. The choice was never to be in both families. That could never happen because your heart is always with one family. I really felt like in order to love my mother, I had to give up the love I had for my parents. Or to love my parents, I had to give up the love for my mother.

So I chose love my parents and give up the love for my mother. Which is what every loving daughter would do, right?

Until a year later....

My Niece

Before you read this, read Oh, The Sayings which was posted earlier.

My niece did not think she said anything wrong. In fact about 9 months ago, I was the one that informed her that my children were her cousins. And she just looked at me with surprise. I told her to talk to her Mom about it. Yes, I am the one that forced her Mom to tell her something. Yeah Me!

So when she told me the stuff Sunday, I was shocked because I thought she knew. I wasn't mad at her and I wasn't even mad at her Mom. I was really hurt.

For the last several months, when my mother and I have talked, I have asked her to "fix things". So when we finally talked about what my niece had said, she said "I will fix this."

Then I said, "No. Do not fix this. This is between her mother and her. If her mother wants her to know something different it is her responsibility to tell her. Not someone else's. I wouldn't want someone telling my kids something this drastic and I not know about it. So out of respect for my sister, please don't fix this."

But, she didn't accept that, she told me that she would fix it and talk with my sister to let her know that no one has told my niece something different. I accepted that.

As of right now, I have no clue if they have talked with my niece.

Oh, The Sayings

After I decided that I didn't have a "right" to the circumstances of what really happened the last 41 years, I settled my insecurities on my relationship with my nmother. Or so I figured.

A day later, Sunday, my nmother, my 9-year-old niece (daughter of my half-sister), and I were walking in a store. My niece looked at me and said, "You are like a aunt to me."

I said, "I am your aunt."

"No you are not my aunt. If you were you would have been borned by Grandma." She said.
My nmother was walking behind us about 20 feet back and I said, "Well, why don't you ask Grandma."

She refused, so I said, "Who told you this."

She said, "My mom told me that you are not my aunt and you were not borned by Grandma."

It is always nice to have a 9-year-old to hit you in the heart where it hurts. I just about died. It took me 2 hours to be able to talk about it with my nmother. My nmother told me that my half-sister didn't feel that way anymore and nobody had informed the 9-year-old that things had changed. Then she asked me why it upset me so. I had to explain that when I start settling down and getting really comfortable and secure about our relationship, something always pops up to remind me that I am not a part of this family. There is always a reminder lurking in the background.

Then I informed her that everyone has an opinion about our relationship. I hear it all the time in my daily life and I don't expect to hear it from my nfamily. And when I do, it really hits deep.

Fortunately for me, this conversation led her to telling me some stuff that happened when I was born. She finally opened up a little.

Adoptees, Listen Up

I have just spent the Labor Day holiday with my nmother. We celebrated our 1 year of being in each others lives even though it has really been almost 19 years. We have never, ever lasted this long. I know that there will be many more years together.

I will get back to writing about what happened my younger years, but I have to write this first.

I have always been an advocate on the subject that adoptees have a RIGHT to know what happened when they were born. For 40 years, I have been a strong advocate to that. I have felt that I do have a right to know the situation, all the events that led up to, and what the reasons were on the decisions. The "why this" or "why that".

But this weekend changed my mind. I DO NOT have a right to know what happened. It is NOT my right to know the situation or circumstances. If my nmother wants to tell me, then it is her choice and her choice alone. I can't force her to tell me. Granted I would love for her to tell me, but again, it is her choice.

So, if you are an adoptee reading this, let me urge you to rethink the "I have a RIGHT to know" issue. If you are like me, you would love to know the "whys" and "how comes". Then you push your nparent to tell you and insist on it, but they don't. Yes, it hurts to not know. But we still don't have a right to force our nparents to tell us.

If you are a nparent reading this, let me urge you to open up to your daughter/son. Ask them, "what do you want to know?" Write it on a piece of paper and send it to them, if you can't speak the words. Most adoptees want to know. Be willing to answer questions that only you can answer.

When I finally realized that I didn't have a right to know, I could feel the tension and stress of our relationship go away. I don't have a perfect relationship with my nmother and hope one day I can, but I know that our relationship has grown tremedously and will continue to grow.

I can now say: I WAS adopted; not I am adopted.

Adoptees Responsibilities

Per comments from Can We Be Honest

Let's see. My sense of humor would say we have no responsibilities as adoptees during reunion. But, if I really said that I would have a lot of mothers on my case. So let's pretend I didn't say that.

I will answer the questions Suz posted in comments from the previous post, but I want to say something first.

When I was reunited almost 19 years ago, I was 21 years old. (for those of you who don't read my post very much) For the last 19 years, until very, very recent my mother (my natural mother) did not put forth the effort to have a relationship with me. Now, at first she did. She wrote letters to me, but hardly ever called. Granted phone calls were $.50 a minute back then. When the letters started to come in, I got nervous. One, I hadn't told my parents that I had found my mother and I was so scared that they would find out and see one of the letters in my house if they came to visit. So I had to throw the letters away or hide them. Basically, I would throw them away. I could not take a chance of them finding the letters.

Two: Oh my gosh! I found the woman I had wanted to know all my life and now she wants me in her life. (Keyword: Know. Not have a relationship with) To top that off, she wanted a relationship based upon now. Not a relationship based upon the last 21 years. What about the relationship that we had had for the first 21 years of my life. Uh, yeah, there was none. She made a choice to not be in my life for the first 21 years of my life. (ok, do not comment on my "she made a choice". This is exactly how I felt back then.) I felt like she wanted to bury the last 21 years of my life and start in the present. But that couldn't happen with me. I needed to settle some issues first and apparently she was so happy for me to be in her life that she didn't care about the past.

I would say that I was mature when I was 21, but when it came to my relationship with my mother, that went out the door. When I met her for the first time, I was ok. Yes I had issues like where have you been? Did you think of me like I thought of you? Did you want to come find me? etc. But when she started to wanting a relationship, the anger all of a sudden came up. I wasn't angry about being adopted until this happened. She gave me away and now she wants a relationship. No way!

So did I have responsibility when we first met? The only responsibility that I had was to tell her that I did not want to have contact with her. I did that and she didn't listen. I would send her letters back to her stamped with "No forwarding address" stamped on there. Then she would send letters to the adoption agency and finally a friend from there called her and told her to not contact me anymore. The contact stopped. I did not have a responsibility to be her daughter or to be in her life. She was not a part of me. She was just a stranger that I didn't want in my life.
I thought I was being respectful and compassionate and open. That was my 21 year old self doing all those things. Life went on and I buried the anger and issues for 5 years.

Enough said for today. I will continue tomorrow. Again, remember this is how I felt 19 years ago, not now!

Can We Be Honest

I was surfing different adoption blogs the other day when I came across a natural mother's blog. I don't even remember which blog it was, but I couldn't believe what I was reading.

The mother and daughter had been reunited for some time and the daughter had gotten out of the relationship a few weeks before the mother had blogged about it. The post was the normal "I am not sure what I need to do or what I should say to my daughter. I am not sure why she decided to end the relationship." That is pretty normal words written when a reunited relationship ends, but here is what took me back.

She said, "When my daughter and I had first reunited, we both agreed that if the other one wanted to end the relationship, then the other would be ok with it."

I am not really sure where to start on this. My first thought was OH MY GOSH!!!

I know that my nmother did this very same thing except she did it within herself. We didn't discuss or agree to anything like this. I know that she assumed she had no right to have a relationship with me after all these years and she allowed me to have the choice whether or not we would have a relationship.

How would I feel if this would have happened to me? Let's say that my nmother and I agreed that if one of us wanted to end our relationship with the other, then that would be ok. The other would not do anything to keep it.

If we would have had this discussion 19 years ago, when we were first reunited, then it would have told me that if I chose to get out of the relationship, she would have not been hurt by it. Right? She would have agreed that it would be ok, therefore, it would not bother her for me to end the relationship and she would have gone on with her life without me.

This would have told me that she didn't perceive the relationship lasting a life time. That it would not be a mother/daughter relationship, it would almost be like a marriage. Some people go into a marriage thinking if it didn't work out that they can always get a divorce.

"Ok if this doesn't work out, no feelings are hurt, you go your way, I'll go mine."

"If the road gets too rocky, then I am out. No one will be hurt."

So if you are a nmother who has said this or agreed to this, I have some questions for you.

Why would you tell your child that if they don't want a relationship with you, then it is ok?

Isn't this a lie? Do you really not want a relationship with your reunited child? Or, are you just protecting yourself from being hurt all over again?

If your reunited child says this to you, why can't you say "I do not want this relationship to end and I would be hurt if you decided to end the relationship. If you choose to end this relationship, before you do, please talk to me about it. Let's try to work it out." Why give up so easily?

If you tell your child that it is ok if one of you decided to get out, then you are telling them that you don't care enough for them to fight for the relationship. Adoptees have so many factors to deal with when they are reunited, that they just might need their natural mother to stand up and finally fight to keep their child in their life this time.

If you are a nmother and have other children, do you wake up one morning and say, "Son/daughter, I have been thinking. You know, if our mother/son/daughter relationship is not working out for you and you want out, it is ok with me. At any point in time, you decide that this is not working for you, just let me know, and I will let you go without a fight and I will be ok."

Permission

If you read Statements From Ignorant People then you should know that my adoptive parents never once said these statements to me. In fact, they never said anything about my natural mother because they didn't know the answers to my questions. I really applaud my parents for telling me that they didn't know when they actual didn't know the answers.

When I was 19 years old, I went to search for my natural mother and found out that in my state you could not search for your natural mother/father unless you were 21. My comment to that is: HOW STUPID!!! Anyway, I had to have my parents sign a form to give me permission to search for her. I got the form, asked my parents to sign, they were willing to sign it, and then didn't allow them to sign.

I know now that if my parents wouldn't have been willing to sign that form, I would have somehow forged their name or found some way to get their signatures on it. Then I would have found my nmother and it probably wouldn't have gone very good. I know that I would have found her just to spite my parents. It wouldn't have been for me at that time. It would have been just to get back at them and the system because they told me I couldn't.

So it really shocked me that they were willing to sign. But I had to do this own my own. Not with any one's permission. Finding her was for me, not anyone else.

A few months ago, I went to the adoption agency to look at my records that they had. These records were over 40 years old. I could see the records, but I could not have a copy or the cards that my nmother had sent to me via the adoption agency after we met. I had to have my nmother's permission. She has to sign a form to allow me to have the cards and have a copy of the records. So I received the form, asked her to sign it, she said she would, but I haven't given her the form. I am back to having to have someone's permission to get the stuff that I think belongs to me. Oh, evidentually I will give her the form and get the things in the folder, but it will take a little while for me to be able to get over having to have someone's permission.

Meet The Parents

When my nmother and I were reunited almost 5 years, I asked her to go with me to meet my parents at their house. Both parties agreed to this meeting and my nmother and I drove 2 hours to my parent's house.

My parents had moved away from my hometown 6 years before this visit. I would have liked her to visit my hometown and see the house they I grew up in instead of going to a house that I had never lived in, but we were not visiting the house. She was going with me to meet the parents. (sounds like a movie)

So almost 14 years ago, my parents met my nmother. I remember the drive being pretty quiet. She really didn't talk much. I remember being very calm and not nervous about the meeting. I really didn't have anything to be nervous about because I knew both parties and both parties were my family.

My Dad met my nmother and then took off to go do manly stuff. Honestly, I am not sure where he went, but he took off as soon as we got there. My mother, nmother, and I stayed in the house and just talked.

Luckily my parent's house was at a lake so we could at least sit on the back porch and look out the window at the lake instead of just staring at each other.

My whole goal in that meeting was to make sure that my nmother was ok. I didn't worry about my mother because it was her house. My nmother was finally meeting my parents and she was in unfamiliar territory. So I sat by my nmother and every now and then when Mom would go to the kitchen or something, I would ask my nmother if she was ok and doing fine. She did just fine with that meeting.

During the meeting, my Mom brought in some photo albums and she showed my nmother different pictures and talked about me growing up.

I thought everything was going great. Years later, I found out that my mother went to her bedroom for a few minutes and broke down. Since I was still on the back porch with my nmother, I didn't realize that my mother had gone to her bedroom. Mom said that she was upset because I wasn't paying attention to her, I was paying attention to my nmother. I told her that the reason for this was because we were in her house and her territory. I also said that I knew that my relationship with my Mom was stable and would always be there, but my relationship with my nmother was not stable. I didn't know if it would be there the next day.

We left several hours later and my nmother hasn't seen my mother since. Neither one will see the other now. Drives me crazy, but that is their problem and not mine. When I asked my nmother how she was doing on the way back home, she informed that it was a good visit and she was glad that she met my parents.

I remember feeling relived that both families had met. It made me feel like I had joined both families together through me. But now both families have separated again and will not meet up. I don't know why. I have even asked both mothers, but get no response. I really don't need them to come together and be friends or even meet for coffee every now and then. What I need is for them to be willing to meet up if I asked.

Statements From Ignorant People

Recently I was asked if I am looking for "validation" from my mother.

I was thinking of the years growing up without her and what people said to me. Of course this list probably doesn't even come close to everything that was said, but it is what I could think of right now.

Things said to me about my mother:

Your birth mother didn’t want you so she gave you away.
She wanted to have a good life and you would have messed things up.
She’s moved on, can’t you leave it alone?
She wanted confidentiality; you need to respect her decision on this.
She wanted to go to college and she couldn’t with a baby.
Your birth mother and father were married, but too young or too poor to raise you.
She didn’t have a right to raise you.
You will be disrespecting her, if you searched for her.
She has moved on with a new family and doesn’t want you.
She is married by now and has other children and has forgotten about you.
Since she gave you up, she has no right to want you in her life.
If she wanted you in her life, she would come find you.
If she loved you, she would have not given you away.
If she loved you, she would have you in her life.

Things that would be said about me:

Since she gave you away, you don’t need her.
Your parents are your mom and dad now. They are the only Mom and Dad you need.
Why would you want someone in your life that didn’t love you or want you.
She left you all alone.
You have good parents, why would you want to hurt them.
Don’t your parents give you enough love.
Your parent’s are high in the community, if you find your birth mother, this would really hurt them in the community and possibly their work place.
You would just disrupt her life, if you found her.
You would cause problems in her life, because she probably never told her husband or her family about you.
You don’t need her.

Hearing these statements growing up, I would believe them. There was nothing that told me they were false. In fact, I still get people who are ignorant and say these statements to me. So do I need validation that these statements are false? I guess I would have to say "yes".

I was told over and over and over these statements and then one day my mother told me to just not listen to people when they don't know what they are talking about. It is really not that easy to erase some things from memory.

Get Off the Fence Post

If you haven't been reading the comments from Hated Sibling then feel free to go and read them and come back.

Until now, I thought I was probably one of the many few adoptees that have a sibling that does not like them. I would almost go as far to say as "hate" them. I have even said that she would probably prefer me to not be alive.

So I asked a question and here is a more detailed version: If your children that you raised, hated each other or showed signs of dislike for each other, would you do something about it?

If my two boys show signs of not liking each other, we have a talk. I mean we sit down and discuss what is going on and everyone gets to say how they feel and what they think, but when everything is said, of course, Mom gets her way. I just tell them that they are brothers and will always be with each other and they have different views, but they are still brothers. I really believe if I just let them dislike each other, then it will get worse and worse and make me miserable.

So I have a couple of thoughts:
(1) Do mothers, who have raised children who do not like or hate their surrendered child, think that their children are going to sit down one day and discuss the problems that the raised child is having? Are the two children going to work out their own problems?

(2) Why do mothers sit on the fence post on this issue? Instead of talking to the raised child and helping them work out these issues, it seems that mothers tend to leave the situation alone.

(3) Is this one of those issues that the mother is afraid if she confronts the raised child with their behavior toward the surrendered child, she may lose both children?

If you have read my blog, you would know that I have a younger half-sister and half-brother. I am in this situation right now where my half-sister just really hates me and her behavior around me is awful. My mother will not do anything about it. She just says that she wishes that both of us were close and would treat each other as sisters.

It is not my responsibility to make sure my sister acts correctly when around me. There is no way that I would be able to go up to my sister and ask her why she treats me the way she does and try to work things out. But I feel like it is my mother's responsibility to sit down with her other daughter and discuss this with her. But instead of helping her other daughter understand that I had nothing to do with coming into this family or nothing to do with not being raised by our mother, she sits on the fence post. She is a silent mother just watching from the stands. I am not asking her to cheer one of us on. I am asking her to own up to her responsibility to her two daughters and talk with my sister about adoption and why she is upset with me. This is one of those situations that she could "fix", but doesn't.

I would like her to get off the fence post and participate in this conflict and resolve it. Until she does this, my sister will keep treating me like I don't belong and keep the stress level high. I believe that if my sister and brother were in this conflict, then our mother would talk with my sister and figure out how to resolve the situation.

The Hated Sibling

Hey Cedar, got a question for you and any other mother who would like to comment.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do to help your second born with his anger? (From her comment on post: Siblings Feel Survivor Guilt) Do you talk with him and tell him that it is not your first-born's fault that this has happened? Do you try to fix their relationship or help both of them through it?

I ask this because my nmother does not even try to help my half-sister to understand about adoption. She has never talked to her about it. Just told her about me 18 years ago and then never talked about it again. She has left it up to us to fix things.

My boys are 10 and 7 years old. When they argue and can't stand one another, I usually will step in, get them together, and talk things out. Then they are brothers again.

About 6 months ago, my natural brother and I were tired of the hatred and other stuff that was going on since I have been back in the family. So we decided to have a meeting at his house and get everyone together and talk it out. Unfortunately, it turned out that we couldn't get everyone together. I wished we would have. Maybe my natural sister and I would be closer now.

Siblings Feel Survivor Guilt?

Suz wrote a comment in my We Are All Older Now post:

"...i often wonder if the kept siblings suffer some form of "survivor guilt" meaning they see the damage done to their abandoned siblings and feel badly that they were exempt from it."

I might could see this statement true if the sibling was very young. Maybe a 12 year old or younger would fill this way.

When my siblings found out about me they were 17 and 16 years old. My brother, the 16 year old, had the attitude of "who cares where she has been, she is part of the family and she needs to be here." He accepted me from day one.

But for my sister, she could see that our mother was struggling with my adoption and our relationship for years. I really think that she thought since "Mom gave her away and didn't want her, then she is not a part of the family and NOT my sister. If Mom wanted her to be in the family, she would have kept her. Mom kept the kids that she really wanted."

She has never once felt badly for me for being adopted. That I can guarantee.

We Are All Older Now

Before my natural sister and her new husband went on their honeymoon, my new brother-n-law (does that make him my half-brother-n-law?) came over to talk with me. I was about to leave the wedding reception and he wanted to tell me bye.

As we were talking, I asked him what he thought my sister would think if I called our mother "Mom". I told him that I did not want to disrespect her in any way and I was considering the idea.

He informed me that when my sister and him first got together that she told him that she did not have a sister. That it was only her brother and her. He then informed her to get into reality, she does have a sister, and that they would have problems if my sister did not recognize the fact that I existed and am her sister.

A few months ago, I noticed that my sister started talking with me when I visited our mother and brother. She started to come around more often. I always wondered what made her change her mind about me. I knew our mother didn't talk to her about me, because she wouldn't do that.

Which brings me to the point of "why is that?" Why can't my mother stick up for me when it comes to her other daughter?

My sister is 36 years old and 4 years younger than me. I would think that since we are all older now, everyone can talk about issues and not be scared that a relationship will end just by talking. I don't understand why my mother will not discuss me with her other daughter.

I really don't want to hear the argument of: "Your mother is scared that she will lose her other daughter so she doesn't want to rock the boat." This argument has no bearing. How can she lose the daughter she brought up? They are so close. But for argument sake let's go with it.

Let's say that our mother finally sticks up for what is right and tells her other daughter that I exist as part of the family, I am my mother's oldest daughter, I am my mother's oldest child, and I am my sister's sister. So with this argument, my sister would tell my mother that she is crazy and that if my mother thinks that and insist on those facts, she doesn't want to ever talk or see our mother ever again for the rest of her life. She is going take 36 years of mother/daughter love and just kill the relationship forever. Are you kidding me? I don't think so.

Let me play out the real story here. My mother doesn't want to stand up for me and stand up for what is right. She doesn't want to talk to my sister and tell her that she needs to grow up. She doesn't want to tell my sister that it was my mother who made the decision 40 years ago not to raise me and I am the innocent one. Instead, it took a man coming into my sister's life to tell her the truth and that she needed to acknowledge the truth or they would have problems from the get go. Did my sister just give up on her relationship with her new boyfriend? They didn't have a 36 year old history. So if she didn't dump her new boyfriend because he told it to her straight, why would she dump the relationship with her mother?

Please Talk To Me

In this last year, I have been picking the right moments to speak with my nmother about the past. Which means the times that I know she will be comfortable in talking with me about it. I don't know if it is just me or other adoptees, but I want (really I think I need) to know some answers to many questions. When I do find the right time to ask or talk to her about some things, we usually only talk about one thing and then most of the time we never finish the discussion.

I don't know why that my nmother doesn't just talk to me freely about everything that has to do with me. She clams up a whole lot. I usually take it as she really doesn't care about me or what the subject is about. I usually say, "Please say something".

This past weekend at my natural half-sister's wedding, I got a chance to sit down and talk with my nmother's best friend. A couple of days before the wedding, I had asked my nmother if she was ok with me asking her best friend some questions and she said that she didn't mind. Thank goodness her best friend was open to discussing with me some things about my nmother. One of the interesting things that really shocked me was when she said, "I have known your mother for over 10 years. I can tell you that she is happier now than she has ever been since I have known her."

Uh...do what? You have really got to be kidding. Really?

She continued, "Now that both of her daughters are getting along, talking, and doing things with each other, she is really happy. You just don't understand when your kids pin you to the wall or tug on you or put you in the middle."

"But I didn't do that." I said.

She said, "No you didn't but her other daughter did. And it hurt her really bad. You know, this has helped her with closure also. She is finally coming to grips with what happened. You helped her with that."

"But I don't understand why she can't talk to me about all this," I said.

"Because she has held it in all these years and she will only tell me what she wants me to know. Now you can't use anything I say against her." She said.

"Ok, you have my word."

She continued, "What she gets upset about or what really bothers her is when she thinks you are trying to replace your parents with her. For example, the holiday that you were suppose to be with your parents and you showed up at her house. That really bothered her. She knew you should have been with your family on that holiday instead of with her and she didn't want to hurt your parents."

I said, "Oh yeah, that was Christmas Day. She wouldn't listen to the reason why I did that. I don't care for Christmas Day after lunch because my boys' father comes and picks them up after lunch and they spend the rest of the day with him. We have done this since the divorce. I usually get depressed because the boys are gone and end up leaving my family when the boys leave. But she wouldn't listen to any of this."

She said, "She knows you have great parents and doesn't want you to try to replace them with her."

"So this is what drives me crazy. Everyone in this world seems to care how my parents feel or how my she feels, but they don't care about how I feel or even ask me about it. Does she ever think that I can love my parents and love her at the same time. It is not like I have to take a part of the love that I have for my parents away from them so I can love her." I said.

She asked, "Do you pray to God about your relationship with your mother?"

I answered, "You are probably not going to believe this, but after my divorce years ago, I became very close to God. I pray for everything in my life and see the blessings that he gives me and my friends always comment that they are jealous of the relationship I have with God and wished they had that also. But, this is the only thing in my life that I do not pray to God about."

"Why not?", she asked.

"Because I know that God can bless me more than I can imagine and bless our relationship. But I still don't have any guarantee that she will stay in our relationship. I know that I am in it for life now, but I have no clue about her. I could not handle it if one day she decided that she didn't want this relationship. It would really hurt and right now I can't take that hurt."

Then she informed me, "You need to pray to God about the whole thing and what issues you have and I will pray for you both. The next time I see you at the office, I am going to ask you if you have been praying about it and I hope that you say 'yes'."

The Whole Family Weekend Part 2

Friday:

My son and I got up and went to meet my adoptive family (all of them) at Six Flags Over Texas. My parents, my brother, my sons, and my cousin and her daughter were going to battle the heat and spend a day there. I didn't go because of obligations that I had with my natural family that evening. We all met at the hotel that we were going to stay at for the weekend before Six Flags opened. We visiting a little while and got checked into the rooms early. Then when Six Flags opened, they left and I went shopping.

At lunch time, I went to my nmother's work to take her to lunch and then that afternoon I met up with her at her house. That evening, my nmother, half-sister, her fiancé, her daughter, and me went to have our nails done. My niece enjoys having me around and always has to sit by me when we are eating or doing something. So I allowed her to pick a design to be painted on my toes. She loved it and yes, within a week or two I am going to have to go to a different design. After we finished with our nails, ate dinner, then I went back to my nmother's house for a little while to visit until I had to leave to go pick up my adoptive family when Six Flags closed.

My adoptive family called me to tell me they were leaving Six Flags and I told them it would take me about 45 minutes to get there. I left and by the time I got to Six Flags they were ready to go to the hotel. But there was a problem. My father had rented my mother an electric scooter to get around because she had injured her foot a couple days before. Six Flags has a policy that you must leave your drivers license with them until the scooter is returned. He returned the scooter that night, but Six Flags had lost his drivers license. So I went with my Dad to talk with the security office to figure out what he could do. Needless to say, he is having to get a new drivers license.

We all went to the hotel and spent the night. I had decided that I would spend Friday night and Saturday night with my adoptive family at the hotel so that I could spend some time with them during the weekend also.

Saturday:

After eating breakfast with my father, I left to go spend the first part of the day with my natural family. We ate lunch at Cheesecake Factory to celebrate my half-sister getting married and then went to my half-brother's restaurant to decorate the reception room since she was having an outside wedding ceremony there.

That afternoon I left them and went to spend the rest of the day with my adoptive family. We had a birthday party for my son at the hotel and then went to a Texas Rangers baseball game.

Sunday: (wedding day)

My family had breakfast at the hotel and left to go shopping and then they were going to head home and my boys and I were going to the wedding. Since we had celebrated my youngest's birthday and had a cake the day before, I needed to stop at my nmother's house before we went shopping and put the cake in her refrigerator. My cousin was with me when I went to her house and wanted to meet my nmother. They talked for a little bit and then we had to go and meet my parent's at the mall. When we got to the car, my cousin looked at me and said, "Oh my goodness, if you would make your hair blond or your birthmother would make her hair brown, ya'll would look exactly alike." I have never had anyone tell me these exact words before, especially anyone from my family.

My parent's left that afternoon with my cousin and the boys and I went to get dressed and headed to the wedding. A few weeks ago, my nmother, half-sister, her fiance, her daughter, and I met with my half-brother at the restaurant to figure out how we were going to arrange the chairs for the wedding and other stuff. It was mentioned then that I would sit with the family on the front row during the wedding. I was really shocked by this because even my brother who I am very close to, didn't have me sitting near the family during his wedding several months ago. When the boys and I arrived at the restaurant, I noticed that there was not enough chairs at the front for everyone to sit if I was going to sit with the family. So I asked my brother's wife if I was sitting with the family and she said "No, you are sitting behind the family where everyone is sitting."

Now I expect this statement from ignorant people that don't know any better, but I don't expect this from my family. I was so shocked by this statement that I went to my brother and asked him where I was suppose to sit. He said "right behind us on that first row where everyone else is sitting."

I think at that moment in time, I told myself "that's it. I have had enough. I can't do this anymore!!!"

Then my brother came storming down the stairs and came over to me and said you are sitting in the front row with the family. I said, "but you said and your wife said..." He said, "I don't care, you are family and you are sitting with us."

Oh my gosh! I can't believe this is happening and that is not the end of it. The wedding was about to start and I went to get my boys and have them sit in the second row where all the kids were suppose to sit, then I went to sit down and my brother's son was sitting in the seat that my brother told me to sit in. I looked at him and said, "Get up that is my seat."

He looked at me and said, "But _____ (his step-mother; my new sister-n-law) told me to sit here."

I looked at her and she just smiled at me with a "let's see what you do with this" smile. So I told him, "Get up and sit with the other kids."

He pouted and got up and she didn't say a thing.

The wedding started and everyone was dying in the 104 degree heat. We took family pictures after the wedding which were the first family pictures with everyone in them since my boys and I were at the wedding. (My kids didn't attend my brother's wedding.)

And the night wasn't over yet....

The Whole Family Weekend Part 1

I have been gone for the last 5 days spending some time with my whole family. When I say "whole family", I mean WHOLE family. This past weekend was a first for me. I had my adoptive family and my natural family all in one city. I ended up juggling my time between the two of them.

This past weekend my adoptive family went to Dallas/Fort Worth to celebrate my youngest son's birthday who will be 7 this week. Also, my half-sister on my natural family got married Sunday afternoon.

Thursday:
I had to meet with someone on my way to Dallas/Fort Worth Thursday late afternoon, so my youngest son went with me. My oldest son stayed at home to play his last baseball game for the summer. My parents stayed with him and he went to their house to spend the night.

When my youngest son and I finished my meeting, we went to my nmother's house to stay the night and visit with her. As soon as we got there, my son wanted to go to Chili's to celebrate his birthday. I wanted him to spend some time with my nmother so he could get to know her better. He still calls her by her first name and tells me that she is not his "grandma". He is the type that has to get to know a person before he will let them in his life. In due time this will happen. My nmother is trying to spend more time with him and do more things with him so he will be comfortable around her.

While at Chili’s my nmother informed me that I needed to make a decision on my sister’s so-called bachelorette party.

Side note: While eating out a month ago with my sister and her fiancé, her fiancé informed me that I have to do a party for her. So I made a few suggestions and all of a sudden I was in charge of it. Wow imagine that. My sister didn’t want to do anything at night, so I suggested going to Cheesecake Factory (she had never been) at lunch on Saturday. She said that was great and we made a plan. Since the plan was made, my brother’s wife tried to change the plans to the wedding day and got things kinda screwed up.

So here we are at Chili’s and I am being asked to make a decision on what we are doing on Saturday, the day before the wedding. (By the way, if you have been keeping up with my blog, this is the sister that couldn’t stand me until a few months ago.) I ended up texting my sister-n-law: “We are going to Cheesecake Factory for lunch tomorrow. Leave Mom’s house at 10:30.”

Then I decided to text my sister: “We are going to Cheesecake Factory for lunch tomorrow. Leave the house at 10:30.”

(If you are really keeping up with my blog you will notice only one word changed in that text)

My nmother looks at me and ask me if I am sending the same text to my sister. I looked at her and said that I couldn’t send the exact same text. Usually I would tell my nmother a lie and say “yes”, but this time I decided to be honest with her. So I showed her the text to my sister-n-law and said I don’t think that my sister would appreciate the same text. She just looked at me and said she would be fine with it.

I didn’t want for my half-sister to find out that I was calling our mother “Mom” to other people without my nmother talking to her first. I can call her “Mom” to others, but still haven’t been able to call her “Mom” to her. I told my nmother that I still want her to talk to my half-sister about it before I would even call her this. I think that out of respect, my nmother should talk to her and tell her that she is the one that wants me to call her “mom”. She said she would talk with her after the wedding is over and I agreed.

Everyone Knew

I am not trying to be hateful or disrespectful when I write about the feelings and thoughts I had about being adopted. There are reunions that are happening right now with mothers/children that are very stressful and the mothers don't understand why their children do not want anything to do with them or show signs of anger toward them. When I read about relationships like this, it takes me back years ago when I was going through the same thing.

I think there are people who can forgive easy, not hold grudges or let things roll off their back and then there are some of us that are opposite. Unfortunately, I am one of those that I have a hard time of forgiving. I don't know if it comes from me being adopting or not, but forgiveness did not come easy when I was younger.

Everyone has pretty much heard that kids can be cruel in elementary and high school. You always have a school bully in your class. But when you are adopted, all the kids get a chance to add other comments to you. Hearing comments about being adopted, I learned to protect that area of my life, but at the same it didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

As a child, I remember having the following thoughts. If my mother wouldn't have put me up for adoption, I wouldn't have kids tease me about being adopted and not being wanted. I wouldn't have had to protect my heart from being hurt. I learned to protect myself from a very young age.

Not only did I have to protect myself from others, I protected myself from my nmother. Since she didn't want me, I didn't need her. I had to convince myself that I didn't love her. How can I love someone who didn't love me or even care for me? How could I love someone who was selfish and only cared about herself? If she cared about me and was not selfish, I wouldn't have been put up for adoption.

(Please remember these are thoughts years ago. My thoughts have changed since then.)

All that being said, I think I became angry after I had met her. When we met, I found out that she did love me and she told me she didn't have a choice and now she wants a relationship. Do what? All those years she didn't care to have anything to do with me and now that I am 21 and grown up, you want something to do with me? I am suppose to change all those thoughts and feelings for the last 21 years and have a loving relationship with her? Didn't she start all this mess? And now I am suppose to forgive and forget all that had happened in the past? I am suppose to drop that protection that I built up for years immediately and open my heart up?
Yeah, no, that didn't happen.

I was only 21. I had a lifetime to work on my forgiveness and adoption pain that I didn't acknowledge. Both of us were going to live until we were 100, so why should I start working on it now? I was just starting my life.

I hear mothers say that they went through the same pain or the same hurt that us adoptees went through. Mothers may have gone through the same pain, but it was not public knowledge. When a child is adopted, it is public knowledge. All your family/friends and parent's friends know about it in my case. For a natural mother, you choose to tell who you want to know. We didn't have a choice of who knew when we were younger. Everyone knew!