I am not trying to be hateful or disrespectful when I write about the feelings and thoughts I had about being adopted. There are reunions that are happening right now with mothers/children that are very stressful and the mothers don't understand why their children do not want anything to do with them or show signs of anger toward them. When I read about relationships like this, it takes me back years ago when I was going through the same thing.
I think there are people who can forgive easy, not hold grudges or let things roll off their back and then there are some of us that are opposite. Unfortunately, I am one of those that I have a hard time of forgiving. I don't know if it comes from me being adopting or not, but forgiveness did not come easy when I was younger.
Everyone has pretty much heard that kids can be cruel in elementary and high school. You always have a school bully in your class. But when you are adopted, all the kids get a chance to add other comments to you. Hearing comments about being adopted, I learned to protect that area of my life, but at the same it didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.
As a child, I remember having the following thoughts. If my mother wouldn't have put me up for adoption, I wouldn't have kids tease me about being adopted and not being wanted. I wouldn't have had to protect my heart from being hurt. I learned to protect myself from a very young age.
Not only did I have to protect myself from others, I protected myself from my nmother. Since she didn't want me, I didn't need her. I had to convince myself that I didn't love her. How can I love someone who didn't love me or even care for me? How could I love someone who was selfish and only cared about herself? If she cared about me and was not selfish, I wouldn't have been put up for adoption.
(Please remember these are thoughts years ago. My thoughts have changed since then.)
All that being said, I think I became angry after I had met her. When we met, I found out that she did love me and she told me she didn't have a choice and now she wants a relationship. Do what? All those years she didn't care to have anything to do with me and now that I am 21 and grown up, you want something to do with me? I am suppose to change all those thoughts and feelings for the last 21 years and have a loving relationship with her? Didn't she start all this mess? And now I am suppose to forgive and forget all that had happened in the past? I am suppose to drop that protection that I built up for years immediately and open my heart up?
Yeah, no, that didn't happen.
I was only 21. I had a lifetime to work on my forgiveness and adoption pain that I didn't acknowledge. Both of us were going to live until we were 100, so why should I start working on it now? I was just starting my life.
I hear mothers say that they went through the same pain or the same hurt that us adoptees went through. Mothers may have gone through the same pain, but it was not public knowledge. When a child is adopted, it is public knowledge. All your family/friends and parent's friends know about it in my case. For a natural mother, you choose to tell who you want to know. We didn't have a choice of who knew when we were younger. Everyone knew!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
An Acquaintance
It wasn't important for me to have a relationship with my mother after we had reunited when I was 21, fall semester of college, and suppose to graduate the next spring semester. She had become an acquaintance to me and I wasn't expecting contact with her. I really thought she would go back to her home and continue on her life without me. I expected my life to continue normally and I was about to graduate college and didn't have time for much life changing plans.
A week later I received a letter written from her. I replied a couple weeks later. She would continue to send letters to me and I would eventually respond. When the Christmas holidays came, I mailed her a letter telling her that I was going to my parent's for the holidays and ended up giving their phone number to her. On Christmas Day she called me at my parent's house. I took the phone and went to a bedroom and closed the door to talk to her. After we hung up, my parent's asked me who it was and I just said a friend from school. They did not know that I had found my mother and met her. It scared me half to death that my nmother called me at my parent's house and I lied to them about who was on the phone. I was bothered all day long with that phone call. I remember feeling that I had betrayed my parents since I did not tell them I found her. Then I felt all alone because I wanted to tell them and for them to be happy for me finding her and getting my questions answered. But I still could not tell them because I didn't know what their reaction was going to be.
I was still processing the fact that all my life people told me that my nmother did not want anything to do with me. And now she met me and is writing me and is showing interest in me. So conflicting thoughts were racing through my mind when I thought about my reunion. Since I wasn't talking with anyone about it, I was having to deal with everything alone. Add that to the fact of me still not wanting a relationship with her.
I can say that my last semester of college was not my best.
A week later I received a letter written from her. I replied a couple weeks later. She would continue to send letters to me and I would eventually respond. When the Christmas holidays came, I mailed her a letter telling her that I was going to my parent's for the holidays and ended up giving their phone number to her. On Christmas Day she called me at my parent's house. I took the phone and went to a bedroom and closed the door to talk to her. After we hung up, my parent's asked me who it was and I just said a friend from school. They did not know that I had found my mother and met her. It scared me half to death that my nmother called me at my parent's house and I lied to them about who was on the phone. I was bothered all day long with that phone call. I remember feeling that I had betrayed my parents since I did not tell them I found her. Then I felt all alone because I wanted to tell them and for them to be happy for me finding her and getting my questions answered. But I still could not tell them because I didn't know what their reaction was going to be.
I was still processing the fact that all my life people told me that my nmother did not want anything to do with me. And now she met me and is writing me and is showing interest in me. So conflicting thoughts were racing through my mind when I thought about my reunion. Since I wasn't talking with anyone about it, I was having to deal with everything alone. Add that to the fact of me still not wanting a relationship with her.
I can say that my last semester of college was not my best.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Growing Up
When I was growing up, I knew that I would meet my natural mother one day. It was just something that I wanted to do. All I thought about was meeting her and asking her questions that I had about my adoption. That was it. Nothing else. I never once thought that I would ever have a relationship with her. I didn’t feel like I was a part of her or her family.
When I was around 18, I knew it was time for me to get my questions answered and I contacted the adoption agency to find out if they knew where she was located. To my surprise, I found out that in my state I couldn’t ask the agency to locate her without my parent’s permission, unless I wanted to wait until I was 21 years old.
So I got the form for my parent’s to sign, asked them to sign it, and they said they would. But I never gave them the form so they never signed it. They had given me permission to search, but I wanted to do this on my own terms. The state, the agency, and my parents was not allowing me to search on my own terms, therefore, I stopped the search. I needed to search for her when I wanted and with no one else’s permission, especially the state.
I remember a couple of days before I turned 21, I thought the day I turned 21, I was going to walk into the adoption agency and ask them to locate her. That didn’t happen. All of a sudden it was on my terms and I was going to be the one who made the decision, but I didn’t want to search right then. Twenty-one years I had been waiting to meet her, but all of a sudden all the feelings of “what if she doesn’t like me”, “what if I can’t find her”, “what if she has passed away”. All the negative feelings came rushing in for the first time in my life and took over.
Instead of facing the negative feelings, I allowed them to postpone my search.
When I was around 18, I knew it was time for me to get my questions answered and I contacted the adoption agency to find out if they knew where she was located. To my surprise, I found out that in my state I couldn’t ask the agency to locate her without my parent’s permission, unless I wanted to wait until I was 21 years old.
So I got the form for my parent’s to sign, asked them to sign it, and they said they would. But I never gave them the form so they never signed it. They had given me permission to search, but I wanted to do this on my own terms. The state, the agency, and my parents was not allowing me to search on my own terms, therefore, I stopped the search. I needed to search for her when I wanted and with no one else’s permission, especially the state.
I remember a couple of days before I turned 21, I thought the day I turned 21, I was going to walk into the adoption agency and ask them to locate her. That didn’t happen. All of a sudden it was on my terms and I was going to be the one who made the decision, but I didn’t want to search right then. Twenty-one years I had been waiting to meet her, but all of a sudden all the feelings of “what if she doesn’t like me”, “what if I can’t find her”, “what if she has passed away”. All the negative feelings came rushing in for the first time in my life and took over.
Instead of facing the negative feelings, I allowed them to postpone my search.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Adoptee Panel
I went to the adoptive parent's orientation today at the adoption agency and was on the adoptee panel. Can I just say one thing?
Can all you natural mothers meet me somewhere for coffee?
OMG! There was three adoptees there for the panel. We talked about 1 hour to the prospective adoptive parents and answered questions. No big deal, but what got me was the next hour. The adoption agency has three panels: adoptee, natural mother, and adoptive parent. After ours was done, a natural mother sit down to talk with the adoptive parents.
You know, I read a few mother's blogs and they comment here and I feel like I have gotten to know some of them and would love to meet them in person. (Too bad I am not wealthy and have my own plane.) I have never talked with a mother before in person, except for mine. What a difference it makes to talk with someone in person.
Her story was that she got pregnant in her 30s, a little over a year ago, and chose the adoptive parents. She is in an open adoption. She made a couple of points that really hit hard with me.
(1) They are his parents and I am his mother and his adoptive mother is his mother. So he has 2 mothers. But I am not his parent.
(2) That was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.
(3) I gave him up because I wanted him to have a better life than what I could give him. He deserved to be taken care of and be given things that I could not. If I would have kept him, we would be living off welfare and probably be homeless. He deserved better.
(4) Some people say birth mothers are selfish, but we are not. I did this for him; not me.
(5) I was looking at his future; not mine. I did this for him.
Can all you natural mothers meet me somewhere for coffee?
OMG! There was three adoptees there for the panel. We talked about 1 hour to the prospective adoptive parents and answered questions. No big deal, but what got me was the next hour. The adoption agency has three panels: adoptee, natural mother, and adoptive parent. After ours was done, a natural mother sit down to talk with the adoptive parents.
You know, I read a few mother's blogs and they comment here and I feel like I have gotten to know some of them and would love to meet them in person. (Too bad I am not wealthy and have my own plane.) I have never talked with a mother before in person, except for mine. What a difference it makes to talk with someone in person.
Her story was that she got pregnant in her 30s, a little over a year ago, and chose the adoptive parents. She is in an open adoption. She made a couple of points that really hit hard with me.
(1) They are his parents and I am his mother and his adoptive mother is his mother. So he has 2 mothers. But I am not his parent.
(2) That was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.
(3) I gave him up because I wanted him to have a better life than what I could give him. He deserved to be taken care of and be given things that I could not. If I would have kept him, we would be living off welfare and probably be homeless. He deserved better.
(4) Some people say birth mothers are selfish, but we are not. I did this for him; not me.
(5) I was looking at his future; not mine. I did this for him.
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Adoption Agency
Back in 1987, I went to the adoption agency where I was adopted from to find my records and eventually search for my mother. Since then I have become really good friends with several of the workers there. This weekend they invited me to an adopted parent orientation seminar. I will be on an adoptee panel to answer questions that the prospective parents might have. Some of the questions that I know will be asked is:
1. Tell them my story
2. How do I feel about being adopted
3. What advice can I give to adopted parents
But that is not why I am writing this post.
I went to visit with one my friends yesterday at the adoption agency and he asked me how it was going with my mother and I. We ended up talking about the reasons I have on calling her "Mom". His advice was to go ahead and call her that because I would eventually get used to it since I want to call her that anyway. But I told him I couldn't.
"What is the true reason you can not call your mother 'Mom'", he asked.
Because if I do, then she MIGHT change her mind in our relationship or not like me calling her "Mom" and/or get out of our relationship. I can't trust her to stay in our relationship forever yet.
"So it is YOUR problem", he stated.
Yes, it is not her problem. I own it. But I need her help to be able to get past this problem. I need her to act like a mother. The problem is that she is probably acting like a mother to me and I don't see it.
"Then the times she is treating you like a mother, have her tell you. For example, she could look at you and say 'this is me treating you like a mother'. That way you just don't dismiss it. You learn to recognize it", he suggested.
Ok, she probably won't do it, but ok. I'll ask her. The other thing is that when I start treating her like she is my mother, she backs off. I have had one Mom for 40 years and I can go to her for anything. I can call her twice a day for nothing. I can call her every other day just to check in, to talk about the kids, to make future plans, to make sure they are doing ok, etc. This is the ways I treat or talk to my Mom. If I call my nmother more than once every other week, she gets upset. She tells me she doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't care for me to call just to check in.
What gets me is that she talks with her other daughter all the time and sees her almost every day. She would love to talk with my brother more than she does, but he doesn't want to talk to her all the time. So what am I suppose to think? What do I think? That this is more of a friendship, but not rooted. She can take it or leave it.
"Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about all your issues", he said.
Yeah, that would take 3 days, but we would get everything out in the open. But again, she doesn't want to talk about anything.
"You have to remember, 40 years ago, I am sure that we told her that she is not your mother nor would she ever be. Now you asking her to do things that she was told not to do. You are going to have to assure her that it is ok for her to be your mother and do motherly things."
Why does this have to be so hard and challenging?
1. Tell them my story
2. How do I feel about being adopted
3. What advice can I give to adopted parents
But that is not why I am writing this post.
I went to visit with one my friends yesterday at the adoption agency and he asked me how it was going with my mother and I. We ended up talking about the reasons I have on calling her "Mom". His advice was to go ahead and call her that because I would eventually get used to it since I want to call her that anyway. But I told him I couldn't.
"What is the true reason you can not call your mother 'Mom'", he asked.
Because if I do, then she MIGHT change her mind in our relationship or not like me calling her "Mom" and/or get out of our relationship. I can't trust her to stay in our relationship forever yet.
"So it is YOUR problem", he stated.
Yes, it is not her problem. I own it. But I need her help to be able to get past this problem. I need her to act like a mother. The problem is that she is probably acting like a mother to me and I don't see it.
"Then the times she is treating you like a mother, have her tell you. For example, she could look at you and say 'this is me treating you like a mother'. That way you just don't dismiss it. You learn to recognize it", he suggested.
Ok, she probably won't do it, but ok. I'll ask her. The other thing is that when I start treating her like she is my mother, she backs off. I have had one Mom for 40 years and I can go to her for anything. I can call her twice a day for nothing. I can call her every other day just to check in, to talk about the kids, to make future plans, to make sure they are doing ok, etc. This is the ways I treat or talk to my Mom. If I call my nmother more than once every other week, she gets upset. She tells me she doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't care for me to call just to check in.
What gets me is that she talks with her other daughter all the time and sees her almost every day. She would love to talk with my brother more than she does, but he doesn't want to talk to her all the time. So what am I suppose to think? What do I think? That this is more of a friendship, but not rooted. She can take it or leave it.
"Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about all your issues", he said.
Yeah, that would take 3 days, but we would get everything out in the open. But again, she doesn't want to talk about anything.
"You have to remember, 40 years ago, I am sure that we told her that she is not your mother nor would she ever be. Now you asking her to do things that she was told not to do. You are going to have to assure her that it is ok for her to be your mother and do motherly things."
Why does this have to be so hard and challenging?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Is It Enough?
Denise commented on This is my oldest daughter... the following:
"I would have thought that your mother's openness in introducing you would be enough. But it's not, is it? You still feel odd-man-out.
Anyway, not to devalue what you felt, but could you perhaps be overly sensitive? Seeing something you expect to see? "
Don't get me wrong, my mother's openness in introducing me was great. I am not sure if I could go as far as saying "enough", but it was a huge step. I am just not used to it and it really surprised me. It is something that I have really never thought about. I have thought about her saying, "This is my daughter _____", but not "oldest daughter". Until I hear it again and again, I am still not used to it.
Yes, I could say I am overly sensitive. Since we have been around each other for quite awhile, I don't expect to see the looks at all. When I go to my mother's office and visit her every now and then, everyone looks at me a little different. (You could call that staring at me.) It really, really bothers me, but I have learned to accept it almost at her office. I finally asked her the other day, why they do this and she says that the women think I look so much like her and they think it is great that I come visit and am in her life.
Out of the 3 children she has, I do look like her the most. Imagine that.
I still have people who know me and those who don't, tell me I have no business in my mother's life. She gave me up and that was her final decision. I shouldn't expect anything from her and shouldn't have anything to do with "them". Isn't the love my parents gave me and still continue to give me enough for me? Why would I want to hurt my parents?
So the looks and stares and the opinions keep happening and will probably keep happening. Do I try to set people straight on adoption? Depends on what day it is.
"I would have thought that your mother's openness in introducing you would be enough. But it's not, is it? You still feel odd-man-out.
Anyway, not to devalue what you felt, but could you perhaps be overly sensitive? Seeing something you expect to see? "
Don't get me wrong, my mother's openness in introducing me was great. I am not sure if I could go as far as saying "enough", but it was a huge step. I am just not used to it and it really surprised me. It is something that I have really never thought about. I have thought about her saying, "This is my daughter _____", but not "oldest daughter". Until I hear it again and again, I am still not used to it.
Yes, I could say I am overly sensitive. Since we have been around each other for quite awhile, I don't expect to see the looks at all. When I go to my mother's office and visit her every now and then, everyone looks at me a little different. (You could call that staring at me.) It really, really bothers me, but I have learned to accept it almost at her office. I finally asked her the other day, why they do this and she says that the women think I look so much like her and they think it is great that I come visit and am in her life.
Out of the 3 children she has, I do look like her the most. Imagine that.
I still have people who know me and those who don't, tell me I have no business in my mother's life. She gave me up and that was her final decision. I shouldn't expect anything from her and shouldn't have anything to do with "them". Isn't the love my parents gave me and still continue to give me enough for me? Why would I want to hurt my parents?
So the looks and stares and the opinions keep happening and will probably keep happening. Do I try to set people straight on adoption? Depends on what day it is.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Going From Point A To Z in 2 Steps
I was just thinking the other day that it has almost been a year since I have been in my natural family's life again. This is the longest time that I have been in their life, except for my half brother. We have been in each other's life for 18 years. I was thinking that I still don't feel secure in my relationship with my nmother. I guess being in and out of her life for almost 19 years and in her life completely in almost the last year, still doesn't make me secure. Why is that?
I can say that it is easier to get out of a relationship than to stay in one. It sure was easier to walk away years ago. It was a little hard to get in her life in the past, but much easier to walk away and leave the relationship.
Some of the reasons for my insecurity are:
When it comes to security, I think we are both in the same boat. We have never talked about it, but I think that one day she will decide that she doesn't want to have this relationship and ask me to not come back. Why do I think that? Cause I can't get emails and letters that were written to me from her months ago out of my thoughts. When the going got tough, she called it quits last winter. I am the one that kept the relationship going and said "no, the relationship was not going to end. What do I need to do to fix this?" I think we are in the same boat, because I think she thinks I will eventually walk away from our relationship. She doesn't trust that I am in this relationship forever. So neither of us trusts the other to be committed.
I feel like I am suppose to be the mature, grown-up child. I am suppose to have no problems, kids that act right, financially secure, great job, and no worries about anything. But that is not who I am or who I have become. I am just like her other children, but a little different in many ways. I think that I am an ordinary mature person, but my job drives me crazy some times, my kids are definitely not perfect and are boys who get into trouble some times, and I worry about some things. Was I suppose to be raised where I was perfect and then find my nmother to show her that I am perfect with no flaws? Or is she supposed to be a perfect mother that I never had with no flaws? Neither exists. Are we looking for something in each other that doesn't exists?
I am the type of person that would rather go from point A to point Z bypassing B through Y. Hey, I don't have time to fool around with B through Y. I have 50 million things to do, and B through Y will just slow me down. But I am learning that every time I skip a point in my relationship, I end up having to go back two or more points and start over. Skipping points has made me lose my security and when I go from one point to the other without skipping, my security strengthens me and our relationship.
I think I should be at point Z right now, but am I really at point A? "A" meaning each year that you are consistently with the other person. It has been almost 11 months for us.
How about point R? Since we met 18 years ago?
Point K? 11 months we have consistently been together.
When I think of my adoptive family, I am definitely beyond point Z. Where is that? Freedom! Freedom to not worry about our relationship. Freedom to know I can call just to say "Hi" or go visit just because I want to. Freedom to know that love does not come with a price. Yeah, freedom.
I can say that it is easier to get out of a relationship than to stay in one. It sure was easier to walk away years ago. It was a little hard to get in her life in the past, but much easier to walk away and leave the relationship.
Some of the reasons for my insecurity are:
When it comes to security, I think we are both in the same boat. We have never talked about it, but I think that one day she will decide that she doesn't want to have this relationship and ask me to not come back. Why do I think that? Cause I can't get emails and letters that were written to me from her months ago out of my thoughts. When the going got tough, she called it quits last winter. I am the one that kept the relationship going and said "no, the relationship was not going to end. What do I need to do to fix this?" I think we are in the same boat, because I think she thinks I will eventually walk away from our relationship. She doesn't trust that I am in this relationship forever. So neither of us trusts the other to be committed.
I feel like I am suppose to be the mature, grown-up child. I am suppose to have no problems, kids that act right, financially secure, great job, and no worries about anything. But that is not who I am or who I have become. I am just like her other children, but a little different in many ways. I think that I am an ordinary mature person, but my job drives me crazy some times, my kids are definitely not perfect and are boys who get into trouble some times, and I worry about some things. Was I suppose to be raised where I was perfect and then find my nmother to show her that I am perfect with no flaws? Or is she supposed to be a perfect mother that I never had with no flaws? Neither exists. Are we looking for something in each other that doesn't exists?
I am the type of person that would rather go from point A to point Z bypassing B through Y. Hey, I don't have time to fool around with B through Y. I have 50 million things to do, and B through Y will just slow me down. But I am learning that every time I skip a point in my relationship, I end up having to go back two or more points and start over. Skipping points has made me lose my security and when I go from one point to the other without skipping, my security strengthens me and our relationship.
I think I should be at point Z right now, but am I really at point A? "A" meaning each year that you are consistently with the other person. It has been almost 11 months for us.
How about point R? Since we met 18 years ago?
Point K? 11 months we have consistently been together.
When I think of my adoptive family, I am definitely beyond point Z. Where is that? Freedom! Freedom to not worry about our relationship. Freedom to know I can call just to say "Hi" or go visit just because I want to. Freedom to know that love does not come with a price. Yeah, freedom.
Monday, July 21, 2008
This is my oldest daughter...
This weekend my children and I went to my nmother's house. I took the boys with me because my half-sister invited us to her daughter's birthday pool party. Even though I didn't feel obligated to go because she is my half-sister, I felt privileged to go. This is the first time she has invited me to anything. The boys had a great time at the party swimming and enjoyed being around everyone.
But I have to say, I don't like get togethers still. There were lots of people at the party and even cousins that I had never met. My mother introduced me to almost everyone there. Every time she would introduce me, she would say, "This is my oldest daughter ____". It was very different for me to hear it. I am the only daughter and the youngest in my adoptive family.
So now it is all in the open that I am the "oldest daughter". Ok, I can handle that now. The problem lies in the fact that most of the people she introduced me to knows the situation or did not know that there was another daughter in the family.
Let's go with they knew about me. I don't know if every adoptee goes through this, but when I was introduced to people that knew that "I was the one put up for adoption years ago", they would have that look in their eye. It is really hard to describe, but it was like, "oh, you are the one that came back into this family's life. You are the one that doesn't belong. Why can't you just stay away." Oh yeah, the look of "you do not belong here". "You are not part of this family." Yes, people can be kind and shake hands and say that they are glad to meet you, but it's that look they give you that means the most.
Now for the "they didn't know there was another daughter in the family." That look is not quite as bad but there is a "I didn't know there was another daughter. I thought (my sister's name) only had a brother. She has never spoken about a sister." You can tell that all this is going through a person's head when they meet me because they have been around my sister for years and I was never spoken of.
So how does this make me feel? Like I don't belong. When I am with my adoptive family, I feel like I belong because I have a history with them and we love each other very much. When I am with my natural family, I truly, deep down feel like I belong until something pops up and reminds me that I don't belong to my natural family. I am suppose to stay outside the circle and peek in. Granted, some times I even get to walk in the circle and enjoy it, but then I must eventually walk out and go back to my spot and peek in.
I really thought that some day the "stares" and the "looks" would end. It has with my immediate natural family, but with everyone else, it hasn't. I think I need to realize that the "stares" and the "looks" will never end. I feel like I have the word "ADOPTED" written on my forehead and I can't scrub it off.
But I have to say, I don't like get togethers still. There were lots of people at the party and even cousins that I had never met. My mother introduced me to almost everyone there. Every time she would introduce me, she would say, "This is my oldest daughter ____". It was very different for me to hear it. I am the only daughter and the youngest in my adoptive family.
So now it is all in the open that I am the "oldest daughter". Ok, I can handle that now. The problem lies in the fact that most of the people she introduced me to knows the situation or did not know that there was another daughter in the family.
Let's go with they knew about me. I don't know if every adoptee goes through this, but when I was introduced to people that knew that "I was the one put up for adoption years ago", they would have that look in their eye. It is really hard to describe, but it was like, "oh, you are the one that came back into this family's life. You are the one that doesn't belong. Why can't you just stay away." Oh yeah, the look of "you do not belong here". "You are not part of this family." Yes, people can be kind and shake hands and say that they are glad to meet you, but it's that look they give you that means the most.
Now for the "they didn't know there was another daughter in the family." That look is not quite as bad but there is a "I didn't know there was another daughter. I thought (my sister's name) only had a brother. She has never spoken about a sister." You can tell that all this is going through a person's head when they meet me because they have been around my sister for years and I was never spoken of.
So how does this make me feel? Like I don't belong. When I am with my adoptive family, I feel like I belong because I have a history with them and we love each other very much. When I am with my natural family, I truly, deep down feel like I belong until something pops up and reminds me that I don't belong to my natural family. I am suppose to stay outside the circle and peek in. Granted, some times I even get to walk in the circle and enjoy it, but then I must eventually walk out and go back to my spot and peek in.
I really thought that some day the "stares" and the "looks" would end. It has with my immediate natural family, but with everyone else, it hasn't. I think I need to realize that the "stares" and the "looks" will never end. I feel like I have the word "ADOPTED" written on my forehead and I can't scrub it off.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Knowing Me
I have never questioned my relationship with my aparents. I know that no matter what, they will always be there for me if I need them. There are probably many, many times that I have disappointed my parents. Some of my choices that I have made in life, they have questioned. But it does not surprise them when I make the choices, because they know me and they know who I have become.
I question my relationship with my nmother. I have no clue if she would be there for me if I needed her. There are many, many times that I have disappointed her. She questions almost everything I do in life. She knows me, but she does not know the person I have become.
I think that my mother does not like the person I have become. Even though my brother, who is 5 years younger than me, acts just like me, and his and my mannerism are a lot alike, I am the sheep that doesn't belong to the flock.
I feel like she wishes that she wouldn't have put me up for adoption, then I would have turned out differently. I think she thinks I would be a different person if she would have raised me. Therefore, even though I am her daughter, she does not accept the person I have become.
My sister, who is 4 years younger than me, is very independent. She can manage her finances and does not have to be around family all the time. She thinks through most of her choices before making major decisions. She is a single mother to her daughter, but she does depend on our mother to help with babysitting if needed. She is friendly to others and seems to make friends easy. She is very outgoing and loves to work with children coaching different sports teams.
My brother is so far from being independent. He can not manage his finances and has to be around family a lot. He will make choices that are not great, at a moment's notice, and not even think about the consequences to his decisions. He has lived with his girlfriend for over 5 years with his son and recently in April finally married her. He has a daughter who lives in another state with her mother. I would not nominate him as father of the year, in fact, I would nominate him as one of the worst father's of the year. He is friendly, but has a sailor's mouth on him. Well, really his mouth is worse than a sailor's. He is constantly doing something all the time because he hardly can sit down and just enjoy sitting there. Common sense comes easy to him and he can almost fix anything.
Now me, I am a combination of both. Like my sister, I am very independent, single mother. I can manage my finances very well. I think through most of my choices before making major decisions. I am friendly to others and make friends very easily. I am very outgoing and love coaching girls softball. I am like my brother in the fact that I can't sit down and just enjoy the moment of doing nothing. I have to be constantly doing something. I help others if they ask and some times help even if they don't ask. Common sense comes easy for me and I can almost fix anything.
So the question I have is if I am the first born that has common traits of both my siblings, why can't my mother know the person I have become? Why can't she even like the person I have become? My answer: Because she didn't raise me. She thinks it would be different if she would have raised me therefore she can't accept the person I have become. She sees that my life and the decisions I have made are going great and God has blessed me with many, many things. She wonders if I would be where I am today if she would have raised me. She doesn't feel worthy enough to be my mother.
Is this true? Am I thinking right? Or am I so far out there that I have it all wrong?
I question my relationship with my nmother. I have no clue if she would be there for me if I needed her. There are many, many times that I have disappointed her. She questions almost everything I do in life. She knows me, but she does not know the person I have become.
I think that my mother does not like the person I have become. Even though my brother, who is 5 years younger than me, acts just like me, and his and my mannerism are a lot alike, I am the sheep that doesn't belong to the flock.
I feel like she wishes that she wouldn't have put me up for adoption, then I would have turned out differently. I think she thinks I would be a different person if she would have raised me. Therefore, even though I am her daughter, she does not accept the person I have become.
My sister, who is 4 years younger than me, is very independent. She can manage her finances and does not have to be around family all the time. She thinks through most of her choices before making major decisions. She is a single mother to her daughter, but she does depend on our mother to help with babysitting if needed. She is friendly to others and seems to make friends easy. She is very outgoing and loves to work with children coaching different sports teams.
My brother is so far from being independent. He can not manage his finances and has to be around family a lot. He will make choices that are not great, at a moment's notice, and not even think about the consequences to his decisions. He has lived with his girlfriend for over 5 years with his son and recently in April finally married her. He has a daughter who lives in another state with her mother. I would not nominate him as father of the year, in fact, I would nominate him as one of the worst father's of the year. He is friendly, but has a sailor's mouth on him. Well, really his mouth is worse than a sailor's. He is constantly doing something all the time because he hardly can sit down and just enjoy sitting there. Common sense comes easy to him and he can almost fix anything.
Now me, I am a combination of both. Like my sister, I am very independent, single mother. I can manage my finances very well. I think through most of my choices before making major decisions. I am friendly to others and make friends very easily. I am very outgoing and love coaching girls softball. I am like my brother in the fact that I can't sit down and just enjoy the moment of doing nothing. I have to be constantly doing something. I help others if they ask and some times help even if they don't ask. Common sense comes easy for me and I can almost fix anything.
So the question I have is if I am the first born that has common traits of both my siblings, why can't my mother know the person I have become? Why can't she even like the person I have become? My answer: Because she didn't raise me. She thinks it would be different if she would have raised me therefore she can't accept the person I have become. She sees that my life and the decisions I have made are going great and God has blessed me with many, many things. She wonders if I would be where I am today if she would have raised me. She doesn't feel worthy enough to be my mother.
Is this true? Am I thinking right? Or am I so far out there that I have it all wrong?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Now Look At All This Mess You Have Gotten Us Into
Yesterday was not a good day to be an adoptee. If you read yesterday's post, you can tell how frustrated I get some days when new things are learned. It makes me think of what one adoptee had told me recently.
"Some days I wished I wasn't in this mess that my mother created."
Yeah, I have those thoughts too I have to admit. Now they are getting fewer and far between. My mother is in her late 50s and I am not sure if I will ever get the true story of my adoption process. She won't talk to me about it. She has even said "If I could fix it, I would." Now that tells me "what do you need me, as your mother, to do to help you through this?" Apparently what she said doesn't mean what I think it means. Therefore, I have no clue what she means. I even asked her the last time I saw her what did she mean, and she just looked at me shaking her head.
So this reminds me of my earlier days when I was very young. I would think, "I really wished my mother would at least try to fix how I feel about her and adoption. If she would just try." Now, I just have to keep telling myself that one day the doors are going to open wide up and everything will be great.
"Some days I wished I wasn't in this mess that my mother created."
Yeah, I have those thoughts too I have to admit. Now they are getting fewer and far between. My mother is in her late 50s and I am not sure if I will ever get the true story of my adoption process. She won't talk to me about it. She has even said "If I could fix it, I would." Now that tells me "what do you need me, as your mother, to do to help you through this?" Apparently what she said doesn't mean what I think it means. Therefore, I have no clue what she means. I even asked her the last time I saw her what did she mean, and she just looked at me shaking her head.
So this reminds me of my earlier days when I was very young. I would think, "I really wished my mother would at least try to fix how I feel about her and adoption. If she would just try." Now, I just have to keep telling myself that one day the doors are going to open wide up and everything will be great.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Processed
First of all, Cedar, the last sentence in your comment on my last blog was ok. I did not take it the wrong way. And thank you for your comments because I never think of this stuff that my mother might be going through without you mother's comments.
As far as "sneaking around behind my a-parent's back" to see my mother, I don't have to do that anymore. At first yes, I did because I didn't want to have to hear about it from them. I didn't want to have to hear, "you are going to see her again." "Don't you have things to do at your house." "You are gone all the time, can't you just stay home for once." "You need to spend some time with your boys." "Why don't you come and spend some time with us." OMG! I have heard every comment known to man by my a-parents. Luckily I just blow it off most of the time. And then some times I look at my a-mother and assure her that she is important in my life also and that I am not leaving them behind.
I don't think my n-mother feels bad that I used to have to sneak around to see her. Right now she has this, "I don't want to know what your parent's think about our relationship" thing going. It is almost like both of my mothers are battling for my time and it drives me absolute crazy. I start feeling like a possession and they are battling out who really owns me. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
So, now when I go visit my nmother, I end up telling my amother where I am going and usually she doesn't say anything. That was a load off my back when I quit sneaking around.
On the "are you certain you even want a mother-daughter relationship with her". I would love to say YES, I AM. But I am not really 100% sure that I want that. That goes back to that thing of me calling her "Mom". I just can't seem to do it. I feel myself backing away from the mother-daughter relationship because I am starting to think that my mother is backing away from it.
OMG these second guesses and the thoughts that run through our heads. This stuff makes me want to give up. Really!!
Ok, back to reality and not giving up....
You might want to read Cedar's comment on the previous post before reading further....
I would be really interested also in what she processed through the last 14 years. Did she just call it quits on our relationship? I would say so. Did she grieve on the process. Yeah, I don't think so. Since she won't tell me, then I have to assume that she just figured that I didn't want to be a part of her life so she wasn't going to push it or have any contact with me. Like I have said previously, she never wrote, emailed, called, or came to visit. Oh, she was capable of picking up that phone and even had my phone number, but she didn't. So she pretty much wrote me off.
I was even thinking today that in the last few years, I would call her on her cell phone and it would go to voicemail. She knew who was calling her, uh..., I am assuming she had my phone number in her cell. Crude, she might have not even put me in her cell. Anyway, if my number was not in her cell, she new my area code and I would think she would have known that it was me calling her. So I would get her voicemail and wouldn't leave a message; just hung up. Did she call me back? NO!
Where is this all coming from? I still haven't dealt with some of the past yet. I still haven't dealt with calling her "Mom". I am at the point where I either need to drop the past totally and never have my questions answered, or I ask my mother and take a chance of ruining our relationship by asking questions she doesn't want to answer.
And Suz, I really hate to say this, but if you want to know how I was at 21 years old, look at your daughter and the way she acts toward you. Yep, that was me back then. So, I am sorry for what you are having to go through.
As far as "sneaking around behind my a-parent's back" to see my mother, I don't have to do that anymore. At first yes, I did because I didn't want to have to hear about it from them. I didn't want to have to hear, "you are going to see her again." "Don't you have things to do at your house." "You are gone all the time, can't you just stay home for once." "You need to spend some time with your boys." "Why don't you come and spend some time with us." OMG! I have heard every comment known to man by my a-parents. Luckily I just blow it off most of the time. And then some times I look at my a-mother and assure her that she is important in my life also and that I am not leaving them behind.
I don't think my n-mother feels bad that I used to have to sneak around to see her. Right now she has this, "I don't want to know what your parent's think about our relationship" thing going. It is almost like both of my mothers are battling for my time and it drives me absolute crazy. I start feeling like a possession and they are battling out who really owns me. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
So, now when I go visit my nmother, I end up telling my amother where I am going and usually she doesn't say anything. That was a load off my back when I quit sneaking around.
On the "are you certain you even want a mother-daughter relationship with her". I would love to say YES, I AM. But I am not really 100% sure that I want that. That goes back to that thing of me calling her "Mom". I just can't seem to do it. I feel myself backing away from the mother-daughter relationship because I am starting to think that my mother is backing away from it.
OMG these second guesses and the thoughts that run through our heads. This stuff makes me want to give up. Really!!
Ok, back to reality and not giving up....
You might want to read Cedar's comment on the previous post before reading further....
I would be really interested also in what she processed through the last 14 years. Did she just call it quits on our relationship? I would say so. Did she grieve on the process. Yeah, I don't think so. Since she won't tell me, then I have to assume that she just figured that I didn't want to be a part of her life so she wasn't going to push it or have any contact with me. Like I have said previously, she never wrote, emailed, called, or came to visit. Oh, she was capable of picking up that phone and even had my phone number, but she didn't. So she pretty much wrote me off.
I was even thinking today that in the last few years, I would call her on her cell phone and it would go to voicemail. She knew who was calling her, uh..., I am assuming she had my phone number in her cell. Crude, she might have not even put me in her cell. Anyway, if my number was not in her cell, she new my area code and I would think she would have known that it was me calling her. So I would get her voicemail and wouldn't leave a message; just hung up. Did she call me back? NO!
Where is this all coming from? I still haven't dealt with some of the past yet. I still haven't dealt with calling her "Mom". I am at the point where I either need to drop the past totally and never have my questions answered, or I ask my mother and take a chance of ruining our relationship by asking questions she doesn't want to answer.
And Suz, I really hate to say this, but if you want to know how I was at 21 years old, look at your daughter and the way she acts toward you. Yep, that was me back then. So, I am sorry for what you are having to go through.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Unlearning
Cedar had an interesting comment on my Why Oh Why post. She was very on target with her comments.
Yes, my mother wanted a mother-daughter relationship when we first met 18 years ago when I was 21 years old. But I shot that down after a few months of contact because I didn't go into my reunion to have a relationship with my mother. I found her to answer the questions I had had all my life. That was it. In fact my letter to her was, "thank you for meeting with me. I really appreciate you answering all the questions that I asked you and that was my whole purpose of meeting you. I do not want a relationship with you and I am sorry that I can't give that to you."
Now, don't shake your head in disgust. That was a long, long time ago and I was very young. As I was growing up, I had questions about my adoption that no one could answer except for my mother. My goal was to meet her, see what she looks like, ask her questions, tell her I was ok, and go on about my life. That was it. I NEVER, EVER imagined having a relationship with her especially a mother-daughter relationship. I didn't think I needed that. So after meeting with her, I had gotten everything I needed and never thought about what she wanted. After many letters (thank goodness we didn't have Internet back then), I felt that I couldn't handle her wanting something more than I wanted and thought I needed to tell her that I didn't want a relationship. Gosh, if I could go back in time and tell that 21 year old that it was ok to build a relationship or even consider a relationship with my mother, I would.
So here we are. After Cedar's comment, I never considered that my mother might still be keeping that in the back of her head. Does she have to relearn the last 18 years? I have moved on and am ready for a relationship. Why can't she? If I am part of her, and I can change my mind and rethink things, why can't she? Or am I more like my natural father? Is he like this and she is not? Don't know since I can't find him.
"Did she get counseling?", cedar asked. I do remember that 14 years ago, when we were sort of trying to build a relationship, she did finally go see a counselor to talk with, but I don't know what came of that. I am sure he told her that she could never have a mother-daughter relationship with me, so maybe she is going off of that. If that is the case, that was so many years ago, can we not make our own decisions now?
Cedar also said, "I wonder what your mother's expectations now are, what she feels are the boundaries she must respect, and if she feels that she must keep ALL her emotions and hopes to herself."
To answer this I must say, I am not a self-centered, it is all about me, person. Really I am not. But I do feel that I am the only one that is having issues about our relationship. I don't think my mother is having issues because she doesn't talk about them, or even give the slightest hint that she has issues. So that being said, my mother has expectations? boundaries she thinks she has to respect? and she feels she has to keep ALL her emotions and hopes to herself? You are kidding, right? I have never thought about this. My answer would be she doesn't care about all this, well, maybe the boundaries, but they are for her. I would think she is keeping boundaries for herself so that she doesn't get hurt, because she (I don't think) is confident enough to know that I am in this relationship for good and won't walk away.
Cedar's last comment: "This might sound harsh, but from my own experience my guess is that you taught her for 18 years that you don't want her as a mother -- this lesson she learned may take a LONG time to unlearn, if she can "unlearn" it at all."
Are you kidding? No way!!! I really get what happened in the BSE years and what happened to our mothers back then, but why can't she just decide to be happy. "Hey my daughter is finally back in my life, so now I am going to be happy and look to the future; not the past." If I can get past being angry for 39 years of my life, then why can't she get past her issues?
Can we not get in the same boat and flow down the river together?
Yes, my mother wanted a mother-daughter relationship when we first met 18 years ago when I was 21 years old. But I shot that down after a few months of contact because I didn't go into my reunion to have a relationship with my mother. I found her to answer the questions I had had all my life. That was it. In fact my letter to her was, "thank you for meeting with me. I really appreciate you answering all the questions that I asked you and that was my whole purpose of meeting you. I do not want a relationship with you and I am sorry that I can't give that to you."
Now, don't shake your head in disgust. That was a long, long time ago and I was very young. As I was growing up, I had questions about my adoption that no one could answer except for my mother. My goal was to meet her, see what she looks like, ask her questions, tell her I was ok, and go on about my life. That was it. I NEVER, EVER imagined having a relationship with her especially a mother-daughter relationship. I didn't think I needed that. So after meeting with her, I had gotten everything I needed and never thought about what she wanted. After many letters (thank goodness we didn't have Internet back then), I felt that I couldn't handle her wanting something more than I wanted and thought I needed to tell her that I didn't want a relationship. Gosh, if I could go back in time and tell that 21 year old that it was ok to build a relationship or even consider a relationship with my mother, I would.
So here we are. After Cedar's comment, I never considered that my mother might still be keeping that in the back of her head. Does she have to relearn the last 18 years? I have moved on and am ready for a relationship. Why can't she? If I am part of her, and I can change my mind and rethink things, why can't she? Or am I more like my natural father? Is he like this and she is not? Don't know since I can't find him.
"Did she get counseling?", cedar asked. I do remember that 14 years ago, when we were sort of trying to build a relationship, she did finally go see a counselor to talk with, but I don't know what came of that. I am sure he told her that she could never have a mother-daughter relationship with me, so maybe she is going off of that. If that is the case, that was so many years ago, can we not make our own decisions now?
Cedar also said, "I wonder what your mother's expectations now are, what she feels are the boundaries she must respect, and if she feels that she must keep ALL her emotions and hopes to herself."
To answer this I must say, I am not a self-centered, it is all about me, person. Really I am not. But I do feel that I am the only one that is having issues about our relationship. I don't think my mother is having issues because she doesn't talk about them, or even give the slightest hint that she has issues. So that being said, my mother has expectations? boundaries she thinks she has to respect? and she feels she has to keep ALL her emotions and hopes to herself? You are kidding, right? I have never thought about this. My answer would be she doesn't care about all this, well, maybe the boundaries, but they are for her. I would think she is keeping boundaries for herself so that she doesn't get hurt, because she (I don't think) is confident enough to know that I am in this relationship for good and won't walk away.
Cedar's last comment: "This might sound harsh, but from my own experience my guess is that you taught her for 18 years that you don't want her as a mother -- this lesson she learned may take a LONG time to unlearn, if she can "unlearn" it at all."
Are you kidding? No way!!! I really get what happened in the BSE years and what happened to our mothers back then, but why can't she just decide to be happy. "Hey my daughter is finally back in my life, so now I am going to be happy and look to the future; not the past." If I can get past being angry for 39 years of my life, then why can't she get past her issues?
Can we not get in the same boat and flow down the river together?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Why Oh Why
Suz commented on my "Mom" post with the following:
"Do you have any idea why you dont feel comfortable with it? Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? Or do you feel your first mom doesn't deserve the title or the term of endearment? Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her?"
Let me see if I can answer these:
Do you have any idea why you don't feel comfortable with it? I have thought about this since she asked me to call her Mom. I am uncomfortable because I have never thought of her as my Mom before. I have thought of her as my mother, but never Mom. She has never treated me like she is my Mom. I think that is why I am uncomfortable with it, because she doesn't treat me like she is my Mom. She treats me like I am the step-child that is here and no one can get rid of. (that's another story)
Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? I use to think that I was being disloyal to my adoptive mom, but now I don't feel that way. My natural mother did ask me what would happen if I messed up and called my nmother "Mom" in front of my adoptive mom. Uh...I dunno know. I would probably come up with something clever to dismiss it. Do I call this disloyalty? No, but you might.
Or do you feel your first mom doesn't deserve the title or the term of endearment? Wow, what a tough question. You might think this is stupid and I am trying to be honest here, but if the question was about "term of endearment", then yes, she deserves to be called Mom. But, if the question was "does she deserve the title?" Deep down? How do I really feel? No. I am still not there yet. Which brings me to the next question:
Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her? YES!!! And I am having problems figuring out how to get them resolved. She won't help. So until I get them resolved I really don't think I can call her Mom.
With that being said, I still would really, really, really like to call her that, but just can't. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
"Do you have any idea why you dont feel comfortable with it? Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? Or do you feel your first mom doesn't deserve the title or the term of endearment? Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her?"
Let me see if I can answer these:
Do you have any idea why you don't feel comfortable with it? I have thought about this since she asked me to call her Mom. I am uncomfortable because I have never thought of her as my Mom before. I have thought of her as my mother, but never Mom. She has never treated me like she is my Mom. I think that is why I am uncomfortable with it, because she doesn't treat me like she is my Mom. She treats me like I am the step-child that is here and no one can get rid of. (that's another story)
Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? I use to think that I was being disloyal to my adoptive mom, but now I don't feel that way. My natural mother did ask me what would happen if I messed up and called my nmother "Mom" in front of my adoptive mom. Uh...I dunno know. I would probably come up with something clever to dismiss it. Do I call this disloyalty? No, but you might.
Or do you feel your first mom doesn't deserve the title or the term of endearment? Wow, what a tough question. You might think this is stupid and I am trying to be honest here, but if the question was about "term of endearment", then yes, she deserves to be called Mom. But, if the question was "does she deserve the title?" Deep down? How do I really feel? No. I am still not there yet. Which brings me to the next question:
Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her? YES!!! And I am having problems figuring out how to get them resolved. She won't help. So until I get them resolved I really don't think I can call her Mom.
With that being said, I still would really, really, really like to call her that, but just can't. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Mom
Unfortunately, I am still stuck on what to call my mother. I have determined that calling her by her first name for me is being disrespectful to her. She means more to me than just calling her by her name. So if I won't call her by her name, then what else can I call her besides "Mom". Yeah, nothing. There is either call her by her name or "Mom". There is nothing in between.
This is driving me crazy though. I am even to the point of talking with my friends on the reason why I just can't seem to call her Mom when I am talking to her. I can call her Mom on this blog or even when I am talking about her to other people, but when it comes to calling her Mom "to her", well, I just can't seem to do it.
I even thought maybe if I would talk to her about it, she might have a suggestion or so. Yeah, that didn't work either. She even is getting frustrated with me talking to her about it. Her comment was, "I want you to call me Mom when you are comfortable. If you have a problem with it then just call me by my name."
"No, I really, really, really, really, really want to call you Mom but I just can't seem to do it. Ok, ok, here is the deal. If I call you Mom and you decide that you don't like me doing that and you change your mind, I can't go back. It would kill me. I have no guarantee right now that you won't change your mind or even stay in this relationship. I am sorry that I am so insecure about our relationship", I said.
And then she didn't say anything.
The next day, I spoke up again about it and said, "I really wished you would help me out with this."
"If I could, I would." She said. "If I could fix it I would. I don't even know where to start."
So I am out here in "what to do" land with no help.
Did I ever say how much I hate adoption!
This is driving me crazy though. I am even to the point of talking with my friends on the reason why I just can't seem to call her Mom when I am talking to her. I can call her Mom on this blog or even when I am talking about her to other people, but when it comes to calling her Mom "to her", well, I just can't seem to do it.
I even thought maybe if I would talk to her about it, she might have a suggestion or so. Yeah, that didn't work either. She even is getting frustrated with me talking to her about it. Her comment was, "I want you to call me Mom when you are comfortable. If you have a problem with it then just call me by my name."
"No, I really, really, really, really, really want to call you Mom but I just can't seem to do it. Ok, ok, here is the deal. If I call you Mom and you decide that you don't like me doing that and you change your mind, I can't go back. It would kill me. I have no guarantee right now that you won't change your mind or even stay in this relationship. I am sorry that I am so insecure about our relationship", I said.
And then she didn't say anything.
The next day, I spoke up again about it and said, "I really wished you would help me out with this."
"If I could, I would." She said. "If I could fix it I would. I don't even know where to start."
So I am out here in "what to do" land with no help.
Did I ever say how much I hate adoption!
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