Checking In

It has been a long time since I blogged. There are several reasons why I quit. The main reason being that in July I got really sick and am now starting to get healthy again finally. Blogging or even checking on other blogs was not on the list of things that I felt like doing during this sickness.

The other reason is that my relationship with my natural mother will always be just the way it has always been for the last 20 years of my life. I will not be a part of her family. I will be that "thing" in the past that she wished she could erase.

I wouldn't call what we have a "relationship". She still calls about once a month, but the conversations last about 3 - 5 minutes. In fact, during my sickness, she didn't call to ask how I was doing. Of course, my parents called all the time and came to visit a lot.

How do I feel about this? I have pretty much come to terms about it. My life is back to normal after reuniting again with her 2 years ago. I have a great relationship with my parents again. I do wish that she could be a natural mother who wouldn't let her guilt or her other daughter make her decisions for her. She doesn't invite me to family gatherings because she doesn't want to upset her other daughter. This will never change.

Since I have a great relationship with my parents now, any time I mention them to her or say I did something with them, the conversations with her ends right then. Even in emails. If I say something about them, she won't send another email for a month. I am not sure why she has decided to get upset when I mention them, but my parents are the ones that took care of me and she has no right to dismiss them or get angry with me when I mention them. They are a part of my life just like she is a part of my life.

So, my so called relationship with her is just there. I don't call her because every time I used to call she would say, "what do you want." I don't worry any more if she is going to call because I allow her to run the relationship the way she wants to. She doesn't ask me to visit anymore. Haven't seen her since March. That's the way she wants it. So my life continues on.