Processed

First of all, Cedar, the last sentence in your comment on my last blog was ok. I did not take it the wrong way. And thank you for your comments because I never think of this stuff that my mother might be going through without you mother's comments.

As far as "sneaking around behind my a-parent's back" to see my mother, I don't have to do that anymore. At first yes, I did because I didn't want to have to hear about it from them. I didn't want to have to hear, "you are going to see her again." "Don't you have things to do at your house." "You are gone all the time, can't you just stay home for once." "You need to spend some time with your boys." "Why don't you come and spend some time with us." OMG! I have heard every comment known to man by my a-parents. Luckily I just blow it off most of the time. And then some times I look at my a-mother and assure her that she is important in my life also and that I am not leaving them behind.

I don't think my n-mother feels bad that I used to have to sneak around to see her. Right now she has this, "I don't want to know what your parent's think about our relationship" thing going. It is almost like both of my mothers are battling for my time and it drives me absolute crazy. I start feeling like a possession and they are battling out who really owns me. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

So, now when I go visit my nmother, I end up telling my amother where I am going and usually she doesn't say anything. That was a load off my back when I quit sneaking around.

On the "are you certain you even want a mother-daughter relationship with her". I would love to say YES, I AM. But I am not really 100% sure that I want that. That goes back to that thing of me calling her "Mom". I just can't seem to do it. I feel myself backing away from the mother-daughter relationship because I am starting to think that my mother is backing away from it.

OMG these second guesses and the thoughts that run through our heads. This stuff makes me want to give up. Really!!

Ok, back to reality and not giving up....

You might want to read Cedar's comment on the previous post before reading further....

I would be really interested also in what she processed through the last 14 years. Did she just call it quits on our relationship? I would say so. Did she grieve on the process. Yeah, I don't think so. Since she won't tell me, then I have to assume that she just figured that I didn't want to be a part of her life so she wasn't going to push it or have any contact with me. Like I have said previously, she never wrote, emailed, called, or came to visit. Oh, she was capable of picking up that phone and even had my phone number, but she didn't. So she pretty much wrote me off.

I was even thinking today that in the last few years, I would call her on her cell phone and it would go to voicemail. She knew who was calling her, uh..., I am assuming she had my phone number in her cell. Crude, she might have not even put me in her cell. Anyway, if my number was not in her cell, she new my area code and I would think she would have known that it was me calling her. So I would get her voicemail and wouldn't leave a message; just hung up. Did she call me back? NO!

Where is this all coming from? I still haven't dealt with some of the past yet. I still haven't dealt with calling her "Mom". I am at the point where I either need to drop the past totally and never have my questions answered, or I ask my mother and take a chance of ruining our relationship by asking questions she doesn't want to answer.

And Suz, I really hate to say this, but if you want to know how I was at 21 years old, look at your daughter and the way she acts toward you. Yep, that was me back then. So, I am sorry for what you are having to go through.