There have been a lot of comments to Suz’s blog Condundrums. I decided to comment on this, but since my comment is too long for her blog, I wrote it here.
I really don’t think it is just adoptees who go into a reunion and start suggesting things that their mother/father can do to be different. I believe that mothers/fathers do the same thing. Growing up adopted, I always imagined or fantasized my natural mother as being perfect. Yes, I said perfect, even though she put me up for adoption. As a child, I had to fantasize her being this way, because I couldn’t understand why she would give me up. When people would tell me “it was the best thing for you”, “she didn’t want you”, “you should be happy that your adoptive parents wanted you”, “you have the best parents now, why would you need or want her”.
To be able to cope with these comments, I had to imagine her being perfect so it would cancel out these comments and I could cope with being adopted or that she chose not to raise me.
When my adoptive parents would discipline me when I was a young child, I would think that life would be better if I could just live with my natural mother. I thought that she would never discipline me because she would just love me for you I was and I wouldn’t get into trouble. As I grew older, I started to think that my natural mother was living the perfect life. She had a lot of money, a husband, other children, and didn’t want me around. If she wanted me around, she would come get me and want me in her family. Years went by and she never showed up. So she is off living her perfect life with no worries, and I am in my life thinking she doesn’t want me and starting to really believe it. Don’t get me wrong, my adoptive parents were great parents, but I still knew that I had another family somewhere.
When I was 21 and met my natural mother, I had a different picture of her in my mind. I had pictured this perfect woman who looked like me and acted like me, because, hey, I know I have to look like someone and act like someone. Right? So when we met, all those fantasies went away. All of a sudden, it was all real and not fantasy. But, she didn’t come close to “perfect”. She was an ordinary woman. Of all the people in the world that are suppose to be perfect, she was it. I know that there is no one that is perfect in the world, but you have to remember, fantasies make people perfect. For 21 years, I had these fantasy thoughts in my mind and they all came crashing down in a 3 hour time. The day I met her I thought, “I don’t look nothing like her. Ok, I might be the same height (so now I know where I get my height from), but I have nothing in common with her.” Wow! And all this time, I was thinking something different. Unfortunately, that took 18 more years to process.
Back to the question of, “why do adoptees feel that that need to comment about natural mother’s behavior or habits or bring them to attention or even try to “change” their behavior or habits?” I have to admit that I have commented on my natural mother’s behavior/habits. But I also comment on my adoptive parent’s behavior/habits. I don’t just pick her out of a crowd. She has even commented to me about my behavior/habits.
What I think the problem lies is when a child comments to their natural mother about their behavior/habits, the mother gets very offended because they want their child to look up to them and think that they have no flaws. They don’t want to know that their child, that they put up for adoption, sees their flaws or think negative toward them. I don't comment too much to her, in fact I comment to my adoptive parents about what they do than anyone else. So am I supposed to treat her differently than I would my adoptive parents? Do natural mothers want us adoptees to treat them differently? Are we suppose to put our natural mothers on a pedestal and like everything they do?
Or am I suppose to treat her like my mother? If that is the case, then she has to accept my flaws and accept that I have opinions also. Doesn't mean she has to agree.
My sons say things some times that I don't agree with. Some times they even say things that are a little hurtful, but I don't give up on my relationship with them just because they have hurt my feelings.
If a natural mother has other children, don’t they have their opinions or comments about their mother’s behavior/habits? And when they do, do the natural mothers just give up on the relationship? I think not. So why think anything different to the adoptee?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Little Things
I am happy, no ecstatic, to say that my half sister has finally acknowledge that I am her mother’s daughter, I am the oldest, and I am part of the family.
Now you might be thinking big whoop-ti-do, but this is a HUGE leap in my relationship with my family.
This past week, I took some vacation time and spent it with my natural family. Most of the time I was working on a project that I was doing, but I still made time to visit and be with them. The second day I was there I asked my nmom if she wouldn’t mind calling her father and asking him to have breakfast with me one morning. Later that afternoon she called my cell telling me that he would love to have breakfast with me and I need to pick a time and place. I said that we should meet around 6:30 in the morning and my nmom said that if she was going that it needed to be around 7:15.
This part probably does not mean anything to you, but it means a whole lot to me. First of all that was the first time ever that my nmom has ever called me back on something. She never calls me; I always have to call her. Second, she invited herself to breakfast, which is fine with me. I didn’t invite her to breakfast because she was still working and I didn’t think she really wanted to get up so early just to have breakfast with her father and me. So I was shocked to hear from her and that she wanted to go to breakfast.
The next morning came and we were heading out the door to go to breakfast when she informed me that my sister was coming too. Oh wow! This is the person that still wants nothing to do with me and now she is coming to breakfast. Ok, I can handle that.
We end up at the café and I sit across from my sister. My grandfather and his wife could hardly talk to me because they were sitting on the other end. Pretty much it was my sister and I talking the whole time. While we were leaving the café, I asked my grandfather what time breakfast was the next morning since I didn’t get to visit with them very much and agreed to go to their house the next morning at 7.
Later that day, I was in the area of where my nmom works and I stopped by to see if she wanted to go to lunch. Unfortunately, she had to taken an early lunch and was almost done with her lunch hour when I got there. She asked me to sit down and talk since I was there. Then when her lunch hour was over, she had to go to the front desk to answer calls and asked me to come with her to talk. Again, this was a first. She has never asked me to just talk with her, especially at work.
The next morning came and I had breakfast with my grandfather and his wife, went to work on my project, and went back to my nmom’s house around 5:30. I was so tired from the day that all I wanted to do was just veg out on the couch. My nmom walked in and asked me to go with her and my sister’s family to my brother’s restaurant and eat that night. I was so tired, but I would not miss this chance of being a part of the family. We ended up all sitting out on the patio eating and discussing my sister’s future wedding. I found out that I was invited to the wedding and that she expected me to be there.
While we were eating, my sister was talking about her finance being the third child in his family and she looked at our brother and said, “He is just like you. He is the third child and thinks he can get whatever he wants.” Who cares about what he wants! She just admitted that I was the first child. WOW!
I really can’t believe that this is happening. I gave up on this a long time ago. I never expected this.
This is probably meaningless to a lot of people, but to an adoptee this is HUGE. It is the little things that really hit me the hardest. Yes, I say “little things” because to most people they would have not picked up on most of this stuff. It is the “little things” that make it all worth while and reminds me that I am a part of my natural family.
Now you might be thinking big whoop-ti-do, but this is a HUGE leap in my relationship with my family.
This past week, I took some vacation time and spent it with my natural family. Most of the time I was working on a project that I was doing, but I still made time to visit and be with them. The second day I was there I asked my nmom if she wouldn’t mind calling her father and asking him to have breakfast with me one morning. Later that afternoon she called my cell telling me that he would love to have breakfast with me and I need to pick a time and place. I said that we should meet around 6:30 in the morning and my nmom said that if she was going that it needed to be around 7:15.
This part probably does not mean anything to you, but it means a whole lot to me. First of all that was the first time ever that my nmom has ever called me back on something. She never calls me; I always have to call her. Second, she invited herself to breakfast, which is fine with me. I didn’t invite her to breakfast because she was still working and I didn’t think she really wanted to get up so early just to have breakfast with her father and me. So I was shocked to hear from her and that she wanted to go to breakfast.
The next morning came and we were heading out the door to go to breakfast when she informed me that my sister was coming too. Oh wow! This is the person that still wants nothing to do with me and now she is coming to breakfast. Ok, I can handle that.
We end up at the café and I sit across from my sister. My grandfather and his wife could hardly talk to me because they were sitting on the other end. Pretty much it was my sister and I talking the whole time. While we were leaving the café, I asked my grandfather what time breakfast was the next morning since I didn’t get to visit with them very much and agreed to go to their house the next morning at 7.
Later that day, I was in the area of where my nmom works and I stopped by to see if she wanted to go to lunch. Unfortunately, she had to taken an early lunch and was almost done with her lunch hour when I got there. She asked me to sit down and talk since I was there. Then when her lunch hour was over, she had to go to the front desk to answer calls and asked me to come with her to talk. Again, this was a first. She has never asked me to just talk with her, especially at work.
The next morning came and I had breakfast with my grandfather and his wife, went to work on my project, and went back to my nmom’s house around 5:30. I was so tired from the day that all I wanted to do was just veg out on the couch. My nmom walked in and asked me to go with her and my sister’s family to my brother’s restaurant and eat that night. I was so tired, but I would not miss this chance of being a part of the family. We ended up all sitting out on the patio eating and discussing my sister’s future wedding. I found out that I was invited to the wedding and that she expected me to be there.
While we were eating, my sister was talking about her finance being the third child in his family and she looked at our brother and said, “He is just like you. He is the third child and thinks he can get whatever he wants.” Who cares about what he wants! She just admitted that I was the first child. WOW!
I really can’t believe that this is happening. I gave up on this a long time ago. I never expected this.
This is probably meaningless to a lot of people, but to an adoptee this is HUGE. It is the little things that really hit me the hardest. Yes, I say “little things” because to most people they would have not picked up on most of this stuff. It is the “little things” that make it all worth while and reminds me that I am a part of my natural family.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
What's In A Name? Everything
In a past post, What's In A Name? which was over 4 months ago, I wrote about calling my nmom "Mom". I still call her Mom when I am around my friends and most times around my brother and sister-n-law, but I still don't call her anything when I am around her. The other day, my sister-n-law said, "You know your "mom", "{her name}", "that lady" or whatever you are calling her right now, said that she wanted to blah blah blah." I don't remember the rest of the sentence but my sister-n-law pretty much called me out on what I had been calling her. You see, it depends on the day, who I am talking to, and where our relationship is at the moment, on what I will call her to other people.
When I am home and I am talking about my family, most of my friends have to really listen to tell which "Mom" I am referring to. Is it my adoptive Mom or my natural Mom? So I have to start putting names or adjectives before the "Mom" word some times.
But...I am starting to want to call my natural mom "Mom" now. I really get the urge and would really like to do it, but I am afraid it will change our relationship or even change the relationship that is building with me and my half-sister. So I think I am going to ask my half-sister if she wouldn't mind me calling our mother "Mom". If so, then I think I am there in my life, that I could be able to call her that.
So what is the problem? I feel that if I am going to call someone "Mom" and mean it then I need to feel that they are my mother. I do feel that my adoptive mother is "Mom" and have no problem calling her Mom. I do feel that my natural mother is my "mother" and that is where the problem lies. I know she is my mother, but is she really my "Mom"?
Maybe my half-sister will say "No, and not just No but you know what NO" and this will always be settled. Hmmmmm...just pondering.
When I am home and I am talking about my family, most of my friends have to really listen to tell which "Mom" I am referring to. Is it my adoptive Mom or my natural Mom? So I have to start putting names or adjectives before the "Mom" word some times.
But...I am starting to want to call my natural mom "Mom" now. I really get the urge and would really like to do it, but I am afraid it will change our relationship or even change the relationship that is building with me and my half-sister. So I think I am going to ask my half-sister if she wouldn't mind me calling our mother "Mom". If so, then I think I am there in my life, that I could be able to call her that.
So what is the problem? I feel that if I am going to call someone "Mom" and mean it then I need to feel that they are my mother. I do feel that my adoptive mother is "Mom" and have no problem calling her Mom. I do feel that my natural mother is my "mother" and that is where the problem lies. I know she is my mother, but is she really my "Mom"?
Maybe my half-sister will say "No, and not just No but you know what NO" and this will always be settled. Hmmmmm...just pondering.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Becoming Friends
My relationship with my natural mother is going pretty good lately. I have had to learn to become friends with her instead of diving into a mother/daughter relationship. Becoming friends first is better for both of us right now since we are learning about each other and treating each other with respect and gaining trust. I have learned that I have to take the relationship slow so that she will not be overwhelmed. I can tell when we have taken a giant leap in our relationship and she gets overwhelmed by the way she starts acting toward me or the way she treats me.
When she gets overwhelmed, she starts backing away from the relationship by not talking with me or being too busy to talk with me. If I call to talk with her, I usually can tell by her tone of voice whether or not she wants to have a conversation with me or does not want to talk with me at all. She won’t tell me, but it is that “tone” that lets me know what she is dealing with. So I back off so that she can process our relationship. Doing this has helped our relationship and helped her gain trust in me that I am in this relationship to stay.
Unfortunately, I am the type of person that when I know what I want and am confident in it, I go all the way with it. So for me to slow this relationship down and really pay attention to it, just drives me crazy. I have to make sure that my attitude towards things do not get in the way. I still have a bad attitude about being adopted. I think I will always have a bad attitude about adoption. It is not because of my nmother, but just about the whole situation and what I have to go through in my life with her, my adoptive family, my friends, and others who think their opinion counts.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she asked how my nmother and I were doing. I told her that I am not sure what was going on because all of a sudden my nmother was asking me all kinds of questions and wanting to know about things in my life. I told my friend it was very weird that she was really acting like she was interested in my life, because usually she doesn't ask me anything.
My friend informed me that I had told my nmother a few months ago, "I really don't think you care about me or my life because you don't ask me questions about it."
Oh yeah, I forgot I had told her that. So I am amazed that she really listened to what I said to her and is trying to make our relationship better. So she has been asking me questions about my life and what I am doing and about the kids for the last few months. I really like this and really appreciate that she listened to what I said.
When she gets overwhelmed, she starts backing away from the relationship by not talking with me or being too busy to talk with me. If I call to talk with her, I usually can tell by her tone of voice whether or not she wants to have a conversation with me or does not want to talk with me at all. She won’t tell me, but it is that “tone” that lets me know what she is dealing with. So I back off so that she can process our relationship. Doing this has helped our relationship and helped her gain trust in me that I am in this relationship to stay.
Unfortunately, I am the type of person that when I know what I want and am confident in it, I go all the way with it. So for me to slow this relationship down and really pay attention to it, just drives me crazy. I have to make sure that my attitude towards things do not get in the way. I still have a bad attitude about being adopted. I think I will always have a bad attitude about adoption. It is not because of my nmother, but just about the whole situation and what I have to go through in my life with her, my adoptive family, my friends, and others who think their opinion counts.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she asked how my nmother and I were doing. I told her that I am not sure what was going on because all of a sudden my nmother was asking me all kinds of questions and wanting to know about things in my life. I told my friend it was very weird that she was really acting like she was interested in my life, because usually she doesn't ask me anything.
My friend informed me that I had told my nmother a few months ago, "I really don't think you care about me or my life because you don't ask me questions about it."
Oh yeah, I forgot I had told her that. So I am amazed that she really listened to what I said to her and is trying to make our relationship better. So she has been asking me questions about my life and what I am doing and about the kids for the last few months. I really like this and really appreciate that she listened to what I said.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Blogging
One of my friends called me to inform me that I haven't written anything about my relationship with my natural family in awhile. I then realized that it seems if my relationship is going great with my family then I don't write on my blog. Why is that?
I also started thinking that I don't read any reunited adoption blogs that post about how their relationship is going if it is going really well. Do adoption bloggers only write when they are not going so well because we are frustrated or stressed out and that is the only way to release the stress?
So if there is a blog out there somewhere where someone is writing about how great their relationship is, I would love to know about it. In the mean time, I will try to catch up on my posts.
I also started thinking that I don't read any reunited adoption blogs that post about how their relationship is going if it is going really well. Do adoption bloggers only write when they are not going so well because we are frustrated or stressed out and that is the only way to release the stress?
So if there is a blog out there somewhere where someone is writing about how great their relationship is, I would love to know about it. In the mean time, I will try to catch up on my posts.
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