I have never questioned my relationship with my aparents. I know that no matter what, they will always be there for me if I need them. There are probably many, many times that I have disappointed my parents. Some of my choices that I have made in life, they have questioned. But it does not surprise them when I make the choices, because they know me and they know who I have become.
I question my relationship with my nmother. I have no clue if she would be there for me if I needed her. There are many, many times that I have disappointed her. She questions almost everything I do in life. She knows me, but she does not know the person I have become.
I think that my mother does not like the person I have become. Even though my brother, who is 5 years younger than me, acts just like me, and his and my mannerism are a lot alike, I am the sheep that doesn't belong to the flock.
I feel like she wishes that she wouldn't have put me up for adoption, then I would have turned out differently. I think she thinks I would be a different person if she would have raised me. Therefore, even though I am her daughter, she does not accept the person I have become.
My sister, who is 4 years younger than me, is very independent. She can manage her finances and does not have to be around family all the time. She thinks through most of her choices before making major decisions. She is a single mother to her daughter, but she does depend on our mother to help with babysitting if needed. She is friendly to others and seems to make friends easy. She is very outgoing and loves to work with children coaching different sports teams.
My brother is so far from being independent. He can not manage his finances and has to be around family a lot. He will make choices that are not great, at a moment's notice, and not even think about the consequences to his decisions. He has lived with his girlfriend for over 5 years with his son and recently in April finally married her. He has a daughter who lives in another state with her mother. I would not nominate him as father of the year, in fact, I would nominate him as one of the worst father's of the year. He is friendly, but has a sailor's mouth on him. Well, really his mouth is worse than a sailor's. He is constantly doing something all the time because he hardly can sit down and just enjoy sitting there. Common sense comes easy to him and he can almost fix anything.
Now me, I am a combination of both. Like my sister, I am very independent, single mother. I can manage my finances very well. I think through most of my choices before making major decisions. I am friendly to others and make friends very easily. I am very outgoing and love coaching girls softball. I am like my brother in the fact that I can't sit down and just enjoy the moment of doing nothing. I have to be constantly doing something. I help others if they ask and some times help even if they don't ask. Common sense comes easy for me and I can almost fix anything.
So the question I have is if I am the first born that has common traits of both my siblings, why can't my mother know the person I have become? Why can't she even like the person I have become? My answer: Because she didn't raise me. She thinks it would be different if she would have raised me therefore she can't accept the person I have become. She sees that my life and the decisions I have made are going great and God has blessed me with many, many things. She wonders if I would be where I am today if she would have raised me. She doesn't feel worthy enough to be my mother.
Is this true? Am I thinking right? Or am I so far out there that I have it all wrong?
We have had our ups and downs, our "in" the relationship and "out" of the relationship, but truth be told, we would rather be together than be apart.
The girls
About Me
- TheRightThing
- I am an adoptee that has been reunited for 20 years with my mother. Unfortunately, it took me 41 years to come to grips with being adopted and wanting to be a part of my natural family. I am hoping to allow myself to release the built up emotions that I carried through life and allow myself to have two families that I love very much.
2 comments:
I question my relationship with my nmother. I have no clue if she would be there for me if I needed her.
You have proof already that she wasnt there for you so its natural to me that you would question if she would be in the future.
She left you, a helpless infant, with strangers. Not exactly being there in my opinoin. Sure, we can justify it, but the fact is from your perspective your mother failed you in the worst way.Why shouldnt you question? Your cells say she is not reliable. She will leave. She left.
I think you are thinking correctly. She is fogged by who you might have been versus who you are. You would have very likely been someone completely different if you were raised by her. She likely sees two of you when she deals with you, her daughter, their daughter, who you are, who you might have been.
She sounds like she might need some adoption or trauma therapy.
I wish you both well. It is not easy.
History makes all the difference. You have that with your aparents. But not with your nmother. And I've come to believe that there is no fix for lack of history, no way to make up for lost time and connection. You can only go from here. Sometimes that's enough and it works, sometimes not.
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