Connections

Fortunately I grew up in a pretty good home. I have the normal American family background which would include:

Getting upset with my parents at the smallest thing.

Thinking I could have had more when I was growing up.

Thinking that life would be better if I could just have grown up faster.

Being the youngest in my adopted family, but being treated like the oldest.

Having the responsibility to take care of my family.

Just normal everyday stuff.

It is what I know. It is what I grew up with. I still believe family is family no matter what. This includes adopted family and natural family.

But after 40 years, I still don't have that connection with my nmother like I do with my adopted mother. I have a deep connection to my adoptive family and always have. I even have a deep connection with my natural half brother. But for some reason I can't seem to have that deep connection with my nmother. I really try to have that connection with her, but it seems it is just not there. Honestly I think she feels the same way.

My connection with my adopted family and my half-brother is sealed. It is molded together.
My connection with my nmother is not molded. Maybe it will take time to mold, but I am not even sure if time will mold it. When I am with my nmother, I find myself, about half the time, not being myself.

This past weekend, she came to visit me for the first time in 7 years. I live in a completely different city now. I think we really had a great 2 days together. Before she left, we ended up talking about our situation. One of the things I fessed up to was the fact that even though I am 40 years old, I still have those 2, 3, 4 year old feelings that haven't gone away. You know those "I have to know that you love me" feelings.

I told her, "I am really sorry, but some times I feel like I am that 2, 3, 4+ year old with you. I need to know that you are here and that you love me. I didn't have you there when I was that young and some times the kid in me sorta takes over when I am around you."

I am really hoping this will pass in the next few years.

No Further Say

So I found what my nmother signed at the adoption agency. One part said:

"I understand that either way, once the Court terminates my parental rights, I have no further say concerning my child."

Is this why my nmother doesn't treat me like her daughter?

Years Ago

Continuing with my relationship with my mother after we first met....

After I wrote a letter to my mother, in 1990, telling her I didn't want a relationship with her, she didn't try to communicate with me. She tells me now that she didn't think she had a choice whether we were going to have a relationship. It was all of my decision.

Three years had passed. I really didn't think of her much. I think about every 6 months I would think of her, but it was just for a minute or two and it would pass. I thought why should I bring up feelings about our relationship. That would mean I would have to deal with being adopted. I knew she wanted a relationship with me. If I call her it would just start this cycle all over again. I wasn't ready for a relationship with her. And of course she never contacted me, never sent a card, not even a birthday card. So why should I call her if she didn't call me.

Finally one day I called information to get her phone number. I never kept her information and luckily she still lived in the same place. I called her one night and we talked for 6 hours straight. We talked about what I had been doing, where I lived, where I worked, etc. She actually wanted to know about me. Then the next night, I called and we talked another 6 hours. We did this for 2 weeks except on weekends. My phone bill was $600. We had caught up on my life, I guess. I don't remember much about the conversations, but I do remember she was interested in my life. When I started talking with her those 2 weeks, she ended up putting her family life on hold while we were on the phone. My brother tells me that he thought it was crazy then, but now he says that it was a good thing for our mother. He tells me that it was what she needed. He also says that our sister really had a hard time with me talking to her and taking her away in the evenings.

This really affected my work life. And I am sure that it affected hers. Since we talked so long on the phone it would be early morning before we would get off the phone. My friends started getting tired of me talking about my natural family. I ended up not being able to talk with anyone about it and of course, my parents did not know that I was talking with her. So I had a relationship with her without being able to talk with anyone about it.

My brother and I met during this time and he started coming up and seeing me every weekend. He lived about 5 hours away. My brother told me just this past year that our sister and her boyfriend accused him and me of having a "thing" with each other when he came to visit me years ago. Yes, I said a "thing" which would have something to do with sex. I just about died. I told my brother that I didn't know he was having to deal with that and that I was so sorry he dealt with it. When he told me this, I said something to my mother and she accused him of lying. She said that my sister would have never said that. Right. Whatever!

Anyway, I went to visit my mother one weekend to see where she lived. The first time I went to visit, she took me to a family reunion. What is up with taking your daughter to a family reunion when she comes to visit for the first time? At the reunion, I clung to her side. I didn't want her to leave my sight because I didn't know anybody else. Everyone kept staring at me.

I ended up finding an adoptee support group. I think the group met once a week. It wasn't a big group and most of them had not reunited with the natural family. I think it was me and another woman who were the only ones that were reunited. So I didn't have many people talking to me about how to deal with our relationship. My friends were not talking to me about it because they thought I should have nothing to do with her. That couldn't understand why I would run my phone bill up and talk to her for many hours on the phone. So I basically had no support.

For the next few months, we would talk every now and then since my phone bill was way too high. Then I left the country for my job and moved to Milan, Italy. I would still call her every now and then and keep in touch. Yes, that was very expensive. I remember it being about $2 and something per minute. But I called her anyway.

When I came back to the states about 4 months later, she came to my place to visit me. That was really different. That was the first time that it was just her and I together. There was no one else with us.

My Rights To Know

When I wrote Adoptees Listen Up, I didn't expect that many people to have an opinion about the things I said. I wanted to expand on my thoughts on this subject a little bit more.

Again, for forty years I was a leader for "adoptees have a right to know" on the "circumstances" of their adoption. I am not talking about the right to have my original birth certificate or know information on my natural mother or father.

Since I found out that I was adopted, I have always wanted to know "why would my mother make such a decision." I wanted to know if something happened that caused her to give me up. Then people would give their opinion on what happened. Since my nmother wasn't around to fill in the blanks, others felt like they needed to fill them for her.

Later, I started thinking that I was given away because of me. I must have been a bad baby for her to not keep me even though I was adopted at three days old. That really starts eating at your self-concept. In order to not allow this to eat at me all the time, I had to bury the thought of this. Notice: Bury not deal with.

When people would talk to me about being adopted or just say something about being adopted, the thought of it being all my fault would come up. Of course, I couldn't talk to anyone about it because they didn't know the reason. There was only 2 people in this world that knew and one wasn't in existence. Therefore my thoughts were correct that it was my fault, since she wasn't around to disagree. If my thoughts were not right, then she would be around. Right? Right.

So it was my "right" to know what the circumstances were for her to give me up. In other words, it was her responsibility to tell me no matter what. I demanded to know.

When my children ask me the circumstances of their birth, I tell them. The deal is I CHOOSE to answer the questions. I have no problem with the answers. I don't think they have a RIGHT to every an answer for every question they ask, but I have no problem answering most of them.

I still know that I don't have a RIGHT to my nmother's circumstances. I can't DEMAND her to give me answers and if she doesn't want to tell me, then it is her choice. In the past, when I would say that I had a right to know, it was a demand to know.

I do have questions and would LOVE to hear the answers even though I might not like the answers. I just hope one day she can come to trust our relationship enough to share.

Giving Up Love

After I met my mother for the first time, when I was 21 years old, the contact with her stopped 6 months later. I didn't tell my adoptive parents that I had found her until 1 more year after that. So my parents didn't know until a year and a half after she and I met for the first time.

Not being able to tell my parents that we met was very stressful. I really liked my parents and to keep that from them was very hard. I told no one except my best friend. Then one day I couldn't handle the guilt of keeping it from my parents and the guilt of not telling my mother why I couldn't have a relationship with her.

That's right, I felt guilty. If you recall, I wrote about Adoptees Responsibilities and I had a friend of mine call her to tell her to not contact me anymore. I knew I should have done it, but I didn't know how to tell the person that I wanted to know to get lost.

My guilt finally got to me and I wrote her a letter to tell her that I just met her to find out some questions that I have always had. I told her that I didn't want any kind of relationship with her or her family. I was sorry to have to get a friend to call her and tell her I didn't want contact with her. I had had a good life. My parents were great and I finally told my parents that I met her.

After I wrote the letter, I went to my parent's house that weekend and told them everything and then read the letter out loud. I wanted my parents to know that I didn't want a relationship with the woman that they feared would take me away from them. I chose them over her. They were happy about this and all the guilt went away. Then I sent the letter.

If I look back on the last almost 19 years of our so-called relationship, writing that letter was one of the hardest. For 20+ years, all I wanted was my mother to come back in my life and accept me. I wanted her to want me in her life. All of a sudden I had that, and I had to turn it down. I had to make a choice. I felt like I had to make a choice: be with her or be with my adoptive family. The choice was never to be in both families. That could never happen because your heart is always with one family. I really felt like in order to love my mother, I had to give up the love I had for my parents. Or to love my parents, I had to give up the love for my mother.

So I chose love my parents and give up the love for my mother. Which is what every loving daughter would do, right?

Until a year later....

My Niece

Before you read this, read Oh, The Sayings which was posted earlier.

My niece did not think she said anything wrong. In fact about 9 months ago, I was the one that informed her that my children were her cousins. And she just looked at me with surprise. I told her to talk to her Mom about it. Yes, I am the one that forced her Mom to tell her something. Yeah Me!

So when she told me the stuff Sunday, I was shocked because I thought she knew. I wasn't mad at her and I wasn't even mad at her Mom. I was really hurt.

For the last several months, when my mother and I have talked, I have asked her to "fix things". So when we finally talked about what my niece had said, she said "I will fix this."

Then I said, "No. Do not fix this. This is between her mother and her. If her mother wants her to know something different it is her responsibility to tell her. Not someone else's. I wouldn't want someone telling my kids something this drastic and I not know about it. So out of respect for my sister, please don't fix this."

But, she didn't accept that, she told me that she would fix it and talk with my sister to let her know that no one has told my niece something different. I accepted that.

As of right now, I have no clue if they have talked with my niece.

Oh, The Sayings

After I decided that I didn't have a "right" to the circumstances of what really happened the last 41 years, I settled my insecurities on my relationship with my nmother. Or so I figured.

A day later, Sunday, my nmother, my 9-year-old niece (daughter of my half-sister), and I were walking in a store. My niece looked at me and said, "You are like a aunt to me."

I said, "I am your aunt."

"No you are not my aunt. If you were you would have been borned by Grandma." She said.
My nmother was walking behind us about 20 feet back and I said, "Well, why don't you ask Grandma."

She refused, so I said, "Who told you this."

She said, "My mom told me that you are not my aunt and you were not borned by Grandma."

It is always nice to have a 9-year-old to hit you in the heart where it hurts. I just about died. It took me 2 hours to be able to talk about it with my nmother. My nmother told me that my half-sister didn't feel that way anymore and nobody had informed the 9-year-old that things had changed. Then she asked me why it upset me so. I had to explain that when I start settling down and getting really comfortable and secure about our relationship, something always pops up to remind me that I am not a part of this family. There is always a reminder lurking in the background.

Then I informed her that everyone has an opinion about our relationship. I hear it all the time in my daily life and I don't expect to hear it from my nfamily. And when I do, it really hits deep.

Fortunately for me, this conversation led her to telling me some stuff that happened when I was born. She finally opened up a little.

Adoptees, Listen Up

I have just spent the Labor Day holiday with my nmother. We celebrated our 1 year of being in each others lives even though it has really been almost 19 years. We have never, ever lasted this long. I know that there will be many more years together.

I will get back to writing about what happened my younger years, but I have to write this first.

I have always been an advocate on the subject that adoptees have a RIGHT to know what happened when they were born. For 40 years, I have been a strong advocate to that. I have felt that I do have a right to know the situation, all the events that led up to, and what the reasons were on the decisions. The "why this" or "why that".

But this weekend changed my mind. I DO NOT have a right to know what happened. It is NOT my right to know the situation or circumstances. If my nmother wants to tell me, then it is her choice and her choice alone. I can't force her to tell me. Granted I would love for her to tell me, but again, it is her choice.

So, if you are an adoptee reading this, let me urge you to rethink the "I have a RIGHT to know" issue. If you are like me, you would love to know the "whys" and "how comes". Then you push your nparent to tell you and insist on it, but they don't. Yes, it hurts to not know. But we still don't have a right to force our nparents to tell us.

If you are a nparent reading this, let me urge you to open up to your daughter/son. Ask them, "what do you want to know?" Write it on a piece of paper and send it to them, if you can't speak the words. Most adoptees want to know. Be willing to answer questions that only you can answer.

When I finally realized that I didn't have a right to know, I could feel the tension and stress of our relationship go away. I don't have a perfect relationship with my nmother and hope one day I can, but I know that our relationship has grown tremedously and will continue to grow.

I can now say: I WAS adopted; not I am adopted.