The Adoption Agency

Back in 1987, I went to the adoption agency where I was adopted from to find my records and eventually search for my mother. Since then I have become really good friends with several of the workers there. This weekend they invited me to an adopted parent orientation seminar. I will be on an adoptee panel to answer questions that the prospective parents might have. Some of the questions that I know will be asked is:

1. Tell them my story
2. How do I feel about being adopted
3. What advice can I give to adopted parents

But that is not why I am writing this post.

I went to visit with one my friends yesterday at the adoption agency and he asked me how it was going with my mother and I. We ended up talking about the reasons I have on calling her "Mom". His advice was to go ahead and call her that because I would eventually get used to it since I want to call her that anyway. But I told him I couldn't.

"What is the true reason you can not call your mother 'Mom'", he asked.

Because if I do, then she MIGHT change her mind in our relationship or not like me calling her "Mom" and/or get out of our relationship. I can't trust her to stay in our relationship forever yet.

"So it is YOUR problem", he stated.

Yes, it is not her problem. I own it. But I need her help to be able to get past this problem. I need her to act like a mother. The problem is that she is probably acting like a mother to me and I don't see it.

"Then the times she is treating you like a mother, have her tell you. For example, she could look at you and say 'this is me treating you like a mother'. That way you just don't dismiss it. You learn to recognize it", he suggested.

Ok, she probably won't do it, but ok. I'll ask her. The other thing is that when I start treating her like she is my mother, she backs off. I have had one Mom for 40 years and I can go to her for anything. I can call her twice a day for nothing. I can call her every other day just to check in, to talk about the kids, to make future plans, to make sure they are doing ok, etc. This is the ways I treat or talk to my Mom. If I call my nmother more than once every other week, she gets upset. She tells me she doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't care for me to call just to check in.

What gets me is that she talks with her other daughter all the time and sees her almost every day. She would love to talk with my brother more than she does, but he doesn't want to talk to her all the time. So what am I suppose to think? What do I think? That this is more of a friendship, but not rooted. She can take it or leave it.

"Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about all your issues", he said.

Yeah, that would take 3 days, but we would get everything out in the open. But again, she doesn't want to talk about anything.

"You have to remember, 40 years ago, I am sure that we told her that she is not your mother nor would she ever be. Now you asking her to do things that she was told not to do. You are going to have to assure her that it is ok for her to be your mother and do motherly things."

Why does this have to be so hard and challenging?