Going From Point A To Z in 2 Steps

I was just thinking the other day that it has almost been a year since I have been in my natural family's life again. This is the longest time that I have been in their life, except for my half brother. We have been in each other's life for 18 years. I was thinking that I still don't feel secure in my relationship with my nmother. I guess being in and out of her life for almost 19 years and in her life completely in almost the last year, still doesn't make me secure. Why is that?

I can say that it is easier to get out of a relationship than to stay in one. It sure was easier to walk away years ago. It was a little hard to get in her life in the past, but much easier to walk away and leave the relationship.

Some of the reasons for my insecurity are:

When it comes to security, I think we are both in the same boat. We have never talked about it, but I think that one day she will decide that she doesn't want to have this relationship and ask me to not come back. Why do I think that? Cause I can't get emails and letters that were written to me from her months ago out of my thoughts. When the going got tough, she called it quits last winter. I am the one that kept the relationship going and said "no, the relationship was not going to end. What do I need to do to fix this?" I think we are in the same boat, because I think she thinks I will eventually walk away from our relationship. She doesn't trust that I am in this relationship forever. So neither of us trusts the other to be committed.

I feel like I am suppose to be the mature, grown-up child. I am suppose to have no problems, kids that act right, financially secure, great job, and no worries about anything. But that is not who I am or who I have become. I am just like her other children, but a little different in many ways. I think that I am an ordinary mature person, but my job drives me crazy some times, my kids are definitely not perfect and are boys who get into trouble some times, and I worry about some things. Was I suppose to be raised where I was perfect and then find my nmother to show her that I am perfect with no flaws? Or is she supposed to be a perfect mother that I never had with no flaws? Neither exists. Are we looking for something in each other that doesn't exists?

I am the type of person that would rather go from point A to point Z bypassing B through Y. Hey, I don't have time to fool around with B through Y. I have 50 million things to do, and B through Y will just slow me down. But I am learning that every time I skip a point in my relationship, I end up having to go back two or more points and start over. Skipping points has made me lose my security and when I go from one point to the other without skipping, my security strengthens me and our relationship.

I think I should be at point Z right now, but am I really at point A? "A" meaning each year that you are consistently with the other person. It has been almost 11 months for us.

How about point R? Since we met 18 years ago?

Point K? 11 months we have consistently been together.

When I think of my adoptive family, I am definitely beyond point Z. Where is that? Freedom! Freedom to not worry about our relationship. Freedom to know I can call just to say "Hi" or go visit just because I want to. Freedom to know that love does not come with a price. Yeah, freedom.