My last post had a comment that I thought needed to be answered.
I had said in my previous post:
"If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life…"
Anonymous said:
“Tell me how a mother, and she is your mother, has to come to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. So many adoptee's can't and don't understand that WE mothers didn't want to surrender our babies, there was no alternative, no help, anywhere.”
My natural mother had a secret for years. ME. Then 21 years later, after I was born, I forced that secret out. It wasn’t intentional and I never thought for one second that I was a secret from her family. I am still a secret at times. There are still times that she will not admit that she had a child when she was 17 years old.
My natural mother does need to come terms with the decisions that she has made. Whether that was her making the choice for giving me up or someone forcing her, she has to come to terms with that. I am not asking her to admit that it was “her” decision. I am saying that she needs to come to terms with the decisions.
For our relationship to be able to grow and not be held back over something that happened 41 years ago, she has to come to terms. Yes, she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me away. Yes, we reunited and it flopped big time. Yes, we found each other again. She can’t allow the past to mold our relationship anymore.
So, Anonymous, you asked me to tell you how a mother comes to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. If my natural mother asked me this, I would say to her:
“Admit to yourself that you are not perfect. Admit to yourself that you gave birth to me and you gave me up. If you had to do it all over again, you probably would not make the same decision, but back then, when you were 17 years old, you didn’t know any better. You didn’t know that years later, that decision would affect your life. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED. Admit to yourself that you make mistakes in your life or decisions in your life that you think you shouldn’t have made. Most of all, quit thinking that I was “that” child that you gave up. I am a person; not “that child” you gave away. You might not think of me as totally your daughter or that you have a right to be my mother and this thinking is what is allowing our relationship to not be able to be whole.
I don’t think how life could have been different if I wasn’t adopted. I don’t constantly think about adoption. I think about the present and the future and how I can make a difference in our relationship.
As long as you are constantly going over and over in your head about what happened, our relationship can’t grow. Come to terms with what happened and look to the future. Stop allowing the past to smother what the future holds.”
Monday, June 22, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
My Puzzle Is Complete
Growing up adopted, I always wondered what it would be like to be around my natural mother. The word "relationship" really never entered my mind until years later after we had reunited. My feelings have bounced all over the place in 41 years.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
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