It has been a long time since I blogged. There are several reasons why I quit. The main reason being that in July I got really sick and am now starting to get healthy again finally. Blogging or even checking on other blogs was not on the list of things that I felt like doing during this sickness.
The other reason is that my relationship with my natural mother will always be just the way it has always been for the last 20 years of my life. I will not be a part of her family. I will be that "thing" in the past that she wished she could erase.
I wouldn't call what we have a "relationship". She still calls about once a month, but the conversations last about 3 - 5 minutes. In fact, during my sickness, she didn't call to ask how I was doing. Of course, my parents called all the time and came to visit a lot.
How do I feel about this? I have pretty much come to terms about it. My life is back to normal after reuniting again with her 2 years ago. I have a great relationship with my parents again. I do wish that she could be a natural mother who wouldn't let her guilt or her other daughter make her decisions for her. She doesn't invite me to family gatherings because she doesn't want to upset her other daughter. This will never change.
Since I have a great relationship with my parents now, any time I mention them to her or say I did something with them, the conversations with her ends right then. Even in emails. If I say something about them, she won't send another email for a month. I am not sure why she has decided to get upset when I mention them, but my parents are the ones that took care of me and she has no right to dismiss them or get angry with me when I mention them. They are a part of my life just like she is a part of my life.
So, my so called relationship with her is just there. I don't call her because every time I used to call she would say, "what do you want." I don't worry any more if she is going to call because I allow her to run the relationship the way she wants to. She doesn't ask me to visit anymore. Haven't seen her since March. That's the way she wants it. So my life continues on.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Peace With Yourself
Been on vacation. Needed to catch up on some questions others have asked in some comments. So here they are.
In the post, "You Can't Change What Happened", birthmothertalks asked me if I was "basically saying that in order for birthmoms to have a relationship with their children they have to come to terms with their past choices."
I do believe that is what I am saying. I am not saying that coming to terms with the choices is admitting that you are the only party responsible for the choices that were made. I am saying that you need to come to terms with the fact that no one can go back to the past when we were born and change what happened. Stop yearning for your "baby" to be with you. In my case, I am all grown up now, had a good life, and don't really want to change what happened. (there are some stupid stuff I did as a kid that I would love to change, but that is another story).
I am also not saying that you have to "say that all is well and it's okay and that everything happened the way it did." This still goes back to, you can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Recently in the past several months, I finally came to terms with what happened. I can't change that I am adopted and in my case, do not want to change this fact. However, for a year and a half I did try to become this "non-adopted person" because I thought that everything wasn't okay and my attitude reflected that being put up for adoption was not good and not growing up with my natural mother was awful. But as I finally came to terms with the fact that I can't change what happened, peace finally set in. It is allowing me to know that I can have a future with my natural mother if I choose so. This choice is mine and can't be something that is pushed on me or used to make me feel guilty if I choose not to have a relationship with my natural family.
This peace doesn't mean that everything is great and wonderful and no problems happen. I don't know of any family that is great and wonderful and have no problems. It means that I am confident in who I am. It means that I can live life daily without having to wonder what my heart is feeling. I can live daily knowing where I stand in my relationship with my adoptive family and my natural family. I know that if my natural mother decides that I am a "little" part of her life, then that is HER choice and I can't change the way she feels. I can help her, if she ask, but she has to make her own choices just like I do mine.
I still think that if she would find that peace within herself, then the choices she makes about our relationship would settle down and make our relationship better. But she must find that peace herself. It can't come from someone else.
P.S. Cedar also asked me if she was willing to see someone or read books. I have asked and have even left the book at her house. She returned the book and told me she would not read it. She has also informed that she doesn't need a counselor or talk with someone.
In the post, "You Can't Change What Happened", birthmothertalks asked me if I was "basically saying that in order for birthmoms to have a relationship with their children they have to come to terms with their past choices."
I do believe that is what I am saying. I am not saying that coming to terms with the choices is admitting that you are the only party responsible for the choices that were made. I am saying that you need to come to terms with the fact that no one can go back to the past when we were born and change what happened. Stop yearning for your "baby" to be with you. In my case, I am all grown up now, had a good life, and don't really want to change what happened. (there are some stupid stuff I did as a kid that I would love to change, but that is another story).
I am also not saying that you have to "say that all is well and it's okay and that everything happened the way it did." This still goes back to, you can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Recently in the past several months, I finally came to terms with what happened. I can't change that I am adopted and in my case, do not want to change this fact. However, for a year and a half I did try to become this "non-adopted person" because I thought that everything wasn't okay and my attitude reflected that being put up for adoption was not good and not growing up with my natural mother was awful. But as I finally came to terms with the fact that I can't change what happened, peace finally set in. It is allowing me to know that I can have a future with my natural mother if I choose so. This choice is mine and can't be something that is pushed on me or used to make me feel guilty if I choose not to have a relationship with my natural family.
This peace doesn't mean that everything is great and wonderful and no problems happen. I don't know of any family that is great and wonderful and have no problems. It means that I am confident in who I am. It means that I can live life daily without having to wonder what my heart is feeling. I can live daily knowing where I stand in my relationship with my adoptive family and my natural family. I know that if my natural mother decides that I am a "little" part of her life, then that is HER choice and I can't change the way she feels. I can help her, if she ask, but she has to make her own choices just like I do mine.
I still think that if she would find that peace within herself, then the choices she makes about our relationship would settle down and make our relationship better. But she must find that peace herself. It can't come from someone else.
P.S. Cedar also asked me if she was willing to see someone or read books. I have asked and have even left the book at her house. She returned the book and told me she would not read it. She has also informed that she doesn't need a counselor or talk with someone.
Monday, June 22, 2009
You Can't Change What Happened
My last post had a comment that I thought needed to be answered.
I had said in my previous post:
"If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life…"
Anonymous said:
“Tell me how a mother, and she is your mother, has to come to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. So many adoptee's can't and don't understand that WE mothers didn't want to surrender our babies, there was no alternative, no help, anywhere.”
My natural mother had a secret for years. ME. Then 21 years later, after I was born, I forced that secret out. It wasn’t intentional and I never thought for one second that I was a secret from her family. I am still a secret at times. There are still times that she will not admit that she had a child when she was 17 years old.
My natural mother does need to come terms with the decisions that she has made. Whether that was her making the choice for giving me up or someone forcing her, she has to come to terms with that. I am not asking her to admit that it was “her” decision. I am saying that she needs to come to terms with the decisions.
For our relationship to be able to grow and not be held back over something that happened 41 years ago, she has to come to terms. Yes, she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me away. Yes, we reunited and it flopped big time. Yes, we found each other again. She can’t allow the past to mold our relationship anymore.
So, Anonymous, you asked me to tell you how a mother comes to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. If my natural mother asked me this, I would say to her:
“Admit to yourself that you are not perfect. Admit to yourself that you gave birth to me and you gave me up. If you had to do it all over again, you probably would not make the same decision, but back then, when you were 17 years old, you didn’t know any better. You didn’t know that years later, that decision would affect your life. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED. Admit to yourself that you make mistakes in your life or decisions in your life that you think you shouldn’t have made. Most of all, quit thinking that I was “that” child that you gave up. I am a person; not “that child” you gave away. You might not think of me as totally your daughter or that you have a right to be my mother and this thinking is what is allowing our relationship to not be able to be whole.
I don’t think how life could have been different if I wasn’t adopted. I don’t constantly think about adoption. I think about the present and the future and how I can make a difference in our relationship.
As long as you are constantly going over and over in your head about what happened, our relationship can’t grow. Come to terms with what happened and look to the future. Stop allowing the past to smother what the future holds.”
I had said in my previous post:
"If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life…"
Anonymous said:
“Tell me how a mother, and she is your mother, has to come to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. So many adoptee's can't and don't understand that WE mothers didn't want to surrender our babies, there was no alternative, no help, anywhere.”
My natural mother had a secret for years. ME. Then 21 years later, after I was born, I forced that secret out. It wasn’t intentional and I never thought for one second that I was a secret from her family. I am still a secret at times. There are still times that she will not admit that she had a child when she was 17 years old.
My natural mother does need to come terms with the decisions that she has made. Whether that was her making the choice for giving me up or someone forcing her, she has to come to terms with that. I am not asking her to admit that it was “her” decision. I am saying that she needs to come to terms with the decisions.
For our relationship to be able to grow and not be held back over something that happened 41 years ago, she has to come to terms. Yes, she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me away. Yes, we reunited and it flopped big time. Yes, we found each other again. She can’t allow the past to mold our relationship anymore.
So, Anonymous, you asked me to tell you how a mother comes to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. If my natural mother asked me this, I would say to her:
“Admit to yourself that you are not perfect. Admit to yourself that you gave birth to me and you gave me up. If you had to do it all over again, you probably would not make the same decision, but back then, when you were 17 years old, you didn’t know any better. You didn’t know that years later, that decision would affect your life. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED. Admit to yourself that you make mistakes in your life or decisions in your life that you think you shouldn’t have made. Most of all, quit thinking that I was “that” child that you gave up. I am a person; not “that child” you gave away. You might not think of me as totally your daughter or that you have a right to be my mother and this thinking is what is allowing our relationship to not be able to be whole.
I don’t think how life could have been different if I wasn’t adopted. I don’t constantly think about adoption. I think about the present and the future and how I can make a difference in our relationship.
As long as you are constantly going over and over in your head about what happened, our relationship can’t grow. Come to terms with what happened and look to the future. Stop allowing the past to smother what the future holds.”
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
My Puzzle Is Complete
Growing up adopted, I always wondered what it would be like to be around my natural mother. The word "relationship" really never entered my mind until years later after we had reunited. My feelings have bounced all over the place in 41 years.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Accepting What Is Given
After thinking things through, I have finally put the pieces together on my relationship with my nmother. For the last year and a half my life changed drastically. I became someone else in my quest for seeking me it seems.
When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.
Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.
In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.
I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.
For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.
The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.
When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.
Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.
In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.
I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.
For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.
The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I Am One Person
Ok, here is the deal why I haven't written in awhile. My nmother's office goes on a 4-day weekend trip every year. She asked me to go with her this year.
I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.
I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.
That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.
I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?
These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.
It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.
So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.
**************************
Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.
It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.
I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.
I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.
That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.
I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?
These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.
It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.
So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.
**************************
Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.
It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.
Monday, March 23, 2009
What She Really Feels
One of my conversations I had with my nmother this weekend:
nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."
Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."
Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?
Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.
nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."
Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."
Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?
Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.
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