It wasn't important for me to have a relationship with my mother after we had reunited when I was 21, fall semester of college, and suppose to graduate the next spring semester. She had become an acquaintance to me and I wasn't expecting contact with her. I really thought she would go back to her home and continue on her life without me. I expected my life to continue normally and I was about to graduate college and didn't have time for much life changing plans.
A week later I received a letter written from her. I replied a couple weeks later. She would continue to send letters to me and I would eventually respond. When the Christmas holidays came, I mailed her a letter telling her that I was going to my parent's for the holidays and ended up giving their phone number to her. On Christmas Day she called me at my parent's house. I took the phone and went to a bedroom and closed the door to talk to her. After we hung up, my parent's asked me who it was and I just said a friend from school. They did not know that I had found my mother and met her. It scared me half to death that my nmother called me at my parent's house and I lied to them about who was on the phone. I was bothered all day long with that phone call. I remember feeling that I had betrayed my parents since I did not tell them I found her. Then I felt all alone because I wanted to tell them and for them to be happy for me finding her and getting my questions answered. But I still could not tell them because I didn't know what their reaction was going to be.
I was still processing the fact that all my life people told me that my nmother did not want anything to do with me. And now she met me and is writing me and is showing interest in me. So conflicting thoughts were racing through my mind when I thought about my reunion. Since I wasn't talking with anyone about it, I was having to deal with everything alone. Add that to the fact of me still not wanting a relationship with her.
I can say that my last semester of college was not my best.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Growing Up
When I was growing up, I knew that I would meet my natural mother one day. It was just something that I wanted to do. All I thought about was meeting her and asking her questions that I had about my adoption. That was it. Nothing else. I never once thought that I would ever have a relationship with her. I didn’t feel like I was a part of her or her family.
When I was around 18, I knew it was time for me to get my questions answered and I contacted the adoption agency to find out if they knew where she was located. To my surprise, I found out that in my state I couldn’t ask the agency to locate her without my parent’s permission, unless I wanted to wait until I was 21 years old.
So I got the form for my parent’s to sign, asked them to sign it, and they said they would. But I never gave them the form so they never signed it. They had given me permission to search, but I wanted to do this on my own terms. The state, the agency, and my parents was not allowing me to search on my own terms, therefore, I stopped the search. I needed to search for her when I wanted and with no one else’s permission, especially the state.
I remember a couple of days before I turned 21, I thought the day I turned 21, I was going to walk into the adoption agency and ask them to locate her. That didn’t happen. All of a sudden it was on my terms and I was going to be the one who made the decision, but I didn’t want to search right then. Twenty-one years I had been waiting to meet her, but all of a sudden all the feelings of “what if she doesn’t like me”, “what if I can’t find her”, “what if she has passed away”. All the negative feelings came rushing in for the first time in my life and took over.
Instead of facing the negative feelings, I allowed them to postpone my search.
When I was around 18, I knew it was time for me to get my questions answered and I contacted the adoption agency to find out if they knew where she was located. To my surprise, I found out that in my state I couldn’t ask the agency to locate her without my parent’s permission, unless I wanted to wait until I was 21 years old.
So I got the form for my parent’s to sign, asked them to sign it, and they said they would. But I never gave them the form so they never signed it. They had given me permission to search, but I wanted to do this on my own terms. The state, the agency, and my parents was not allowing me to search on my own terms, therefore, I stopped the search. I needed to search for her when I wanted and with no one else’s permission, especially the state.
I remember a couple of days before I turned 21, I thought the day I turned 21, I was going to walk into the adoption agency and ask them to locate her. That didn’t happen. All of a sudden it was on my terms and I was going to be the one who made the decision, but I didn’t want to search right then. Twenty-one years I had been waiting to meet her, but all of a sudden all the feelings of “what if she doesn’t like me”, “what if I can’t find her”, “what if she has passed away”. All the negative feelings came rushing in for the first time in my life and took over.
Instead of facing the negative feelings, I allowed them to postpone my search.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Adoptee Panel
I went to the adoptive parent's orientation today at the adoption agency and was on the adoptee panel. Can I just say one thing?
Can all you natural mothers meet me somewhere for coffee?
OMG! There was three adoptees there for the panel. We talked about 1 hour to the prospective adoptive parents and answered questions. No big deal, but what got me was the next hour. The adoption agency has three panels: adoptee, natural mother, and adoptive parent. After ours was done, a natural mother sit down to talk with the adoptive parents.
You know, I read a few mother's blogs and they comment here and I feel like I have gotten to know some of them and would love to meet them in person. (Too bad I am not wealthy and have my own plane.) I have never talked with a mother before in person, except for mine. What a difference it makes to talk with someone in person.
Her story was that she got pregnant in her 30s, a little over a year ago, and chose the adoptive parents. She is in an open adoption. She made a couple of points that really hit hard with me.
(1) They are his parents and I am his mother and his adoptive mother is his mother. So he has 2 mothers. But I am not his parent.
(2) That was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.
(3) I gave him up because I wanted him to have a better life than what I could give him. He deserved to be taken care of and be given things that I could not. If I would have kept him, we would be living off welfare and probably be homeless. He deserved better.
(4) Some people say birth mothers are selfish, but we are not. I did this for him; not me.
(5) I was looking at his future; not mine. I did this for him.
Can all you natural mothers meet me somewhere for coffee?
OMG! There was three adoptees there for the panel. We talked about 1 hour to the prospective adoptive parents and answered questions. No big deal, but what got me was the next hour. The adoption agency has three panels: adoptee, natural mother, and adoptive parent. After ours was done, a natural mother sit down to talk with the adoptive parents.
You know, I read a few mother's blogs and they comment here and I feel like I have gotten to know some of them and would love to meet them in person. (Too bad I am not wealthy and have my own plane.) I have never talked with a mother before in person, except for mine. What a difference it makes to talk with someone in person.
Her story was that she got pregnant in her 30s, a little over a year ago, and chose the adoptive parents. She is in an open adoption. She made a couple of points that really hit hard with me.
(1) They are his parents and I am his mother and his adoptive mother is his mother. So he has 2 mothers. But I am not his parent.
(2) That was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.
(3) I gave him up because I wanted him to have a better life than what I could give him. He deserved to be taken care of and be given things that I could not. If I would have kept him, we would be living off welfare and probably be homeless. He deserved better.
(4) Some people say birth mothers are selfish, but we are not. I did this for him; not me.
(5) I was looking at his future; not mine. I did this for him.
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Adoption Agency
Back in 1987, I went to the adoption agency where I was adopted from to find my records and eventually search for my mother. Since then I have become really good friends with several of the workers there. This weekend they invited me to an adopted parent orientation seminar. I will be on an adoptee panel to answer questions that the prospective parents might have. Some of the questions that I know will be asked is:
1. Tell them my story
2. How do I feel about being adopted
3. What advice can I give to adopted parents
But that is not why I am writing this post.
I went to visit with one my friends yesterday at the adoption agency and he asked me how it was going with my mother and I. We ended up talking about the reasons I have on calling her "Mom". His advice was to go ahead and call her that because I would eventually get used to it since I want to call her that anyway. But I told him I couldn't.
"What is the true reason you can not call your mother 'Mom'", he asked.
Because if I do, then she MIGHT change her mind in our relationship or not like me calling her "Mom" and/or get out of our relationship. I can't trust her to stay in our relationship forever yet.
"So it is YOUR problem", he stated.
Yes, it is not her problem. I own it. But I need her help to be able to get past this problem. I need her to act like a mother. The problem is that she is probably acting like a mother to me and I don't see it.
"Then the times she is treating you like a mother, have her tell you. For example, she could look at you and say 'this is me treating you like a mother'. That way you just don't dismiss it. You learn to recognize it", he suggested.
Ok, she probably won't do it, but ok. I'll ask her. The other thing is that when I start treating her like she is my mother, she backs off. I have had one Mom for 40 years and I can go to her for anything. I can call her twice a day for nothing. I can call her every other day just to check in, to talk about the kids, to make future plans, to make sure they are doing ok, etc. This is the ways I treat or talk to my Mom. If I call my nmother more than once every other week, she gets upset. She tells me she doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't care for me to call just to check in.
What gets me is that she talks with her other daughter all the time and sees her almost every day. She would love to talk with my brother more than she does, but he doesn't want to talk to her all the time. So what am I suppose to think? What do I think? That this is more of a friendship, but not rooted. She can take it or leave it.
"Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about all your issues", he said.
Yeah, that would take 3 days, but we would get everything out in the open. But again, she doesn't want to talk about anything.
"You have to remember, 40 years ago, I am sure that we told her that she is not your mother nor would she ever be. Now you asking her to do things that she was told not to do. You are going to have to assure her that it is ok for her to be your mother and do motherly things."
Why does this have to be so hard and challenging?
1. Tell them my story
2. How do I feel about being adopted
3. What advice can I give to adopted parents
But that is not why I am writing this post.
I went to visit with one my friends yesterday at the adoption agency and he asked me how it was going with my mother and I. We ended up talking about the reasons I have on calling her "Mom". His advice was to go ahead and call her that because I would eventually get used to it since I want to call her that anyway. But I told him I couldn't.
"What is the true reason you can not call your mother 'Mom'", he asked.
Because if I do, then she MIGHT change her mind in our relationship or not like me calling her "Mom" and/or get out of our relationship. I can't trust her to stay in our relationship forever yet.
"So it is YOUR problem", he stated.
Yes, it is not her problem. I own it. But I need her help to be able to get past this problem. I need her to act like a mother. The problem is that she is probably acting like a mother to me and I don't see it.
"Then the times she is treating you like a mother, have her tell you. For example, she could look at you and say 'this is me treating you like a mother'. That way you just don't dismiss it. You learn to recognize it", he suggested.
Ok, she probably won't do it, but ok. I'll ask her. The other thing is that when I start treating her like she is my mother, she backs off. I have had one Mom for 40 years and I can go to her for anything. I can call her twice a day for nothing. I can call her every other day just to check in, to talk about the kids, to make future plans, to make sure they are doing ok, etc. This is the ways I treat or talk to my Mom. If I call my nmother more than once every other week, she gets upset. She tells me she doesn't like talking on the phone. She doesn't care for me to call just to check in.
What gets me is that she talks with her other daughter all the time and sees her almost every day. She would love to talk with my brother more than she does, but he doesn't want to talk to her all the time. So what am I suppose to think? What do I think? That this is more of a friendship, but not rooted. She can take it or leave it.
"Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about all your issues", he said.
Yeah, that would take 3 days, but we would get everything out in the open. But again, she doesn't want to talk about anything.
"You have to remember, 40 years ago, I am sure that we told her that she is not your mother nor would she ever be. Now you asking her to do things that she was told not to do. You are going to have to assure her that it is ok for her to be your mother and do motherly things."
Why does this have to be so hard and challenging?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Is It Enough?
Denise commented on This is my oldest daughter... the following:
"I would have thought that your mother's openness in introducing you would be enough. But it's not, is it? You still feel odd-man-out.
Anyway, not to devalue what you felt, but could you perhaps be overly sensitive? Seeing something you expect to see? "
Don't get me wrong, my mother's openness in introducing me was great. I am not sure if I could go as far as saying "enough", but it was a huge step. I am just not used to it and it really surprised me. It is something that I have really never thought about. I have thought about her saying, "This is my daughter _____", but not "oldest daughter". Until I hear it again and again, I am still not used to it.
Yes, I could say I am overly sensitive. Since we have been around each other for quite awhile, I don't expect to see the looks at all. When I go to my mother's office and visit her every now and then, everyone looks at me a little different. (You could call that staring at me.) It really, really bothers me, but I have learned to accept it almost at her office. I finally asked her the other day, why they do this and she says that the women think I look so much like her and they think it is great that I come visit and am in her life.
Out of the 3 children she has, I do look like her the most. Imagine that.
I still have people who know me and those who don't, tell me I have no business in my mother's life. She gave me up and that was her final decision. I shouldn't expect anything from her and shouldn't have anything to do with "them". Isn't the love my parents gave me and still continue to give me enough for me? Why would I want to hurt my parents?
So the looks and stares and the opinions keep happening and will probably keep happening. Do I try to set people straight on adoption? Depends on what day it is.
"I would have thought that your mother's openness in introducing you would be enough. But it's not, is it? You still feel odd-man-out.
Anyway, not to devalue what you felt, but could you perhaps be overly sensitive? Seeing something you expect to see? "
Don't get me wrong, my mother's openness in introducing me was great. I am not sure if I could go as far as saying "enough", but it was a huge step. I am just not used to it and it really surprised me. It is something that I have really never thought about. I have thought about her saying, "This is my daughter _____", but not "oldest daughter". Until I hear it again and again, I am still not used to it.
Yes, I could say I am overly sensitive. Since we have been around each other for quite awhile, I don't expect to see the looks at all. When I go to my mother's office and visit her every now and then, everyone looks at me a little different. (You could call that staring at me.) It really, really bothers me, but I have learned to accept it almost at her office. I finally asked her the other day, why they do this and she says that the women think I look so much like her and they think it is great that I come visit and am in her life.
Out of the 3 children she has, I do look like her the most. Imagine that.
I still have people who know me and those who don't, tell me I have no business in my mother's life. She gave me up and that was her final decision. I shouldn't expect anything from her and shouldn't have anything to do with "them". Isn't the love my parents gave me and still continue to give me enough for me? Why would I want to hurt my parents?
So the looks and stares and the opinions keep happening and will probably keep happening. Do I try to set people straight on adoption? Depends on what day it is.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Going From Point A To Z in 2 Steps
I was just thinking the other day that it has almost been a year since I have been in my natural family's life again. This is the longest time that I have been in their life, except for my half brother. We have been in each other's life for 18 years. I was thinking that I still don't feel secure in my relationship with my nmother. I guess being in and out of her life for almost 19 years and in her life completely in almost the last year, still doesn't make me secure. Why is that?
I can say that it is easier to get out of a relationship than to stay in one. It sure was easier to walk away years ago. It was a little hard to get in her life in the past, but much easier to walk away and leave the relationship.
Some of the reasons for my insecurity are:
When it comes to security, I think we are both in the same boat. We have never talked about it, but I think that one day she will decide that she doesn't want to have this relationship and ask me to not come back. Why do I think that? Cause I can't get emails and letters that were written to me from her months ago out of my thoughts. When the going got tough, she called it quits last winter. I am the one that kept the relationship going and said "no, the relationship was not going to end. What do I need to do to fix this?" I think we are in the same boat, because I think she thinks I will eventually walk away from our relationship. She doesn't trust that I am in this relationship forever. So neither of us trusts the other to be committed.
I feel like I am suppose to be the mature, grown-up child. I am suppose to have no problems, kids that act right, financially secure, great job, and no worries about anything. But that is not who I am or who I have become. I am just like her other children, but a little different in many ways. I think that I am an ordinary mature person, but my job drives me crazy some times, my kids are definitely not perfect and are boys who get into trouble some times, and I worry about some things. Was I suppose to be raised where I was perfect and then find my nmother to show her that I am perfect with no flaws? Or is she supposed to be a perfect mother that I never had with no flaws? Neither exists. Are we looking for something in each other that doesn't exists?
I am the type of person that would rather go from point A to point Z bypassing B through Y. Hey, I don't have time to fool around with B through Y. I have 50 million things to do, and B through Y will just slow me down. But I am learning that every time I skip a point in my relationship, I end up having to go back two or more points and start over. Skipping points has made me lose my security and when I go from one point to the other without skipping, my security strengthens me and our relationship.
I think I should be at point Z right now, but am I really at point A? "A" meaning each year that you are consistently with the other person. It has been almost 11 months for us.
How about point R? Since we met 18 years ago?
Point K? 11 months we have consistently been together.
When I think of my adoptive family, I am definitely beyond point Z. Where is that? Freedom! Freedom to not worry about our relationship. Freedom to know I can call just to say "Hi" or go visit just because I want to. Freedom to know that love does not come with a price. Yeah, freedom.
I can say that it is easier to get out of a relationship than to stay in one. It sure was easier to walk away years ago. It was a little hard to get in her life in the past, but much easier to walk away and leave the relationship.
Some of the reasons for my insecurity are:
When it comes to security, I think we are both in the same boat. We have never talked about it, but I think that one day she will decide that she doesn't want to have this relationship and ask me to not come back. Why do I think that? Cause I can't get emails and letters that were written to me from her months ago out of my thoughts. When the going got tough, she called it quits last winter. I am the one that kept the relationship going and said "no, the relationship was not going to end. What do I need to do to fix this?" I think we are in the same boat, because I think she thinks I will eventually walk away from our relationship. She doesn't trust that I am in this relationship forever. So neither of us trusts the other to be committed.
I feel like I am suppose to be the mature, grown-up child. I am suppose to have no problems, kids that act right, financially secure, great job, and no worries about anything. But that is not who I am or who I have become. I am just like her other children, but a little different in many ways. I think that I am an ordinary mature person, but my job drives me crazy some times, my kids are definitely not perfect and are boys who get into trouble some times, and I worry about some things. Was I suppose to be raised where I was perfect and then find my nmother to show her that I am perfect with no flaws? Or is she supposed to be a perfect mother that I never had with no flaws? Neither exists. Are we looking for something in each other that doesn't exists?
I am the type of person that would rather go from point A to point Z bypassing B through Y. Hey, I don't have time to fool around with B through Y. I have 50 million things to do, and B through Y will just slow me down. But I am learning that every time I skip a point in my relationship, I end up having to go back two or more points and start over. Skipping points has made me lose my security and when I go from one point to the other without skipping, my security strengthens me and our relationship.
I think I should be at point Z right now, but am I really at point A? "A" meaning each year that you are consistently with the other person. It has been almost 11 months for us.
How about point R? Since we met 18 years ago?
Point K? 11 months we have consistently been together.
When I think of my adoptive family, I am definitely beyond point Z. Where is that? Freedom! Freedom to not worry about our relationship. Freedom to know I can call just to say "Hi" or go visit just because I want to. Freedom to know that love does not come with a price. Yeah, freedom.
Monday, July 21, 2008
This is my oldest daughter...
This weekend my children and I went to my nmother's house. I took the boys with me because my half-sister invited us to her daughter's birthday pool party. Even though I didn't feel obligated to go because she is my half-sister, I felt privileged to go. This is the first time she has invited me to anything. The boys had a great time at the party swimming and enjoyed being around everyone.
But I have to say, I don't like get togethers still. There were lots of people at the party and even cousins that I had never met. My mother introduced me to almost everyone there. Every time she would introduce me, she would say, "This is my oldest daughter ____". It was very different for me to hear it. I am the only daughter and the youngest in my adoptive family.
So now it is all in the open that I am the "oldest daughter". Ok, I can handle that now. The problem lies in the fact that most of the people she introduced me to knows the situation or did not know that there was another daughter in the family.
Let's go with they knew about me. I don't know if every adoptee goes through this, but when I was introduced to people that knew that "I was the one put up for adoption years ago", they would have that look in their eye. It is really hard to describe, but it was like, "oh, you are the one that came back into this family's life. You are the one that doesn't belong. Why can't you just stay away." Oh yeah, the look of "you do not belong here". "You are not part of this family." Yes, people can be kind and shake hands and say that they are glad to meet you, but it's that look they give you that means the most.
Now for the "they didn't know there was another daughter in the family." That look is not quite as bad but there is a "I didn't know there was another daughter. I thought (my sister's name) only had a brother. She has never spoken about a sister." You can tell that all this is going through a person's head when they meet me because they have been around my sister for years and I was never spoken of.
So how does this make me feel? Like I don't belong. When I am with my adoptive family, I feel like I belong because I have a history with them and we love each other very much. When I am with my natural family, I truly, deep down feel like I belong until something pops up and reminds me that I don't belong to my natural family. I am suppose to stay outside the circle and peek in. Granted, some times I even get to walk in the circle and enjoy it, but then I must eventually walk out and go back to my spot and peek in.
I really thought that some day the "stares" and the "looks" would end. It has with my immediate natural family, but with everyone else, it hasn't. I think I need to realize that the "stares" and the "looks" will never end. I feel like I have the word "ADOPTED" written on my forehead and I can't scrub it off.
But I have to say, I don't like get togethers still. There were lots of people at the party and even cousins that I had never met. My mother introduced me to almost everyone there. Every time she would introduce me, she would say, "This is my oldest daughter ____". It was very different for me to hear it. I am the only daughter and the youngest in my adoptive family.
So now it is all in the open that I am the "oldest daughter". Ok, I can handle that now. The problem lies in the fact that most of the people she introduced me to knows the situation or did not know that there was another daughter in the family.
Let's go with they knew about me. I don't know if every adoptee goes through this, but when I was introduced to people that knew that "I was the one put up for adoption years ago", they would have that look in their eye. It is really hard to describe, but it was like, "oh, you are the one that came back into this family's life. You are the one that doesn't belong. Why can't you just stay away." Oh yeah, the look of "you do not belong here". "You are not part of this family." Yes, people can be kind and shake hands and say that they are glad to meet you, but it's that look they give you that means the most.
Now for the "they didn't know there was another daughter in the family." That look is not quite as bad but there is a "I didn't know there was another daughter. I thought (my sister's name) only had a brother. She has never spoken about a sister." You can tell that all this is going through a person's head when they meet me because they have been around my sister for years and I was never spoken of.
So how does this make me feel? Like I don't belong. When I am with my adoptive family, I feel like I belong because I have a history with them and we love each other very much. When I am with my natural family, I truly, deep down feel like I belong until something pops up and reminds me that I don't belong to my natural family. I am suppose to stay outside the circle and peek in. Granted, some times I even get to walk in the circle and enjoy it, but then I must eventually walk out and go back to my spot and peek in.
I really thought that some day the "stares" and the "looks" would end. It has with my immediate natural family, but with everyone else, it hasn't. I think I need to realize that the "stares" and the "looks" will never end. I feel like I have the word "ADOPTED" written on my forehead and I can't scrub it off.
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