It has been a long time since I blogged. There are several reasons why I quit. The main reason being that in July I got really sick and am now starting to get healthy again finally. Blogging or even checking on other blogs was not on the list of things that I felt like doing during this sickness.
The other reason is that my relationship with my natural mother will always be just the way it has always been for the last 20 years of my life. I will not be a part of her family. I will be that "thing" in the past that she wished she could erase.
I wouldn't call what we have a "relationship". She still calls about once a month, but the conversations last about 3 - 5 minutes. In fact, during my sickness, she didn't call to ask how I was doing. Of course, my parents called all the time and came to visit a lot.
How do I feel about this? I have pretty much come to terms about it. My life is back to normal after reuniting again with her 2 years ago. I have a great relationship with my parents again. I do wish that she could be a natural mother who wouldn't let her guilt or her other daughter make her decisions for her. She doesn't invite me to family gatherings because she doesn't want to upset her other daughter. This will never change.
Since I have a great relationship with my parents now, any time I mention them to her or say I did something with them, the conversations with her ends right then. Even in emails. If I say something about them, she won't send another email for a month. I am not sure why she has decided to get upset when I mention them, but my parents are the ones that took care of me and she has no right to dismiss them or get angry with me when I mention them. They are a part of my life just like she is a part of my life.
So, my so called relationship with her is just there. I don't call her because every time I used to call she would say, "what do you want." I don't worry any more if she is going to call because I allow her to run the relationship the way she wants to. She doesn't ask me to visit anymore. Haven't seen her since March. That's the way she wants it. So my life continues on.
We have had our ups and downs, our "in" the relationship and "out" of the relationship, but truth be told, we would rather be together than be apart.
The girls
About Me
- TheRightThing
- I am an adoptee that has been reunited for 20 years with my mother. Unfortunately, it took me 41 years to come to grips with being adopted and wanting to be a part of my natural family. I am hoping to allow myself to release the built up emotions that I carried through life and allow myself to have two families that I love very much.
6 comments:
You are courageous in that you blog about your life but in some way have you pushed your mom to the perimeter of your your life and she has responded in kind?
You left her once before and perhaps her distance is twofold: one to protect herself and the other to give you the space she thinks you need.
I only feel free to say this because of my own interactions with my son and his afamily.
Make no mistake, we have a great relationship but his afamily has made his life with me in it a living hell. Sad isn't it? I hope it works out for you and your mother,
Hi Right Thing,
I'm glad you're feeling better, healthwise anyway.
It's sad that your mom isn't happy for you to have such a good relationship with your afamily. Especially awkward since she doesn't seem to have as good a relationship with her younger daughter either.
Angelle,
In no way have I pushed her out of my life since we have been re-reunited. And in no way has my afamily EVER done anything to her to make her disrespect them. So your first question is wrong. I have not pushed her to any perimeter. She is a grown woman that can make her own choice. I can't push her (nor do I want to) to do anything. And if she can't get over the first reunion that we had which was sooooo long ago and I was soooo young, then that is her problem; not mine.
Why is it that when things don't go right with reunions, the natural mother always blames the adoptive parents?
Sometimes there is no further we can go in a relationship and we simply have to accept what is. Not close the door completely, but shut down our expectations that things will change any time soon (or ever).
Sorry to hear about your health problems and hope you continue to get well.
Right thing - you GO GIRL!! I agree with you. You did not push her to the perimeter of your life - SHE pushed you to the perimeter of hers and demanded that you stay there.
Your aparents are the BEST and have raised one of my best firends to be a loving caring and compassionate person. I don't think anyone who knows anything more about you than what you have written in this blog could possibly "blame" them for anything.
I'm happy to see you back to your wonderful self, not fretting over what your nmom thinks anymore.
Keep It UP!!
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