This is my oldest daughter...

This weekend my children and I went to my nmother's house. I took the boys with me because my half-sister invited us to her daughter's birthday pool party. Even though I didn't feel obligated to go because she is my half-sister, I felt privileged to go. This is the first time she has invited me to anything. The boys had a great time at the party swimming and enjoyed being around everyone.

But I have to say, I don't like get togethers still. There were lots of people at the party and even cousins that I had never met. My mother introduced me to almost everyone there. Every time she would introduce me, she would say, "This is my oldest daughter ____". It was very different for me to hear it. I am the only daughter and the youngest in my adoptive family.

So now it is all in the open that I am the "oldest daughter". Ok, I can handle that now. The problem lies in the fact that most of the people she introduced me to knows the situation or did not know that there was another daughter in the family.

Let's go with they knew about me. I don't know if every adoptee goes through this, but when I was introduced to people that knew that "I was the one put up for adoption years ago", they would have that look in their eye. It is really hard to describe, but it was like, "oh, you are the one that came back into this family's life. You are the one that doesn't belong. Why can't you just stay away." Oh yeah, the look of "you do not belong here". "You are not part of this family." Yes, people can be kind and shake hands and say that they are glad to meet you, but it's that look they give you that means the most.

Now for the "they didn't know there was another daughter in the family." That look is not quite as bad but there is a "I didn't know there was another daughter. I thought (my sister's name) only had a brother. She has never spoken about a sister." You can tell that all this is going through a person's head when they meet me because they have been around my sister for years and I was never spoken of.

So how does this make me feel? Like I don't belong. When I am with my adoptive family, I feel like I belong because I have a history with them and we love each other very much. When I am with my natural family, I truly, deep down feel like I belong until something pops up and reminds me that I don't belong to my natural family. I am suppose to stay outside the circle and peek in. Granted, some times I even get to walk in the circle and enjoy it, but then I must eventually walk out and go back to my spot and peek in.

I really thought that some day the "stares" and the "looks" would end. It has with my immediate natural family, but with everyone else, it hasn't. I think I need to realize that the "stares" and the "looks" will never end. I feel like I have the word "ADOPTED" written on my forehead and I can't scrub it off.

Knowing Me

I have never questioned my relationship with my aparents. I know that no matter what, they will always be there for me if I need them. There are probably many, many times that I have disappointed my parents. Some of my choices that I have made in life, they have questioned. But it does not surprise them when I make the choices, because they know me and they know who I have become.

I question my relationship with my nmother. I have no clue if she would be there for me if I needed her. There are many, many times that I have disappointed her. She questions almost everything I do in life. She knows me, but she does not know the person I have become.

I think that my mother does not like the person I have become. Even though my brother, who is 5 years younger than me, acts just like me, and his and my mannerism are a lot alike, I am the sheep that doesn't belong to the flock.

I feel like she wishes that she wouldn't have put me up for adoption, then I would have turned out differently. I think she thinks I would be a different person if she would have raised me. Therefore, even though I am her daughter, she does not accept the person I have become.

My sister, who is 4 years younger than me, is very independent. She can manage her finances and does not have to be around family all the time. She thinks through most of her choices before making major decisions. She is a single mother to her daughter, but she does depend on our mother to help with babysitting if needed. She is friendly to others and seems to make friends easy. She is very outgoing and loves to work with children coaching different sports teams.

My brother is so far from being independent. He can not manage his finances and has to be around family a lot. He will make choices that are not great, at a moment's notice, and not even think about the consequences to his decisions. He has lived with his girlfriend for over 5 years with his son and recently in April finally married her. He has a daughter who lives in another state with her mother. I would not nominate him as father of the year, in fact, I would nominate him as one of the worst father's of the year. He is friendly, but has a sailor's mouth on him. Well, really his mouth is worse than a sailor's. He is constantly doing something all the time because he hardly can sit down and just enjoy sitting there. Common sense comes easy to him and he can almost fix anything.

Now me, I am a combination of both. Like my sister, I am very independent, single mother. I can manage my finances very well. I think through most of my choices before making major decisions. I am friendly to others and make friends very easily. I am very outgoing and love coaching girls softball. I am like my brother in the fact that I can't sit down and just enjoy the moment of doing nothing. I have to be constantly doing something. I help others if they ask and some times help even if they don't ask. Common sense comes easy for me and I can almost fix anything.

So the question I have is if I am the first born that has common traits of both my siblings, why can't my mother know the person I have become? Why can't she even like the person I have become? My answer: Because she didn't raise me. She thinks it would be different if she would have raised me therefore she can't accept the person I have become. She sees that my life and the decisions I have made are going great and God has blessed me with many, many things. She wonders if I would be where I am today if she would have raised me. She doesn't feel worthy enough to be my mother.

Is this true? Am I thinking right? Or am I so far out there that I have it all wrong?

Now Look At All This Mess You Have Gotten Us Into

Yesterday was not a good day to be an adoptee. If you read yesterday's post, you can tell how frustrated I get some days when new things are learned. It makes me think of what one adoptee had told me recently.

"Some days I wished I wasn't in this mess that my mother created."

Yeah, I have those thoughts too I have to admit. Now they are getting fewer and far between. My mother is in her late 50s and I am not sure if I will ever get the true story of my adoption process. She won't talk to me about it. She has even said "If I could fix it, I would." Now that tells me "what do you need me, as your mother, to do to help you through this?" Apparently what she said doesn't mean what I think it means. Therefore, I have no clue what she means. I even asked her the last time I saw her what did she mean, and she just looked at me shaking her head.

So this reminds me of my earlier days when I was very young. I would think, "I really wished my mother would at least try to fix how I feel about her and adoption. If she would just try." Now, I just have to keep telling myself that one day the doors are going to open wide up and everything will be great.

Processed

First of all, Cedar, the last sentence in your comment on my last blog was ok. I did not take it the wrong way. And thank you for your comments because I never think of this stuff that my mother might be going through without you mother's comments.

As far as "sneaking around behind my a-parent's back" to see my mother, I don't have to do that anymore. At first yes, I did because I didn't want to have to hear about it from them. I didn't want to have to hear, "you are going to see her again." "Don't you have things to do at your house." "You are gone all the time, can't you just stay home for once." "You need to spend some time with your boys." "Why don't you come and spend some time with us." OMG! I have heard every comment known to man by my a-parents. Luckily I just blow it off most of the time. And then some times I look at my a-mother and assure her that she is important in my life also and that I am not leaving them behind.

I don't think my n-mother feels bad that I used to have to sneak around to see her. Right now she has this, "I don't want to know what your parent's think about our relationship" thing going. It is almost like both of my mothers are battling for my time and it drives me absolute crazy. I start feeling like a possession and they are battling out who really owns me. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

So, now when I go visit my nmother, I end up telling my amother where I am going and usually she doesn't say anything. That was a load off my back when I quit sneaking around.

On the "are you certain you even want a mother-daughter relationship with her". I would love to say YES, I AM. But I am not really 100% sure that I want that. That goes back to that thing of me calling her "Mom". I just can't seem to do it. I feel myself backing away from the mother-daughter relationship because I am starting to think that my mother is backing away from it.

OMG these second guesses and the thoughts that run through our heads. This stuff makes me want to give up. Really!!

Ok, back to reality and not giving up....

You might want to read Cedar's comment on the previous post before reading further....

I would be really interested also in what she processed through the last 14 years. Did she just call it quits on our relationship? I would say so. Did she grieve on the process. Yeah, I don't think so. Since she won't tell me, then I have to assume that she just figured that I didn't want to be a part of her life so she wasn't going to push it or have any contact with me. Like I have said previously, she never wrote, emailed, called, or came to visit. Oh, she was capable of picking up that phone and even had my phone number, but she didn't. So she pretty much wrote me off.

I was even thinking today that in the last few years, I would call her on her cell phone and it would go to voicemail. She knew who was calling her, uh..., I am assuming she had my phone number in her cell. Crude, she might have not even put me in her cell. Anyway, if my number was not in her cell, she new my area code and I would think she would have known that it was me calling her. So I would get her voicemail and wouldn't leave a message; just hung up. Did she call me back? NO!

Where is this all coming from? I still haven't dealt with some of the past yet. I still haven't dealt with calling her "Mom". I am at the point where I either need to drop the past totally and never have my questions answered, or I ask my mother and take a chance of ruining our relationship by asking questions she doesn't want to answer.

And Suz, I really hate to say this, but if you want to know how I was at 21 years old, look at your daughter and the way she acts toward you. Yep, that was me back then. So, I am sorry for what you are having to go through.

Unlearning

Cedar had an interesting comment on my Why Oh Why post. She was very on target with her comments.

Yes, my mother wanted a mother-daughter relationship when we first met 18 years ago when I was 21 years old. But I shot that down after a few months of contact because I didn't go into my reunion to have a relationship with my mother. I found her to answer the questions I had had all my life. That was it. In fact my letter to her was, "thank you for meeting with me. I really appreciate you answering all the questions that I asked you and that was my whole purpose of meeting you. I do not want a relationship with you and I am sorry that I can't give that to you."

Now, don't shake your head in disgust. That was a long, long time ago and I was very young. As I was growing up, I had questions about my adoption that no one could answer except for my mother. My goal was to meet her, see what she looks like, ask her questions, tell her I was ok, and go on about my life. That was it. I NEVER, EVER imagined having a relationship with her especially a mother-daughter relationship. I didn't think I needed that. So after meeting with her, I had gotten everything I needed and never thought about what she wanted. After many letters (thank goodness we didn't have Internet back then), I felt that I couldn't handle her wanting something more than I wanted and thought I needed to tell her that I didn't want a relationship. Gosh, if I could go back in time and tell that 21 year old that it was ok to build a relationship or even consider a relationship with my mother, I would.

So here we are. After Cedar's comment, I never considered that my mother might still be keeping that in the back of her head. Does she have to relearn the last 18 years? I have moved on and am ready for a relationship. Why can't she? If I am part of her, and I can change my mind and rethink things, why can't she? Or am I more like my natural father? Is he like this and she is not? Don't know since I can't find him.

"Did she get counseling?", cedar asked. I do remember that 14 years ago, when we were sort of trying to build a relationship, she did finally go see a counselor to talk with, but I don't know what came of that. I am sure he told her that she could never have a mother-daughter relationship with me, so maybe she is going off of that. If that is the case, that was so many years ago, can we not make our own decisions now?

Cedar also said, "I wonder what your mother's expectations now are, what she feels are the boundaries she must respect, and if she feels that she must keep ALL her emotions and hopes to herself."

To answer this I must say, I am not a self-centered, it is all about me, person. Really I am not. But I do feel that I am the only one that is having issues about our relationship. I don't think my mother is having issues because she doesn't talk about them, or even give the slightest hint that she has issues. So that being said, my mother has expectations? boundaries she thinks she has to respect? and she feels she has to keep ALL her emotions and hopes to herself? You are kidding, right? I have never thought about this. My answer would be she doesn't care about all this, well, maybe the boundaries, but they are for her. I would think she is keeping boundaries for herself so that she doesn't get hurt, because she (I don't think) is confident enough to know that I am in this relationship for good and won't walk away.

Cedar's last comment: "This might sound harsh, but from my own experience my guess is that you taught her for 18 years that you don't want her as a mother -- this lesson she learned may take a LONG time to unlearn, if she can "unlearn" it at all."

Are you kidding? No way!!! I really get what happened in the BSE years and what happened to our mothers back then, but why can't she just decide to be happy. "Hey my daughter is finally back in my life, so now I am going to be happy and look to the future; not the past." If I can get past being angry for 39 years of my life, then why can't she get past her issues?

Can we not get in the same boat and flow down the river together?

Why Oh Why

Suz commented on my "Mom" post with the following:

"Do you have any idea why you dont feel comfortable with it? Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? Or do you feel your first mom doesn't deserve the title or the term of endearment? Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her?"

Let me see if I can answer these:
Do you have any idea why you don't feel comfortable with it? I have thought about this since she asked me to call her Mom. I am uncomfortable because I have never thought of her as my Mom before. I have thought of her as my mother, but never Mom. She has never treated me like she is my Mom. I think that is why I am uncomfortable with it, because she doesn't treat me like she is my Mom. She treats me like I am the step-child that is here and no one can get rid of. (that's another story)

Is it seemingly disloyal to your adoptive mom? I use to think that I was being disloyal to my adoptive mom, but now I don't feel that way. My natural mother did ask me what would happen if I messed up and called my nmother "Mom" in front of my adoptive mom. Uh...I dunno know. I would probably come up with something clever to dismiss it. Do I call this disloyalty? No, but you might.

Or do you feel your first mom doesn't deserve the title or the term of endearment? Wow, what a tough question. You might think this is stupid and I am trying to be honest here, but if the question was about "term of endearment", then yes, she deserves to be called Mom. But, if the question was "does she deserve the title?" Deep down? How do I really feel? No. I am still not there yet. Which brings me to the next question:

Do you have unresolved feelings that cause you to struggle with that title for her? YES!!! And I am having problems figuring out how to get them resolved. She won't help. So until I get them resolved I really don't think I can call her Mom.

With that being said, I still would really, really, really like to call her that, but just can't. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!

Mom

Unfortunately, I am still stuck on what to call my mother. I have determined that calling her by her first name for me is being disrespectful to her. She means more to me than just calling her by her name. So if I won't call her by her name, then what else can I call her besides "Mom". Yeah, nothing. There is either call her by her name or "Mom". There is nothing in between.

This is driving me crazy though. I am even to the point of talking with my friends on the reason why I just can't seem to call her Mom when I am talking to her. I can call her Mom on this blog or even when I am talking about her to other people, but when it comes to calling her Mom "to her", well, I just can't seem to do it.

I even thought maybe if I would talk to her about it, she might have a suggestion or so. Yeah, that didn't work either. She even is getting frustrated with me talking to her about it. Her comment was, "I want you to call me Mom when you are comfortable. If you have a problem with it then just call me by my name."

"No, I really, really, really, really, really want to call you Mom but I just can't seem to do it. Ok, ok, here is the deal. If I call you Mom and you decide that you don't like me doing that and you change your mind, I can't go back. It would kill me. I have no guarantee right now that you won't change your mind or even stay in this relationship. I am sorry that I am so insecure about our relationship", I said.

And then she didn't say anything.

The next day, I spoke up again about it and said, "I really wished you would help me out with this."

"If I could, I would." She said. "If I could fix it I would. I don't even know where to start."

So I am out here in "what to do" land with no help.

Did I ever say how much I hate adoption!