Accepting What Is Given

After thinking things through, I have finally put the pieces together on my relationship with my nmother. For the last year and a half my life changed drastically. I became someone else in my quest for seeking me it seems.

When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.

Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.

In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.

I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.

For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.

The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.