Growing up adopted, I always wondered what it would be like to be around my natural mother. The word "relationship" really never entered my mind until years later after we had reunited. My feelings have bounced all over the place in 41 years.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
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2 comments:
Second Time Around said:
"If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life"
Tell me how a mother, and she is your mother, has to come to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. So many adoptee's can't and don't understand that WE mothers didn't want to surrender our babies, there was no alternative, no help, anywhere.
I can't come to "terms" with "MY" decison, as it wasn't my decision, have told my son this but he just goes along with the crap that involves never acknowledging we mothers had no choice.
his choice for his unborn baby was abortion, so he has no one to have to convince that it wasn't HIS choice, no baby. But again he had a choice there and took it. WE didn't have ANY choices, I have been in reunion for over 16 yrs so you sound like my son's age.
beauty of adoption is it tears true families apart, harming mother's and babies where there is NO acknowledgement from those who had a choice, to not help us, to adopt excetera.
these are the facts and if one doesn't care to listen all is lost.
I SO NEED TO READ EVERY ADOPTEES JOURNEY AS A FIRSTMOM NOW IN REUNION. AS A FIRSTMOM MY PAIN,MOURNING CONTINUES. ALL OF OUR FAMILIES ARE ON BOARD. THE STATEMENT NO CHOICE HAUNTS ME. IM STRONG ENOUGH TO JOURNEY ON WARD BUT I DO KNOW MANY FIRST MOMS ARE NOT. I PRAY FOR THE STRENGHT AND EDUCATION THEY NEED.
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