Ok, here is the deal why I haven't written in awhile. My nmother's office goes on a 4-day weekend trip every year. She asked me to go with her this year.
I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.
I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.
That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.
I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?
These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.
It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.
So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.
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Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.
It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.
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4 comments:
You should live your life as you see fit. I think you can be in your parents life and your natural mother's life too. Why do you have to be like them? I think parents should love you just the way you. If we were all the same then life would be boring. I have trouble with my husband, because he is set in his ways and this is how I do it. I tell him, I am not you. I am me. You need to be yourself. I hope everyone can accept you for you.
Identity crises are abundant in reunion. It sounds like both ends of the string are your illusions. Maybe you're the whole ball of string acting out different roles in different situations.
You are much more than your identity.
T, you have so much angst over the divide between your N and A families. I can't say, being a mom and not an adoptee. My son certainly doesn't know who he is on any given day. Not does he get me.
I recommend being YOU, work on that, figuring out who you are and living that life. Even if that doesn't match anyone, and if it matches one family more than the other, embrace that, and accept those different from you. Just as you would with friends and acquaintances. I can do this. Or I can't.
I was raised in my natural family and other than a few idiosyncrasies, we are nothing alike. Genetics and environment be damned. You are who you are and that's the bottom line. Embrace it!
Jumping between two families is the particular curse of the adopted, I think. After our reunion, my daughter loved to point out whenever she found ways in which we were alike, but in time she did admit that the closer we became, the harder it was to stay connected to her adoptive mother. But then her adoptive mother really set it up as an either/or situation and when I, natural/first/birth mother did not disappear from my daughter's life, her adoptive mother came to resent me, even though she was friendly when we met.
Be yourself as much as you can. Please yourself. As Denise says, even in always-connected families there are big differences. I am close to one brother, somewhat distant from the other. It's life. You'll find the way.
lorraine from firstmotherforum.com
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