Peace With Yourself

Been on vacation. Needed to catch up on some questions others have asked in some comments. So here they are.

In the post, "You Can't Change What Happened", birthmothertalks asked me if I was "basically saying that in order for birthmoms to have a relationship with their children they have to come to terms with their past choices."

I do believe that is what I am saying. I am not saying that coming to terms with the choices is admitting that you are the only party responsible for the choices that were made. I am saying that you need to come to terms with the fact that no one can go back to the past when we were born and change what happened. Stop yearning for your "baby" to be with you. In my case, I am all grown up now, had a good life, and don't really want to change what happened. (there are some stupid stuff I did as a kid that I would love to change, but that is another story).

I am also not saying that you have to "say that all is well and it's okay and that everything happened the way it did." This still goes back to, you can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Recently in the past several months, I finally came to terms with what happened. I can't change that I am adopted and in my case, do not want to change this fact. However, for a year and a half I did try to become this "non-adopted person" because I thought that everything wasn't okay and my attitude reflected that being put up for adoption was not good and not growing up with my natural mother was awful. But as I finally came to terms with the fact that I can't change what happened, peace finally set in. It is allowing me to know that I can have a future with my natural mother if I choose so. This choice is mine and can't be something that is pushed on me or used to make me feel guilty if I choose not to have a relationship with my natural family.

This peace doesn't mean that everything is great and wonderful and no problems happen. I don't know of any family that is great and wonderful and have no problems. It means that I am confident in who I am. It means that I can live life daily without having to wonder what my heart is feeling. I can live daily knowing where I stand in my relationship with my adoptive family and my natural family. I know that if my natural mother decides that I am a "little" part of her life, then that is HER choice and I can't change the way she feels. I can help her, if she ask, but she has to make her own choices just like I do mine.

I still think that if she would find that peace within herself, then the choices she makes about our relationship would settle down and make our relationship better. But she must find that peace herself. It can't come from someone else.

P.S. Cedar also asked me if she was willing to see someone or read books. I have asked and have even left the book at her house. She returned the book and told me she would not read it. She has also informed that she doesn't need a counselor or talk with someone.