I just have to get something out of my system so that I can feel like I can move forward better in my relationship with nmom. Being reunited for many years, I have a lot of time to look back on and see a lot of mistakes I have made. Our relationship right now is hindered because of the mistakes I have made. I am not sure if I could even call them mistakes. I really should call them immature, dumb, stupid things that I did. Anyway, there is this particular one that I have been thinking about a lot lately.
Way back in the 1990s, when I was seeing nmom for several weeks at a time, we would get into discussions about my adoption and all the questions that I could ask about it. Even though I was seeking answers to those questions, my main goal was something different. I have mentioned before that I would ask questions in the past, but would really not hear the answers to be able to put them into memory. Normally there was only one thing I was pushing for in these discussions. I was waiting on the answer "Because I am your mother!". I would keep asking "why?" and kept pushing for the "why" answer. She would never say "because I am your mother" even though I know she wanted to many, many times.
I really don't blame her for not ever saying that. If she would have said it, oh the anger from all those years of not knowing her would have just came out and everyone would have had to duck or move out of the way because I would have let it all out.
"What, you think you are my mother? You are not my mother. You didn't raise me. You didn't come find me. You didn't come to my school activities. You didn't help me through college. Oh did I mention, YOU WERE NOT THERE!!! And why was that?"
I know that there were a lot more sayings that I would have sad, but since I have grown up a whole lot and matured a lot, I really can't remember all the things I would have said.
Back then I needed for her to hear how much it really hurt me that she was not there in the first 21 years of my life. I really needed her to understand my feelings and then be able to "fix" everything that I had gone through since I was adopted. But she wouldn't. Now I assume she wouldn't because she hadn't dealt with all her feelings either and couldn't handle all mine on top of hers. But doing this really hindered our relationship for 18 more years.
On a good note, I really wished she would have said it even though I would have snapped back. Then I would have known where she stood in this "adoption" stuff. I would have known that no matter what, she still thought of me as her daughter and she as my mother. Since she would never confirm it or even get to that spot of "ok we know where everyone stands now", I would just figure that she didn't want me to be her daughter any more and I needed to move on with my life.
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6 comments:
OUCH!!! You have expressed most everything that natural moms are afraid to hear. I understand your pain, and I have to believe she does too (or at least is trying). These kinds of relationships take years to settle. And a lot of trust and kindness on both sides. If you really want a relationship, I hope you will cut her some slack. If you do, perhaps she'll do the same.
I wonder how old you are. If she relinquished you during the Baby Scoop Era. In any case, because the pressure to put babies up for adoption still occurs, I encourage you to read "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. It might help you to understand the trauma that your mother endured in losing you.
Your pain is not greater than hers, nor is hers greater than yours
Denise,
On my next birthday, I will be 40. Thanks for the suggestion of reading "The Girls Who Went Away". I was encouraged a few months ago to read it and I did. Wow what a powerful book. I did not realize what really went on during the BSE years until I read that book. I read the book, I asked my adoptive mother to read it and after that asked my natural mother to read. She still has it.
The "Don't You Dare!" story was when I was probably around the age of 25 or 26 years old and was still in my immature thinking of adoption years.
Now, our relationship is so much better and I love to hear her introduce me to others as her daughter.
It is sad that some of us adoptees end up taking years and years to get to a point where we understand what our mothers went through and want to build a relationship instead of tearing it down.
This story sounds familiar to me, words put on part of my experience, except I am the mother. A couple years ago my daughter, Joy, suggested I read "The Girls Who Went Away". So far I haven't. My first response was I lived that. Why would I want to read about it?
I want to know how to work the reunion part. I want to know how to take care of myself and my family, to build and nurture a foundation for us.
It helps to hear from others in similar situations. Love to you and your mom and all.
Sorry for the misunderstanding of the time frame. I think reading your post triggered memories of my son's attitude when we were first reunited. (He was in his late twenties then, now almost 38.) I'm glad that you now have a better understanding of your mom's situation and that your relationship is going well.
Being Me: There are a lot of good books out there, both for healing and understanding the adoptee's side of adoption. Do you have a good book list? If not, check out the one at www.pacer-adoption.org
Denise: No problem and sorry for triggering memories.
Being Me: Just a thought, but have you ever thought that your daughter wants you to read a book that she has read so that there will be a start of many common things that you have that you can only share with each other?
I asked my mother to read the book so that it might be a way that we could talk about our feelings and understand each other. I remember when I asked her to read it, I opened the book and turned to a couple of pages into the first chapter and said, "if you ever want to know how I feel, read this paragraph. This is exactly how I feel." I don't have the book right now, because I left it with her so I can't quote the paragraph.
If your daughter is like me she didn't ask you to read the book so that you would "relive" the past, she asked you to read it so that both of you could talk about things and help your relationship. I wished that my mother would read the book because it would tell me that she trusted me enough to know that I wasn't asking her to "relive" the past, that I was asking her to read it so that our relationship could grow.
Believe me when I say, reading "The Girls Who Went Away" was a very difficult book to read for me because it made my heart hurt to think that our society would do such a thing and that our Moms went through so much. But I did it so that I could heal some of my adoption wound.
Thanks for your thoughts. Actually my daughter hasn't read the book either. She did give me her blog address and reading that and many of her links helped me tremendously. Reading Lifton's Journey of the Adopted Self was very helpful too.
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