Throwing In The Towel

I am sure that no one else in reunion has ever thought about throwing in the towel and giving up on their relationship with their reunited child. Right? I would consider myself an expert at throwing in the towel with my reunited mother. I really could not count on both of my hands how many times I have done this in the last 18 years.

In the last few months, there has been so, so many times that I was swinging that towel over my head and ready to release it and walk away. Yep, that’s it. I am done with this thing called reunited mother relationship. I have really had it.

If it wasn’t for my strong will to make it through this time and make it over that bump in the road (really I think it is a wall), I would have said “Adios” awhile back. Plus the fact that my brother just laughs at me and says, “she’s your Mom” and then I say back to him “nope, she’s your Mom” and then he tells me to hang in there, it will get better.

Are you kidding me? Get better? Get better means that Mom and I are communicating. That we are talking together. That I can call her without the butterflies in my stomach going crazy thinking that she doesn’t want to talk with me. That having lunch together is no big deal. That having a weekend visiting is great and wonderful and we learn more and more about each other.

I recently asked Mom to go on vacation with me; just her and I. I am turning 40 in the next few months and want to have fun on my birthday and go on a cruise. She told me that she would like to go and give her a few days to think about it. A few days later, we talk and she can’t go and can’t explain why. Oh I know why, her other daughter, my sister, would throw a fit. So Mom keeps the other daughter happy and feeling like she is number uno, while I am over here with my mouth wide-opened not believing that we can never take a vacation together. Oh I feel that towel swinging over my head.

She also told me that right now she can’t afford to pay for her portion of the cruise. I said don’t worry, I have already taken care of payment and it was a birthday present to me from me. Apparently I broke one of the rules of reunited relationships.

Thou shalt not pay for eating out, gifts, or give money to reunited mother!

You have got to be kidding!!! Who wrote this rule? Not an adoptee, that is for sure.

So, someone needs to write a rule book. Call it “Mother To Adopted Child: Things You Should Never Do”

Now that I got that out of my system, here is how I really feel.

I can’t believe my mother can not stand up to my sister. My sister is not going to leave her if Mom stands up to her. It is easier to hurt me, than to stand up to the daughter she raised. I can’t believe that Mom still hides behind her feelings that she has for me. Instead of doing things that she wants to do with me, she pulls away so that she doesn’t have to cross the bump in the road and have to deal with our relationship. Will this pushing away ever end? Will we ever get over the bump in the road that we always come to at some point in time in our relationship? Will the day come that I have had enough of this hurting and throw in the towel again?