Reunion Part III

I moved back to the states finally and did not contact my nmom until 7 months later. I went to visit her at her home and ended up staying in her town for several weeks. I wanted to know how it would be to live in the same town with her and know her. That was very trying on our relationship because I wanted an instant relationship and she closed up. Her closing up hurt me very much and came out as anger toward her. I eventually took a job in a town that her mother lived at and was about 90 miles from where she lived. Her mother, my grandmother, was a very nice lady.

I didn't have a place to live when I moved so I ended up staying at my natural grandmother's house for a month until I found a house. I really enjoyed staying there and getting to know her. She was very nice to me and very polite. After I moved out of her house, we would continue to see each other on a regular basis.

I ended up falling in love with this guy and all of a sudden it was not important to have a relationship with my nmom anymore. I don't know if it was because I put everything I had into my relationship with this guy or that we just quit talking. I kept in touch with my ngrandmother and I guess my nmom would talk with her and keep up with what was going on in my life.

I ended up marrying the guy. There are some things I regret about my wedding. A few of them are: That I had one, marrying the guy, and not inviting anyone in my natural family to my wedding. We ended up having our first son a year later and then moved to a different city. My husband was totally against me talking with my nmom. I have met other adoptees and they have said the same thing. Gosh, what is that all about? So needless to say, I did not pursue a relationship with my nmom while I was married. I did keep my relationship with my half-brother and he ended up living with me and my husband for a little while. I really, really enjoyed that.

My nmom moved to the same metroplex city that we lived but she was still 30-45 minutes away. One day she came over with my half-brother to visit with us. That was the only time she had met my son and that was the only time we saw each other while we lived there. I think we talked on the phone maybe a couple of times, but no relationship building was going on.

I ended up having my 2nd son, moved to the city where I am now and ended my marriage a year later for reason that I would rather not say at this time.

In the last few years, I have been a single parent to my 2 boys and work full-time. I have called my nmom a couple of times in the last few years to update on addresses. One day my brother called me to tell me that our grandmother had passed away and her funeral was the next day. I wanted to go to her funeral because I hadn't seen her in about a year. It turns out that she had cancer and when they found it her passed away 3 months later. I ended up not being able to go and regret that decision. Later I called my nmom and asked her why she hadn't called or even why didn't she call me months ago when she was sick. She has since regretted that decision also.

I did fail to mention in my Reunion Posts that every birthday that I have had, I have received a birthday card from her since we reunited. I really appreciated the cards and am glad she would remember my birthday every year. But, I would have to say if she would have called just to say "Happy Birthday" that would have been better.

I am having a little bit of a hard time turning 40 on my next birthday. I am really going through the "mid-life crisis" stage bad. I look back on my life and if you would have asked me what would I be doing at 40, I would have told you something totally different than what I am doing now.

Last summer, my mind started telling me to call my nmom and that it was time for me to catch her up on what was going on in my life. So I called her in August and asked if I could come visit for Labor Day weekend. When I drove to her house and got out of the car, I hate to admit it, but I said "Crap, this wasn't a good idea!" We ended up having a good weekend together and I stayed over an extra day.

I ended up visiting with her too much and asking too many questions. Instead of us talking through things, we would hold it in and it would come out totally the wrong way. One day, I was in an airport flying to Washington DC for a week trip for my job, and the TSA agents took most of my make-up from my bag and throwing it away. What made me so mad was that I have been through many airports with that same make-up and it past the 3-4oz rule, but with this airport, the TSA people wanted to throw it away. I was so mad. My anger with the TSA agents all of sudden merged with the feelings I was having with my reunion with my nmom. Don't know how that happened, but it did. So I called my nmom and told her that I was so mad and what had happened with the TSA and that I just wished all this tension that I feel with our relationship would be over with.

I thought I was the only one having tension about our relationship. Nope, apparently she was too and she decided to voice her tension. Let's see it went kinda like this: "That's it. I do not want a relationship with you. Blood means nothing. You are not my daughter. I am not your mother. And my other daughter has nothing to do with me saying this. I want you out of my life." Then I said, "Ok, when you change your mind, call me." Yep, that was it. It would have felt better if she would have hit me in the head with a hammer. And then that followed a week later with a "get out of my life and have a good life" email because apparently the phone call wasn't good enough. Hit me anywhere, but in my heart. But the part that got me the most was when she wrote in the email "I want my life back the way it was." Wow, so her life had changed as much as mine in the last coupld of months? So we are in the same boat without knowing we were in that same boat.

Good news is that we are talking and seeing each other again, but it took some "growing up" for me to get there. I realized that I couldn't keep beating her up over giving me up or anything in the past. I realized that going slow in a relationship will be a good thing and help make the relationship grow.

Thanksgiving this past year was the worst because all this turmoil and Christmas, well, I was so glad when it was over. I didn't get to be with my nmom on either of them. I hope 2008 will be a good year!