My last post had a comment that I thought needed to be answered.
I had said in my previous post:
"If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life…"
Anonymous said:
“Tell me how a mother, and she is your mother, has to come to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. So many adoptee's can't and don't understand that WE mothers didn't want to surrender our babies, there was no alternative, no help, anywhere.”
My natural mother had a secret for years. ME. Then 21 years later, after I was born, I forced that secret out. It wasn’t intentional and I never thought for one second that I was a secret from her family. I am still a secret at times. There are still times that she will not admit that she had a child when she was 17 years old.
My natural mother does need to come terms with the decisions that she has made. Whether that was her making the choice for giving me up or someone forcing her, she has to come to terms with that. I am not asking her to admit that it was “her” decision. I am saying that she needs to come to terms with the decisions.
For our relationship to be able to grow and not be held back over something that happened 41 years ago, she has to come to terms. Yes, she gave birth to me. Yes, she gave me away. Yes, we reunited and it flopped big time. Yes, we found each other again. She can’t allow the past to mold our relationship anymore.
So, Anonymous, you asked me to tell you how a mother comes to terms with a decision that more than likely was pushed on her. If my natural mother asked me this, I would say to her:
“Admit to yourself that you are not perfect. Admit to yourself that you gave birth to me and you gave me up. If you had to do it all over again, you probably would not make the same decision, but back then, when you were 17 years old, you didn’t know any better. You didn’t know that years later, that decision would affect your life. YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED. Admit to yourself that you make mistakes in your life or decisions in your life that you think you shouldn’t have made. Most of all, quit thinking that I was “that” child that you gave up. I am a person; not “that child” you gave away. You might not think of me as totally your daughter or that you have a right to be my mother and this thinking is what is allowing our relationship to not be able to be whole.
I don’t think how life could have been different if I wasn’t adopted. I don’t constantly think about adoption. I think about the present and the future and how I can make a difference in our relationship.
As long as you are constantly going over and over in your head about what happened, our relationship can’t grow. Come to terms with what happened and look to the future. Stop allowing the past to smother what the future holds.”
Monday, June 22, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
My Puzzle Is Complete
Growing up adopted, I always wondered what it would be like to be around my natural mother. The word "relationship" really never entered my mind until years later after we had reunited. My feelings have bounced all over the place in 41 years.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
I believe I have connected the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to my natural mother. What a good feeling that is. I can look at our relationship now and see the big picture. I always thought that if I could see the big picture or even get to the end of the tunnel, then I would be finally settled in our relationship.
I can not say the same for my natural mother. I am not sure if she will ever fit all her pieces of her puzzle together or get to the end of her tunnel. I believe she wants to be able to one day be able to step out of the tunnel and finally see everything opened up. No walls; no boundaries; no bouncing around. Openness!
I have had many natural mothers tell me that when they put their child up for adoption, the agency, the doctors, the nurses, and others literally screwed with their head. Told them things that should have never been said. Said things that were totally lies. And though I am not doubting that this happened to my natural mother, I do not believe that this is not stopping her from being able to put the pieces on her puzzle together. Not stopping her from reaching the end of the tunnel. There are other issues there that are stopping her.
In December 2008, it seemed that I was becoming one of her best friends. You might even say I was becoming "her daughter", but I would rather say "one of her best friends." We would talk about things that only friends would talk about. She would ask my opinion on situations and really listened. We were finally enjoying each other's company. We had worked through issues, we had both were working together on our relationship. The past was the past and we were looking toward the future.
Months later in March 2009, everything that we had built came to a screeching halt with no explanation. Even though, she has never spoken to me about what happened, I believe several things happened.
My natural mother is very close to her other daughter. Very close. They do everything together and live within a mile of each other. This other daughter has one daughter, who is 9, and spends a lot of time with my natural mother. I believe that my natural mother realized that she was enjoying my company as much as she enjoys the company of her other daughter and decided that it was not fair to her other daughter for me to be on the same level. I believe she was thinking that her other daughter would not appreciate me being on the same playing field and that it interrupted the family bond or her bond with her other daughter.
If my natural mother was willing to finally come to terms with the decisions she has made in her life, I believe she would admit that when she had her second daughter, she vowed to not allow anyone come between them or get close to their relationship. This even included her husband at the time and any other siblings, including my brother who was born to her a year later. She is the type of person that once her mind is made up, she will not change it no matter who it affects.
The big picture is that I will be in her life, but a separate piece of her life. For her to be able to live with herself and the past decisions, I will always remain the way my life started: separate. We will be a somewhat family, but she will always have her family and then me. Realizing and coming to terms with this allows me to stay out of the tunnel and my puzzle completed.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Accepting What Is Given
After thinking things through, I have finally put the pieces together on my relationship with my nmother. For the last year and a half my life changed drastically. I became someone else in my quest for seeking me it seems.
When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.
Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.
In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.
I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.
For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.
The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.
When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.
Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.
In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.
I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.
For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.
The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I Am One Person
Ok, here is the deal why I haven't written in awhile. My nmother's office goes on a 4-day weekend trip every year. She asked me to go with her this year.
I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.
I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.
That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.
I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?
These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.
It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.
So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.
**************************
Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.
It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.
I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.
I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.
That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.
I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?
These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.
It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.
So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.
**************************
Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.
It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.
Monday, March 23, 2009
What She Really Feels
One of my conversations I had with my nmother this weekend:
nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."
Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."
Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?
Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.
nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."
Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."
Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?
Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Analyzing Me
Most of you know that I contacted my nmother when I was 21 and did not have a good relationship with her until I was 39. A bachelors degree, marriage, children, career changes, divorce, and masters degree came and went on those 18 years of non-relationship with her.
Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.
I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.
When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.
I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.
During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)
So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.
But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.
Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.
I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.
When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.
I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.
During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)
So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.
But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.
Friday, March 13, 2009
My Birthday
I recently had a birthday and my afamily always gets together on family birthdays. We plan ahead, figure out when we are going to meet, and where the event will occur. This year my birthday fell on a weekday and during spring break. Therefore, we are going to get together on the weekend and eat together at a restaurant. We usually decide to have it on a weekend where the whole family can gather at my parent's house and spend the whole weekend together. That is what I am used to.
When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.
The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.
It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.
But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.
I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".
Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"
When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.
The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.
It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.
But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.
I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".
Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"
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