Accepting What Is Given

After thinking things through, I have finally put the pieces together on my relationship with my nmother. For the last year and a half my life changed drastically. I became someone else in my quest for seeking me it seems.

When I decided to start my relationship back up with my nmother, I started to change who I was. I was trying to be my nmother's daughter. Trying to be a part of her family. At the same time, I was burying the person who I was. It seemed I became very stressed out about life and that my life had a tornado running right smack down the middle of it.

Since my last writing and after many, many conversations with family and friends, I have found me again. I didn't need to go looking for myself. I was right here all the time. I believe that all my life I had always wondered who I would have become if my nmother would have kept me. In the last year and a half, I tried to become that person. I now realize that that person doesn't exist nor will they ever. I think that some things would be different, but deep down, I would still be the same person.

In the last 2 months, my nmother and I still have a relationship, but it is defined differently than what it has been in the past. My nmother wants me in her life, but I am a separate part of her life. She keeps me separated from everything and that is the way she survives. I have finally come to terms with this knowing that I will not be her "complete" daughter and knowing that she will not be my mother even though she is my natural mother.

I believe that when she made the decision to give me away, she set it in her mind and has never allowed herself to change her mind when it concerns me. I will always have that piece of her heart that started 41 years ago, but that piece will always stay the size it started. It will probably never grow any larger, since she will not allow it to. She gives me what she can give and I have accepted that.

For me, life is good again and calmer. I don't go visit her anymore. She doesn't ask me to come visit. I allow her to define what she wants which means she does the calling or emailing. I am spending a whole lot of time with my afamily and putting the pieces back together with them because some pieces broke off during this last year and a half.

The one thing I do ask people to pray for is that someday I will find my natural father. I have stopped my search for him because I have exhausted all resources and when I say all resources, I mean all resources. I have a ton of information that leads to nowhere. I have even had lengthy conversations with men, who are named the same, over the phone. (Apparently some love to talk on the phone.) I have even written The Locator as a last resort and they won't take the case. I am not sure where to go or where God will lead me in this journey to find him, but I am sitting still and waiting on God to show me what to do next. Just pray that God will show me what I need to do to continue the search.

I Am One Person

Ok, here is the deal why I haven't written in awhile. My nmother's office goes on a 4-day weekend trip every year. She asked me to go with her this year.

I can say we haven't spoken since we have been back. I realize now how different we are and how my upbringing was totally different than how she brought up her other 2 children. For 4 days I could do nothing right. It seems that she doesn't only notice the different mannerisms that I have, she has to voice them as well now.

I am not sure if she treated me the way she did because we were with all her office friends or what. Her office knows who I am and for me, it was nice to be able to allow them to get to know me.

That weekend has put a strain on our relationship. We will still have a relationship, but it will be defined differently.

I have been in my nmother's life for a year and a half now. During that time my relationship with my parents became strained. I was trying to figure out who I was. Am I my parent's daughter or am I my nmother's daughter? Do I get my mannerisms from my parents or my nmother? Do I get my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior from my parents or nmother?

These questions had put me in a tail-spin for the last year and a half. I felt like my mother was on one of a string and my nmother on the other end. If I gave a 100% of my thoughts/time/self to one, the other got 0%. If I gave 75% to one, the other got 25%. I could not separate the two. If I got closer to one, I withdrew from the other.

It is time for me to separate the two. They are two completely different people.

So for now, my parents and I are talking again and spending time with each. For my nmother, I am not sure what will happen in the future. Again, we will have a relationship, but I am not sure how it will be defined. But for now, I am spending time with my children and adoptive family. If my nmother wants me to visit, then she will need to call and request it, which usually doesn't happen.


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Seriously, this is really a tough situation. I liked my life and was very happy before I got back into my nmother's life. But after we started spending time together, my life changed. My attitudes and behaviors changed. I tried to be like my natural family, but they are completely different than me. They are a lot opposite than me. I had even gotten to the point where I didn't like myself because of the way I was acting.

It is past time that I put my life where I am going to be happy. Where I can like myself and others respect my behavior. I am who I am. I am ONE person. I am not 2 different people: the baby that my nmother gave up and the child that my parent's raised. I am ONE person. I can live my life KNOWING who my parents are and KNOWING that they will stick beside me no matter what. And I can live my life KNOWING my nmother and having a relationship with her, but also knowing that she is who she is and our relationship is different and will not be a parent relationship. At this point, I am not sure if it can even be a mother/daughter relationship.

What She Really Feels

One of my conversations I had with my nmother this weekend:

nMom: "I don't feel like I am your mother, but I feel that you are my daughter."

Me: "I don't feel like you are my mother, but I feel I am your daughter."

Are we the only reunited mother/daughter that feels like this?

Even though I call her "Mom" it still takes that one second pause to get it out. It doesn't seem like I have that mother/daughter bond that my amother and I have. I know in time that this will come, but I still don't have it. It gets easier and easier as time passes, but we still have a ways to go.

Analyzing Me

Most of you know that I contacted my nmother when I was 21 and did not have a good relationship with her until I was 39. A bachelors degree, marriage, children, career changes, divorce, and masters degree came and went on those 18 years of non-relationship with her.

Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.

I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.

When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.

I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.

During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)

So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.

But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.

My Birthday

I recently had a birthday and my afamily always gets together on family birthdays. We plan ahead, figure out when we are going to meet, and where the event will occur. This year my birthday fell on a weekday and during spring break. Therefore, we are going to get together on the weekend and eat together at a restaurant. We usually decide to have it on a weekend where the whole family can gather at my parent's house and spend the whole weekend together. That is what I am used to.

When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.

The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.

It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.

But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.

I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".

Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"

Papers

I wrote on this many months ago, but this still is bothering me today.

I have been granted all my nmother’s records from the adoption agency, but have not taken the offer yet. I still catch myself doing things in steps and when I am ready to have those records all to myself, I will get them. I have seen them and know what is there, but still not prepared to have them to myself.

What still bothers me:

“I understand that either way, once the Court terminates my parental rights, I have no further say concerning my child.”

This sentence was on the adoption contract that my nmother was forced to sign.

Did she really think she had no further say concerning me?

Did she just sign the paper knowing that was what she needed to do at the time?

Did she even read the papers?

What if she read the papers, did she think that maybe someday she might have a say concerning me?

This part gets me: The agency probably told her that I wasn’t her child, but in this statement, the agency admits that I was her child.

Joining Families

My nmother and I planned a day out on Valentine's Day and we went on a small trip that took all day. We ended up visiting several museums that were about an hour away from her house. My cousin, from my adoptive family, and a friend from my work went with us. My friend and I ended up in a different part of one of the museums, so my cousin and my nmother were together for an hour. They ended up going to a cafe there and talked until my friend and I showed up. It was good to hear that my nmother really likes my cousin and my cousin really likes my nmother.

My cousin and I are so much alike. We are the only ones with dark hair in the family. We are very, very similar and have done a lot together in our lives. My cousin is 11 years older than me and we used to joke, when I was little, that if she was just a little bit older she could have been my natural mother since we are so similar.

This is the first trip my nmother has taken with me and another family member of mine and a friend. She has met some of my friends, but has never spent in quality time with them. It made me feel a whole lot better that she got to know my cousin.

It seems that she is starting to become a part of my family and not just me becoming a part of her family.

This is really bringing us closer and closer in our relationship. She is starting to learn my family and see what kind of friends I hang out with. It seems that she knows more of my friends than my adoptive mother does. Every now and then, she will ask how one of my friends is doing if I have told her that they are having problems.

While I was visiting on that Valentine's weekend, one of my dear friend's daughter, 20 years old, attempted suicide by a self inflicted wound to her head. She is alive but in a coma. The doctors say she may survive. As of right now, she is fighting an infection. My nmother asks me every day how she is doing and what is her condition is even though she doesn't know either the mother or the daughter. This shows me how much my nmother wants to be in my life.