Don't You Dare

I just have to get something out of my system so that I can feel like I can move forward better in my relationship with nmom. Being reunited for many years, I have a lot of time to look back on and see a lot of mistakes I have made. Our relationship right now is hindered because of the mistakes I have made. I am not sure if I could even call them mistakes. I really should call them immature, dumb, stupid things that I did. Anyway, there is this particular one that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

Way back in the 1990s, when I was seeing nmom for several weeks at a time, we would get into discussions about my adoption and all the questions that I could ask about it. Even though I was seeking answers to those questions, my main goal was something different. I have mentioned before that I would ask questions in the past, but would really not hear the answers to be able to put them into memory. Normally there was only one thing I was pushing for in these discussions. I was waiting on the answer "Because I am your mother!". I would keep asking "why?" and kept pushing for the "why" answer. She would never say "because I am your mother" even though I know she wanted to many, many times.

I really don't blame her for not ever saying that. If she would have said it, oh the anger from all those years of not knowing her would have just came out and everyone would have had to duck or move out of the way because I would have let it all out.

"What, you think you are my mother? You are not my mother. You didn't raise me. You didn't come find me. You didn't come to my school activities. You didn't help me through college. Oh did I mention, YOU WERE NOT THERE!!! And why was that?"

I know that there were a lot more sayings that I would have sad, but since I have grown up a whole lot and matured a lot, I really can't remember all the things I would have said.

Back then I needed for her to hear how much it really hurt me that she was not there in the first 21 years of my life. I really needed her to understand my feelings and then be able to "fix" everything that I had gone through since I was adopted. But she wouldn't. Now I assume she wouldn't because she hadn't dealt with all her feelings either and couldn't handle all mine on top of hers. But doing this really hindered our relationship for 18 more years.

On a good note, I really wished she would have said it even though I would have snapped back. Then I would have known where she stood in this "adoption" stuff. I would have known that no matter what, she still thought of me as her daughter and she as my mother. Since she would never confirm it or even get to that spot of "ok we know where everyone stands now", I would just figure that she didn't want me to be her daughter any more and I needed to move on with my life.

Excited, But Nervous

I was doing fine with the news that my nMom was going with me on the cruise up until today. I was confident and sure that things would go great.

Today we were talking on the phone and we were discussing some things that we might want to do while we were on the ship and on the shore. Let me try to put you in my shoes.

Go to your nearest "wally-world" store and pick out a person that you don't know and that you think you could be good friends with. Then go have coffee with this person for a couple of hours. Then go on a cruise with her/him in 6 weeks. But before you go, talk on the phone a few times and discuss which adventures you are going to do while on the ship and shore. What? You don't swim, but the other person does. You like window shopping, but the other person doesn't. You don't care about formal night, but the other person wants to go to formal night. Wow, do you have anything in common?

Now, if you can understand that feeling, I am there! I realized today that we might not have things in common. We really haven't spent enough time together in all these years to know what we have in common.

So now I am getting a little nervous about this trip. I really didn't think I would be nervous. I knew I would be excited, but nervous? No. Hopefully we will take some time in the near future and sit down together and discuss what things that we would like to do on the trip together and find out things that we have in common.

In the meantime, maybe I should write a 10 questionaire email every week with little things so that we can get to know each other before we go. You know, those emails that your friends send to you that have a question and they have answered it and you are suppose to take out their answer and put your answer and then send it back to the person who sent it to you and send it to all your other friends. (Do those really do anything?) Hmmm....what questions would I ask in an email?

Time To Celebrate

A wrote "Throwing in the Towel" a week ago and said that I asked my nMom to go on a cruise with me on my birthday this year and she told me "No." This week I called her and asked her if she had thought any more about going and if so, would she go with me. She said "Yes" she would go.

So we are planning our first vacation together. For me it is very exciting. I am not sure what we are going to do for at least 2 days at sea on a big ship, but we will have fun. My Mom has been on many cruises and this will be my first. I have traveled all over the world, but have not made the time to cruise around.

I talked with her today and I told her that I had bought the tickets for the cruise and airline and we were committed. She told me that she had been having second thoughts about going and asked if I had had the same thoughts. I told her that I had not had a one and I was excited about going. I am usually the one that starts having second thoughts and backs out, but this time, I am confident and comfortable.

Oh, my sister, well, Mom finally told her that we were going and she told our mom that it was ok with her. Maybe everyone is finally growing up in our family, including me.

Adoptees Attacked on Blog Land

I have been reading blogs for a couple of months now because I was seeking something. Didn't know what it was but I figured when I found it, it would hit me.

I did find the blog that I mentioned in one of my previous blogs about the girl, who wasn't a mother or an adoptee, who was making comments. She was attacking mothers who gave their children up. What really struck me in that blog was the date. It was November of 2007. I just couldn't believe that mothers were still getting attacked in the present. Really I thought I was the last adoptee or person on this earth that quit attacking mothers for giving up their children. Hey if I could find peace with it and forgiveness and understanding, everyone else in this world could.

Since finding that blog and comments, I have really had compassion for my mother and other mothers as well. When I talk to another natural mother, I tell her I am sorry that she had to go through what she did. When I told my mother that I was sorry she had to go through that, she didn't believe me, but at least I told her and she will have to deal with that her own way. Hopefully soon, she will really see that I am truly sorry for what she went through.

As I was reading other blogs, I noticed that some people had started to heal from adoption. I didn't realize I needed to heal from adoption until a few months ago and maybe that was what I was seeking. HEALING.

My friends that I hang around with are very good friends. They are very supportive with me and my relationship with my natural mother. I even have friends that take care of the puppies when I go to visit her so that I don't have to take them. I am very blessed to have my friends. But even talking with them about the things I go through with my mother is not quiet the same as talking with another reunited adoptee or a reunited mother. That is why I like reading other adoptee or mother's blogs. Some days I read something and it helps me to heal.

I did read a blog this past weekend that the mother had not posted in quite awhile on her post, but for some reason, every now and then, I would go back to her blog just to see if any new post was present. She posted a letter to her daughter on her blog. The letter was a response to her daughter's question, "What am I suppose to tell my child when they ask me why you gave me away?" When I was reading her response, I felt like it was my mother talking to me. The first few sentences read, "I have told you this before but I will answer again. I feel like you want a quick answer, but the answer will never make it ok." And then she continues on with the answer.

When I went to see my mother for the first time in years a few months ago, we went down the path of "unlimited questions". Well, I went down the path and dragged my mother down it with me. Yes, she had answered them before, but after all these years, I couldn't remember the answer to them. I know she had answered the questions before, but hey that was 18 years ago and my memory is really shot now. But not only do I not remember the answers, I know back then I really didn't even LISTEN to the answers. I was just firing away each question. I didn't realize that I needed to put them to long-term memory.

I still have a ton of questions that I would love to ask my mother, but choose not to right now. It would not help our relationship grow right now and in time I will ask them if I need to get them answered. Who knows, they all may get answered with just us spending time together.

But back to blogging. After seeing so many adoption related blogs, I thought that might help me get through this trying time of my mother and me bonding and maybe I could get some anger, hurting, or sadness out of my system if I could write it down.

I guess this writing stuff down is helping because it seems I don't have something to say every day about adoption. I even caught myself trying to make a post without anything to say and realized that I don't have to be hurt every day by adoption or sad or anger. Some days can be happy days and some days are happy days.

But reading other's blogs brought on some questions that I can not ask my own mother but chose to ask other mothers. So I would finally get the nerve to comment on some one's blog. I really hate commenting or even emails that have emotion attached to them because you never know how the other person is going to take the comment or email because they set the "tone" of your comment or email. But, hey, this is adoption land and us adoptees need other mothers some times to explain things when our own mother can't or won't.

I have to say, I also didn't realize how some mothers out there just attack adoptive parents or even us adoptees. When I finally got the nerve up to comment, thinking it was a compassionate, "hey I support you", "Just wondering how you feel about.." comment, I even got blasted for words that I chose to use. Hey I am an adoptee, I am on your side. I am not blasting you for your opinions or things you say. I just had a question or comment. Do not think I am here to squash you like a bug because you are a natural mother. I do have compassion for what you are going through and what you have been going through.

Even in forum land, it seems that natural mothers are blasting adoptees for comments. Some mothers might ask how can we adoptees feel like this. We in turn are open and honest and tell them and then the you-know-what hits the fan. I even noticed that natural mothers really hate adoptive parents. Apparently they are the ones to blame (oh don't get me started on the word "blame") for all this trauma. And then of course, us adoptees, take up for our adoptive parents and then the natural mothers tell us not to and then it keeps going.

So I ended up noticing that not many adoptees contribute to forums or comments that natural mothers have created because of all this. And now that I have learned my lesson about committing or asking questions, I think I will cross the line with the other adoptees and sit on the side lines watching.

Maybe I should keep my comments to myself and just go "hmmmmm, that's interesting."

Secrets

This past weekend I took my oldest son to an instructor that would show him how to ride his dirt bike better. He had a wreck on it last year and has been a little scared of the bike since. The lesson did him some good and now he is excited about dirt bike racing again. The lesson was suppose to last 2 hours, but 4 hours later, we put the bike in the trailer and was heading home which was still a 2 hour drive away.

We were in the same city as my nmom was and I had told her that we would try to stop by some time after the lessons, but I did not expect that it would run 4 hours long. I called her up and asked her if she still wanted us to stop by, since it was so late, and she said that she did. My youngest son had stayed with my parents back home and I was suppose to be home around 6pm that evening to pick him up. Well, it was already 6pm when we left the dirt back track.

We were headed over to my nmom's house when my amom called and asked when we were heading home. I told her we had just left and was stopping for a bite to eat and then heading home.

We got to my nmom's house and visited for 2 hours. I did not know that my nsister's daughter was going to be there. But was glad to see her so that my oldest son could play with her and get to know her. My son knows who she is, but had forgotten her name. He has only seen her once before this time. My niece had forgotten my son's name so when she was in the computer room, she kept saying "Hey, come here." So my nmom yelled out "who are you talking to?" and she said "that boy." I laughed and said, "wow, they are cousins and don't know each other's name." And then it hit me.

I don't like being the "secret" child nor have I ever liked it. My nsister does not have anything to do with me and would prefer to have our mother not have anything to do with me. She really doesn't tolerate my visits and makes our mother feel really bad when I visit or want to do something with the family.

But this visit, I had my chance to say something. So I walked to the computer room and I looked at my niece and said, "Your cousin's name is xxxx."

She said "what?"

I said "Your cousin's name is xxxx."

She gave me the puzzled look and said "what?"

I know she heard what I said and I knew the question was meant for the word "cousin". She is 8, my son 10 and they know what "cousin" means.
I decided that it was time to ruffle some feathers with my nsister so I told my niece, "Ask your mom about him being your cousin. She'll tell you all about it." Then I turned and left the room.

I kinda enjoyed that because it is time for my nsister to acknowledge who I am. Unfortunately, an 8 year old had to be a part of that. My niece will be fine. Don't know if she asked anyone about my son being her cousin, but it made me feel a little better about being a part of the family.

I finally had to leave to go home and pick up my other son from my parents, knowing it was going to be late when we got home for a Saturday night. We were heading out and before I walked out the door, I hugged my nmom. Wow what a shock I got. She didn't hug me back. The reason? My niece was standing right there. It was like my nmom was saying "Oh, I can't show any emotion to my daughter because my granddaughter might ask questions and then I would have to hear about it from my other daughter."

We left and I called my amom and told her we were on our way. She asked why we were so late heading back and I told her we just were. Nope, didn't tell her that we stopped at nmom's house.

I can't really get upset with my nmom for not hugging me back and the reason she didn't because I couldn't tell my amom I stopped by to see nmom for a little bit because I didn't want to talk about my visit with my nmom to my amom. I know deep down she knew exactly why I was leaving for home so late, but neither one of us would acknowledge that the other knew.

My how "secrets" still continue after 40 years.

Special. I Really Hate That Word!

My parents told me that I was adopted when I was very young. Oh, probably around 4 or 5 years old. I then learned that "I was special because I was adopted". For a couple of years that was great, that I was special, but then special became a bad word.

I remember thinking "Oh yeah, I am so special that my own mother who gave birth to me didn't want me. I was so special that I could never see my mother ever again in my life and I should get over what was in my heart for her."

SPECIAL! Yep, what a word.

I remember when I was in elementary school, my schoolmates would make fun of me because I was adopted and special. "You are so special because you were not wanted by anyone and your parents got you because no one else wanted you." Wow! what kids say. I did finally get over the pain and hurt that caused, but still today I hate the word special.

Life Is Too Short

If something happened to my nmom and she was no longer living, I would really regret the amount of time I spent in my life thinking I did not need her in my life. It has taken me way too long to look deep down in my heart and know that I have needed her in my life to make me complete. I spent too much time fighting the thoughts and feelings that she is really my mother.

I am happy to say that we have been in a relationship longer now than we ever have been. This makes me happy, but I know that our relationship could be much better than it is right now. I would like for it to be much better and I know she would to, but for reasons that she has, we are not there yet.

My friend and I were talking yesterday and she told me that since reading my blog, she has thought about her father and their relationship. He has been gone since she was very, very young and at one time a few years ago, he wanted to be back in her life. She resisted and told him that she did not want him in her life and they did not ever talk after that. This past week she received a call that he had passed away and now she wonders if she should have talked with him and gotten to know him.

I know that I am not guaranteed to be here tomorrow and I take life for granted. In the day to day things that go on, I don’t usually think about that my children might not see me tomorrow or that I might not see them tomorrow. I take it for granted most of the time.

I struggle with my relationship with my nmom daily because I know I am not guaranteed anything in this relationship. I know that if something happened to her and she wouldn’t be alive anymore, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t be able to have the relationship with her that I have longed for ALL my life. So for this reason, I have a hard time with people telling me “give it time. Eventually she will come around.” They can’t even guarantee that we have tomorrow.

So for those of you who are questioning your relationship with your nmother, nfather, daughter, son, or nfamily and just can’t seem to get past that one little thing or that one big thing or those lot of things, think about, is it worth not having the relationship just because of these things? Do we have to wait until something bad happens to one of us, to finally have our relationships with the people we love? Our life is too short for allowing adoption issues and what everyone else thinks about our reunion to come between us. I just hope that my nmom is not 90 and me 72 before we have a good relationship.