For many years I thought that I wanted a mother/daughter relationship with my nmother. When we first met, I did not want this kind of relationship because it never occurred to me to have a relationship with her or that I even could have a relationship with her.
My only concern in life was to have a career. Life was ahead of me and my career was about to start. I was finally going to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t have time to think about adoption and its toll on my life.
When I was in my mid-twenties, it finally struck me that I had a bond with her. A bond that was deep down and crying to get out. I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. With no help, I tried to achieve that relationship, but it didn’t happen. I can finally say that both of us didn’t realize what each other felt nor did we communicate very well about it. We thought we were at the same understanding, but in fact, we were not. We were on a different plane, coming from different angles, because of the different adoption experiences that we had.
This past weekend almost nullifies my past experiences with adoption. My nmother, half-sister, and her husband came to spend the night at my house this weekend. I never thought that my half-sister, the one that hated me for so long, would ever set foot in my house.
They drove 2 hours to visit this past Saturday night. When they arrived, we met at Cracker Barrel for dinner. At one point in time, while sitting down and waiting on our food, my brother-n-law was talking on his cell phone. Apparently, the other person asked him where he was. He said, “Sitting in Cracker Barrel with my wife’s sister.” You could hear a pin drop in the gift shop area. I don’t think I could talk for at least 5 minutes after this. I don’t think my sister could speak for longer than that. He actually said "sister" out loud. He actually accepts that we are sisters, but she is still not quite there yet.
Even though it wasn’t an exhaustive weekend or visit, I am very emotionally drained. I never dreamed that my sister would spend the night at my house. We talked, laughed and carried on like we were sisters. I think this has changed my relationship with my nmother also. She sees that mine and my sister's attitude about each other is changing. Even her behavior with me is changing.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My Relationship Has Changed
A few months ago, I finally sat down and wrote my nmother a letter. This letter had all the questions that I wanted/needed to be answered. Thinking that if she would answer all of my questions, I could have some closure to some of my adoption issues. There were even paragraphs in the letter of some things I wanted her to know about me or things I went through as a child and adult. The letter ended up being 9 pages long.
After I wrote the letter, I felt relieved just to be able to write down what was in my head. A week after I wrote it, I had decided to not read the letter to her or send it to her.
A few weeks later, I sat down with my cousin and had a conversation with her. (For more details see: Room With Many Doors)
During that conversation, I decided that I was not going to ask my nmother anymore questions about the past until September 26, 2013. This is no particular date. I just picked a date that was 5 years from now. These questions were hindering my relationship with my nmother. Five years from now, if those questions are still important, then I will ask them then.
So that has been a few months ago. Wow! What a difference in my relationship it has made.
We have gotten so much closer. In fact, she is answering some of my questions without me even asking. She has started opening up and talking about what happened. She even is asking me questions about things that I never thought she would ask. I am not feeling the tension that was among us since I am not seeking a moment of her time to ask a question or trying to figure out how to ask a question without her getting upset about it.
I am finally settling down in our relationship which is great. I don't wonder anymore if tomorrow is the last day I will ever talk with her or if we will ever see each other again. I don't wonder if our relationship is still there when we haven't talked in a week. I know deep down that our relationship will be a mother/daughter relationship forever.
For those adoptees out there, young or older, if you have a relationship with your nmother and want to ask what happened in the past or talk about what happened with your nmother when you were born, may I suggest to you to write it down. Write exactly what you would say to her. Write all the questions you have ever had. But keep it tucked away. If you have a new question later, go back to your letter and write it down. BUT, do not send it or tell your nmother about it. Make a commitment to keep it tucked away for 5 years or whatever is a good number for you.
Also, don't ask your nmother or try to talk to her about the past. Just live in the moment.
Then in a couple of weeks or months, see how much your relationship with your nmother has changed. See how closer you can become with your nmother by doing this.
Sidenote: For those of you who keep up with my blog. Since this has happened, I now call her "Mom". She loves it.
After I wrote the letter, I felt relieved just to be able to write down what was in my head. A week after I wrote it, I had decided to not read the letter to her or send it to her.
A few weeks later, I sat down with my cousin and had a conversation with her. (For more details see: Room With Many Doors)
During that conversation, I decided that I was not going to ask my nmother anymore questions about the past until September 26, 2013. This is no particular date. I just picked a date that was 5 years from now. These questions were hindering my relationship with my nmother. Five years from now, if those questions are still important, then I will ask them then.
So that has been a few months ago. Wow! What a difference in my relationship it has made.
We have gotten so much closer. In fact, she is answering some of my questions without me even asking. She has started opening up and talking about what happened. She even is asking me questions about things that I never thought she would ask. I am not feeling the tension that was among us since I am not seeking a moment of her time to ask a question or trying to figure out how to ask a question without her getting upset about it.
I am finally settling down in our relationship which is great. I don't wonder anymore if tomorrow is the last day I will ever talk with her or if we will ever see each other again. I don't wonder if our relationship is still there when we haven't talked in a week. I know deep down that our relationship will be a mother/daughter relationship forever.
For those adoptees out there, young or older, if you have a relationship with your nmother and want to ask what happened in the past or talk about what happened with your nmother when you were born, may I suggest to you to write it down. Write exactly what you would say to her. Write all the questions you have ever had. But keep it tucked away. If you have a new question later, go back to your letter and write it down. BUT, do not send it or tell your nmother about it. Make a commitment to keep it tucked away for 5 years or whatever is a good number for you.
Also, don't ask your nmother or try to talk to her about the past. Just live in the moment.
Then in a couple of weeks or months, see how much your relationship with your nmother has changed. See how closer you can become with your nmother by doing this.
Sidenote: For those of you who keep up with my blog. Since this has happened, I now call her "Mom". She loves it.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
19 Years of Being Reunited II
I don't remember much of the day that I met my nmother face to face, except for being nervous the night before and the day of. We set a 1 o'clock meeting at the adoption agency that I was adopted from. We were to meet in the office of the adoption counselor that had been meeting with me for the last few years and the one who found my nmother for me.
Unknown to me, he had asked her to meet with him an hour before we were to meet. He told me this a few months later. He said he wanted to prepare her to meet me. Since he had introduced a lot of other adoptees and their natural mother/father, he has seen a lot of meetings that went wrong as soon as the meeting started. He wanted to make sure that she understood that I was 21 years old and not a baby any more. He has seen some natural mothers/fathers come in with baby gifts for their relinquished children. He knew that would not work for me.
We talked for about 3 hours and then I left. I had given her my plans for Thanksgiving and she invited me to join her family for Thanksgiving. I declined since I hadn't told my parents about our visit. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses.
Our reunited life began after that. Past posts have explained what happened after our meeting if you are interested in reading them.
There are things that I would change if I had a magical genie who could turn back time.
I would have taken her up on her offer to join her family for Thanksgiving. I would have been able to meet my half siblings a lot sooner. I think that my half-sister and I would have a better relationship now if I would have done this.
I would have not told my parents about my reunion. Things have been said and feelings have been hurt because of this. But it would have been hard to keep it away from them.
I would have kept in better contact through the years instead of letting hurt and bitter feelings get in the way.
I would have gotten help to deal with the adoption feelings that I didn't know I had. That way the emotions I was going through all these years would not be toward my natural mother.
There are lots of things I would love to change in my life when it comes to my reunion but the most important one is: I would have gone into that first meeting thinking I would have a relationship with her for the rest of my life.
Unknown to me, he had asked her to meet with him an hour before we were to meet. He told me this a few months later. He said he wanted to prepare her to meet me. Since he had introduced a lot of other adoptees and their natural mother/father, he has seen a lot of meetings that went wrong as soon as the meeting started. He wanted to make sure that she understood that I was 21 years old and not a baby any more. He has seen some natural mothers/fathers come in with baby gifts for their relinquished children. He knew that would not work for me.
We talked for about 3 hours and then I left. I had given her my plans for Thanksgiving and she invited me to join her family for Thanksgiving. I declined since I hadn't told my parents about our visit. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses.
Our reunited life began after that. Past posts have explained what happened after our meeting if you are interested in reading them.
There are things that I would change if I had a magical genie who could turn back time.
I would have taken her up on her offer to join her family for Thanksgiving. I would have been able to meet my half siblings a lot sooner. I think that my half-sister and I would have a better relationship now if I would have done this.
I would have not told my parents about my reunion. Things have been said and feelings have been hurt because of this. But it would have been hard to keep it away from them.
I would have kept in better contact through the years instead of letting hurt and bitter feelings get in the way.
I would have gotten help to deal with the adoption feelings that I didn't know I had. That way the emotions I was going through all these years would not be toward my natural mother.
There are lots of things I would love to change in my life when it comes to my reunion but the most important one is: I would have gone into that first meeting thinking I would have a relationship with her for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
19 Years of Being Reunited
Nineteen years ago on Nov 22, a day before Thanksgiving, my nmother and I met for the first time. For years I wanted to meet her, but would not get to the actual point of contacting her. I wanted to meet her when I was 19 years old and by law I had to wait until I was 21 years old, unless I wanted my adoptive parents to "allow" me to meet her. Wanting to meet my nmother alone, I chose the "wait till I was 21" method.
For 2 years, I just waited until I turned 21. I knew that as soon as my birthday would come and the state law would not hold me back, I was going to see my nmother on my birthday. That is not actually what happened.
When I turned 21, I had the chance to search for her and find her, but I gave that up. Why? For several reasons.
(1) Back in the 1980s, people didn't talk about adoption like they do today. It wasn't something that you would bring up in conversations. If I did, then everyone would make me feel like I didn't belong to anyone. I would feel ashamed for being adopted. People, even older adults, would say things like "Oh I am sorry that your real mom didn't want you. You have such a better life now. Just think, you might be homeless now. You should feel really grateful that your parents wanted you and that they kept you. That is sad that your parents couldn't have kids of their own."
I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Homeless? My life would be homeless if I wasn't put up for adoption? Grateful? Does that mean I need to bow down at my parent's feet every time I see them?
I couldn't talk with anyone about reuniting with my mother because I didn't want to hear all these things.
(2) OMG! The "what-ifs"
What if:
* she is not alive?
* she doesn't want to meet me and has moved on?
* I don't like her and she won't leave me alone?
* she wants me to be her daughter?
* she wants to be my mother?
* I like her better than I do my adoptive parents?
(3) What if I like her better than I do my adoptive parents? I just felt that would be so wrong. I was suppose to be so grateful to my parents. They raised me. They gave me things. They wanted me. She didn't. And now I might want to replace them with her. I could not let this happen.
(4) What if she didn't like the person I had become? How could she love someone or even like someone that she doesn't know.
I played the reasons over and over my head for 8 more months before I got the courage to meet her.
I will never forget the 2 days before I met her. It was my senior year of college and I had classes Monday and Tuesday. I was to go home Tuesday after my last class. I called my mother and told her that I would come home later Wednesday afternoon. I wanted to stick around until then and do some stuff. I never told her what I did.
The person I had asked to contact my nmother was one of the social workers at the adoption home that I was placed at. Him and I had become very good friends through the years. He wanted the reunion more than I did. I went to see him that Monday and asked him to finally search for her. He made 2 phone calls, found her, talked to her, and they both agreed that they would ask me to meet. He called me back, told me he talked with her, and she wanted to meet as soon as possible. She lived 90 miles from me and would come any time. I told him that Wednesday would be the best day for me. He called her back and she agreed.
On Tuesday, I went back to his office and tried to cancel the appointment, but he wouldn't let me. How could I do this? All I could think about is that I was finally going to meet the only person I had ever wanted to meet and I have a chance to do that, but I was worried about what my parent's would think of me.
I know that never once, let me say that again, never once did I think I would have a relationship with my nmother. I thought we would meet, talk for an hour, she would answer all the questions I have ever had, we would catch up on the 21 years of my life, and I would be out of there in less than an hour or two at the most.
(to be continued...)
For 2 years, I just waited until I turned 21. I knew that as soon as my birthday would come and the state law would not hold me back, I was going to see my nmother on my birthday. That is not actually what happened.
When I turned 21, I had the chance to search for her and find her, but I gave that up. Why? For several reasons.
(1) Back in the 1980s, people didn't talk about adoption like they do today. It wasn't something that you would bring up in conversations. If I did, then everyone would make me feel like I didn't belong to anyone. I would feel ashamed for being adopted. People, even older adults, would say things like "Oh I am sorry that your real mom didn't want you. You have such a better life now. Just think, you might be homeless now. You should feel really grateful that your parents wanted you and that they kept you. That is sad that your parents couldn't have kids of their own."
I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Homeless? My life would be homeless if I wasn't put up for adoption? Grateful? Does that mean I need to bow down at my parent's feet every time I see them?
I couldn't talk with anyone about reuniting with my mother because I didn't want to hear all these things.
(2) OMG! The "what-ifs"
What if:
* she is not alive?
* she doesn't want to meet me and has moved on?
* I don't like her and she won't leave me alone?
* she wants me to be her daughter?
* she wants to be my mother?
* I like her better than I do my adoptive parents?
(3) What if I like her better than I do my adoptive parents? I just felt that would be so wrong. I was suppose to be so grateful to my parents. They raised me. They gave me things. They wanted me. She didn't. And now I might want to replace them with her. I could not let this happen.
(4) What if she didn't like the person I had become? How could she love someone or even like someone that she doesn't know.
I played the reasons over and over my head for 8 more months before I got the courage to meet her.
I will never forget the 2 days before I met her. It was my senior year of college and I had classes Monday and Tuesday. I was to go home Tuesday after my last class. I called my mother and told her that I would come home later Wednesday afternoon. I wanted to stick around until then and do some stuff. I never told her what I did.
The person I had asked to contact my nmother was one of the social workers at the adoption home that I was placed at. Him and I had become very good friends through the years. He wanted the reunion more than I did. I went to see him that Monday and asked him to finally search for her. He made 2 phone calls, found her, talked to her, and they both agreed that they would ask me to meet. He called me back, told me he talked with her, and she wanted to meet as soon as possible. She lived 90 miles from me and would come any time. I told him that Wednesday would be the best day for me. He called her back and she agreed.
On Tuesday, I went back to his office and tried to cancel the appointment, but he wouldn't let me. How could I do this? All I could think about is that I was finally going to meet the only person I had ever wanted to meet and I have a chance to do that, but I was worried about what my parent's would think of me.
I know that never once, let me say that again, never once did I think I would have a relationship with my nmother. I thought we would meet, talk for an hour, she would answer all the questions I have ever had, we would catch up on the 21 years of my life, and I would be out of there in less than an hour or two at the most.
(to be continued...)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Holidays Can Be Tough
So much has happened in my life since I last wrote. As far as adoption goes, it has been rough. With the holidays coming up, I feel like I am being pulled many directions by many people.
As far as my aparents go, they are glad that I am spending time with them this Thanksgiving. I really believe that my amother is very happy that I am spending the whole Thanksgiving holiday with them. But at the same time, she is hurting inside for me. She is hurting because of the way my nmother is treating me right now.
You see, last year my nmother and I were on very rocky ground. I am not sure if you could even call it rocky ground. The Monday after Thanksgiving last year, my nmother pulled the ground out from under me. She sent me an email that said, "Months ago I thought we could build a great relationship, but now I know that I am not the person you want me to be." She ends up ending the email with "I don't want you in my life anymore. You will be happy with out me." And the real kicker was "you are a good mother." Uh, do what? I am a good mother? Compared to....? And she didn't even really know me.
But since then we have patched things up....so I thought.
Last year in December, her and her other daughter decided to go to a different state for Thanksgiving this year. So she invited my little brother and his family to go. Yep, the whole family is spending a week vacationing in another state. I wasn't invited. Not one word of the vacation was mentioned to me by my nmother. My brother told me as soon as he found out. In fact, my nmother didn't even call to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or nothing.
I am trying to not be hurt, but deep down it hurts. Even if she had asked me to go with them, I couldn't have gone. But my thoughts are I wished she would have just asked. It makes me think that this is her way of informing me that I am not totally family.
So my amother called me today and asked if my little brother had left to go up and be with my family. (My little brother had to stay at his home for the first 4 days because of his work. He flew to the other state this afternoon to be with everyone.) I told my amother that he was about to leave. Then she asked me if they were having fun where they were. I told her I didn't know and that I didn't even get a phone call before they left. I could tell she could hear the hurt in my voice and that my amother was hurting because of how my nmother was treating me.
As far as my aparents go, they are glad that I am spending time with them this Thanksgiving. I really believe that my amother is very happy that I am spending the whole Thanksgiving holiday with them. But at the same time, she is hurting inside for me. She is hurting because of the way my nmother is treating me right now.
You see, last year my nmother and I were on very rocky ground. I am not sure if you could even call it rocky ground. The Monday after Thanksgiving last year, my nmother pulled the ground out from under me. She sent me an email that said, "Months ago I thought we could build a great relationship, but now I know that I am not the person you want me to be." She ends up ending the email with "I don't want you in my life anymore. You will be happy with out me." And the real kicker was "you are a good mother." Uh, do what? I am a good mother? Compared to....? And she didn't even really know me.
But since then we have patched things up....so I thought.
Last year in December, her and her other daughter decided to go to a different state for Thanksgiving this year. So she invited my little brother and his family to go. Yep, the whole family is spending a week vacationing in another state. I wasn't invited. Not one word of the vacation was mentioned to me by my nmother. My brother told me as soon as he found out. In fact, my nmother didn't even call to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or nothing.
I am trying to not be hurt, but deep down it hurts. Even if she had asked me to go with them, I couldn't have gone. But my thoughts are I wished she would have just asked. It makes me think that this is her way of informing me that I am not totally family.
So my amother called me today and asked if my little brother had left to go up and be with my family. (My little brother had to stay at his home for the first 4 days because of his work. He flew to the other state this afternoon to be with everyone.) I told my amother that he was about to leave. Then she asked me if they were having fun where they were. I told her I didn't know and that I didn't even get a phone call before they left. I could tell she could hear the hurt in my voice and that my amother was hurting because of how my nmother was treating me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Hallmark
I was cleaning my attic today and found a box of cards that I had kept for the last 25 years. I haven't seen this box for 7 years. I wanted to go through it just to see if I kept any of my birthday cards or any letters that my nmother had mailed to me when we first reunited.
In the past few months, I have looked through boxes to find that one thing or two that I might have kept since we first met 19 years ago. I hadn't found one thing until tonight.
As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, I did not keep my nmother's letters or cards because I wanted to keep our reunion a secret. I felt like I could not keep anything for fear that my amother would one day find them and be very disappointed in me or fear that it would hurt her feelings. I really wished now that I had kept everything.
I found a birthday card that she sent me years ago. Unfortunately, I did not write the date on the card, so I have no clue when she sent it, but it has to be at least 10 years old. I wanted everyone to know that years ago there was one birthday card that Hallmark created that was perfect for a natural mother to send to her reunited daughter.
No wonder I didn't throw it away. I was not threatened by this card. It pretty much says what I needed to hear and still need to hear.
In the past few months, I have looked through boxes to find that one thing or two that I might have kept since we first met 19 years ago. I hadn't found one thing until tonight.
As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, I did not keep my nmother's letters or cards because I wanted to keep our reunion a secret. I felt like I could not keep anything for fear that my amother would one day find them and be very disappointed in me or fear that it would hurt her feelings. I really wished now that I had kept everything.
I found a birthday card that she sent me years ago. Unfortunately, I did not write the date on the card, so I have no clue when she sent it, but it has to be at least 10 years old. I wanted everyone to know that years ago there was one birthday card that Hallmark created that was perfect for a natural mother to send to her reunited daughter.
Dear Daughter,
I just want to tell you I love you--
not for anything specific
that you've done,
not for any particular reason.
Just because I like what
you're doing with your life,
I like the person you've become
and I really enjoy the time
we spend together.
I'm proud to have a daughter like you
and grateful for
the closeness we share.
I'll always love the special person
you've grown up to be.
Hope you have a Wonderful Birthday!
No wonder I didn't throw it away. I was not threatened by this card. It pretty much says what I needed to hear and still need to hear.
Monday, November 10, 2008
One Family
This past weekend, all of my adoptive family spent the weekend at my parent's house. I have an older brother and an older sister. There is a total of 9 of us including the grandkids.
Every time my afamily gets together, we end up having more people join us. We ended up having 9 extra people (some kin; some not) join us on Saturday. We ate and visited while the kids played. That is what I remember growing up. When the whole family could get together we did. When someone came into town to visit, we ALL got together. All of us love family and friends!!
I am the only family member that does not live in the same city as my nmother does. I live a couple of hours from her. When I go visit my nmother, it is just me. No one gets together to visit. We don't go visit anyone except her father. Some visits I see my younger brother and some visits I see my younger sister. But we are never at the same house or same place. It is almost like NO ONE wants to be in the same house together.
This past weekend it dawned on me that my life with my afamily is SO, SO much different than my life with my nfamily. It feels like I live 2 different lives. Some days I just wished that I had 1 family.
Every time my afamily gets together, we end up having more people join us. We ended up having 9 extra people (some kin; some not) join us on Saturday. We ate and visited while the kids played. That is what I remember growing up. When the whole family could get together we did. When someone came into town to visit, we ALL got together. All of us love family and friends!!
I am the only family member that does not live in the same city as my nmother does. I live a couple of hours from her. When I go visit my nmother, it is just me. No one gets together to visit. We don't go visit anyone except her father. Some visits I see my younger brother and some visits I see my younger sister. But we are never at the same house or same place. It is almost like NO ONE wants to be in the same house together.
This past weekend it dawned on me that my life with my afamily is SO, SO much different than my life with my nfamily. It feels like I live 2 different lives. Some days I just wished that I had 1 family.
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