19 Years of Being Reunited

Nineteen years ago on Nov 22, a day before Thanksgiving, my nmother and I met for the first time. For years I wanted to meet her, but would not get to the actual point of contacting her. I wanted to meet her when I was 19 years old and by law I had to wait until I was 21 years old, unless I wanted my adoptive parents to "allow" me to meet her. Wanting to meet my nmother alone, I chose the "wait till I was 21" method.

For 2 years, I just waited until I turned 21. I knew that as soon as my birthday would come and the state law would not hold me back, I was going to see my nmother on my birthday. That is not actually what happened.

When I turned 21, I had the chance to search for her and find her, but I gave that up. Why? For several reasons.

(1) Back in the 1980s, people didn't talk about adoption like they do today. It wasn't something that you would bring up in conversations. If I did, then everyone would make me feel like I didn't belong to anyone. I would feel ashamed for being adopted. People, even older adults, would say things like "Oh I am sorry that your real mom didn't want you. You have such a better life now. Just think, you might be homeless now. You should feel really grateful that your parents wanted you and that they kept you. That is sad that your parents couldn't have kids of their own."

I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. Homeless? My life would be homeless if I wasn't put up for adoption? Grateful? Does that mean I need to bow down at my parent's feet every time I see them?

I couldn't talk with anyone about reuniting with my mother because I didn't want to hear all these things.

(2) OMG! The "what-ifs"
What if:
* she is not alive?
* she doesn't want to meet me and has moved on?
* I don't like her and she won't leave me alone?
* she wants me to be her daughter?
* she wants to be my mother?
* I like her better than I do my adoptive parents?

(3) What if I like her better than I do my adoptive parents? I just felt that would be so wrong. I was suppose to be so grateful to my parents. They raised me. They gave me things. They wanted me. She didn't. And now I might want to replace them with her. I could not let this happen.

(4) What if she didn't like the person I had become? How could she love someone or even like someone that she doesn't know.

I played the reasons over and over my head for 8 more months before I got the courage to meet her.

I will never forget the 2 days before I met her. It was my senior year of college and I had classes Monday and Tuesday. I was to go home Tuesday after my last class. I called my mother and told her that I would come home later Wednesday afternoon. I wanted to stick around until then and do some stuff. I never told her what I did.

The person I had asked to contact my nmother was one of the social workers at the adoption home that I was placed at. Him and I had become very good friends through the years. He wanted the reunion more than I did. I went to see him that Monday and asked him to finally search for her. He made 2 phone calls, found her, talked to her, and they both agreed that they would ask me to meet. He called me back, told me he talked with her, and she wanted to meet as soon as possible. She lived 90 miles from me and would come any time. I told him that Wednesday would be the best day for me. He called her back and she agreed.

On Tuesday, I went back to his office and tried to cancel the appointment, but he wouldn't let me. How could I do this? All I could think about is that I was finally going to meet the only person I had ever wanted to meet and I have a chance to do that, but I was worried about what my parent's would think of me.

I know that never once, let me say that again, never once did I think I would have a relationship with my nmother. I thought we would meet, talk for an hour, she would answer all the questions I have ever had, we would catch up on the 21 years of my life, and I would be out of there in less than an hour or two at the most.

(to be continued...)