This past weekend, all of my adoptive family spent the weekend at my parent's house. I have an older brother and an older sister. There is a total of 9 of us including the grandkids.
Every time my afamily gets together, we end up having more people join us. We ended up having 9 extra people (some kin; some not) join us on Saturday. We ate and visited while the kids played. That is what I remember growing up. When the whole family could get together we did. When someone came into town to visit, we ALL got together. All of us love family and friends!!
I am the only family member that does not live in the same city as my nmother does. I live a couple of hours from her. When I go visit my nmother, it is just me. No one gets together to visit. We don't go visit anyone except her father. Some visits I see my younger brother and some visits I see my younger sister. But we are never at the same house or same place. It is almost like NO ONE wants to be in the same house together.
This past weekend it dawned on me that my life with my afamily is SO, SO much different than my life with my nfamily. It feels like I live 2 different lives. Some days I just wished that I had 1 family.
We have had our ups and downs, our "in" the relationship and "out" of the relationship, but truth be told, we would rather be together than be apart.
The girls
About Me
- TheRightThing
- I am an adoptee that has been reunited for 20 years with my mother. Unfortunately, it took me 41 years to come to grips with being adopted and wanting to be a part of my natural family. I am hoping to allow myself to release the built up emotions that I carried through life and allow myself to have two families that I love very much.
4 comments:
Just some days?
Curious, if you can theorize, how would it be if your families were reversed? If your nfamily was bigger, warmer, visitors than you adopted? Would you find that comforting or difficult?
I have selfish reasons for asking. My own family is much like your adoptive family. I have three siblings, 14 nieces nephews, inlaws, neighbors, etc. at all my family gatherings. It kinda crazy (but like you, its family). I often wonder if my daughter would find that comforting or awful?
(One of the many many reasons I feel that if she ever wants to know them I have to do it at a slow slow pace as all of us at once can be a bit much - never mind dealing with adoption trauma at the same time)
I wonder, would any of your natural family come to these gatherings and participate, if invited? Do they feel welcome to come? Would they be embraced as being "family" as many of the related-and-not-related in your adoptive family's circle are? Would your a-family welcome them at these events?
I wonder if, in your natural family, people were so isolated even before your loss, or just afterwards. Adoption can break up families. Children resent parents for "giving away" a sibling, and parents feel they "don't deserve" later children or fail to bond with them when they are younger due to an (irrational) fear that "they might lose this one as well." The trauma can affect several generations. Or the parents feel shame and avoid family due to this. You may want to ask. I know that i broke off relations with my parents after my son was stolen for adoption via their orchestration, and feared bonding with child#2. Maybe your mom felt the same way.
Suz,
Yes just some days.
Theorize? Hmmmm...Let's see. I am really a people person so if my nfamily was bigger and had visitors it wouldn't bother me. In fact, when we reunited, my nmother took me to a family reunion gathering. Not knowing anyone, I clung to her but was ok with meeting everyone and sitting around chatting.
cedar,
I didn't put this in this post, but one of the people that was a visitor was my nephew, my half-brother's son. I met my half-brother in a town and picked my nephew up to come visit us for the weekend. My sons wanted to see their cousin and he wanted to come visit, so he came along for the weekend. He was great.
My parents really like my half-brother. In fact, my half-brother came down with me about 15 years ago and spent the night at my parent's house.
But that is not what you really want to hear. You want to know if they would accept my nmother into their house. Yes, they have before. Many years ago, my parents met my nmother at their house. But now? No, neither one would spend any time with the other. It is a mutual decision.
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