If you haven't been reading the comments from Hated Sibling then feel free to go and read them and come back.
Until now, I thought I was probably one of the many few adoptees that have a sibling that does not like them. I would almost go as far to say as "hate" them. I have even said that she would probably prefer me to not be alive.
So I asked a question and here is a more detailed version: If your children that you raised, hated each other or showed signs of dislike for each other, would you do something about it?
If my two boys show signs of not liking each other, we have a talk. I mean we sit down and discuss what is going on and everyone gets to say how they feel and what they think, but when everything is said, of course, Mom gets her way. I just tell them that they are brothers and will always be with each other and they have different views, but they are still brothers. I really believe if I just let them dislike each other, then it will get worse and worse and make me miserable.
So I have a couple of thoughts:
(1) Do mothers, who have raised children who do not like or hate their surrendered child, think that their children are going to sit down one day and discuss the problems that the raised child is having? Are the two children going to work out their own problems?
(2) Why do mothers sit on the fence post on this issue? Instead of talking to the raised child and helping them work out these issues, it seems that mothers tend to leave the situation alone.
(3) Is this one of those issues that the mother is afraid if she confronts the raised child with their behavior toward the surrendered child, she may lose both children?
If you have read my blog, you would know that I have a younger half-sister and half-brother. I am in this situation right now where my half-sister just really hates me and her behavior around me is awful. My mother will not do anything about it. She just says that she wishes that both of us were close and would treat each other as sisters.
It is not my responsibility to make sure my sister acts correctly when around me. There is no way that I would be able to go up to my sister and ask her why she treats me the way she does and try to work things out. But I feel like it is my mother's responsibility to sit down with her other daughter and discuss this with her. But instead of helping her other daughter understand that I had nothing to do with coming into this family or nothing to do with not being raised by our mother, she sits on the fence post. She is a silent mother just watching from the stands. I am not asking her to cheer one of us on. I am asking her to own up to her responsibility to her two daughters and talk with my sister about adoption and why she is upset with me. This is one of those situations that she could "fix", but doesn't.
I would like her to get off the fence post and participate in this conflict and resolve it. Until she does this, my sister will keep treating me like I don't belong and keep the stress level high. I believe that if my sister and brother were in this conflict, then our mother would talk with my sister and figure out how to resolve the situation.
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5 comments:
"(2) Why do mothers sit on the fence post on this issue? Instead of talking to the raised child and helping them work out these issues, it seems that mothers tend to leave the situation alone."
I guess I have always assumed that mothers assisted with this, I know I do, but then again, I always assumed all 1st mothers would be thrilled to find their lost child like I was, but I see cases where this isn't the case so I guess it just varies by person. I believe strongly that it is the responsibility of the 1st parent to help each sibling find a relationship with the other sibling, whether they were raised in the home or not.
:)
Kristy
I think that maybe one reason that mothers may not "step in", now that I have reflected on your question for a couple of days, may come down to "parenting style."
Example: Does your mother treat you as an equal adult, equal in every way to her? That is one thing that "M" had a hard time trying to wrap his brain around to begin with. He was 19 when I found him, and I treated him as an equal and not like a minor -- and that was not done in his adoptive family, where even adult children were treated "like children" and told what to do and what they should do. Same with "R" once he became an adult (he's 21 now). Does your mother take this approach as well?
I can see, for minor children, sitting them down and/or approaching them on the issue of how they treat people, but I can only suggest to R that he treats M better, as what's between them as adults is none of my business. As they are adults, I have no right to approach them about it any more than we do for any other stranger on the street. Otherwise I would be treating them like children.
Actually, one bit of good news on the R and M front. I asked M yesterday if he thought that R hated him, and he said no, that he thought that R was just "neutral", neither liking nor disliking. So maybe the "thaw" has begun. :)
It's tricky to compare situations. At times the two kids I raised fought furiously. As long as they weren't physically harming each other I let them work it out. They are quite close with each other as adults. Neither has been very actively involved in reunion, but I don't think they hold ill will towards my firstborn. There are so many issues erupting through reuniting. Your mom may have too much inner stuff unresolved to mediate at this time which is sad. It sounds like your sister has a lot of growing up to do.
"This is one of those situations that she could "fix", but doesn't." I am learning to avoid fixing as it is something that usually backfires on me. What works for me is focusing on what I can learn from a situation.
Thanks Kristy, Cedar, and BeingMe for your insights.
Cedar, I could agree with this "parenting style" concept. I remember my brother saying that our mother would not say anything to our sister when they would "fight" when they were kids growing up. Our sister could do anything to him and he said our mother wouldn't say anything. He said if something was said then his father would say something. So I guess she is treating me as one of the kids and not saying anthing.
I wasn't brought up like this with my adoptive parents. They were the type to sit you down and talk to my adoptive brother and I. But they do treat me like an adult.
I guess that is what I am seeking. I am used to the "talk" but am getting the "work it out yourself".
As far as my mother treating me like an adult or equal to her? Yes, she does treat me like an adult. She has done this since the first day we met when I was 21.
I'm coming into this a bit late, but my situation was the opposite. There was jealousy and resentment from my reunited child towards my raised children. That was quite a conflict and it broke my raised childrens' hearts because they really wanted to welcome their sibling.
I did a lot of talking and a lot of interceding but I never did what my reunited child wanted be to do and that was to choose between them. You don't ask a mother to do that.
I told my oldest child that she had my love but so did her siblings and she was going to have to accect what she couldn't change and get to know them. It has worked out, but it took years.
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