My relationship with my natural mother is going pretty good lately. I have had to learn to become friends with her instead of diving into a mother/daughter relationship. Becoming friends first is better for both of us right now since we are learning about each other and treating each other with respect and gaining trust. I have learned that I have to take the relationship slow so that she will not be overwhelmed. I can tell when we have taken a giant leap in our relationship and she gets overwhelmed by the way she starts acting toward me or the way she treats me.
When she gets overwhelmed, she starts backing away from the relationship by not talking with me or being too busy to talk with me. If I call to talk with her, I usually can tell by her tone of voice whether or not she wants to have a conversation with me or does not want to talk with me at all. She won’t tell me, but it is that “tone” that lets me know what she is dealing with. So I back off so that she can process our relationship. Doing this has helped our relationship and helped her gain trust in me that I am in this relationship to stay.
Unfortunately, I am the type of person that when I know what I want and am confident in it, I go all the way with it. So for me to slow this relationship down and really pay attention to it, just drives me crazy. I have to make sure that my attitude towards things do not get in the way. I still have a bad attitude about being adopted. I think I will always have a bad attitude about adoption. It is not because of my nmother, but just about the whole situation and what I have to go through in my life with her, my adoptive family, my friends, and others who think their opinion counts.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she asked how my nmother and I were doing. I told her that I am not sure what was going on because all of a sudden my nmother was asking me all kinds of questions and wanting to know about things in my life. I told my friend it was very weird that she was really acting like she was interested in my life, because usually she doesn't ask me anything.
My friend informed me that I had told my nmother a few months ago, "I really don't think you care about me or my life because you don't ask me questions about it."
Oh yeah, I forgot I had told her that. So I am amazed that she really listened to what I said to her and is trying to make our relationship better. So she has been asking me questions about my life and what I am doing and about the kids for the last few months. I really like this and really appreciate that she listened to what I said.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Blogging
One of my friends called me to inform me that I haven't written anything about my relationship with my natural family in awhile. I then realized that it seems if my relationship is going great with my family then I don't write on my blog. Why is that?
I also started thinking that I don't read any reunited adoption blogs that post about how their relationship is going if it is going really well. Do adoption bloggers only write when they are not going so well because we are frustrated or stressed out and that is the only way to release the stress?
So if there is a blog out there somewhere where someone is writing about how great their relationship is, I would love to know about it. In the mean time, I will try to catch up on my posts.
I also started thinking that I don't read any reunited adoption blogs that post about how their relationship is going if it is going really well. Do adoption bloggers only write when they are not going so well because we are frustrated or stressed out and that is the only way to release the stress?
So if there is a blog out there somewhere where someone is writing about how great their relationship is, I would love to know about it. In the mean time, I will try to catch up on my posts.
Monday, May 12, 2008
First Mother's Day
This was the first Mother's Day that I sent something to my natural mother. I was planning on being in the same town that my natural mother lives in because of job related duties, but it turns out that when my parent's found out that I was going to be in the same town as my natural mother, they pitched a fit.
Rules for adoptees on Mother's Day:
(1) Must be at parent's house with mother!
(2) Can not be at or near natural mother's town no matter what!
(3) Just because I am a mother, does not mean I can do what "I" want on Mother's Day (see rule 1)
So, after finding out the rules, I decided that I could take my natural mother out for lunch on the Friday before Mother's Day since I was going to be in the same town.
I decided to send her flowers on Thursday before Mother's Day. This would be the 40th Mother's Day that I should have had with her. So, I bought 39 pink carnations and 1 red rose. Had them put in a vase and arranged very tightly to form a bouquet with the rose being in the middle. On the card, it said:
"A carnation for each of the 39 Mother's Days I have missed, and a rose to wish you a Happy Mother's Day."
Then I had it delivered to her at her office. She called me and told me that she really liked them.
It turned out that I did not go to the same town she lives in that week, so I couldn't take her out to lunch. I am hoping to do that the next time I am there.
Rules for adoptees on Mother's Day:
(1) Must be at parent's house with mother!
(2) Can not be at or near natural mother's town no matter what!
(3) Just because I am a mother, does not mean I can do what "I" want on Mother's Day (see rule 1)
So, after finding out the rules, I decided that I could take my natural mother out for lunch on the Friday before Mother's Day since I was going to be in the same town.
I decided to send her flowers on Thursday before Mother's Day. This would be the 40th Mother's Day that I should have had with her. So, I bought 39 pink carnations and 1 red rose. Had them put in a vase and arranged very tightly to form a bouquet with the rose being in the middle. On the card, it said:
"A carnation for each of the 39 Mother's Days I have missed, and a rose to wish you a Happy Mother's Day."
Then I had it delivered to her at her office. She called me and told me that she really liked them.
It turned out that I did not go to the same town she lives in that week, so I couldn't take her out to lunch. I am hoping to do that the next time I am there.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Contentment
I still have been thinking a lot about my relationship and my future relationship with my natural mother since we went on vacation together. I previously wrote about how our time together was different than what I had pictured before we went on vacation, but I never thought that I would be content in my relationship with her.
I have finally (for now) have calmed down my feelings and have taken control of them.
When we met over 18 years ago and I was a young 21 year old and she, was 39 and wanted a mother/daughter relationship, but I just couldn’t give her that at the time. I felt like if I gave her a mother/daughter relationship that I would lose my own mother/daughter relationship with my adoptive mother and father. I know now that that would not have happened, but at 21, I didn’t know any better. Six months later into our new found relationship, I wrote the “I can’t see you or talk to you” letter to her. Well, that letter costs me my relationship with her forever. Since then she will not go down that road again.
About 2 years later, I called her up and started talking with her and getting to know her and her family. But it was always me calling and striking up a conversation. We lived 3 hours apart and she would not ask if I wanted to come visit or meet somewhere. It was a relationship that if something was going to happen or grow, I had to do it. It was very difficult for me to have a one-sided relationship with her and I felt like she didn’t care enough about me to have a relationship, so I quit calling. Since she never called and I never called, the relationship stood still. Well, really just died. Every year and a half, I would call, we would talk, and then nothing. It was always a one-side relationship.
Years had past. I grew up and had kids of my own and then over 6 months ago, I called my mother and asked if I could come visit one weekend. Since then I have called and visited several times. This is the longest time we have actually spent in our relationship. But I now see why I decided to do that in the past. For 18 years I thought that it was always my fault for not wanting a relationship or my fault for the relationship to not develop into something. But now, I realize it wasn’t. Relationships are two sided and not everything falls on me.
When it comes to my relationship with my mother, I would have to put it in the category of “just being there”. At one point in time, I thought I would like it in the “very close mother/daughter” relationship. Or I could even go with “very stable friendship plus some” relationship. But that is not going to happen. I am content with “just being there” relationship. What that means is that we have a relationship that it is stable as long as I don’t expect anything out of her. She will not call or contact me unless she needs to. I don’t need to go visit her unless she wants me to. I would think that if it wasn’t for me wanted a relationship and accepting the category of “just being there”, that she would keep the relationship at the category of “she can take it or leave it”. So with her “I can take it or leave it” state of mind, I settle for “just being there”.
I have finally (for now) have calmed down my feelings and have taken control of them.
When we met over 18 years ago and I was a young 21 year old and she, was 39 and wanted a mother/daughter relationship, but I just couldn’t give her that at the time. I felt like if I gave her a mother/daughter relationship that I would lose my own mother/daughter relationship with my adoptive mother and father. I know now that that would not have happened, but at 21, I didn’t know any better. Six months later into our new found relationship, I wrote the “I can’t see you or talk to you” letter to her. Well, that letter costs me my relationship with her forever. Since then she will not go down that road again.
About 2 years later, I called her up and started talking with her and getting to know her and her family. But it was always me calling and striking up a conversation. We lived 3 hours apart and she would not ask if I wanted to come visit or meet somewhere. It was a relationship that if something was going to happen or grow, I had to do it. It was very difficult for me to have a one-sided relationship with her and I felt like she didn’t care enough about me to have a relationship, so I quit calling. Since she never called and I never called, the relationship stood still. Well, really just died. Every year and a half, I would call, we would talk, and then nothing. It was always a one-side relationship.
Years had past. I grew up and had kids of my own and then over 6 months ago, I called my mother and asked if I could come visit one weekend. Since then I have called and visited several times. This is the longest time we have actually spent in our relationship. But I now see why I decided to do that in the past. For 18 years I thought that it was always my fault for not wanting a relationship or my fault for the relationship to not develop into something. But now, I realize it wasn’t. Relationships are two sided and not everything falls on me.
When it comes to my relationship with my mother, I would have to put it in the category of “just being there”. At one point in time, I thought I would like it in the “very close mother/daughter” relationship. Or I could even go with “very stable friendship plus some” relationship. But that is not going to happen. I am content with “just being there” relationship. What that means is that we have a relationship that it is stable as long as I don’t expect anything out of her. She will not call or contact me unless she needs to. I don’t need to go visit her unless she wants me to. I would think that if it wasn’t for me wanted a relationship and accepting the category of “just being there”, that she would keep the relationship at the category of “she can take it or leave it”. So with her “I can take it or leave it” state of mind, I settle for “just being there”.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Vacation
I have to admit that my vacation was a little different than what I thought it would be. I thought that I would finally get to the point of my relationship with my natural mother that I was not insecure about it. I thought that we would come back from the cruise closer than we had ever been and knowing that nothing would get in the way of our relationship. So much for thinking.
I wanted to go on vacation with my nmom to be able to get closer to her and it just be the 2 of us and no one else could get in the way of our relationship for 7 days. My nmom has a tendency to allow her other daughter to rule our relationship and my nmom worries all the time that her other daughter will stop having a relationship with her because of our relationship. I can honestly say that no one did get in the way of our relationship while we were gone. But when we got back, my nmom went right back into the "I have other children and I can't have a total relationship with you" mode.
I also thought that I would learn things about my nmom that I didn't know, but that didn't happen. What happened was my nmom learned who I was and the "little" things that I do in my life. The bad part was that she would vocal all the things that I would do that she didn't understand. She would ask me "Why do you do this....or why do you do that?" In fact, at one point in time, I said, "Can I do anything right?" You don't want to know her answer.
Our cruise made us be on the ship for 2 1/2 days. I was shocked that we did really well in those days. About half way through the cruise, we ended up having a discussion about our relationship. She had mentioned to my brother that she did not want to discuss adoption or our relationship with me on our trip. But she was the one that opened up the "can of worms" and I decided to join right in.
Right now, I can't even remember how she brought it up but I do remember some of the conversation. There is particularly one part that I was glad to be able to say. She told me that she wanted me and her other daughter (yes, my sister) to be able to be close. (Now, how can I be close to my sister when I can't even have a close relationship with my nmom? Go figure) I told her that my sister and I would never be close until my sister forgave her, my nmom. She looked at me in surprise. I said, "We will never be close until she forgives you. Think about it. All those years that she was growing up thinking that she was the first born and the only daughter and you told her about right and wrong. Then when she was 17 years old, you pull her outside one day and tell her that she is not the first born and she is not the only daughter. That there is another that you have never told her about. Now think about being 17 years old, a girl, and your mother just telling you these things. Being 17 is a hard enough age for a girl, but your mother telling you something like this? And then you have never dealt with it yourself and never talk to her about it. You just think everything will just go right in to place; like nothing ever happened. Yeah, I don't think so. She stays mad at me because that is her way of venting her anger toward you. She can't be mad at you because you are her mother. It is easier for her to be upset with me and not deal with it than to sit down and tell you how she feels and how angry she was when she found out about me." My nmom just looked at me and said nothing. That pretty much ended the adoption talk for the trip. At least I finally got to say why my sister will not have a relationship with me.
I wanted to go on vacation with my nmom to be able to get closer to her and it just be the 2 of us and no one else could get in the way of our relationship for 7 days. My nmom has a tendency to allow her other daughter to rule our relationship and my nmom worries all the time that her other daughter will stop having a relationship with her because of our relationship. I can honestly say that no one did get in the way of our relationship while we were gone. But when we got back, my nmom went right back into the "I have other children and I can't have a total relationship with you" mode.
I also thought that I would learn things about my nmom that I didn't know, but that didn't happen. What happened was my nmom learned who I was and the "little" things that I do in my life. The bad part was that she would vocal all the things that I would do that she didn't understand. She would ask me "Why do you do this....or why do you do that?" In fact, at one point in time, I said, "Can I do anything right?" You don't want to know her answer.
Our cruise made us be on the ship for 2 1/2 days. I was shocked that we did really well in those days. About half way through the cruise, we ended up having a discussion about our relationship. She had mentioned to my brother that she did not want to discuss adoption or our relationship with me on our trip. But she was the one that opened up the "can of worms" and I decided to join right in.
Right now, I can't even remember how she brought it up but I do remember some of the conversation. There is particularly one part that I was glad to be able to say. She told me that she wanted me and her other daughter (yes, my sister) to be able to be close. (Now, how can I be close to my sister when I can't even have a close relationship with my nmom? Go figure) I told her that my sister and I would never be close until my sister forgave her, my nmom. She looked at me in surprise. I said, "We will never be close until she forgives you. Think about it. All those years that she was growing up thinking that she was the first born and the only daughter and you told her about right and wrong. Then when she was 17 years old, you pull her outside one day and tell her that she is not the first born and she is not the only daughter. That there is another that you have never told her about. Now think about being 17 years old, a girl, and your mother just telling you these things. Being 17 is a hard enough age for a girl, but your mother telling you something like this? And then you have never dealt with it yourself and never talk to her about it. You just think everything will just go right in to place; like nothing ever happened. Yeah, I don't think so. She stays mad at me because that is her way of venting her anger toward you. She can't be mad at you because you are her mother. It is easier for her to be upset with me and not deal with it than to sit down and tell you how she feels and how angry she was when she found out about me." My nmom just looked at me and said nothing. That pretty much ended the adoption talk for the trip. At least I finally got to say why my sister will not have a relationship with me.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Talking To My Brother
I am really curious to know how many natural mothers have gone on a vacation with only their son/daughter? I am not talking just a little weekend get together. I am talking at least a 7 day vacation.
I will probably write several posts on my vacation with my natural mother, so bear with me.
I have written before that my half brother and I are really close. In fact, we are trying to go into business with one another. When we are around other people, they comment on how our mannerism are the same. We don't look anything alike except for a few physical things, but we really act and think a lot a like. I really like that because no one in my adoptive family acts like me.
Before I left my house on vacation, I found out that my nmom talked to my brother and told him that there is no reason he should be talking to me as much as he does. She told him that there was no reason we should talk so often over the phone. I learned that she told him this when he told me to not tell her things that he and I do. After he told me what she said, I just about died. I couldn't believe she said this and my brother told me that she doesn't understand how him and I think or how we like to hang around or talk together. She hates to talk on the phone or get together and have dinner and just talk. So she doesn't understand why anyone else would do this. But my brother and I enjoy talking to one another since we live so far away from each other and don't see each other much.
This kinda put a little damper on my vacation. I figured I would be very upset by the time our vacation came, but luckily my brother and I talked and he helped me through my being upset with her.
Ok, next post....our vacation. I promise.
I will probably write several posts on my vacation with my natural mother, so bear with me.
I have written before that my half brother and I are really close. In fact, we are trying to go into business with one another. When we are around other people, they comment on how our mannerism are the same. We don't look anything alike except for a few physical things, but we really act and think a lot a like. I really like that because no one in my adoptive family acts like me.
Before I left my house on vacation, I found out that my nmom talked to my brother and told him that there is no reason he should be talking to me as much as he does. She told him that there was no reason we should talk so often over the phone. I learned that she told him this when he told me to not tell her things that he and I do. After he told me what she said, I just about died. I couldn't believe she said this and my brother told me that she doesn't understand how him and I think or how we like to hang around or talk together. She hates to talk on the phone or get together and have dinner and just talk. So she doesn't understand why anyone else would do this. But my brother and I enjoy talking to one another since we live so far away from each other and don't see each other much.
This kinda put a little damper on my vacation. I figured I would be very upset by the time our vacation came, but luckily my brother and I talked and he helped me through my being upset with her.
Ok, next post....our vacation. I promise.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Back From Vacation
I have returned from my vacation with my nmom. I have been gone for the last 10 days and have a lot of catching up to do on my blog. But, I need some time to unpack and get things put up and then I will sit down and write about my time with her.
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