This was the first Mother's Day that I sent something to my natural mother. I was planning on being in the same town that my natural mother lives in because of job related duties, but it turns out that when my parent's found out that I was going to be in the same town as my natural mother, they pitched a fit.
Rules for adoptees on Mother's Day:
(1) Must be at parent's house with mother!
(2) Can not be at or near natural mother's town no matter what!
(3) Just because I am a mother, does not mean I can do what "I" want on Mother's Day (see rule 1)
So, after finding out the rules, I decided that I could take my natural mother out for lunch on the Friday before Mother's Day since I was going to be in the same town.
I decided to send her flowers on Thursday before Mother's Day. This would be the 40th Mother's Day that I should have had with her. So, I bought 39 pink carnations and 1 red rose. Had them put in a vase and arranged very tightly to form a bouquet with the rose being in the middle. On the card, it said:
"A carnation for each of the 39 Mother's Days I have missed, and a rose to wish you a Happy Mother's Day."
Then I had it delivered to her at her office. She called me and told me that she really liked them.
It turned out that I did not go to the same town she lives in that week, so I couldn't take her out to lunch. I am hoping to do that the next time I am there.
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Rules for adoptees on Mother's Day:
(1) Must be at parent's house with mother!
(2) Can not be at or near natural mother's town no matter what!
(3) Just because I am a mother, does not mean I can do what "I" want on Mother's Day (see rule 1)
What would happen if you said "No"? What would happen if you asked them "why" these rules are in place, and how they plan to enforce them?
(1) What would happen if I said "No"? I wouldn't have said "No". It was possible for me to spend Mother's Day with both of my mothers, but it turned out that I didn't. One of the main reasons why I did not make sure that I spent some of that day with my natural mother is because she never asked me to come see her on that day. It wasn't important for me to be there on that day for her, in her thinking. So it wasn't a hard decision for me.
(2) What would happen if I asked "why"? My adoptive mother is my mother. Just because she didn't give birth to me does not mean she isn't one of my mothers. I did want to spend time with both of them on Mother's Day, but since my natural mother "really doesn't care" then I chose to spend all day with my adoptive mother. The second rule is just out of jeolousy and not being able to understand that I have 2 mothers.
From your history, it sounds like she cared 18 yrs ago when you two first reunited, that she wanted a mother-daughter relationship with you at that time. What might have changed?
"It wasn't important for me to be there on that day for her, in her thinking."
Did she say this to you?
No, she didn't say anything to me about Mother's Day. But the weekend before, her and I were eating at a restaurant together and she was talking to me about what she was going to do for Mother's Day. She said that her children were going to meet up with her that evening and go out to eat. She didn't say anything about "hey why don't you meet up with us" or "I wished you were going to be here so you could eat with us". I don't really need an invitation (yes, it would be GREAT if I got one), but she keeps me very separated from family outings.
On the "what might have changed?", my thinking (and you can tell me that I am wrong) is that she felt rejected by me when we first met and it hurt so bad that she never wanted to go through that again.
I am not going to tell you that you are wrong. I believe that indeed this is how she feels.
I hope that this does not sound too harsh, but have you apologized to her for cutting her out of your life, ending your reunion, when you were younger? Have the two of you discussed it, and how it impacted your relationship (past and current?)
Yes, I have apologized over and over and over again. I have talked with her why I couldn't have a relationship back then and asked for forgiveness. I have shown for 8 months now that we can have a good relationship and that I am a totally different person now. We don't talk much about it really anymore in the past couple of months because she doesn't want to discuss anything from the past.
I'm sorry that she is treating you this way. My guess is that she has a lot of trust issues regarding you, and that she is scared to "commit" herself in case you walk away again. I know that I would be -- every time my son walks out the door, a part of me expects he will never be back. Sure, it happened once, 7 yrs ago, and i did not hear from him for 4 months, but it is not a fear i can ever shake.
They say that it takes 10 years of HARD work to rebuild a relationship again after adoption-separation. to get as far as you have after 8 months, after 2 traumatic separations as if it were two separate adoptions, is most likely an incredible accomplishment and you should be proud of that.
But she lost you twice -- her gut instincts tell her that she can (and will) lose you again. Just like in a marriage, if one partner has had an affair, it takes a long time for trust to be regained.
The truth is, that with time and work, it can be.
in case i wasn't clear: I think you're going in the right direction, and i know it might take a while, but i'm certain you can rebuild a relationship with your natural mother, if that is what the two of you want.
some related issues that may prove "bumps in the road" though, are (1) if she had any of the very horrible pre-/post-reunion counselling that most adoption agencies give, and what that consisted of, and (2) your adoptive parents and how your relationship with them influences your relationship with her. both of these areas could present challenges along the way.
good luck!!! :)
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