So much has happened in my life since I last wrote. As far as adoption goes, it has been rough. With the holidays coming up, I feel like I am being pulled many directions by many people.
As far as my aparents go, they are glad that I am spending time with them this Thanksgiving. I really believe that my amother is very happy that I am spending the whole Thanksgiving holiday with them. But at the same time, she is hurting inside for me. She is hurting because of the way my nmother is treating me right now.
You see, last year my nmother and I were on very rocky ground. I am not sure if you could even call it rocky ground. The Monday after Thanksgiving last year, my nmother pulled the ground out from under me. She sent me an email that said, "Months ago I thought we could build a great relationship, but now I know that I am not the person you want me to be." She ends up ending the email with "I don't want you in my life anymore. You will be happy with out me." And the real kicker was "you are a good mother." Uh, do what? I am a good mother? Compared to....? And she didn't even really know me.
But since then we have patched things up....so I thought.
Last year in December, her and her other daughter decided to go to a different state for Thanksgiving this year. So she invited my little brother and his family to go. Yep, the whole family is spending a week vacationing in another state. I wasn't invited. Not one word of the vacation was mentioned to me by my nmother. My brother told me as soon as he found out. In fact, my nmother didn't even call to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or nothing.
I am trying to not be hurt, but deep down it hurts. Even if she had asked me to go with them, I couldn't have gone. But my thoughts are I wished she would have just asked. It makes me think that this is her way of informing me that I am not totally family.
So my amother called me today and asked if my little brother had left to go up and be with my family. (My little brother had to stay at his home for the first 4 days because of his work. He flew to the other state this afternoon to be with everyone.) I told my amother that he was about to leave. Then she asked me if they were having fun where they were. I told her I didn't know and that I didn't even get a phone call before they left. I could tell she could hear the hurt in my voice and that my amother was hurting because of how my nmother was treating me.
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4 comments:
I suspect she's just assuming that since you are spending Thanksgiving with your a-family there is no reason to invite you. That's pretty much what I am doing - son is with a-family and I know that, so there is no reason to invite him over until the holiday is over.
Being that I have 2 families, I assumed both families would want me and my children around during the holidays. My afamily knows that I want to spend time with each family and they have accepted that.
But apparently my nmother doesn't feel the same way. We have talked about this. I informed her that she just needs to let me know when she would like me around and I'll see what I can do. I told her that I would like to spend time with both families and I could make that happen.
I don't like her assuming things because that always puts a damper on our relationship. She should just ask me and I will tell her. Even if she assumed that I couldn't go, she could have least asked just to make me know that I was wanted there.
From what has happened in the past few weeks, I know she doesn't want me there. She wants her family that she has been with for years and years.
My guess is that it is too painful for her right now. Would she also think maybe that inviting you might put you into a stressful position of having to deny your a-parents the time with them? Example: I remember a few months ago, when you were visiting her, you had to tell your a-parents that you were somewhere else. This can be very hurtful for a natural mom, as it indicates that her child does not consider her to be family but has to "sneak around" to see her as if ashamed.
Maybe things are going too fast right now for her to process the changes. 18 years of rejection doesn't disappear overnight. Unfortunately, it may take another 18 years before she trusts that you won't walk away again. I don't know how this can be fixed, but I hope that it can be, long before that time.
Holidays are such a emotionally loaded and triggering time, whatever our circumstances. I'm so sorry for your pain and how your nmother is treating you, and I'm glad you have such a supportive and sensitive amother. (((BIG HUGS)))
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