Analyzing Me

Most of you know that I contacted my nmother when I was 21 and did not have a good relationship with her until I was 39. A bachelors degree, marriage, children, career changes, divorce, and masters degree came and went on those 18 years of non-relationship with her.

Growing up and having the experiences that I have had, has made me analyze a lot of things in my life. I don't analyze the things that I have grown to know, because I have years and years experience with whatever it is. For example, I don't analyze my relationship with my parents now. I did question it for the first 25 years of life. Well actually that would probably be the age I found out I was adopted to the age of 25. I had a good family growing up, but I wasn't the perfect child. I was ready to grow up and get on with my career at the age of 15.

I met my best friend, who is 17 years older than me which is my nmother’s age, at the age of 15 and pretty much lived at her house my high school years. I slept at my house, but after school I would end up at my best friend's house until it was time to come home. I analyzed the first few years of my best friend's relationship with me. We laugh about it now, but she tells me that I would constantly "test the waters." Twenty-six years later, my best friend and I are still best friends and I don't analyze our relationship anymore. It is there and will always be there.

When my nmother and I first met, I wasn't expecting a relationship with her so I didn't analyze it. After a few letters and some phone calls, it seemed our "whatever you want to call it" was trying to turn into a relationship. At that point, I started analyzing what we had.

I am not sure what we had. I can't even put a word on it. It wasn't a relationship because I was not prepared to have a relationship with her nor did I want one. I didn't know what I wanted with her. I met her and that is what I was always seeking. Then all of a sudden, other things were happening and a relationship was starting to build. I sure didn't want that. So instead of analyzing what we had, I ended all communication.

During the 18 years, I contacted her a few times, but never to make a relationship. (ok, that statement is probably not true, but I will have to analyze that later.)

So here we are in a 1½ year relationship together. I analyze a lot of things. Most people tell me to just have a relationship with her and not to analyze it. They tell me that I am lucky to have her in my life. But I can't stop analyzing it. History tells me to analyze my life with my nmother. History says she will leave when things don't go right, when people tell her it is not right, when she starts doubting that we can have a relationship, etc.

But this is me. I am an analyzer. I analyze a lot of things. That is who I am. Why am I being required to not analyze a relationship with my nmother or nfamily? It seems that I am being asked to stop being me. If I can't be me, who am I suppose to be? Am I suppose to be the daughter that she was suppose to raise? The daughter that would be different if she would have raised me? I want to be me.

My Birthday

I recently had a birthday and my afamily always gets together on family birthdays. We plan ahead, figure out when we are going to meet, and where the event will occur. This year my birthday fell on a weekday and during spring break. Therefore, we are going to get together on the weekend and eat together at a restaurant. We usually decide to have it on a weekend where the whole family can gather at my parent's house and spend the whole weekend together. That is what I am used to.

When my nfamily has a birthday, the nfamily goes out to eat at a restaurant of choice. Everyone gets together. All of them live in one town about 30 minutes apart, so they meet up at the restaurant or on occasion at someone's house.

The only problem with this scenario is that I am never invited to anyone's birthday gathering on my nfamily's side. And I never get to choose where I would like to eat out when it is my birthday with my nfamily.

It seems that my birthday is unimportant to my nfamily. It also seems that they just assume that my afamily will take care of my birthday and they don't need to do anything.
Last year, my amother was so upset with me on my birthday, that I didn't even get a Happy Birthday or anything. I had decided to leave the country that year on my birthday and spend it on a cruise with my nmother. I am still paying for that one.

But this year, I was here. My amother is still upset about last year, that my birthday this year hasn't seemed like a birthday.

I just don't understand why my nfamily treats me like family some of the time and some of the time it is like I never existed. Yes, I live 2 hours away, but I don't even get a friendly "I know you can't come, but you are still invited" invitation. I didn't even get a "hey come visit and we will celebrate your birthday".

Some people look at family's and say "They are a tight niched family." That is the way my nfamily is except you would say "They are a tight niched family minus one"

Papers

I wrote on this many months ago, but this still is bothering me today.

I have been granted all my nmother’s records from the adoption agency, but have not taken the offer yet. I still catch myself doing things in steps and when I am ready to have those records all to myself, I will get them. I have seen them and know what is there, but still not prepared to have them to myself.

What still bothers me:

“I understand that either way, once the Court terminates my parental rights, I have no further say concerning my child.”

This sentence was on the adoption contract that my nmother was forced to sign.

Did she really think she had no further say concerning me?

Did she just sign the paper knowing that was what she needed to do at the time?

Did she even read the papers?

What if she read the papers, did she think that maybe someday she might have a say concerning me?

This part gets me: The agency probably told her that I wasn’t her child, but in this statement, the agency admits that I was her child.

Joining Families

My nmother and I planned a day out on Valentine's Day and we went on a small trip that took all day. We ended up visiting several museums that were about an hour away from her house. My cousin, from my adoptive family, and a friend from my work went with us. My friend and I ended up in a different part of one of the museums, so my cousin and my nmother were together for an hour. They ended up going to a cafe there and talked until my friend and I showed up. It was good to hear that my nmother really likes my cousin and my cousin really likes my nmother.

My cousin and I are so much alike. We are the only ones with dark hair in the family. We are very, very similar and have done a lot together in our lives. My cousin is 11 years older than me and we used to joke, when I was little, that if she was just a little bit older she could have been my natural mother since we are so similar.

This is the first trip my nmother has taken with me and another family member of mine and a friend. She has met some of my friends, but has never spent in quality time with them. It made me feel a whole lot better that she got to know my cousin.

It seems that she is starting to become a part of my family and not just me becoming a part of her family.

This is really bringing us closer and closer in our relationship. She is starting to learn my family and see what kind of friends I hang out with. It seems that she knows more of my friends than my adoptive mother does. Every now and then, she will ask how one of my friends is doing if I have told her that they are having problems.

While I was visiting on that Valentine's weekend, one of my dear friend's daughter, 20 years old, attempted suicide by a self inflicted wound to her head. She is alive but in a coma. The doctors say she may survive. As of right now, she is fighting an infection. My nmother asks me every day how she is doing and what is her condition is even though she doesn't know either the mother or the daughter. This shows me how much my nmother wants to be in my life.

Wanting More, But What?

I wrote a month ago that my nmother has changed her attitude/behavior with me in the last month. With her change in behavior, which was a good thing, I didn't know what to do with this "new norm". I am not used to this. I am used to keeping her at a distance and making sure I am not going to get hurt too much.

But this "new norm" has made me want more. Even though I call her "Mom" (and that is not very often) I still don't feel it deep down. But I am starting to want more of a "Mom" relationship. I seem to catch myself remembering when I was very young and dreaming of her. Dreaming that we would just know things about each other without having to say them. Dreaming of the mother that had that mother/daughter connection. I find myself still reaching for that.

I want her to have that feeling that you get when you know you need to call a friend because you just "feel" that something is wrong. Or the feeling that you have when you look at someone and you know that something is wrong. She doesn't have that with me.

I could be at my lowest one day and be having a really bad day, she would never know it if I didn't call and tell her. If I was having issues with something and went to visit her, she doesn't see it in my face. I want that. I have that with my closest friends, but do not have it with her.

Now you can say, "but you don't see her all the time. It would be different if you lived in the same town and saw each other all the time." But I think mother's who give birth to their children have that feeling; have that connection. If you take the time to be silent in this busy world, I think you can have that connection. I have that connection with my kids.

At the end of our conversation, I finally told my nmother that she had changed her behavior with me the last month and it startled me a little. She said that usually when things are going really good with us, usually I start to get a little stirred and we end up having these conversations. I told her I feel like I am looking for something more, but not sure what. Not sure what I am reaching for. I am 100% sure that our relationship will always be there, but I am still searching.

Am I searching for the mother I pictured and dreamed about 30 years ago when I was young? If so, that person doesn't exist, so why would I search for that?

Conforming Relationships

I know a lot of adoptees and natural mothers who would trade places with me in a heart beat. People who want their relationship with their reunited mother/father or child to be like mine. Of course, my relationship just didn't happen over night or over a few months. It took 18 years to get where we are. I don't wish on anyone that their relationship would take that long.

We have been doing great with our relationship for a year now. Like I have recently said, it seems when my mother finally decided that she has 3 children instead of 2, 2 daughters instead of 1, our relationship has grown tremendously. I know deep down that she already knew this, but it seems when she finally allowed herself to believe it, show it, and say it out loud, she finally opened up and treats me like her own child.

For me there are still problems in our relationship. I don't think that all my problems with being adopted will ever go away, but I believe one day it will be very, very minimal.

Since we met, I have had to always conform to her family life style. Why is that? When talking with other adoptees, it seems we are the ones that have to conform to our natural mother's/father's family life style.

Is it because I finally found her and now I am suppose to be a part of her family? Why can't she be a part of my family?

She gets upset at me if I do something that she doesn't like and thinks it is wrong for me to do. But she never thinks that I do it because this is the way I was raised. This is the way I have always done it.

One weekend I went to visit her. My boys did not go with me because they had planned a trip with their father. I wanted to go visit my nmother and have some adult conversation for the weekend. (When you are a single mother with 2 boys, there is no adult conversation around the dinner table or anywhere.) My mother decided that her favorite granddaughter needed to come to her house for the weekend because the granddaughter is a single child and my nmother didn't want her at her house alone even though her mother, my sister, was at the house all day. I ended up saying until lunch on Saturday and then came home.

When I was brought up, when someone came to visit, it was special. No matter if they came the month before. It was still special. My brother and I could not go out with our friends on the weekend. We had to stay home and visit. So I was brought up that company is to be welcomed and your home and you are to spend time with them.

My nmother doesn't see it like this. She apparently was brought up that people didn't come visit. Her other two were raised that company came to visit a little and they were not expected to stay. If company came to visit, company would have to conform to their weekend plans.

So why is it that I have to always conform to her life style. I had to change my behavior and my life style so that we could have a relationship. She didn't do any changing. It seems if I am to be accepted, I have to blend into her family.

Relationships are suppose to be a 2-way street. I have yet to see that in any reunited relationship.

The Way I Talk to My Mothers

I had just got off the phone with my amother, when my cube-mate at work turned around and said, "I always know which mother you are speaking with when you are on the phone." I just laughed about it.


But then later I started thinking. Do I really talk differently to them?

After thinking about it more, I finally admitted to it. I do talk to them differently. Since my nmother and I started seeing each other again, my relationship with my amother has changed. I didn't really mean for it to change. It just did. I think it started changing when my amother started to question every little thing I did in my life. "Why are you going to go back to that city again? When are you going to stay home? When are you going to spend more time with your kids?" It just seemed I couldn't do anything right for a year after my reunion started back up. It seems that way now.

When I talk with my amother, I allow the little things that she says or does bother me. But before I got back into reunion, she didn't say or act the way she does now.

With my nmother, I talked to her more like she is a good friend. Even though she says stuff that bothers me, I let it go. She usually gets a look from me, but I get over it most of the time quickly. She doesn't question everything I do in life. But she doesn't act like she is my mother either. When I do talk with her on the phone, my friends think that it is a friend until I tell them that it is my nmother.

I think I still walk on eggshells when it comes to my nmother. I don't try to rock the boat, because our relationship might not always be there. Seriously! I even write posts that say I know she will always be there and will not walk out on this relationship. I still believe that.

***Yes, I know I have contradicted myself.***

I know that my nmother wants a relationship with me. In fact, I know she wants this more than she ever has because of the last few weeks.

But, she allows other people to make her decision for her about being in my life. My sister and I are finally talking and getting along, but my sister could possible just lose it one day and tell her mother, "it is me or her. Choose." And of course, my nmother would choose the daughter she raised. No, it wouldn't be fair to me, but that is the way my sister runs things. My nmother won't stand up for herself. And of course, all natural mothers would say this started when my nmother got pregnant with me and had no support in raising me.

So I live with this. I have 2 mothers that I speak to differently. One I treat as my mother and one I treat as a good friend (almost my mother).