Adoptees Responsibilities

Per comments from Can We Be Honest

Let's see. My sense of humor would say we have no responsibilities as adoptees during reunion. But, if I really said that I would have a lot of mothers on my case. So let's pretend I didn't say that.

I will answer the questions Suz posted in comments from the previous post, but I want to say something first.

When I was reunited almost 19 years ago, I was 21 years old. (for those of you who don't read my post very much) For the last 19 years, until very, very recent my mother (my natural mother) did not put forth the effort to have a relationship with me. Now, at first she did. She wrote letters to me, but hardly ever called. Granted phone calls were $.50 a minute back then. When the letters started to come in, I got nervous. One, I hadn't told my parents that I had found my mother and I was so scared that they would find out and see one of the letters in my house if they came to visit. So I had to throw the letters away or hide them. Basically, I would throw them away. I could not take a chance of them finding the letters.

Two: Oh my gosh! I found the woman I had wanted to know all my life and now she wants me in her life. (Keyword: Know. Not have a relationship with) To top that off, she wanted a relationship based upon now. Not a relationship based upon the last 21 years. What about the relationship that we had had for the first 21 years of my life. Uh, yeah, there was none. She made a choice to not be in my life for the first 21 years of my life. (ok, do not comment on my "she made a choice". This is exactly how I felt back then.) I felt like she wanted to bury the last 21 years of my life and start in the present. But that couldn't happen with me. I needed to settle some issues first and apparently she was so happy for me to be in her life that she didn't care about the past.

I would say that I was mature when I was 21, but when it came to my relationship with my mother, that went out the door. When I met her for the first time, I was ok. Yes I had issues like where have you been? Did you think of me like I thought of you? Did you want to come find me? etc. But when she started to wanting a relationship, the anger all of a sudden came up. I wasn't angry about being adopted until this happened. She gave me away and now she wants a relationship. No way!

So did I have responsibility when we first met? The only responsibility that I had was to tell her that I did not want to have contact with her. I did that and she didn't listen. I would send her letters back to her stamped with "No forwarding address" stamped on there. Then she would send letters to the adoption agency and finally a friend from there called her and told her to not contact me anymore. The contact stopped. I did not have a responsibility to be her daughter or to be in her life. She was not a part of me. She was just a stranger that I didn't want in my life.
I thought I was being respectful and compassionate and open. That was my 21 year old self doing all those things. Life went on and I buried the anger and issues for 5 years.

Enough said for today. I will continue tomorrow. Again, remember this is how I felt 19 years ago, not now!

Can We Be Honest

I was surfing different adoption blogs the other day when I came across a natural mother's blog. I don't even remember which blog it was, but I couldn't believe what I was reading.

The mother and daughter had been reunited for some time and the daughter had gotten out of the relationship a few weeks before the mother had blogged about it. The post was the normal "I am not sure what I need to do or what I should say to my daughter. I am not sure why she decided to end the relationship." That is pretty normal words written when a reunited relationship ends, but here is what took me back.

She said, "When my daughter and I had first reunited, we both agreed that if the other one wanted to end the relationship, then the other would be ok with it."

I am not really sure where to start on this. My first thought was OH MY GOSH!!!

I know that my nmother did this very same thing except she did it within herself. We didn't discuss or agree to anything like this. I know that she assumed she had no right to have a relationship with me after all these years and she allowed me to have the choice whether or not we would have a relationship.

How would I feel if this would have happened to me? Let's say that my nmother and I agreed that if one of us wanted to end our relationship with the other, then that would be ok. The other would not do anything to keep it.

If we would have had this discussion 19 years ago, when we were first reunited, then it would have told me that if I chose to get out of the relationship, she would have not been hurt by it. Right? She would have agreed that it would be ok, therefore, it would not bother her for me to end the relationship and she would have gone on with her life without me.

This would have told me that she didn't perceive the relationship lasting a life time. That it would not be a mother/daughter relationship, it would almost be like a marriage. Some people go into a marriage thinking if it didn't work out that they can always get a divorce.

"Ok if this doesn't work out, no feelings are hurt, you go your way, I'll go mine."

"If the road gets too rocky, then I am out. No one will be hurt."

So if you are a nmother who has said this or agreed to this, I have some questions for you.

Why would you tell your child that if they don't want a relationship with you, then it is ok?

Isn't this a lie? Do you really not want a relationship with your reunited child? Or, are you just protecting yourself from being hurt all over again?

If your reunited child says this to you, why can't you say "I do not want this relationship to end and I would be hurt if you decided to end the relationship. If you choose to end this relationship, before you do, please talk to me about it. Let's try to work it out." Why give up so easily?

If you tell your child that it is ok if one of you decided to get out, then you are telling them that you don't care enough for them to fight for the relationship. Adoptees have so many factors to deal with when they are reunited, that they just might need their natural mother to stand up and finally fight to keep their child in their life this time.

If you are a nmother and have other children, do you wake up one morning and say, "Son/daughter, I have been thinking. You know, if our mother/son/daughter relationship is not working out for you and you want out, it is ok with me. At any point in time, you decide that this is not working for you, just let me know, and I will let you go without a fight and I will be ok."

Permission

If you read Statements From Ignorant People then you should know that my adoptive parents never once said these statements to me. In fact, they never said anything about my natural mother because they didn't know the answers to my questions. I really applaud my parents for telling me that they didn't know when they actual didn't know the answers.

When I was 19 years old, I went to search for my natural mother and found out that in my state you could not search for your natural mother/father unless you were 21. My comment to that is: HOW STUPID!!! Anyway, I had to have my parents sign a form to give me permission to search for her. I got the form, asked my parents to sign, they were willing to sign it, and then didn't allow them to sign.

I know now that if my parents wouldn't have been willing to sign that form, I would have somehow forged their name or found some way to get their signatures on it. Then I would have found my nmother and it probably wouldn't have gone very good. I know that I would have found her just to spite my parents. It wouldn't have been for me at that time. It would have been just to get back at them and the system because they told me I couldn't.

So it really shocked me that they were willing to sign. But I had to do this own my own. Not with any one's permission. Finding her was for me, not anyone else.

A few months ago, I went to the adoption agency to look at my records that they had. These records were over 40 years old. I could see the records, but I could not have a copy or the cards that my nmother had sent to me via the adoption agency after we met. I had to have my nmother's permission. She has to sign a form to allow me to have the cards and have a copy of the records. So I received the form, asked her to sign it, she said she would, but I haven't given her the form. I am back to having to have someone's permission to get the stuff that I think belongs to me. Oh, evidentually I will give her the form and get the things in the folder, but it will take a little while for me to be able to get over having to have someone's permission.

Meet The Parents

When my nmother and I were reunited almost 5 years, I asked her to go with me to meet my parents at their house. Both parties agreed to this meeting and my nmother and I drove 2 hours to my parent's house.

My parents had moved away from my hometown 6 years before this visit. I would have liked her to visit my hometown and see the house they I grew up in instead of going to a house that I had never lived in, but we were not visiting the house. She was going with me to meet the parents. (sounds like a movie)

So almost 14 years ago, my parents met my nmother. I remember the drive being pretty quiet. She really didn't talk much. I remember being very calm and not nervous about the meeting. I really didn't have anything to be nervous about because I knew both parties and both parties were my family.

My Dad met my nmother and then took off to go do manly stuff. Honestly, I am not sure where he went, but he took off as soon as we got there. My mother, nmother, and I stayed in the house and just talked.

Luckily my parent's house was at a lake so we could at least sit on the back porch and look out the window at the lake instead of just staring at each other.

My whole goal in that meeting was to make sure that my nmother was ok. I didn't worry about my mother because it was her house. My nmother was finally meeting my parents and she was in unfamiliar territory. So I sat by my nmother and every now and then when Mom would go to the kitchen or something, I would ask my nmother if she was ok and doing fine. She did just fine with that meeting.

During the meeting, my Mom brought in some photo albums and she showed my nmother different pictures and talked about me growing up.

I thought everything was going great. Years later, I found out that my mother went to her bedroom for a few minutes and broke down. Since I was still on the back porch with my nmother, I didn't realize that my mother had gone to her bedroom. Mom said that she was upset because I wasn't paying attention to her, I was paying attention to my nmother. I told her that the reason for this was because we were in her house and her territory. I also said that I knew that my relationship with my Mom was stable and would always be there, but my relationship with my nmother was not stable. I didn't know if it would be there the next day.

We left several hours later and my nmother hasn't seen my mother since. Neither one will see the other now. Drives me crazy, but that is their problem and not mine. When I asked my nmother how she was doing on the way back home, she informed that it was a good visit and she was glad that she met my parents.

I remember feeling relived that both families had met. It made me feel like I had joined both families together through me. But now both families have separated again and will not meet up. I don't know why. I have even asked both mothers, but get no response. I really don't need them to come together and be friends or even meet for coffee every now and then. What I need is for them to be willing to meet up if I asked.

Statements From Ignorant People

Recently I was asked if I am looking for "validation" from my mother.

I was thinking of the years growing up without her and what people said to me. Of course this list probably doesn't even come close to everything that was said, but it is what I could think of right now.

Things said to me about my mother:

Your birth mother didn’t want you so she gave you away.
She wanted to have a good life and you would have messed things up.
She’s moved on, can’t you leave it alone?
She wanted confidentiality; you need to respect her decision on this.
She wanted to go to college and she couldn’t with a baby.
Your birth mother and father were married, but too young or too poor to raise you.
She didn’t have a right to raise you.
You will be disrespecting her, if you searched for her.
She has moved on with a new family and doesn’t want you.
She is married by now and has other children and has forgotten about you.
Since she gave you up, she has no right to want you in her life.
If she wanted you in her life, she would come find you.
If she loved you, she would have not given you away.
If she loved you, she would have you in her life.

Things that would be said about me:

Since she gave you away, you don’t need her.
Your parents are your mom and dad now. They are the only Mom and Dad you need.
Why would you want someone in your life that didn’t love you or want you.
She left you all alone.
You have good parents, why would you want to hurt them.
Don’t your parents give you enough love.
Your parent’s are high in the community, if you find your birth mother, this would really hurt them in the community and possibly their work place.
You would just disrupt her life, if you found her.
You would cause problems in her life, because she probably never told her husband or her family about you.
You don’t need her.

Hearing these statements growing up, I would believe them. There was nothing that told me they were false. In fact, I still get people who are ignorant and say these statements to me. So do I need validation that these statements are false? I guess I would have to say "yes".

I was told over and over and over these statements and then one day my mother told me to just not listen to people when they don't know what they are talking about. It is really not that easy to erase some things from memory.

Get Off the Fence Post

If you haven't been reading the comments from Hated Sibling then feel free to go and read them and come back.

Until now, I thought I was probably one of the many few adoptees that have a sibling that does not like them. I would almost go as far to say as "hate" them. I have even said that she would probably prefer me to not be alive.

So I asked a question and here is a more detailed version: If your children that you raised, hated each other or showed signs of dislike for each other, would you do something about it?

If my two boys show signs of not liking each other, we have a talk. I mean we sit down and discuss what is going on and everyone gets to say how they feel and what they think, but when everything is said, of course, Mom gets her way. I just tell them that they are brothers and will always be with each other and they have different views, but they are still brothers. I really believe if I just let them dislike each other, then it will get worse and worse and make me miserable.

So I have a couple of thoughts:
(1) Do mothers, who have raised children who do not like or hate their surrendered child, think that their children are going to sit down one day and discuss the problems that the raised child is having? Are the two children going to work out their own problems?

(2) Why do mothers sit on the fence post on this issue? Instead of talking to the raised child and helping them work out these issues, it seems that mothers tend to leave the situation alone.

(3) Is this one of those issues that the mother is afraid if she confronts the raised child with their behavior toward the surrendered child, she may lose both children?

If you have read my blog, you would know that I have a younger half-sister and half-brother. I am in this situation right now where my half-sister just really hates me and her behavior around me is awful. My mother will not do anything about it. She just says that she wishes that both of us were close and would treat each other as sisters.

It is not my responsibility to make sure my sister acts correctly when around me. There is no way that I would be able to go up to my sister and ask her why she treats me the way she does and try to work things out. But I feel like it is my mother's responsibility to sit down with her other daughter and discuss this with her. But instead of helping her other daughter understand that I had nothing to do with coming into this family or nothing to do with not being raised by our mother, she sits on the fence post. She is a silent mother just watching from the stands. I am not asking her to cheer one of us on. I am asking her to own up to her responsibility to her two daughters and talk with my sister about adoption and why she is upset with me. This is one of those situations that she could "fix", but doesn't.

I would like her to get off the fence post and participate in this conflict and resolve it. Until she does this, my sister will keep treating me like I don't belong and keep the stress level high. I believe that if my sister and brother were in this conflict, then our mother would talk with my sister and figure out how to resolve the situation.

The Hated Sibling

Hey Cedar, got a question for you and any other mother who would like to comment.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do to help your second born with his anger? (From her comment on post: Siblings Feel Survivor Guilt) Do you talk with him and tell him that it is not your first-born's fault that this has happened? Do you try to fix their relationship or help both of them through it?

I ask this because my nmother does not even try to help my half-sister to understand about adoption. She has never talked to her about it. Just told her about me 18 years ago and then never talked about it again. She has left it up to us to fix things.

My boys are 10 and 7 years old. When they argue and can't stand one another, I usually will step in, get them together, and talk things out. Then they are brothers again.

About 6 months ago, my natural brother and I were tired of the hatred and other stuff that was going on since I have been back in the family. So we decided to have a meeting at his house and get everyone together and talk it out. Unfortunately, it turned out that we couldn't get everyone together. I wished we would have. Maybe my natural sister and I would be closer now.