I still have been thinking a lot about my relationship and my future relationship with my natural mother since we went on vacation together. I previously wrote about how our time together was different than what I had pictured before we went on vacation, but I never thought that I would be content in my relationship with her.
I have finally (for now) have calmed down my feelings and have taken control of them.
When we met over 18 years ago and I was a young 21 year old and she, was 39 and wanted a mother/daughter relationship, but I just couldn’t give her that at the time. I felt like if I gave her a mother/daughter relationship that I would lose my own mother/daughter relationship with my adoptive mother and father. I know now that that would not have happened, but at 21, I didn’t know any better. Six months later into our new found relationship, I wrote the “I can’t see you or talk to you” letter to her. Well, that letter costs me my relationship with her forever. Since then she will not go down that road again.
About 2 years later, I called her up and started talking with her and getting to know her and her family. But it was always me calling and striking up a conversation. We lived 3 hours apart and she would not ask if I wanted to come visit or meet somewhere. It was a relationship that if something was going to happen or grow, I had to do it. It was very difficult for me to have a one-sided relationship with her and I felt like she didn’t care enough about me to have a relationship, so I quit calling. Since she never called and I never called, the relationship stood still. Well, really just died. Every year and a half, I would call, we would talk, and then nothing. It was always a one-side relationship.
Years had past. I grew up and had kids of my own and then over 6 months ago, I called my mother and asked if I could come visit one weekend. Since then I have called and visited several times. This is the longest time we have actually spent in our relationship. But I now see why I decided to do that in the past. For 18 years I thought that it was always my fault for not wanting a relationship or my fault for the relationship to not develop into something. But now, I realize it wasn’t. Relationships are two sided and not everything falls on me.
When it comes to my relationship with my mother, I would have to put it in the category of “just being there”. At one point in time, I thought I would like it in the “very close mother/daughter” relationship. Or I could even go with “very stable friendship plus some” relationship. But that is not going to happen. I am content with “just being there” relationship. What that means is that we have a relationship that it is stable as long as I don’t expect anything out of her. She will not call or contact me unless she needs to. I don’t need to go visit her unless she wants me to. I would think that if it wasn’t for me wanted a relationship and accepting the category of “just being there”, that she would keep the relationship at the category of “she can take it or leave it”. So with her “I can take it or leave it” state of mind, I settle for “just being there”.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Vacation
I have to admit that my vacation was a little different than what I thought it would be. I thought that I would finally get to the point of my relationship with my natural mother that I was not insecure about it. I thought that we would come back from the cruise closer than we had ever been and knowing that nothing would get in the way of our relationship. So much for thinking.
I wanted to go on vacation with my nmom to be able to get closer to her and it just be the 2 of us and no one else could get in the way of our relationship for 7 days. My nmom has a tendency to allow her other daughter to rule our relationship and my nmom worries all the time that her other daughter will stop having a relationship with her because of our relationship. I can honestly say that no one did get in the way of our relationship while we were gone. But when we got back, my nmom went right back into the "I have other children and I can't have a total relationship with you" mode.
I also thought that I would learn things about my nmom that I didn't know, but that didn't happen. What happened was my nmom learned who I was and the "little" things that I do in my life. The bad part was that she would vocal all the things that I would do that she didn't understand. She would ask me "Why do you do this....or why do you do that?" In fact, at one point in time, I said, "Can I do anything right?" You don't want to know her answer.
Our cruise made us be on the ship for 2 1/2 days. I was shocked that we did really well in those days. About half way through the cruise, we ended up having a discussion about our relationship. She had mentioned to my brother that she did not want to discuss adoption or our relationship with me on our trip. But she was the one that opened up the "can of worms" and I decided to join right in.
Right now, I can't even remember how she brought it up but I do remember some of the conversation. There is particularly one part that I was glad to be able to say. She told me that she wanted me and her other daughter (yes, my sister) to be able to be close. (Now, how can I be close to my sister when I can't even have a close relationship with my nmom? Go figure) I told her that my sister and I would never be close until my sister forgave her, my nmom. She looked at me in surprise. I said, "We will never be close until she forgives you. Think about it. All those years that she was growing up thinking that she was the first born and the only daughter and you told her about right and wrong. Then when she was 17 years old, you pull her outside one day and tell her that she is not the first born and she is not the only daughter. That there is another that you have never told her about. Now think about being 17 years old, a girl, and your mother just telling you these things. Being 17 is a hard enough age for a girl, but your mother telling you something like this? And then you have never dealt with it yourself and never talk to her about it. You just think everything will just go right in to place; like nothing ever happened. Yeah, I don't think so. She stays mad at me because that is her way of venting her anger toward you. She can't be mad at you because you are her mother. It is easier for her to be upset with me and not deal with it than to sit down and tell you how she feels and how angry she was when she found out about me." My nmom just looked at me and said nothing. That pretty much ended the adoption talk for the trip. At least I finally got to say why my sister will not have a relationship with me.
I wanted to go on vacation with my nmom to be able to get closer to her and it just be the 2 of us and no one else could get in the way of our relationship for 7 days. My nmom has a tendency to allow her other daughter to rule our relationship and my nmom worries all the time that her other daughter will stop having a relationship with her because of our relationship. I can honestly say that no one did get in the way of our relationship while we were gone. But when we got back, my nmom went right back into the "I have other children and I can't have a total relationship with you" mode.
I also thought that I would learn things about my nmom that I didn't know, but that didn't happen. What happened was my nmom learned who I was and the "little" things that I do in my life. The bad part was that she would vocal all the things that I would do that she didn't understand. She would ask me "Why do you do this....or why do you do that?" In fact, at one point in time, I said, "Can I do anything right?" You don't want to know her answer.
Our cruise made us be on the ship for 2 1/2 days. I was shocked that we did really well in those days. About half way through the cruise, we ended up having a discussion about our relationship. She had mentioned to my brother that she did not want to discuss adoption or our relationship with me on our trip. But she was the one that opened up the "can of worms" and I decided to join right in.
Right now, I can't even remember how she brought it up but I do remember some of the conversation. There is particularly one part that I was glad to be able to say. She told me that she wanted me and her other daughter (yes, my sister) to be able to be close. (Now, how can I be close to my sister when I can't even have a close relationship with my nmom? Go figure) I told her that my sister and I would never be close until my sister forgave her, my nmom. She looked at me in surprise. I said, "We will never be close until she forgives you. Think about it. All those years that she was growing up thinking that she was the first born and the only daughter and you told her about right and wrong. Then when she was 17 years old, you pull her outside one day and tell her that she is not the first born and she is not the only daughter. That there is another that you have never told her about. Now think about being 17 years old, a girl, and your mother just telling you these things. Being 17 is a hard enough age for a girl, but your mother telling you something like this? And then you have never dealt with it yourself and never talk to her about it. You just think everything will just go right in to place; like nothing ever happened. Yeah, I don't think so. She stays mad at me because that is her way of venting her anger toward you. She can't be mad at you because you are her mother. It is easier for her to be upset with me and not deal with it than to sit down and tell you how she feels and how angry she was when she found out about me." My nmom just looked at me and said nothing. That pretty much ended the adoption talk for the trip. At least I finally got to say why my sister will not have a relationship with me.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Talking To My Brother
I am really curious to know how many natural mothers have gone on a vacation with only their son/daughter? I am not talking just a little weekend get together. I am talking at least a 7 day vacation.
I will probably write several posts on my vacation with my natural mother, so bear with me.
I have written before that my half brother and I are really close. In fact, we are trying to go into business with one another. When we are around other people, they comment on how our mannerism are the same. We don't look anything alike except for a few physical things, but we really act and think a lot a like. I really like that because no one in my adoptive family acts like me.
Before I left my house on vacation, I found out that my nmom talked to my brother and told him that there is no reason he should be talking to me as much as he does. She told him that there was no reason we should talk so often over the phone. I learned that she told him this when he told me to not tell her things that he and I do. After he told me what she said, I just about died. I couldn't believe she said this and my brother told me that she doesn't understand how him and I think or how we like to hang around or talk together. She hates to talk on the phone or get together and have dinner and just talk. So she doesn't understand why anyone else would do this. But my brother and I enjoy talking to one another since we live so far away from each other and don't see each other much.
This kinda put a little damper on my vacation. I figured I would be very upset by the time our vacation came, but luckily my brother and I talked and he helped me through my being upset with her.
Ok, next post....our vacation. I promise.
I will probably write several posts on my vacation with my natural mother, so bear with me.
I have written before that my half brother and I are really close. In fact, we are trying to go into business with one another. When we are around other people, they comment on how our mannerism are the same. We don't look anything alike except for a few physical things, but we really act and think a lot a like. I really like that because no one in my adoptive family acts like me.
Before I left my house on vacation, I found out that my nmom talked to my brother and told him that there is no reason he should be talking to me as much as he does. She told him that there was no reason we should talk so often over the phone. I learned that she told him this when he told me to not tell her things that he and I do. After he told me what she said, I just about died. I couldn't believe she said this and my brother told me that she doesn't understand how him and I think or how we like to hang around or talk together. She hates to talk on the phone or get together and have dinner and just talk. So she doesn't understand why anyone else would do this. But my brother and I enjoy talking to one another since we live so far away from each other and don't see each other much.
This kinda put a little damper on my vacation. I figured I would be very upset by the time our vacation came, but luckily my brother and I talked and he helped me through my being upset with her.
Ok, next post....our vacation. I promise.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Back From Vacation
I have returned from my vacation with my nmom. I have been gone for the last 10 days and have a lot of catching up to do on my blog. But, I need some time to unpack and get things put up and then I will sit down and write about my time with her.
Monday, February 25, 2008
How Bad Do You Want Your Relationship?
I am sure that it has been studied, but I wonder what the percentage is that adoptees search first to find their natural mother versus natural mothers searching first to find their child? I am wondering because when I think that my mother did not search for me at all, my heart starts hurting. I tend to start feeling very sad even though I have a great relationship with her.
Growing up, I was constantly told that she didn't want me and that I would mess up her life if I found her. But I rose up and fought against that. I went after what I wanted and needed in spite of what others, including my adoptive family, told me.
So, why didn't my mother rise up and fight for what she wanted and needed 5, 10, 18, 20 years after I was born? I know the crap she was told when she gave birth, but why didn't she stand up for what she wanted years or even decades later?
Why do other mothers not rise up and fight for what they want and need years or decades later?
Do adoptees grow up to be stronger people? Are we able to stand up for ourselves more than what our mothers can? Or is it that we want something bad enough that we go after it, but our mothers don't want a relationship with us bad enough.
Growing up, I was constantly told that she didn't want me and that I would mess up her life if I found her. But I rose up and fought against that. I went after what I wanted and needed in spite of what others, including my adoptive family, told me.
So, why didn't my mother rise up and fight for what she wanted and needed 5, 10, 18, 20 years after I was born? I know the crap she was told when she gave birth, but why didn't she stand up for what she wanted years or even decades later?
Why do other mothers not rise up and fight for what they want and need years or decades later?
Do adoptees grow up to be stronger people? Are we able to stand up for ourselves more than what our mothers can? Or is it that we want something bad enough that we go after it, but our mothers don't want a relationship with us bad enough.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Still Searching
Even though I still think my natural father has fallen off the earth, I have had so many people come out of the wood work to help me search for him. I haven't gotten any closer to him, but at least I might find him a little faster with more people helping.
Some days I feel very frustrated with the search. There are several things I think will happen when I find him. Of course, I really have no clue what will happen, but I do think of these things now.
(1) I will not always think about my relationship with my Mom. I think I will have more things to think about than doing things with my Mom.
(2) I think it might help my relationship with my Mom also. I know she wants me to find him, but I think that she might think that if I find him, that I will leave our relationship behind. Does she think that I might like him better than her? I might enjoy his time more than I do with her? He might can give me more than she can? If she thinks this, I need to find him quickly so that I can prove to her that he can't mean more to me than she can.
(3) I will have all my questions answered. Wow wouldn't this be great! All my questions I have had my whole life would finally be answered.
(4) I will find the person that I look like and act like. I don't really look like my Mom except for my nose. I have pictures of my father and I look like him everywhere else. I don't act like my Mom so I am hoping that I can see my father in me.
But most days, I just think it will never happen. I started searching for my father in 1994. If I would have just tried a little harder or kept researching, I would think I would have found him by now. I use to get a little information and then I would have to stop searching so I could take in the information and process it. As you can tell, it has taken years to process little information.
I do have to say I get very tired of people telling me that my father doesn't want me in his life. Are you kidding? I tell them to go ask him first and if he says that then I will believe them. They just look at me like I am weird. I wished I had a button to zap people into infinity when they say this. I have people say "if he wanted you in his life, he would have kept you", "if he wanted you in his life, he would have found you", "if he wanted you in his life, he will come find you". Can you see my eyes rolling in the back of my head? Writing this even makes me frustrated. To be honest, yes he did want me, yes he did want to keep me, yes he asked my mother to marry him and raise me, so yes he did want me.
Some days I feel very frustrated with the search. There are several things I think will happen when I find him. Of course, I really have no clue what will happen, but I do think of these things now.
(1) I will not always think about my relationship with my Mom. I think I will have more things to think about than doing things with my Mom.
(2) I think it might help my relationship with my Mom also. I know she wants me to find him, but I think that she might think that if I find him, that I will leave our relationship behind. Does she think that I might like him better than her? I might enjoy his time more than I do with her? He might can give me more than she can? If she thinks this, I need to find him quickly so that I can prove to her that he can't mean more to me than she can.
(3) I will have all my questions answered. Wow wouldn't this be great! All my questions I have had my whole life would finally be answered.
(4) I will find the person that I look like and act like. I don't really look like my Mom except for my nose. I have pictures of my father and I look like him everywhere else. I don't act like my Mom so I am hoping that I can see my father in me.
But most days, I just think it will never happen. I started searching for my father in 1994. If I would have just tried a little harder or kept researching, I would think I would have found him by now. I use to get a little information and then I would have to stop searching so I could take in the information and process it. As you can tell, it has taken years to process little information.
I do have to say I get very tired of people telling me that my father doesn't want me in his life. Are you kidding? I tell them to go ask him first and if he says that then I will believe them. They just look at me like I am weird. I wished I had a button to zap people into infinity when they say this. I have people say "if he wanted you in his life, he would have kept you", "if he wanted you in his life, he would have found you", "if he wanted you in his life, he will come find you". Can you see my eyes rolling in the back of my head? Writing this even makes me frustrated. To be honest, yes he did want me, yes he did want to keep me, yes he asked my mother to marry him and raise me, so yes he did want me.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
The Fund Raiser
I think silver looks good for a mid-life crisis. I drove 6 hours to get this car and when I was driving back, I decided to spend the night at my Mom's house. It took me forever to get to her house because of a huge rainstorm that I had to drive in for 3 hours straight. You know the kind where the speed limit is 70, but you can only drive 30 just to see 20 feet in front of you and you hope the car, that you can barely see in front of you, doesn't put on their brakes.
When I got to Mom's house, I just crashed on the coach for an hour just to be able to relax from the storm and driving. I had called my grandfather (my mom's father) and told him I would come over to visit for a little while. My mom told me that she would call him and cancel my visit so that I could rest, but I said no and went to visit him even though I was so tired.
Speaking of grandfather, I think I am the only grandchild that visits him and his wife. I have lost both of my adopted grandfathers a long time ago, so I really cherish the time I am spending with my natural grandfather. It seems I learn something new every time I visit. He wants me to take him to his home town to show me where "the family" came from. I am hoping some time this summer to take that trip.
On Sunday, my mother and I went shopping in the little car all day. It was great. My brother invited us to go to a fund raiser with him. So I stayed over another night since Monday was a holiday for me. This fund raiser was neat. My brother is an executive chef and he was asked to make a couple of desserts for this fund raiser along with about 30 more top rated restaurants. If you are a chocolate lover, this place was for you. There was chocolate dessert everywhere. I only ate about 5% of the desserts because I hate chocolate. I ate the non-chocolate desserts and they were really good. Oh yeah, seriously I hate chocolate. It really tastes awful and I don't understand how anyone can eat it.
On a bad note, before the fund raiser, I decided to do a small project that my mother needed done at her house, but she didn't want me to do it. "Just wait another time or I will get someone else to do it since you don't have time to do it", she said to me. Nope, I wouldn't listen. (Mistake number 1). Well, I broke the heating unit that heats the house. (Mistake number 2) And it was time to go to the fund raiser. I couldn't understand what happened and why it happened, but I was determined to fix it when we got back. When the party was over, she was telling my brother that I had broke the heater and it wasn't working and I shouldn't have touch it in the first place because I didn't know what I was doing. Well, I did know what I was doing because I had done this project many, many times before and that is why I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
They were serving wine at this fund raiser and I decided to drink a little while I was there. Bad part was that I hadn't eaten dinner that night so the alcohol was getting to me. (Mistake number 3) At one time I told my future sister-n-law that I had to get something to eat to make the alcohol affect go down. So we ate more dessert. It helped. I wasn't drunk, just in the mood to tell the truth. (Mistake number 4) So we are driving home, my mother and I, and she is telling me that I shouldn't have touched the heater project and out comes some truth comments (Mistake number 5)
"Why can't you just appreciate the things I do for you? Why can't you like me for who I have become? Are you not proud of who I have become? Is this where you decide to end our relationship? Now, I have to worry if this is the time that you decide that we don't need to have a relationship."
She didn't say a thing. I do remember saying "Next time remind me not to drink more than 1 glass of wine."
We got to her house and I called my air conditioner/heater guy friend and he told me I blew a fuse. I did and I changed it. The heater came on and wow I was so proud of myself for fixing it. The heater was going for a whole minute and I went to the attic to close the heater front panel (Mistake number 6) and "POP", the heater dies. Oh my GOSH!!! Turns out that the guy who put the unit in in the first place left some wires hanging and didn't fix them right and they ended up moving when I put the panel back on and touched each other and the heater died.
Long story short, we froze that night. I laugh now, but it was really cold in that house. The next morning, Mom calls the heater guy who put it in and he came out and fixed the wires. I left to go back home and she called me in the afternoon to tell me that it wasn't my fault and that it would have happened evidentually and for me to quit worrying about it. Yeah, right, me worry?
My friends tell me I live such an eventful life. I just think this is normal!
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