I wrote on this many months ago, but this still is bothering me today.
I have been granted all my nmother’s records from the adoption agency, but have not taken the offer yet. I still catch myself doing things in steps and when I am ready to have those records all to myself, I will get them. I have seen them and know what is there, but still not prepared to have them to myself.
What still bothers me:
“I understand that either way, once the Court terminates my parental rights, I have no further say concerning my child.”
This sentence was on the adoption contract that my nmother was forced to sign.
Did she really think she had no further say concerning me?
Did she just sign the paper knowing that was what she needed to do at the time?
Did she even read the papers?
What if she read the papers, did she think that maybe someday she might have a say concerning me?
This part gets me: The agency probably told her that I wasn’t her child, but in this statement, the agency admits that I was her child.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Joining Families
My nmother and I planned a day out on Valentine's Day and we went on a small trip that took all day. We ended up visiting several museums that were about an hour away from her house. My cousin, from my adoptive family, and a friend from my work went with us. My friend and I ended up in a different part of one of the museums, so my cousin and my nmother were together for an hour. They ended up going to a cafe there and talked until my friend and I showed up. It was good to hear that my nmother really likes my cousin and my cousin really likes my nmother.
My cousin and I are so much alike. We are the only ones with dark hair in the family. We are very, very similar and have done a lot together in our lives. My cousin is 11 years older than me and we used to joke, when I was little, that if she was just a little bit older she could have been my natural mother since we are so similar.
This is the first trip my nmother has taken with me and another family member of mine and a friend. She has met some of my friends, but has never spent in quality time with them. It made me feel a whole lot better that she got to know my cousin.
It seems that she is starting to become a part of my family and not just me becoming a part of her family.
This is really bringing us closer and closer in our relationship. She is starting to learn my family and see what kind of friends I hang out with. It seems that she knows more of my friends than my adoptive mother does. Every now and then, she will ask how one of my friends is doing if I have told her that they are having problems.
While I was visiting on that Valentine's weekend, one of my dear friend's daughter, 20 years old, attempted suicide by a self inflicted wound to her head. She is alive but in a coma. The doctors say she may survive. As of right now, she is fighting an infection. My nmother asks me every day how she is doing and what is her condition is even though she doesn't know either the mother or the daughter. This shows me how much my nmother wants to be in my life.
My cousin and I are so much alike. We are the only ones with dark hair in the family. We are very, very similar and have done a lot together in our lives. My cousin is 11 years older than me and we used to joke, when I was little, that if she was just a little bit older she could have been my natural mother since we are so similar.
This is the first trip my nmother has taken with me and another family member of mine and a friend. She has met some of my friends, but has never spent in quality time with them. It made me feel a whole lot better that she got to know my cousin.
It seems that she is starting to become a part of my family and not just me becoming a part of her family.
This is really bringing us closer and closer in our relationship. She is starting to learn my family and see what kind of friends I hang out with. It seems that she knows more of my friends than my adoptive mother does. Every now and then, she will ask how one of my friends is doing if I have told her that they are having problems.
While I was visiting on that Valentine's weekend, one of my dear friend's daughter, 20 years old, attempted suicide by a self inflicted wound to her head. She is alive but in a coma. The doctors say she may survive. As of right now, she is fighting an infection. My nmother asks me every day how she is doing and what is her condition is even though she doesn't know either the mother or the daughter. This shows me how much my nmother wants to be in my life.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wanting More, But What?
I wrote a month ago that my nmother has changed her attitude/behavior with me in the last month. With her change in behavior, which was a good thing, I didn't know what to do with this "new norm". I am not used to this. I am used to keeping her at a distance and making sure I am not going to get hurt too much.
But this "new norm" has made me want more. Even though I call her "Mom" (and that is not very often) I still don't feel it deep down. But I am starting to want more of a "Mom" relationship. I seem to catch myself remembering when I was very young and dreaming of her. Dreaming that we would just know things about each other without having to say them. Dreaming of the mother that had that mother/daughter connection. I find myself still reaching for that.
I want her to have that feeling that you get when you know you need to call a friend because you just "feel" that something is wrong. Or the feeling that you have when you look at someone and you know that something is wrong. She doesn't have that with me.
I could be at my lowest one day and be having a really bad day, she would never know it if I didn't call and tell her. If I was having issues with something and went to visit her, she doesn't see it in my face. I want that. I have that with my closest friends, but do not have it with her.
Now you can say, "but you don't see her all the time. It would be different if you lived in the same town and saw each other all the time." But I think mother's who give birth to their children have that feeling; have that connection. If you take the time to be silent in this busy world, I think you can have that connection. I have that connection with my kids.
At the end of our conversation, I finally told my nmother that she had changed her behavior with me the last month and it startled me a little. She said that usually when things are going really good with us, usually I start to get a little stirred and we end up having these conversations. I told her I feel like I am looking for something more, but not sure what. Not sure what I am reaching for. I am 100% sure that our relationship will always be there, but I am still searching.
Am I searching for the mother I pictured and dreamed about 30 years ago when I was young? If so, that person doesn't exist, so why would I search for that?
But this "new norm" has made me want more. Even though I call her "Mom" (and that is not very often) I still don't feel it deep down. But I am starting to want more of a "Mom" relationship. I seem to catch myself remembering when I was very young and dreaming of her. Dreaming that we would just know things about each other without having to say them. Dreaming of the mother that had that mother/daughter connection. I find myself still reaching for that.
I want her to have that feeling that you get when you know you need to call a friend because you just "feel" that something is wrong. Or the feeling that you have when you look at someone and you know that something is wrong. She doesn't have that with me.
I could be at my lowest one day and be having a really bad day, she would never know it if I didn't call and tell her. If I was having issues with something and went to visit her, she doesn't see it in my face. I want that. I have that with my closest friends, but do not have it with her.
Now you can say, "but you don't see her all the time. It would be different if you lived in the same town and saw each other all the time." But I think mother's who give birth to their children have that feeling; have that connection. If you take the time to be silent in this busy world, I think you can have that connection. I have that connection with my kids.
At the end of our conversation, I finally told my nmother that she had changed her behavior with me the last month and it startled me a little. She said that usually when things are going really good with us, usually I start to get a little stirred and we end up having these conversations. I told her I feel like I am looking for something more, but not sure what. Not sure what I am reaching for. I am 100% sure that our relationship will always be there, but I am still searching.
Am I searching for the mother I pictured and dreamed about 30 years ago when I was young? If so, that person doesn't exist, so why would I search for that?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Conforming Relationships
I know a lot of adoptees and natural mothers who would trade places with me in a heart beat. People who want their relationship with their reunited mother/father or child to be like mine. Of course, my relationship just didn't happen over night or over a few months. It took 18 years to get where we are. I don't wish on anyone that their relationship would take that long.
We have been doing great with our relationship for a year now. Like I have recently said, it seems when my mother finally decided that she has 3 children instead of 2, 2 daughters instead of 1, our relationship has grown tremendously. I know deep down that she already knew this, but it seems when she finally allowed herself to believe it, show it, and say it out loud, she finally opened up and treats me like her own child.
For me there are still problems in our relationship. I don't think that all my problems with being adopted will ever go away, but I believe one day it will be very, very minimal.
Since we met, I have had to always conform to her family life style. Why is that? When talking with other adoptees, it seems we are the ones that have to conform to our natural mother's/father's family life style.
Is it because I finally found her and now I am suppose to be a part of her family? Why can't she be a part of my family?
She gets upset at me if I do something that she doesn't like and thinks it is wrong for me to do. But she never thinks that I do it because this is the way I was raised. This is the way I have always done it.
One weekend I went to visit her. My boys did not go with me because they had planned a trip with their father. I wanted to go visit my nmother and have some adult conversation for the weekend. (When you are a single mother with 2 boys, there is no adult conversation around the dinner table or anywhere.) My mother decided that her favorite granddaughter needed to come to her house for the weekend because the granddaughter is a single child and my nmother didn't want her at her house alone even though her mother, my sister, was at the house all day. I ended up saying until lunch on Saturday and then came home.
When I was brought up, when someone came to visit, it was special. No matter if they came the month before. It was still special. My brother and I could not go out with our friends on the weekend. We had to stay home and visit. So I was brought up that company is to be welcomed and your home and you are to spend time with them.
My nmother doesn't see it like this. She apparently was brought up that people didn't come visit. Her other two were raised that company came to visit a little and they were not expected to stay. If company came to visit, company would have to conform to their weekend plans.
So why is it that I have to always conform to her life style. I had to change my behavior and my life style so that we could have a relationship. She didn't do any changing. It seems if I am to be accepted, I have to blend into her family.
Relationships are suppose to be a 2-way street. I have yet to see that in any reunited relationship.
We have been doing great with our relationship for a year now. Like I have recently said, it seems when my mother finally decided that she has 3 children instead of 2, 2 daughters instead of 1, our relationship has grown tremendously. I know deep down that she already knew this, but it seems when she finally allowed herself to believe it, show it, and say it out loud, she finally opened up and treats me like her own child.
For me there are still problems in our relationship. I don't think that all my problems with being adopted will ever go away, but I believe one day it will be very, very minimal.
Since we met, I have had to always conform to her family life style. Why is that? When talking with other adoptees, it seems we are the ones that have to conform to our natural mother's/father's family life style.
Is it because I finally found her and now I am suppose to be a part of her family? Why can't she be a part of my family?
She gets upset at me if I do something that she doesn't like and thinks it is wrong for me to do. But she never thinks that I do it because this is the way I was raised. This is the way I have always done it.
One weekend I went to visit her. My boys did not go with me because they had planned a trip with their father. I wanted to go visit my nmother and have some adult conversation for the weekend. (When you are a single mother with 2 boys, there is no adult conversation around the dinner table or anywhere.) My mother decided that her favorite granddaughter needed to come to her house for the weekend because the granddaughter is a single child and my nmother didn't want her at her house alone even though her mother, my sister, was at the house all day. I ended up saying until lunch on Saturday and then came home.
When I was brought up, when someone came to visit, it was special. No matter if they came the month before. It was still special. My brother and I could not go out with our friends on the weekend. We had to stay home and visit. So I was brought up that company is to be welcomed and your home and you are to spend time with them.
My nmother doesn't see it like this. She apparently was brought up that people didn't come visit. Her other two were raised that company came to visit a little and they were not expected to stay. If company came to visit, company would have to conform to their weekend plans.
So why is it that I have to always conform to her life style. I had to change my behavior and my life style so that we could have a relationship. She didn't do any changing. It seems if I am to be accepted, I have to blend into her family.
Relationships are suppose to be a 2-way street. I have yet to see that in any reunited relationship.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Way I Talk to My Mothers
I had just got off the phone with my amother, when my cube-mate at work turned around and said, "I always know which mother you are speaking with when you are on the phone." I just laughed about it.
But then later I started thinking. Do I really talk differently to them?
After thinking about it more, I finally admitted to it. I do talk to them differently. Since my nmother and I started seeing each other again, my relationship with my amother has changed. I didn't really mean for it to change. It just did. I think it started changing when my amother started to question every little thing I did in my life. "Why are you going to go back to that city again? When are you going to stay home? When are you going to spend more time with your kids?" It just seemed I couldn't do anything right for a year after my reunion started back up. It seems that way now.
When I talk with my amother, I allow the little things that she says or does bother me. But before I got back into reunion, she didn't say or act the way she does now.
With my nmother, I talked to her more like she is a good friend. Even though she says stuff that bothers me, I let it go. She usually gets a look from me, but I get over it most of the time quickly. She doesn't question everything I do in life. But she doesn't act like she is my mother either. When I do talk with her on the phone, my friends think that it is a friend until I tell them that it is my nmother.
But then later I started thinking. Do I really talk differently to them?
After thinking about it more, I finally admitted to it. I do talk to them differently. Since my nmother and I started seeing each other again, my relationship with my amother has changed. I didn't really mean for it to change. It just did. I think it started changing when my amother started to question every little thing I did in my life. "Why are you going to go back to that city again? When are you going to stay home? When are you going to spend more time with your kids?" It just seemed I couldn't do anything right for a year after my reunion started back up. It seems that way now.
When I talk with my amother, I allow the little things that she says or does bother me. But before I got back into reunion, she didn't say or act the way she does now.
With my nmother, I talked to her more like she is a good friend. Even though she says stuff that bothers me, I let it go. She usually gets a look from me, but I get over it most of the time quickly. She doesn't question everything I do in life. But she doesn't act like she is my mother either. When I do talk with her on the phone, my friends think that it is a friend until I tell them that it is my nmother.
I think I still walk on eggshells when it comes to my nmother. I don't try to rock the boat, because our relationship might not always be there. Seriously! I even write posts that say I know she will always be there and will not walk out on this relationship. I still believe that.
***Yes, I know I have contradicted myself.***
I know that my nmother wants a relationship with me. In fact, I know she wants this more than she ever has because of the last few weeks.
But, she allows other people to make her decision for her about being in my life. My sister and I are finally talking and getting along, but my sister could possible just lose it one day and tell her mother, "it is me or her. Choose." And of course, my nmother would choose the daughter she raised. No, it wouldn't be fair to me, but that is the way my sister runs things. My nmother won't stand up for herself. And of course, all natural mothers would say this started when my nmother got pregnant with me and had no support in raising me.
So I live with this. I have 2 mothers that I speak to differently. One I treat as my mother and one I treat as a good friend (almost my mother).
Friday, January 16, 2009
MY PLACE
Ever since my sister came to visit me last weekend, my nmother has changed her behavior towards me drastically. Before last weekend, she didn't talk to me as cheerful as she has in the last few days.
It seems to me that my sister has all the control over our relationship. As long as she accepts me in the family, then our mother is able to express her feelings toward me. But what happens when one day my sister decides she doesn't want me in the family? The answer? I get dumped.
I have also been thinking about my relationship with my nmother more this week than ever. When we first met, when I was 21, I had no clue where MY PLACE was in my nmother's life. Well, actually I did. My place was the person she gave birth to and that was not my family. I had grown up all these years knowing my place.
Then when I was 26, I had a lot of vacation time, so I went to my nmother's house to visit. A few days later, I thought that maybe I had a different place in her life. So MY PLACE had changed to "I might just have another family". A few weeks later, MY PLACE changed back. We couldn't make our relationship work and we both gave up.
Years have gone by with me knowing exactly what my place was. I was always going to be my nmother's daughter that she gave up for adoption. The girl who has a different family and really doesn't fit into her natural family. The girl who comes around not very often. THAT WAS MY PLACE!
Now, I have no clue where MY PLACE is. It is not the girl who doesn't come around, who doesn't fit, whose mother gave her away. I really don't know where my place is and this really bothers me. I feel like I am in limbo. I don't think anyone can tell me where MY PLACE is except for my nmother and I don't feel comfortable right now in talking with her about it because things are going good. A little too good if you ask me.
It almost makes me want to pull back and take another look. Or just sit on the fence post for awhile. It seemed when I started to pray to God to bless my relationship with my nmother more than I could ever imagined, he got right on it.
My relationship with her has been so blessed and more than I could ever imagine, that I am overwhelmed. Until I know what my NEW PLACE is, I am not sure what to do. I only know what my old place was. That is what I am familiar with. That is what I grew up with. That is what I know!
It seems to me that my sister has all the control over our relationship. As long as she accepts me in the family, then our mother is able to express her feelings toward me. But what happens when one day my sister decides she doesn't want me in the family? The answer? I get dumped.
I have also been thinking about my relationship with my nmother more this week than ever. When we first met, when I was 21, I had no clue where MY PLACE was in my nmother's life. Well, actually I did. My place was the person she gave birth to and that was not my family. I had grown up all these years knowing my place.
Then when I was 26, I had a lot of vacation time, so I went to my nmother's house to visit. A few days later, I thought that maybe I had a different place in her life. So MY PLACE had changed to "I might just have another family". A few weeks later, MY PLACE changed back. We couldn't make our relationship work and we both gave up.
Years have gone by with me knowing exactly what my place was. I was always going to be my nmother's daughter that she gave up for adoption. The girl who has a different family and really doesn't fit into her natural family. The girl who comes around not very often. THAT WAS MY PLACE!
Now, I have no clue where MY PLACE is. It is not the girl who doesn't come around, who doesn't fit, whose mother gave her away. I really don't know where my place is and this really bothers me. I feel like I am in limbo. I don't think anyone can tell me where MY PLACE is except for my nmother and I don't feel comfortable right now in talking with her about it because things are going good. A little too good if you ask me.
It almost makes me want to pull back and take another look. Or just sit on the fence post for awhile. It seemed when I started to pray to God to bless my relationship with my nmother more than I could ever imagined, he got right on it.
My relationship with her has been so blessed and more than I could ever imagine, that I am overwhelmed. Until I know what my NEW PLACE is, I am not sure what to do. I only know what my old place was. That is what I am familiar with. That is what I grew up with. That is what I know!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Weekend Visit
For many years I thought that I wanted a mother/daughter relationship with my nmother. When we first met, I did not want this kind of relationship because it never occurred to me to have a relationship with her or that I even could have a relationship with her.
My only concern in life was to have a career. Life was ahead of me and my career was about to start. I was finally going to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t have time to think about adoption and its toll on my life.
When I was in my mid-twenties, it finally struck me that I had a bond with her. A bond that was deep down and crying to get out. I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. With no help, I tried to achieve that relationship, but it didn’t happen. I can finally say that both of us didn’t realize what each other felt nor did we communicate very well about it. We thought we were at the same understanding, but in fact, we were not. We were on a different plane, coming from different angles, because of the different adoption experiences that we had.
This past weekend almost nullifies my past experiences with adoption. My nmother, half-sister, and her husband came to spend the night at my house this weekend. I never thought that my half-sister, the one that hated me for so long, would ever set foot in my house.
They drove 2 hours to visit this past Saturday night. When they arrived, we met at Cracker Barrel for dinner. At one point in time, while sitting down and waiting on our food, my brother-n-law was talking on his cell phone. Apparently, the other person asked him where he was. He said, “Sitting in Cracker Barrel with my wife’s sister.” You could hear a pin drop in the gift shop area. I don’t think I could talk for at least 5 minutes after this. I don’t think my sister could speak for longer than that. He actually said "sister" out loud. He actually accepts that we are sisters, but she is still not quite there yet.
Even though it wasn’t an exhaustive weekend or visit, I am very emotionally drained. I never dreamed that my sister would spend the night at my house. We talked, laughed and carried on like we were sisters. I think this has changed my relationship with my nmother also. She sees that mine and my sister's attitude about each other is changing. Even her behavior with me is changing.
My only concern in life was to have a career. Life was ahead of me and my career was about to start. I was finally going to be free to do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t have time to think about adoption and its toll on my life.
When I was in my mid-twenties, it finally struck me that I had a bond with her. A bond that was deep down and crying to get out. I yearned for that mother/daughter relationship. With no help, I tried to achieve that relationship, but it didn’t happen. I can finally say that both of us didn’t realize what each other felt nor did we communicate very well about it. We thought we were at the same understanding, but in fact, we were not. We were on a different plane, coming from different angles, because of the different adoption experiences that we had.
This past weekend almost nullifies my past experiences with adoption. My nmother, half-sister, and her husband came to spend the night at my house this weekend. I never thought that my half-sister, the one that hated me for so long, would ever set foot in my house.
They drove 2 hours to visit this past Saturday night. When they arrived, we met at Cracker Barrel for dinner. At one point in time, while sitting down and waiting on our food, my brother-n-law was talking on his cell phone. Apparently, the other person asked him where he was. He said, “Sitting in Cracker Barrel with my wife’s sister.” You could hear a pin drop in the gift shop area. I don’t think I could talk for at least 5 minutes after this. I don’t think my sister could speak for longer than that. He actually said "sister" out loud. He actually accepts that we are sisters, but she is still not quite there yet.
Even though it wasn’t an exhaustive weekend or visit, I am very emotionally drained. I never dreamed that my sister would spend the night at my house. We talked, laughed and carried on like we were sisters. I think this has changed my relationship with my nmother also. She sees that mine and my sister's attitude about each other is changing. Even her behavior with me is changing.
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