Wanting More, But What?

I wrote a month ago that my nmother has changed her attitude/behavior with me in the last month. With her change in behavior, which was a good thing, I didn't know what to do with this "new norm". I am not used to this. I am used to keeping her at a distance and making sure I am not going to get hurt too much.

But this "new norm" has made me want more. Even though I call her "Mom" (and that is not very often) I still don't feel it deep down. But I am starting to want more of a "Mom" relationship. I seem to catch myself remembering when I was very young and dreaming of her. Dreaming that we would just know things about each other without having to say them. Dreaming of the mother that had that mother/daughter connection. I find myself still reaching for that.

I want her to have that feeling that you get when you know you need to call a friend because you just "feel" that something is wrong. Or the feeling that you have when you look at someone and you know that something is wrong. She doesn't have that with me.

I could be at my lowest one day and be having a really bad day, she would never know it if I didn't call and tell her. If I was having issues with something and went to visit her, she doesn't see it in my face. I want that. I have that with my closest friends, but do not have it with her.

Now you can say, "but you don't see her all the time. It would be different if you lived in the same town and saw each other all the time." But I think mother's who give birth to their children have that feeling; have that connection. If you take the time to be silent in this busy world, I think you can have that connection. I have that connection with my kids.

At the end of our conversation, I finally told my nmother that she had changed her behavior with me the last month and it startled me a little. She said that usually when things are going really good with us, usually I start to get a little stirred and we end up having these conversations. I told her I feel like I am looking for something more, but not sure what. Not sure what I am reaching for. I am 100% sure that our relationship will always be there, but I am still searching.

Am I searching for the mother I pictured and dreamed about 30 years ago when I was young? If so, that person doesn't exist, so why would I search for that?