When my nmother and I were reunited almost 5 years, I asked her to go with me to meet my parents at their house. Both parties agreed to this meeting and my nmother and I drove 2 hours to my parent's house.
My parents had moved away from my hometown 6 years before this visit. I would have liked her to visit my hometown and see the house they I grew up in instead of going to a house that I had never lived in, but we were not visiting the house. She was going with me to meet the parents. (sounds like a movie)
So almost 14 years ago, my parents met my nmother. I remember the drive being pretty quiet. She really didn't talk much. I remember being very calm and not nervous about the meeting. I really didn't have anything to be nervous about because I knew both parties and both parties were my family.
My Dad met my nmother and then took off to go do manly stuff. Honestly, I am not sure where he went, but he took off as soon as we got there. My mother, nmother, and I stayed in the house and just talked.
Luckily my parent's house was at a lake so we could at least sit on the back porch and look out the window at the lake instead of just staring at each other.
My whole goal in that meeting was to make sure that my nmother was ok. I didn't worry about my mother because it was her house. My nmother was finally meeting my parents and she was in unfamiliar territory. So I sat by my nmother and every now and then when Mom would go to the kitchen or something, I would ask my nmother if she was ok and doing fine. She did just fine with that meeting.
During the meeting, my Mom brought in some photo albums and she showed my nmother different pictures and talked about me growing up.
I thought everything was going great. Years later, I found out that my mother went to her bedroom for a few minutes and broke down. Since I was still on the back porch with my nmother, I didn't realize that my mother had gone to her bedroom. Mom said that she was upset because I wasn't paying attention to her, I was paying attention to my nmother. I told her that the reason for this was because we were in her house and her territory. I also said that I knew that my relationship with my Mom was stable and would always be there, but my relationship with my nmother was not stable. I didn't know if it would be there the next day.
We left several hours later and my nmother hasn't seen my mother since. Neither one will see the other now. Drives me crazy, but that is their problem and not mine. When I asked my nmother how she was doing on the way back home, she informed that it was a good visit and she was glad that she met my parents.
I remember feeling relived that both families had met. It made me feel like I had joined both families together through me. But now both families have separated again and will not meet up. I don't know why. I have even asked both mothers, but get no response. I really don't need them to come together and be friends or even meet for coffee every now and then. What I need is for them to be willing to meet up if I asked.
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4 comments:
Ugh. How difficult for all concerned. Reminds me of my ex in laws who felt they were better than me and my family and while they were always invited to joint things they always declined and it always left me and my ex feeling awkward and in the middle. We finally got past it and realized it was there issue and we had a good time with out them.
all i can think of is that it is extremely uncomfortable for both of them to see each other. Seeing each other in person reminds them of what they lost, or do not have.
Your adoptive mother may feel threatened by the very existence of your natural mother, or any hint that she is a mother to you. It reminds her that she is not related to you in all the ways she wants/longs to be.
Your natural mother likely picked up on this discomfort, and seeing your adoptive mother reminds her that you "belong" to another family and chose them over her for 18 years. Plus it reminds her of all the years she missed with you when you were a child.
So, for both of them, avoiding the other one is a means to protect themselves from anticipated pain.
Sometimes, you just cannot make two adult want to meet and know each other. Especially when each is a reminder for the other of what she can never have.
Sigh... at least they were civil to one another. I've read some horror stories about these kinds of meetings. And seen things change in time. I'm sure that 14 years seems long enough to you. You never know what's to come. At least they don't outwardly express any resentment about your having both relationships (right?). I understand your need to integrate all parts of your life, but you can't make them. Best to let it go for now.
I reread this post today. I met my son's amom earlier this month.
He would like to have some sort of blended family one day and I hope that one day we will. I hear from you that it it is important and I hope that we will all be up to the challenge.
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