Ever since my sister came to visit me last weekend, my nmother has changed her behavior towards me drastically. Before last weekend, she didn't talk to me as cheerful as she has in the last few days.
It seems to me that my sister has all the control over our relationship. As long as she accepts me in the family, then our mother is able to express her feelings toward me. But what happens when one day my sister decides she doesn't want me in the family? The answer? I get dumped.
I have also been thinking about my relationship with my nmother more this week than ever. When we first met, when I was 21, I had no clue where MY PLACE was in my nmother's life. Well, actually I did. My place was the person she gave birth to and that was not my family. I had grown up all these years knowing my place.
Then when I was 26, I had a lot of vacation time, so I went to my nmother's house to visit. A few days later, I thought that maybe I had a different place in her life. So MY PLACE had changed to "I might just have another family". A few weeks later, MY PLACE changed back. We couldn't make our relationship work and we both gave up.
Years have gone by with me knowing exactly what my place was. I was always going to be my nmother's daughter that she gave up for adoption. The girl who has a different family and really doesn't fit into her natural family. The girl who comes around not very often. THAT WAS MY PLACE!
Now, I have no clue where MY PLACE is. It is not the girl who doesn't come around, who doesn't fit, whose mother gave her away. I really don't know where my place is and this really bothers me. I feel like I am in limbo. I don't think anyone can tell me where MY PLACE is except for my nmother and I don't feel comfortable right now in talking with her about it because things are going good. A little too good if you ask me.
It almost makes me want to pull back and take another look. Or just sit on the fence post for awhile. It seemed when I started to pray to God to bless my relationship with my nmother more than I could ever imagined, he got right on it.
My relationship with her has been so blessed and more than I could ever imagine, that I am overwhelmed. Until I know what my NEW PLACE is, I am not sure what to do. I only know what my old place was. That is what I am familiar with. That is what I grew up with. That is what I know!
We have had our ups and downs, our "in" the relationship and "out" of the relationship, but truth be told, we would rather be together than be apart.
The girls
About Me
- TheRightThing
- I am an adoptee that has been reunited for 20 years with my mother. Unfortunately, it took me 41 years to come to grips with being adopted and wanting to be a part of my natural family. I am hoping to allow myself to release the built up emotions that I carried through life and allow myself to have two families that I love very much.
4 comments:
Reunion relationships are so complicated. I can feel your confusion and angst. I hope you won't pull back. Sitting on the fence post -- as in letting go of knowing, not projecting what might happen next -- sounds like a better idea. Wishing you peace.
D.
"when I started to pray to God to bless my relationship with my nmother more than I could ever imagined, he got right on it."
Hmmmmm.... cue Van Morrison singing When will I ever learn to live in God? Sounds like your relationship is moving fight along. No one has control in the relationship. These reunions are not easy.
I thought life before reunion was difficult, life after reunion has it's own set of complications.
I'm an n-mom trying to figure out what place I have in my son's life. What does he want me to be? Who does he want me to be? How much of me does he want in his life? Does he really want me in his life at all?
I would never go back to life before reunion, and so I just keep praying that things will get better, and he will open up to me and help me figure out my role in his life.
Keep hanging in there. These relationships are difficult the whole way around. I pray that your sister and you will form a strong relationship and your n-mom too.
are you kidding? I'm not addpoted, don't have the challenges you have and I still don't know where my place is. Take it in my firend, enjoy it, build upon it, praise God for it but don't walk away from it. I'm here if you need to talk :)
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